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Celtic Radio Community > Ye Ole Celtic Pub - Open all day, all night! > The He-Man Woman Haters' Club


Posted by: MDF3530 06-Jan-2008, 07:50 PM
OK guys, let's talk about beer, sports and fart jokes.

Posted by: Dogshirt 06-Jan-2008, 08:26 PM
wink.gif beer_mug.gif fart.gif beer_mug.gif fartnew.gif beer_mug.gif tongue.gif beer_mug.gif thumbs_up.gif
I.
'
I'm all for it!


beer_mug.gif

Posted by: MDF3530 06-Jan-2008, 08:34 PM
I bought some great beer last weekend. Moosehead.

Posted by: TandVh 06-Jan-2008, 08:49 PM
Boy- I found some good stuff at an older liquor store in town- Alhambra Negra from Alhambra Spain. I like to stop at this store because they have Quiness Stout in quarts, but, low and behold- there, shining so deliciously looking and glistening in all it's glory- was a six pack of this exotic, dark brew and I couldn't resist.
MMM- great flavor, strong heady maltiness- exceptionally good brew.


Posted by: MDF3530 06-Jan-2008, 08:52 PM
I still go to two liquor stores in my old neighborhood. They have better beer selections than any of the liquor stores by me.

Posted by: maggiemahone1 06-Jan-2008, 11:22 PM
the age old keep the women out of the men's club is out... sorry!!! wink.gif It's ERA, Eve ruling Adam!!! angel_not.gif I still prefer Guinness, straight out of the bottle!!! so let's get out the cigars and deal the cards, maybe a litle poker...

maggiemahone1

Posted by: maggiemahone1 06-Jan-2008, 11:49 PM
and by the way I don't think there's alot of women hater's here, thay only let on to their beer drinking buddies they do!!! you know you guys love coming home to a woman that smells all sweet and pretty and meets you at the door with a smilin' face with a drink in her hand and a kiss that promises more to come just for her one true love. Kinda of a June Cleaver woman. She has the six pack in the fridge chillin, the house all spiffy, your dinner ready on the table, uses her feminine charms on you and you agree to any thing the little woman wants, which is...your checkbook along with your credit cards. Why would any man want to go out and drink beer in a smoky ol' pub, watch a football game and blow wind when he can have his best friend sittting by his side, his companion, the mother of his rug rats, his lover and his best friend watching The Soap Net, watching Luke and Laura. Ha, The He-Man Woman's Club my foot...it's the whatever you say sweet gentle wife and companion of mine, you have been a jewel and I want to reward you by letting you use my credit cards and you can buy anything you want!!! Your wish is my command!!! You guys have a wonderful week! laugh.gif

maggiemahone1

Posted by: oldraven 07-Jan-2008, 09:49 AM
Why make fart jokes? With no women around we can just fart as loud as we want. biggrin.gif

Posted by: maggiemahone1 07-Jan-2008, 01:19 PM
QUOTE (oldraven @ 07-Jan-2008, 10:49 AM)
Why make fart jokes? With no women around we can just fart as loud as we want. biggrin.gif

I thought you guys did that anyway with or without women in the room.fart.gif it's gettin' a bit smelly in here, so I'm out, you guys DO know how to get rid of a woman!!!

Posted by: MDF3530 07-Jan-2008, 06:06 PM
QUOTE (oldraven @ 07-Jan-2008, 09:49 AM)
Why make fart jokes? With no women around we can just fart as loud as we want. biggrin.gif

And let fly with some awesome beer- and Dr Pepper-induced belches beer.gif tongue.gif !

