Pub humour, Jokes o'plenty

Cold enough for ya?

Attached Image. (Click thumbnail to expand)

Can we get a vote here?

Attached Image. (Click thumbnail to expand)

This poor lad has had it with this weather.....

Attached Image. (Click thumbnail to expand)

How funny,but I guess I should not laugh as I set here in 71 degree weather.
So sorry, come on down there is plenty of room.

I'll be there in a jiffy

I read the first 10 pages straight thru then had to stop and go to the store to satisfy an intense thirst for Guinness. this done I sat back, drank deeeply and read the next 11 pages wothout stopping. This is without a doubt the best collection of "funnies" I have ever come across. I can't wait to come back and continue on. Cheers to you all! Slainte

Sadie and Yetta, two widows, are talking:

Sadie: "That nice Morris Finkleman asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Yetta: "Vell.... I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctual like a clock. An like such a mench he is dressed. Fine suit, wonderful lining. And he brings me such beautiful flowers you could die from. Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but such a beautiful car..... a limousine even, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for a dinner.....Marvelous dinner. Lobster even. Den ve go see a show.... let me tell you Sadie, I enjoyed it so much I could just die from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment, and into an ANIMAL he turns. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"

Sadie: "Oy! Vey... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"

Yetta: "No... I'm just saying that if you go, wear an old dress!"


Slàinte,    

Patch    

As a bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery in the remote countryside and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost and being a typical man, did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew who were eating lunch but the hearse was nowhere in sight.

I apologized to the workers for my tardiness and stepped to the side of the open grave where I saw the vault lid already in place.

I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I played out my heart and soul.

As I played the workers began to weep. I played and I played like I'd never played before, from Going Home and The Lord is My Shepherd to Flowers of the Forest. I closed the lengthy session with Amazing Grace and walked to my car.

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "Sweet Jeezuz, Mary'n Joseph, I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Slàinte,    

Patch    

How to maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity


1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice!

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana'

6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.

7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.

9. Sing Along At The Opera.

10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache..

11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won!"

12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!"

13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new
country and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring "Run....run!"

The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands
up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run ya bahstard,
r-run will ya!"

A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased
with his knowledge of the game, screams: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run
will ya!"

The next batter held his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a
walk. The Scotsman stands up yelling: "R-r-run ya Bahstard, r-r-run!"
All the surrounding fans chuckle quietly and he sits down confused. A
friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment whispers, "He doesn't have to
run, he got four balls."

"Walk with pr-r-ride man!"

Flora

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory
over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured
English soldiers. Without the middle finger, it would be impossible to
draw the renowned English longbow and therefore be incapable of fighting
in the future.

This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act
of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew." Much to the
bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began
mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated
French,saying, "See, we can still pluck yew! PLUCK YEW!"

Over the years, some 'folk etymologies' have grown up around this
symbolic gesture. Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say (like
"pleasant mother pheasant plucker", which is who you had to go to for
the feathers used on the arrows for the longbow), the difficult
consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a
labiodental fricative 'F', and thus the words often used in conjunction
with the one-finger-salute are mistakenly thought to have something to
do with an intimate encounter.

It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows that the
symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird."

Flora

That is really not a joke but historicaly correct!
I have this posted here on CR some place a few years ago.

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins:


1. The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

2. The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'

3. Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

4. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.

5. Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

6. Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

7. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

8. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

9. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.
So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

10. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

11. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

12. Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

13. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

14. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

15. The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

16 Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

17. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

18. This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

19. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

20. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

21. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

22. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

23. Weight Watchers will meet at 7PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

24. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday:
'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.

Well excuse me, Shadow. I didn't know.

Flora

There is so much repeat stuff on here...

Please view the previous pages before posting... my opinion only and not the CR policy!

No appology needed!