Pub humour, Jokes o'plenty

A good friend who is in Tech Support, uses the term PEBKAC.

Problem exists between keyboard and chair!!!

The farm had been mortgaged, and gladly, to give daughter a college education. Now, driving home from the station after meeting her at the train, farmer Hinds was greatly disturbed when his daughter whispered confidentially, “I have a confession to make, Pa- I ain’t a virgin no more.”

The old man shook his head sadly. “After all the sacrifices your Ma and I made to give you a good education, you still say ‘ain’t!”

Slàinte,    

Patch    

Why is divorce so expensive?

Because it's worth it.


What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?

Doughnuts


Why is air a lot like sex?

Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.


What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever.


What do attorneys use for birth control?

Their personalities.


What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?

10 years and 45 lbs


What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?

45 minutes


What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

Through his chest with a sharp knife.


Why do men want to marry virgins?

They can't stand criticism.


What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.


What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.


Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?

Because they have cotton balls.


What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

"Are you sure it's mine?"


Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?

Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.


Where does an Irish family go on vacation?

A different bar.


Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blond baby?

They named him "Sum Ting Wong".


What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

A speech impediment.


What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".


How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?

Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

Flora

Italian honeymoon


After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Jersey to say hello to his friends.

Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how wasa da treep?"

Luigi said, "Everyting wasa perfecto except for da train ride down."

"Whata you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni..

"Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia , she pack a biga basket a food. She brough ta vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were lookina forward to da trip, and open upa da luncha basket. The conductore come aby, waga his finger at us andasay, 'no eat indisa car. Musta use a dining car.'

So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to da dining car, eat a biga lunch and starta ta open da bottle of a nice a vino! Cond uctore walka by again, waga his finger and say, 'No drinka in disa car! Musta use a cluba car.' So, we go to cluba car.

While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my biga cigar. The conductore, he waga his finger again and say, 'No a smokina disa car.
Musta go to a smokina car.' "We go to a smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar.

Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to a sleeper car anda go to bed. We just about to go boombada boombada and the conductore, he walka through da hall shouting at a top of his a voice 'Nofolka Virginia ! Nofolka Virginia !'


Flora

When I have a bit more time I'll tell you about SAven and Olga.

An elderly couple was attending church services. About halfway through she leans over and says to her husband. “I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?”

He replies. “Put a new battery in your hearing aid.”

Slàinte,    

Patch    

Still waiting!!!!!!!

Flora

A little boy was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read him a goodnight story. From time to time, he would take his eyes off the book and reach up to touch his Grandfather's wrinkled cheek. He was alternately stroking his own cheek, then his Grandfather's again. Finally he spoke, "Grandpa, did God make you?"

"Yes, sonny," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."

"Oh," he said, "Grandpa, did God make me too?"

"Yes, indeed, honey," he answered, "God made you just a little while ago."

Feeling their respective faces again, he observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he?"

Slàinte,    

Patch   

An RCMP officer stops at a ranch up in Iron Mountain, B.C. and talks with the old ranch owner. He tells the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.'

The old rancher says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'

The RCMP officer verbally explodes, saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Canadian Government with me,' while reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge and ID. The officer proudly displays it to the farmer.

'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish..on
any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear?
Do you understand?'

The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.

Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the RCMP officer running for his life and close behind is the rancher's bull.

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer.

The officer is clearly terrified.

The old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

'Your badge! Show him your Badge!'

Slàinte,    

Patch   

Badru works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and
plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes
him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bud, How ya doin, man?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Badru. 'He's in my bowling club.'

When they are seated, a waitress asks Badru if he'd like his usual and brings
over a beer.

'How did she know that you drink that beer?' 'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Badru,
starts to rub herself all over him and says, 'Hi Bud. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Badru's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club
Badru follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Badru tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter
word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Bud, you picked up a real b!#*h this time.'

Badru's funeral will be on Friday

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked. 'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman.

I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen..

So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face ...

Kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the sh*t out of all of you!'

St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?' 'Just a couple of minutes ago...'

Slàinte,    

Patch   

It was three o'clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady came running towards her, screaming. "Please come quickly!" she yelled, "I just saw a naked man outside my window!"

The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady's room.

"Where is he?" asked the receptionist.

"He's over there," replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel.

The receptionist looked over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment. "It's probably a man who's getting ready to go to bed," she said reassuringly. "And how do you know he's naked, you can only see him from the waist up?"

"The dresser, honey!" screamed the old lady. "Try standing on the dresser!"

Slàinte,    

Patch   

One night a man - who was in no shape to drive - wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along the road, he was stopped by a policeman.

"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer.

"I'm going to a lecture." the man said.

"And just who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.

"My wife." said the man.

Slàinte,    

Patch    

A lady went to the hospital to visit a friend. She had not been in a

hospital for several years and felt very ignorant about all the new

technology.

A technician followed her onto the elevator, wheeling a

large, intimidating looking machine with tubes and wires and dials.

"Boy, would I hate to be hooked up to that thing," she said.

"So would I," replied the technician. "It's a floor polisher."

Slàinte,    

Patch    

Just wondering...

Did Adam and Eve have navels?

Do one legged ducks swim in circles?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

Who was the first person, seeing an egg come from a chicken's butt, that thought, "I'll bet that would be good to eat?"

Who opened that first oyster and said "My, my, my. Now doesn't THIS look yummy."

Why do they call it "getting your dog fixed" if afterwards it doesn't work anymore?

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money for all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

Where in the nursery rhyme does it say Humpty Dumpty is an egg?

Why is it that when a person tells you there's over a million stars in the universe you believe them, but if someone tells you there's wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

Why does Donald Duck wear a towel when he comes out of the shower, when he doesn't usually wear any pants?


Slàinte,    

Patch