Pub humour, Jokes o'plenty

For all those guys who are King, until their wife gets home.


Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a
stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'

'Oh yeah?' said Charlie. 'And how did this one end?'

'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'she came to me on her hands and
knees.'

'Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?'

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken'

It was Memorial Day celebration, and the senator used the occasion to announce, “I am going to go to the presidential convention and run as a favorite son.”
Listening to the speech, one man said to another “Did I miss something, or did that jerk forget to finish the sentence?”


Slàinte,    

Patch    

The defense secretaries of Austria and Hungary are meeting for consultations.
During the dialog asked the Hungarian: "We want to arrange military exercises. Could you lend us some tanks for this exercises?"
The Austrian asked back: "How many tanks do you need?" The Hungarian answered: "Two tanks are enough." The Austrian is appalled at: "Both of them?"

Ingo

10 worldly wisdoms

#1
clever man+clever woman=romance
clever man+stupid woman=affair
stupid man+stupid woman=pregnancy
stupid man+clever woman=shopping

#2
clever boss+clever employee=profit
clever boss+stupid employee=production
stupid boss+clever employee=promotion
stupid boss+stupid employee=overtime

#3
A man pays $50 for one thing he need.
A woman pays $50 for two things she doesn't need.

#4
A woman fears for the future until she find her hubby.
A man never fears for the future until he find his wife.

#5
A favorable man is a man, who gets more money, than his wife can spend.
A favorable woman is one, who find such a hubby.

#6
To rejoice with a man, you must understand him very good and love a little bit.
To rejoice with a woman, you must love her very much but never try to understand her.

#7
Married men live longer than wifeless, but they are rather ready to die.

#8
Every married man should forget his mistakes - it isn't needful, that two persons remember the same.

#9
Men wake up in the morning just as handsome, as they gone to bed at night.
Woman seem to change during the night.

#10
A woman ever has the final say in a quarrel.
All what a man still can do is the begin of a new quarrel.

What, exactly, are cats?

• Cats do what they want, when they want.

• They never listen.

• They are not predictable.

• They whine when they are not happy.

• When you want to play, they want to be left alone.

• When you want to be alone, they want to play.

• They expect you to cater to their every whim.

• They are moody

• They leave their hair everywhere.

• They drive you nuts.

Cats are just small men in fur coats.

Slàinte,    

Patch    

A man owned a small farm in West Virginia.
The West Virginia State Wage & Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.
"Well," replied the farmer, " there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
"That's the guy I want to talk to---the half-wit," says the agent.
"That would be me," replied the farmer.

Hi Patch,

I wonder that you know my cat...
That's a perfect describe.
But there is still one difference: My cat can listen! - but only if I say: "Come on there's something to eat..."

Ingo

RE: cats...
My cat uses the toilet, greets me at the door when I come home at night, and growls at the mail carrier. He eats broccoli, sits back in an armchair like a human, and is always ready to play. I have never really understood all all the wry humor about how cats do so little to please their humans.

My cats catch mice, PERIOD! For each mouse that gets into the house, I cut their food by a cup per day. If they can't learn to stay out of the dog yards, they die. If they can't stay off the highway, they die. If they stray too far out and the coyotes catch them, they die. The average life span of a cat at my house is 6 months. IF they make it 2 years, THEN they get a name. Cats are mobile mouse traps and nothing more.

Radio Shack Revenge!


Do these guys at Radio Shack ever get on your nerves, asking you for a bunch of personal data when you're just there to buy something as simple as a couple AA batteries? I think we should inconvenience these people as much as they do us. A while ago I was in Enid buying a printer cable adapter and the guy asked me for my name.

"Ghosseindhatsghabyfaird-johnson," I replied.

(blank look of confusion)

"How do you spell that?" he asked, obviously not wanting to know.

"With a hyphen," I clarified.

"Once more?" he asked.

"Ghosseindhatsghabyfaird-johnson"

"Could you please spell that?" he asked, glancing at the half dozen people waiting behind me.

"Oh... just like it sounds," I said nonchalantly.

Putting down "Johnson," he went on and asked about the address.

"Washburn, Wisconsin, 14701 N.E. Wachatanoobee Parkway, Complex 3, Building O, Appt. 1382b," I replied.

Almost through writing all this down, I said, "Or did you mean current address?"

Stopping, he said, (becoming irritated) "Yes. Current address."

"Diluthian Heights, Mississippi, 1372 S. Tinatonabee Avenue, Building 14C, Suite 2, Box 138201," I replied quite slowly.

Waiting until he finished I said, "No, wait, it's NORTH Tinatonabee Avenue." Annoyed, he backed up and changed it.

"I think," I interjected.

"And is all this correct?" he asked in a standard manner.

"Of course not," I replied, leaving, "If you want my REAL name and address, look at the darn credit card receipt."

A little mean, I must admit, but no jury would convict me... at least, none that had been to Radio Shack.

Slàinte,    

Patch    

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the State Fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that airplane." And every year Martha would say, "I know, Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

This one year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."

Martha replied, "Stumpy, that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."

Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.

They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

Slàinte,    

Patch    

A Short Love Story

Once upon a time, a man and a woman who had never
met before, and were both married to other people,
found themselves assigned to the same sleeping
room on a Trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over
sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell
Asleep quickly... He in the upper bunk and she in the
lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke
the woman saying, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you,
but would you be willing to reach into the closet to
get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied. 'Just for
tonight, let's pretend that we're married.'
'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. 'Get your own damn blanket.'

After a moment of silence, he farted.

The End


Slàinte,    

Patch    

Gary wants a job as a signalman on the railways. He is told
to meet the inspector at the signal box.
The inspector puts this question to him: "What would you
do if you realized that two trains were heading for each
other on the same track?"
Gary says, "I would switch the points for one of the trains."
"What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector.
"Then I'd dash down out of the signal box," said Gary,
"and I'd use the manual lever over there."
"What if that had been struck by lightning?"
"Then," Gary continues, "I'd run back into the signal box
and phone the next signal box."
"What if the phone was engaged?" "Well in that case,"
persevered Gary, "I'd rush down out of the box and use
the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there."
"What if that was vandalized?" "Oh well, then I'd run into town
and get my uncle Bill." This puzzles the inspector, so he asks,
"Why would you do that?"
"Because he's never seen a train crash."

Slàinte,    

Patch