Posted by: stoirmeil 07-Jan-2008, 07:56 PM
Oh hey, fart jokes aren't just manly, they're very celtic. This is from "Rabbie Burns" (courtesy of Celtic Pub Radio -- I heard it recited and then looked it up on the web):


TAE A FERT

Oh what a sleekit horrible beastie
Lurks in yer belly efter the feastie
Just as ye sit doon amang yer kin
There sterts to stir a 'normous wind.
The neeps and tatties and mushy peas
Stert workin like a gentle breeze
But soon the puddin wi the sonsie face
Will have ye blawin’ aw ower the place.
Nae matter whit the hell ye dae
Awbody’s gonnae have tae pay
Even if ye try tae stifle,
It’s like a bullet oot a rifle.
Haud yer bum ticht tae the chair
Tae try and stop the leakin air
Shift yersel frae cheek tae cheek
Pray tae God it disnae reek.
But aw yer efforts go asunder
Oot it comes like a clap o’ thunder
Ricochets aroon the room
Michty me, a sonic boom!
God almighty it fairly reeks;
Hope I huvnae shite ma breeks
Tae the bog I’d better scurry
Aw whit the hell, its no ma worry.
Awbody roon aboot me choking,
Wan or two are nearly bokin
I feel much better for a while
Cannae help but raise a smile.
Wis him! I shout with accusing glower,
Alas too late, he’s just keeled ower
Ye dirty bugger they shout and stare
I dinnae feel welcome any mair.
Where ere ye go let yer wind gan free
Sounds like just the job fur me
Whit a fuss at Rabbie’s perty
Ower the sake o’ wan wee ferty. fart.gif beer.gif fartnew.gif beer.gif

Posted by: Shadows 07-Jan-2008, 08:02 PM
Here is one of the original "men's only forums"

http://www.celticradio.net/php/forums/index.php?showtopic=5000

Posted by: j Padraig moore 09-Jan-2008, 07:07 AM
I had forgotten how good a Guinness could be, till I had one at an Irish pub in Cleveland, Ohio recently. It was as smooth as a milkshake!

cheers.gif

Posted by: MDF3530 10-Jan-2008, 04:57 PM
Oh, and we can also talk about tools and our favorite hardware/home improvement stores.

My favorite hardware store is the nearest Ace Hardware. My favorite home improvement store is Menards. No offense to Home Depot and Lowe's, but Menards actually looks like a store.

Posted by: TandVh 10-Jan-2008, 07:04 PM
QUOTE (maggiemahone1 @ 07-Jan-2008, 12:49 AM)
and by the way I don't think there's alot of women hater's here, thay only let on to their beer drinking buddies they do!!! you know you guys love coming home to a woman that smells all sweet and pretty and meets you at the door with a smilin' face with a drink in her hand and a kiss that promises more to come just for her one true love. Kinda of a June Cleaver woman. She has the six pack in the fridge chillin, the house all spiffy, your dinner ready on the table, uses her feminine charms on you and you agree to any thing the little woman wants, which is...your checkbook along with your credit cards. Why would any man want to go out and drink beer in a smoky ol' pub, watch a football game and blow wind when he can have his best friend sittting by his side, his companion, the mother of his rug rats, his lover and his best friend watching The Soap Net, watching Luke and Laura. Ha, The He-Man Woman's Club my foot...it's the whatever you say sweet gentle wife and companion of mine, you have been a jewel and I want to reward you by letting you use my credit cards and you can buy anything you want!!! Your wish is my command!!! You guys have a wonderful week! laugh.gif

maggiemahone1

Why indeed? Testosterone!!
Cool stuff and actually quite unpredictable!


Posted by: bigdissaved 12-Jan-2008, 11:58 PM
My favorate hardware store is my dads gradge, its got Lots of free stuff..... Well, I can not say I have a favorite hardware store. I work for Home Hardware (canadian) and the owners are cheap.......

Posted by: j Padraig moore 15-Jan-2008, 07:23 PM
Hey guys! Over in the Gathering Place, they're talking about Star Wars. I know there are other message boards dedicated to this, but I am a big Star Trek fan. Recently I have been able to see a couple of episodes of the original series that have been updated in regards to the special effects. Its really cool to see 21st century computer graphics used on a 1960's TV show. Its been fun picking out the new shots!


