Pub humour, Jokes o'plenty

But we could MICROCHIP them and they would never know!

More Maxine:

Maxine on 'Driver Safety'

'I can't use the cell phone in the car.
I have to keep my hands free for making gestures.'......

Maxine on 'Housework'

'I do my housework in the nude. It gives me an incentive
to clean the mirrors as quickly as possible.'

Maxine on 'Lawn Care'

'The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower.
I recommend one who is muscular and shirtless.'

Maxine on 'Technology Revolution'


'My idea of rebooting is kicking somebody in the butt twice.'

More Maxine:

Don't let aging get you down....it's too hard to get back up.

If you woke up breathing...Congratulations!!! You have another chance.

The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals.

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

To err is human, to forgive: highly unlikely.

Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have millions of old ladies running around with tattoos and pierced navels? (Now that's scary!)

Money can't buy happiness--but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than a Kia.

After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching somewhere...you may be dead.

Animal Crackers

I bought a box of those animal crackers. They're great. They're chocolate crackers all in the shape of different animals. But it said on the box, "Do not eay if the seal is broken." And when I opened them up, would you believe it…

Junk

Junk is something you've kept for years - then throw away a week before you need it.

Snow is a good thing

The good thing about snow is that it makes my garden look as good as my neighbour's.

A bit of humor. Something you can have fun with!!

Hi,

There's an effort to elect an unknown random person as President... and it's someone we know! Watch this online video about the surprising new nominee:

http://www.tsgnet.com/pres.php?id=46832&al...di3&altl=Sjdifz

Jot back a note to let me know what you think!

Slainte,    

Patch    

Well now!

I had been thinking about getting a tatoo.

Go for it Patch!

Flora

Grandpa and granddaughter were sitting talking when she asked, "Did God make you, Grandpa?"

"Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered.

A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, "Did God make me too?"

"Yes, He did," the old man answered.

For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind. At last she spoke up.

"You know, Grandpa," she said, "God's doing a lot better job lately."

Slàinte,    

Patch    

This one is a bit "personal", but worth it.

The Washcloth"
Ladies this has to be read, laughed at and passed on. There is not a woman alive today who won't crack up over this----

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week.
Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene>>when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my>>appointment.

I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.

I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?" I didn't respond. After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal . Some shopping, cleaning, cooking.

After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?"

I told her to get another one from the>cupboard. She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it."

Never going back to that doctor. Ever.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.

"Hey, girls," says the brunette one day, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss.

She quietly sneaks out of the house and vows to return home at her normal time the next day.

In the morning, the brunette says: "That was fun, we should do it again sometime."

"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

NEW STOCK MARKET TERMS
CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER -- What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.

Slàinte,    

Patch    

Oh I like that one, Patch!!!!!

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

You just have to respect the Irish!!

Slàinte,    

Patch    

No Caffeine, No Liquor, No Pills...


If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can get going without pep pills,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy
to give you any time,

If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him,

If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,

If you can face the world without lies and deceit,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

If you can say honestly that deep in your heart
you have no prejudice against creed,
color, religion or politics,

Then, my friend,...
you are almost as good as your dog!

Slàinte,      

Patch    

A civil engineer, a chemist and an economist are traveling in the countryside. Weary, they stop at a small country inn. "I only have two rooms, so one of you will have to sleep in the barn," the innkeeper says. The civil engineer volunteers to sleep in the barn and the others go to bed. In a short time they're awakened by a knock. It's the engineer, who says, "There's a cow in that barn. I'm a Hindu, and it would offend my beliefs to sleep next to a sacred animal." The chemist steps up and agrees to sleep in the barn. The others go back to bed, but soon are awakened by another knock. It's the chemist who says, "There's a pig in that barn. I'm Jewish, and cannot sleep next to an unclean animal." So the economist is sent to the barn. It's getting late, the others are very tired and soon fall asleep. But they're awakened by an even louder knocking. They open the door and are surprised by what they see: It's the cow and the pig!

Slàinte,      

Patch