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Important perspectives on life:
1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather --
who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming
like all the passengers in his car.
-- Author Unknown
2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get
a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two
aspirin" and "Keep away from children".
-- Author Unknown
3) Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a
support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY and they meet at the bar after work.
-- Drew Carey
4) Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a
woman I don't like and just give her a house.
-- Rod Stewart
5) The problem with the designated driver program, it's
not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing
it, have fun with it...at the end of the night, drop them
off at the wrong house.
-- Jeff Foxworthy
6) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow
Disease" was taken.
-- Unknown (presumed deceased)
7) If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and
saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's
life without even considering if there is a man on base.
-- Dave Barry
8) It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting
married.
-- George Burns
9) Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job and we
should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants
to leave you they should give you two weeks' notice. There
should be severance pay and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.
-- Bob Ettinger
10) My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.
-- Paula Poundstone
11) A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh."
-- Conan O'Brien
12) Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, "Oh my
God...I could be eating a slow learner."
-- Lynda Montgomery
13) I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of
people in New York said, "Gee, I'm enjoying the crime
and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go
west."
-- Richard Jeni
14) If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
impersonators would be dead.
-- Johnny Carson
15) Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us
geography.
-- Paul Rodriguez
16) My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.
-- Jerry Seinfeld
17) Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest? What is the logic in that? What,
do tall people burn slower?
-- Warren Hutcherson
18) Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same.
-- Oscar Wilde
19) Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
-- Mark Twain
20) Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan!
-- A. Whitney Brown
21) You can say any foolish thing to a dog and the dog will
give you a look that says, "My God, you're right! I never
would've thought of that!"
-- Dave Barry
I am only as strong as the cocktails I drink, the hair spray I
use, and the friends I have. Here's to you, friend.
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"If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe."
Carl Sagan
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Perspectives On Life, A "lighter" view
