Pub humour, Jokes o'plenty

When my son was in the Air Force, my wife and I visited quite often. On our first visit, we were allowed inside this top secret Communications Center, but everything in sight was covered up so we could look around everywhere -- Heck, even the toilet paper in the Men's room was disguised.

Anyway, at the exit, there's a sign above the door, which reads: "You have been exposed to Top Secret Material. Please destroy yourself before leaving the building."

Slàinte,    

Patch     

A UN plane was shot down over Iraq with a Scotsman, an Englishman and an Australian on board. The Iraqi captain interrogating them says, "I'm not as bad as the media infidels in your countries proclaim. But, for your part in your crimes against Allah, you must be punished. You will be given 50 lashes each, but to prove I have a compassionate nature, I will allow you to have whatever you want to cover your back."

The Australian goes first and asks for a thick Kangaroo hide for his back. This is granted and he receives the hide before he receives 50 lashes. His back is all torn and bleeding but he survives.

The Englishman, his nose in the air, huffs, "I will take the whipping as it comes. I will have nothing on my back and will be proud to bear the scars. Stiff upper lip, you know eh what." His wish is granted and he receives his 50 lashes. His back is torn and bleeding, his ribs are fractured and protruding. It's a terrible mess to behold.

The captain turns to the Scot. "Now it's your turn. You have the same choice as the other two. What would you like on your back?"

The Scot rubs his chin thoughtfully. "I'll have the Englishman."

HAHAHA! I haven't heard this joke in years! When we were little, this was the joke my brother, sister, and I would tell each other during mass. We did it each week, but it always cracked us up!

Did you know that if you put your finger in your ear and wiggle it it sounds just like pac man?








Your trying aren't ya.

Do you know why Santa Claus is so jolly?

He knows where all of the Bad Girls live.

What do you call a drunk Irishman in your back yard?

Patty-o-Furniture.

Put the kids in the other room for this one!



Police work must be entertaining as well as dangerous.

Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night. The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication. The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around' he stated.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.'
Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence .
'I said: 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin??'

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said:


'A pumpkin??? Sh@t ... is it midnight already?'
The Washington Post wrote an article describing this as 'Best come-back line ever.'

Tortise and Hare

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car-both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"

Something you need to keep in mind when the day comes !!!!!!!




Gladys failed a Health and Safety course at the Senior Center today.
One of the questions was:
"In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?"

"F***ing' big ones" was apparently the wrong answer.

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut ?

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.' The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'

The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.' The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?

The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half . The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Shamus, do me a favor , follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back.'

A little while later, Shamus returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?'

Shamus looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said,


'Your house!'

A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away. As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for 10 more years and then dies. They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.

As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes
to the right and one drive goes to the left.
The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and
takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but
in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups.
Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golf
bag and looks at her and says, "I'm Mother Nature, and I don't like the
way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand
the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically
ill to the point of total nausea."
The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared.
Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband "Hey, where's your ball?"
"It's over here in the pussy willows."
The wife screams back, "DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!! DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!!"

A foursome of men is waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tee.

The ladies are taking their time.




When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet.



Then she goes over and whiffs it completely.



Then she hacks it another ten feet and finally hacks it another five feet.

She looks up at the waiting men and says apologetically,

"I guess all those f*cking lessons I took over the winter didn't help me."

One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have it.

You should have taken golfing lessons instead!"

He never even had a chance to duck. He was only 43.