Posted by: TandVh 15-Jan-2008, 08:16 PM
QUOTE (j Padraig moore @ 09-Jan-2008, 08:07 AM)
I had forgotten how good a Guinness could be, till I had one at an Irish pub in Cleveland, Ohio recently. It was as smooth as a milkshake!

cheers.gif

I like Guinness Stout better than Guinnes Draught- although any Guiness is good Guinness!

Posted by: MDF3530 18-Jan-2008, 04:01 PM
Where do you guys get haircuts and how do you get it cut?

I go to Burbank Barber Shop in my town and get a buzz.

Posted by: CelticHokie 20-Jan-2008, 10:02 PM
About 10 years ago I got one of those emails forwarded that were basically a joke (glad that trend has fizzled) but it was a list: 100 reasons it's great to be a guy.

While the vast majority of the email from back then was worthless, this one was classic and I wish I could find it.

Some I remember were:

One mood, all the time.
You don't give a carp if no one notices your haircut
You understand nwhy "Stripes" is funny

Posted by: Robert Phoenix 21-Jan-2008, 12:21 AM
QUOTE (j Padraig moore @ 15-Jan-2008, 07:23 PM)
Hey guys! Over in the Gathering Place, they're talking about Star Wars. I know there are other message boards dedicated to this, but I am a big Star Trek fan. Recently I have been able to see a couple of episodes of the original series that have been updated in regards to the special effects. Its really cool to see 21st century computer graphics used on a 1960's TV show. Its been fun picking out the new shots!

Are these showing on any special channel. I've been a huge Trek and Star Wars fan for years. Met a couple cast members from Next generation. I would love to see this.

Posted by: j Padraig moore 21-Jan-2008, 11:48 AM
QUOTE (Robert Phoenix @ 21-Jan-2008, 01:21 AM)
Are these showing on any special channel. I've been a huge Trek and Star Wars fan for years. Met a couple cast members from Next generation. I would love to see this.

Actually they are being run on a local independent station, Sunday afternoon at 1:00pm. I know that season 1 of the original series, with the updates is available on DVD.
Here is a link if you are interested:
http://www.startrek.com/startrek/view/store/news/article/2303263.html

Posted by: Robert Phoenix 30-Jan-2008, 12:18 AM
The cleanup looks really good and some of the space shots are very well done althought the ship looks a little bit too CG for me. Other than that I like everything else that I saw. Still I always prefer when they use models with CG backgrounds over all CG. I can usually spot CG ship a mile away. Its funny how Star Waes fan clamour for the untouched originals for years and how the Star trek fans are excited over the new redo.
On a side note a finally got to see the Doctor Who eposiode with the Master and his new regeneration on Youtube. This series just gets better and better.

Posted by: MDF3530 30-Jan-2008, 07:34 PM
QUOTE (Robert Phoenix @ 30-Jan-2008, 12:18 AM)
The cleanup looks really good and some of the space shots are very well done althought the ship looks a little bit too CG for me. Other than that I like everything else that I saw. Still I always prefer when they use models with CG backgrounds over all CG. I can usually spot CG ship a mile away. Its funny how Star Waes fan clamour for the untouched originals for years and how the Star trek fans are excited over the new redo.
On a side note a finally got to see the Doctor Who eposiode with the Master and his new regeneration on Youtube. This series just gets better and better.

Have you seen any of the new series with either Christopher Eccleston or David Tennant as the good Doctor? I've seen them on DVD and I think they intentionally left some of the graphics cheesy to appease fans of the old series.

Posted by: Robert Phoenix 01-Feb-2008, 06:03 PM
We actually have three channels that show them up here. The Sci Fi channel, PBS, and the Canadian BBC so I managed to see almost every episode at least twice. The only one I haven't been able to catch is Rose's last episode where she is left in the parallel dimension. Rumors are that she is coming back. There is alot more inconnectedness and it even has its own spinoff now "Torchwood." True some of the graphics are cheesy (TV budgets) but the stories are really well done. Otherwise some episodes are on Youtube. I just caught the return of the Master there last week. I'm hoping to pick up the DVD's someday when they lower the price.

