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Why is it that I'm the bad guy again. I tried to talk again I need to get all the bad stuff out. No one is listening. All I hear is "No josh, your wrong josh, thats not right josh, you can't feel like that josh". Five times now I have tried to sit and talk to Amanda.She just yells at me. I asked her how she can seem as if I never mattered to her. She said it's because she numb in side. I guess because shes numb I have to be the same why. Well Amanda I'm not like you.This morning I tried to talk to nic and josh. But that turned into nothing but me getting chewed out. I even told them I had to get it out and they said that was a lie. Guess what It wan't a lie I needed to get it out. I tried to talk to Joe and all he can do is talk about how he think it's because I wont party. Nope Joe that's not it. I just want a loved one to care that I have all this bad stuff in side and I can't get it to go way. I'm scared. I can feel it like slime. Oozing across my brain. It's seeping into my mouth and falling into my belly where it goes into every inch of my body. I want it out. The only thing holding me strong Is my kids. But I'm scared I will mess that up. So that is slowly slipping. I feel like every one at one time has said fu(k you josh and has left me to handle this by my self. Just like before all i get is the victim sh&t. It getting so bad I can't see straight. When I stand up I almost pass out and not one person seems to care that this is happening to me. I'm scared to even ask for help. I feel like that dog that's been kicked so many times by his owner every time he moves hes trying to hide so he does get it again. I just want to go into a hole and come when I'm called. Then go back into. Thats want I'm kinda doing. I'm hiding in the bed room because I can't take it anymore. If I stay back here and sit on this computer I'm safe from the ooze. I just hope that is stays that way.
thank you for listening. again it helped me.
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