| Bad Jokes From Lil
, (Mace isn't the only one who loves them)
Posted: 13-Feb-2005, 04:45 PM
Realm: Spring Hill, Florida, USA
| Now, I took the reeeeeeealy bad ones out, lol, none of these are intended in any way to hurt anyone's feelings, so please, don't take any of them as a statement of my views, k?
Ok, That said...here goes...
Q. What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
A. Juan on Juan
Q. What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
A. The position of the dirt bag
Q. Why is air a lot like sex?
A. Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any
Q. Why are there no Mexican Firefighters?
A. They can’t tell “Jose” from “Hose B”
Q. What do you call a smart blonde?
A. A golden retriever.
Q. What do attorneys use for birth control?
A. Their personalities.
Q. Who is the most popular guy at a Mexican wedding?
A. The guy with the jumper-cables
Q. What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
A. 45 lbs
Q. What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
A. 45 minutes
Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
A. Because those men already have boyfriends.
Q. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you
Q. What makes men chase after women they have no intention of marrying?
A. The same urge that makes dogs chase after cars they have no intention of driving.
Q. Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love?
A. Because they have cotton balls.
Q. What's the difference between a Porcupine and BMW?
A. A Porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
Q. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A. "Are you sure it's mine?"
Q. Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
A. Mace will do that to you.
Q. Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
A. Everyone has the same DNA.
Q. Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
A. He walks around saying "Yo."
Q. Why do Drivers' Ed classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A. A different Pub.
Q. Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
A. They named him "Sum Ting Wong”
Q. What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A. A speech impediment.
Q. What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
A. They're hiring.
Q. What's the difference between a Southern US Zoo and a Northern US Zoo?
A. A Southern US Zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with..."A recipe".
Q. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
Q. What's the difference between a Northern US fairytale and a Southern US fairytale?
A. A Northern US fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." and a Southern US fairytale begins; "Y'all ain't gonna believe this sh*t..."
Q. Why is there no Disneyland in China?
A. No one's tall enough to go on the good rides
Q. What do you call a girl with one leg?
Q. What do you call a Japanese girl with only one leg?
Q. What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in the ocean?
Q. What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in the bushes?
Q. How do you get a one armed Polack hanging from a tree limb to let go?
Q. What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs who is Waterskiing?
Q. What are the only words that will make an Irishman run?
A. “Drinks are on the house”
Posted: 17-Feb-2005, 10:31 AM
Princess of Báisteach
Realm: Wisconsin (Transplant, From Texas)
| I have some cute stuff that my HUSBAND actually sent me..funny. I tought I'd shre them with all of you. Enjoy!
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffe,
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items
the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her
wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set
in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?"
I asked. "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to
come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most
evil thing I could do to him legally."
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never
understand how you can take boiling hot wax pour it
onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with
communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?" Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop righ here.
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a
box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers cause it's sooo-ooo-oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own ............ so does she.
(This guy could be the one on the milk carton!)
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles,not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats,and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,"Relatives of yours" Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we
have to repeat everything to men...The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"
Go mbeannaí Dia duit !
Posted: 17-Feb-2005, 10:35 AM
Princess of Báisteach
Realm: Wisconsin (Transplant, From Texas)
Here's another one, sorry it's so long!
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says . . . "HEBREWS"
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