Posted by: UlsterScotNutt 26-Feb-2008, 12:24 PM
QUOTE (CelticHokie @ 20-Jan-2008, 11:02 PM)
About 10 years ago I got one of those emails forwarded that were basically a joke (glad that trend has fizzled) but it was a list: 100 reasons it's great to be a guy.

While the vast majority of the email from back then was worthless, this one was classic and I wish I could find it.

Some I remember were:

One mood, all the time.
You don't give a carp if no one notices your haircut
You understand nwhy "Stripes" is funny

Heck I just saw that one pass my screen about a month ago!!!!!!!!

Posted by: lawrence50 10-Mar-2008, 08:23 AM
One reason beer is better than a woman.

Beer doesn't get mad when you come home with beer on your breath!

Posted by: UlsterScotNutt 10-Mar-2008, 12:49 PM
I would go nuts when I come home and you look forward to a nice cold beer and there are none in the fridge. My lovely other would always remove the beer first when she needed space in the fridge. After the first 25 years , I finally have a door shelf all my own going on 5 years now.
I should have just bought another fridge!!!

Posted by: mainopsman 01-Apr-2008, 12:37 PM
One of the best "Guy" shows that has ever been on TV was the Canadian show "Red Green". Its humor was one that a guy could really relate too. Now if you had a Guiness while you watched it was even funnier.

JIM (mainopsman)

Posted by: MDF3530 01-Apr-2008, 01:48 PM
I wish my library system had "The Red Green Show" on DVD. That show is great!

I've also been waiting for a few months for my request for the "Torchwood" DVD set to come into the library.

Posted by: Lady of Avalon 01-Apr-2008, 04:54 PM
QUOTE (lawrence50 @ 10-Mar-2008, 10:23 AM)
One reason beer is better than a woman.

Beer doesn't get mad when you come home with beer on your breath!

nono.gif

Posted by: j Padraig moore 02-Apr-2008, 05:31 AM
QUOTE (mainopsman @ 01-Apr-2008, 01:37 PM)
One of the best "Guy" shows that has ever been on TV was the Canadian show "Red Green". Its humor was one that a guy could really relate too. Now if you had a Guiness while you watched it was even funnier.

JIM (mainopsman)

Our local PBS affiliate has just stopped showing The Red Green Show, after many years of airing the program on Saturday nights. My boys have become big fans of Red, Harold and the other boys from Possum Lodge. We have a couple of compilation dvds. The show stopped production in 2005, I believe. Great show!

BTW, previously I posted that an independent TV station in my area was showing original Star Trek episodes, with updated special effects. Well, they stopped doing that. My wife commented they were probably just using it as a "filler" at the end of the football season.

Posted by: mainopsman 08-Apr-2008, 10:08 AM
THE BUNNY

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp:
"Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"
The shopkeeper gets down on his knees (so that he's on her level), and asks:
"Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy black wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle brown wabby over there?"
The little girl puts er hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice:
"I don't fink my pyfon weally gives a thit."

Jim (mainopsman)

Posted by: Dogshirt 09-Apr-2008, 12:26 AM
lol.gif lol.gif lol.gif lol.gif lol.gif


beer_mug.gif

Posted by: UlsterScotNutt 09-Apr-2008, 03:05 PM
QUOTE (j Padraig moore @ 02-Apr-2008, 06:31 AM)
QUOTE (mainopsman @ 01-Apr-2008, 01:37 PM)
One of the best "Guy" shows that has ever been on TV was the Canadian show "Red Green".  Its humor was one that a guy could really relate too. Now if you had a Guiness while you watched it was even funnier.

JIM (mainopsman)

Our local PBS affiliate has just stopped showing The Red Green Show, after many years of airing the program on Saturday nights. My boys have become big fans of Red, Harold and the other boys from Possum Lodge. We have a couple of compilation dvds. The show stopped production in 2005, I believe. Great show!

BTW, previously I posted that an independent TV station in my area was showing original Star Trek episodes, with updated special effects. Well, they stopped doing that. My wife commented they were probably just using it as a "filler" at the end of the football season.

I've never seen the Red Green show but I have several, like 3 different people tell me I look like Red Green!!!
He must be a very handsome man!!! laugh.gif tongue.gif
All I know about him is he is Canadian and uses duct tape alot!! My kinda guy!! smile.gif

Posted by: mainopsman 12-Apr-2008, 06:19 AM
Courses at the University suggested by the ladies:

SUMMER CLASSES FOR MEN
AT THE
LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS"
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY
November 20, 2008

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.


Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and
Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?

Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.


Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM

Class 6
Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places
And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost

Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.


Class 14
The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses,
diplomas will be issued to the survivors.


Send this to all the guys that you think can stand the heat, and to all the ladies for
the best chuckle of their day!


JIM (mainopsman)

Posted by: mainopsman 13-Apr-2008, 10:14 AM
MAN's BEST FRIEND:

A dog is truly a man's best friend.

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you!

JIM (mainopsman)

Posted by: mainopsman 13-Apr-2008, 10:18 AM
WOMAN'S POEM

Before I lay me down to sleep,

I pray for a man, who's not a creep,

One who's handsome, smart and strong.

One who wants to listen all day long,

One who thinks before he speaks,

One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he's gainfully employed,

When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door,

Massages my back and begs for more.

Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,

Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"

I pray that this man will love me to no end,

and always be my very best friend.

_______________________________________________

MAN'S POEM

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a bar

on a golf course, and loves to send me fishing and hunting.

This doesn't rhyme and I don't care.

Posted by: mainopsman 13-Apr-2008, 10:26 AM
We always hear " the rules "
From the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1 "
ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or
motor sports


1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;


But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can -
to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can -
to give them a bigger laugh.

JIM (mainopsman)

Posted by: jime307 16-Apr-2008, 11:48 PM
well made me laugh all right!

Posted by: Patch 22-Apr-2008, 09:26 PM
Were it not for women, I would not have found the strength to live this long!!!!

Slàinte,        

Patch

Posted by: mainopsman 28-Apr-2008, 09:32 AM
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that
towel.
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked
in
front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes
me?'

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with
your
shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable
exposure.

Jim (mainopsman)

Posted by: mainopsman 28-Apr-2008, 09:53 AM
sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to
lunch
when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas
,
driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii ,
relaxing
on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina
Coladas
and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Jim (mainopsman)

Posted by: mainopsman 28-Apr-2008, 09:55 AM
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the
turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull.
They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him
enough
strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second
branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top
of
the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull Crap might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..


Jim (mainopsman)

Posted by: mainopsman 28-Apr-2008, 10:02 AM
George is doing fine

A 90-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests
come back with normal results.

The doctor says, "George, everything looks great. How are
you doing mentally and emotionally?
Are you at peace with God?"

George replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor
eye sight, so he's fixed it so when I get
up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom,
poof.... the light goes on.
When I'm done, poof....the light goes off."

" Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife.

"Ethel," he says, "George is doing fine! But I had to call
you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God.
Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof....
the light goes on in the bathroom, and when
he's done, poof....the light goes off?"

"Oh my God!" Ethel exclaims. "He's peeing in the
refrigerator again!"

Most of us older guys will understand this joke!
Jim (mainopsman)

Posted by: Patch 28-Apr-2008, 03:09 PM
A ninety five year old man married a twenty year old bride. During his annual physical exam he confides that his wife is "expecting. The wise Dr. pauses and then proceeds to tell him a story. This man went bear hunting and in his haste he grabbed an umbrella instead of his rifle. He had just reached the forest when both he and a large bear saw each other. He raised the umbrella and pulled the handle. There was a loud report and the bear fell dead. Now how do you suppose that happen the MD asked? The 95 yr old replied, No way, someone else shot the bear. The Dr. said Ah Ha, "point made"

Slàinte,   

Patch

Posted by: mainopsman 29-Apr-2008, 10:47 AM
Replacement Windows

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive
double-pane energy efficient kind, and today I got a call from the
contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had
been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Hellloooo,...........just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am
automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales
guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for
themselves!

Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him.

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just
hung up. He never called back. Guess I won that stupid argument.

I bet he felt like an idiot.

JIM (mainopsman)

Posted by: mainopsman 12-May-2008, 06:07 AM
EVERYTHING is male or female


You may not know this but many nonliving things have a gender.


Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything
in, but you can see right through them.

Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it
takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective
reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed,
but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often
over-inflated.

A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go
anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of
course, there's the hot air part.

Sponges are Female, because they're soft,
squeezable and retain water.

A Web Page is Female, because it's always
getting hit on.

A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old
lines to pick people up.

An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the
weight shifts to the bottom

A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed
much over the last 5,000 years,
but it's handy to have around.

A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd
be male , didn't you? But consider this - it gives a
man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he
doesn't always know the right buttons to push,
he keeps trying!

JIM (mainopsman)

Posted by: mainopsman 12-May-2008, 06:10 AM
This was most likely written by one of the ladies!!!

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large
raging, Violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man
prayed:

'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.'



Poof! .. God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim
across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.



After witnessing that, the second man prayed: 'God, please give me
strength and the tools to cross the river'



Poof! .. God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he
was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.



Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: 'God,
please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the
river'



Poof! .. He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one
hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge

JIM (mainopsman)

Posted by: mainopsman 12-May-2008, 06:11 AM
An Engineer passes away and arrives at the pearly gates.
Whereupon St. Peter informs him that he has to go to the other place, and down, down , down he falls until arriving in Hades.
Attempting to gain the good graces of the Devil, the engineer builds him an Air conditioner, Ice Maker, Cold Tub (think about it) and various other amenities.
God of course hears about all this, and goes to the Devil, and demands that the engineer be sent to back to heaven.
The Devil refuses, and God blurts out.."Well I'll just sue you for him!"..and of course the Devil's reply...
"Ha! Where are YOU going to find a Lawyer!"

JIM (mainopsman)

Posted by: mainopsman 12-May-2008, 06:13 AM
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again."

Eric grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," I replied. "Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

JIM (mainopsman)

Posted by: mainopsman 12-May-2008, 06:18 AM
Two men lost their long-time drinking buddy to alcoholism.
At the funeral, as they passed by the open casket, one
remarked to the other, "Gee, Sam sure look good, doesn't
he?"

The other replied, "He ought to; he hasn't had a drink in
three days."

JIM (mainopsman)

Posted by: mainopsman 12-May-2008, 06:19 AM
Two Irishmen were sitting in a four engined plane flying back from a shopping trip to Paris when the captains voice came over the loudspeaker. Ladies and gentlemen, one of the engines appears to have failed. There's nothing to worry about but we will be 15 minutes late in landing at Gatwick. Five minutes later he said Nothing to worry about ladies and gentlemen, but one of the other engines has failed, and we will now be an hour late. A moment later, Er....sorry about this ladies and gentlemen, but a third engine has also given up the ghost and we will now be two hours later the expected." One of the Irishmen tapped his friend on the shoulder." Good heavens, Patrick, do you realize that if the other engine fails, well be here all night?"

JIM (mainopsman)

Posted by: mainopsman 12-May-2008, 06:21 AM
There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real 'miser' when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife...'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'

And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,

'Wait j ust a moment!'
She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away. So her friend said,

'Girl, I know you were not fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'

The loyal wife replied, 'Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him.'

You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?'
'I sure did,' said the wife. 'I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check.... If he can cash it, then he can spend it.'

JIM (mainopsman)

Posted by: mainopsman 04-Jun-2008, 10:35 AM
A big mining company recently hired several cannibals. "You are all part
of our team now", said the HR manager during the welcoming briefing. "You
get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to
eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees".

The cannibals promised they would not.

Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and
I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our Admin girls has disappeared.
Do any of you know what happened to her?"

The cannibals all shook their heads indicating "no".

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others,
"Which one of you idiots ate the Admin chick?"

A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals
continued, "You fool!!!!! For four weeks we've been eating Managers and
Supervisors and no one noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to go and eat
someone important!!!!"

JIM (maniopsman)

Posted by: mainopsman 04-Jun-2008, 10:36 AM
A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she
collapses from a heart attack! "Help me dear," she groans
to her husband.

The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few
minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.

His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.
"I'm dying over here and you're putting?"

"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found
a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you."

"Well, how long will it take for him to get here," she asks
feebly?

"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already
agreed to let him play through

JIM (mainopsman)

Posted by: mainopsman 04-Jun-2008, 10:36 AM
Just before their first long deployment two Navy buddies
were talking about the stress of leaving their families. A
senior officer, a veteran of many deployments, overheard
the conversation and offered the following advice:

"You must be sensitive to your wives' emotional needs," he
said. "Never, ever, whistle while you pack!"

JIM (mainopsman)

Posted by: mainopsman 04-Jun-2008, 10:38 AM
A married couple, in their early 60's, was celebrating their 44 th
wedding anniversary at a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly,
a tiny beautiful Fairy appeared on their table.

She said: 'For being such an exemplary married couple and especially
at this time, I will grant you each a wish.'
'Oh, said the wife, I want to travel around the World with my darling husband'.

The fairy waved her magic wand; and - poof! - two tickets for the
Queen Mary II luxury liner and Ten Thousand Dollars appeared in her
hands.Then it was the husband's turn. He thought for a minute and
said:'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this
will never come again, So I'm going with my mind and not my heart.

'I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.'
The wife and the Fairy were shocked and disappointed. But a wish is a
wish. So, the Fairy waved her magic wand, and - Poof! - the husband
became 92 years old...

The Moral of the story...
Men who are ungrateful should remember... Fairies are Female...

JIM (mainopsman)

Posted by: mainopsman 04-Jun-2008, 10:39 AM
Dear Internal Revenue Service:
>
> Enclosed you will find my 2008 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in
> taxes. Please note the attached article from the USA Today newspaper dated
> 12 November, wherein you will see the Pentagon (Department of Defense) is
> paying $171.50 per hammer and NASA has paid $600.00 per toilet seat.
>
> I am enclosing four (4) toilet seats (valued @ $2,400) and six (6) hammers
> valued @ $1,029), which I secured at Home Depot, bringing my total
> remittance to $3,429.00.
>
> Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential Election Fund,"
> as noted on my return.
> You can do this inexpensively by sending them one (1) 1.5" Phillips Head
> screw (see aforementioned article from USA Today newspaper detailing how
> H.U.D. pays $22.00 each for 1.5" Phillips Head Screws).
>
> One screw is enclosed for your convenience.
>
> It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to
> paying it again next year.
>
> Sincerely,
>
> A Satisfied Taxpayer

JIM (mainopsman)

Posted by: Patch 07-Jun-2008, 09:40 AM
I would be willing to sell them all my tools AND the seat off my toilet!

Slàinte,    

Patch    

Posted by: Patch 19-Jun-2008, 06:52 AM
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't
necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."

Slàinte,    

Patch    

Posted by: Patch 19-Jun-2008, 09:44 AM
A man was being interviewed for a job. "Were you
in the service?" the interviewer asks. "Yes, I was
a Marine," responds the applicant. "Did you see
any active duty?" "I was in Vietnam for two years
and I have a partial disability." "May I ask what
happened?" "Well, I had a grenade go off between
my legs and I lost both testicles." "You're hired.
You can start Monday at 10 a.m." "When does
everyone else start? I don't want any preferential
treatment because of my disability." "Everyone
else starts at 7 a.m., but I might as well be honest
with you. Nothing gets done between 7 and 10.
We just sit around scratching our balls trying to
decide what to do first."

Slàinte,    

Patch    

Posted by: mainopsman 19-Jun-2008, 10:39 AM
GREAT

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old Texas rancher whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his bid to be our President.

The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Obama is a post turtle.' Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a post turtle' was. The
old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle.'

The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain. 'You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he is up there, and you just wonder what kind of dumb asses put him up there to begin with.'

JIM (mainopsman)

Posted by: mainopsman 19-Jun-2008, 10:54 AM
I love this Doctor!

Q. I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend thelife of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.


Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way.Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!


Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.


Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain... Good!


Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?


Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!


Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is g getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:


'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you

JIM (mainopsman)

Posted by: j Padraig moore 17-Oct-2008, 10:49 AM
OK guys, I thought of this one after seeing my two favorite and most magnificent women in the world (I'll tell you who in a moment).
Name the one woman (or two), that if she walked right up to you, looked you in the eye and said "Run away with me, right now!" Ladies, I know you are peeking in here, so relax! This is all just in fun. Just something fun to think about.

I'll start. Who would I run away with if she asked to go with her?
1. Brooke Shields
2. Catherine Zeta-Jones

'nuff said!

Posted by: flora 17-Oct-2008, 11:05 AM
I think you guys are feeling left out.


Posted by: j Padraig moore 17-Oct-2008, 12:14 PM
QUOTE (flora @ 17-Oct-2008, 12:05 PM)
I think you guys are feeling left out.

Why did I know that one of you girls would be the first to respond to this question??

biggrin.gif biggrin.gif

Posted by: j Padraig moore 17-Oct-2008, 12:16 PM
QUOTE (j Padraig moore @ 17-Oct-2008, 11:49 AM)
I'll start. Who would I run away with if she asked to go with her?
1. Brooke Shields
2. Catherine Zeta-Jones


And you know what? My wife knows this too!!
(Thats why Mel Gibson is not welcome at our house!)

laugh.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif

Posted by: valpal59 17-Oct-2008, 03:42 PM
QUOTE (j Padraig moore @ 17-Oct-2008, 01:16 PM)

[/QUOTE]
And you know what? My wife knows this too!!
(Thats why Mel Gibson is not welcome at our house!)

laugh.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif

If he happens to come by, would you please send him on to my house. wink.gif

Posted by: Harlot 17-Oct-2008, 06:04 PM
Did I hear someone say Mel Gibson,if he's not welcome at your house he sure is at mine. Have you ever seen him in a Kilit naughty.gif jawdrop.gif

Posted by: Dogshirt 17-Oct-2008, 06:32 PM
NO GIRLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Do we come into your room? I don't think so! NO GIRLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Yeah! Cathrine Zeta Jones is #1 on MY list!


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Posted by: maggiemahone1 17-Oct-2008, 07:22 PM
QUOTE (Dogshirt @ 17-Oct-2008, 07:32 PM)
NO GIRLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Do we come into your room? I don't think so! NO GIRLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Yeah! Cathrine Zeta Jones is #1 on MY list!


beer_mug.gif

guys follow girls everywhere they go... angel_not.gif and I mean everywhere!!! How do I know? I've been married many moons!!!

Posted by: Dogshirt 17-Oct-2008, 07:25 PM
I don't follow ANYONE any where! If they can't follow me, then they are LOST!!!


beer_mug.gif

Posted by: valpal59 17-Oct-2008, 07:31 PM
QUOTE (Dogshirt @ 17-Oct-2008, 07:32 PM)
NO GIRLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Do we come into your room? I don't think so! NO GIRLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Yeah! Cathrine Zeta Jones is #1 on MY list!


beer_mug.gif

I think you just did. whistling.gif

Posted by: Dogshirt 17-Oct-2008, 08:22 PM
She's a babe, but I wouldn't change my life for her! You women think LIFETIME.
Guys think WEEKEND!


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