Pub humour, Jokes o'plenty

> > > Alabama boy
> > >
> > >It was the first day of third grade in a new town for
> > >Johnny. As a test, his teacher went around the room and
> > >asked each of the students to count to 50. Some did
> > >very well, counting as high as 30 or 40 with just a few
> > >mistakes. Others couldn't get past 20. Johnny, however,
> > >did extremely well; he counted past 50, right up to 100
> > >without any mistakes. He was so excited that he ran
> > >home and told his Dad how well he had done. His Dad
> > >nodded and told him, "That's because you're from
> > >Alabama, son."
> > >
> > >The next day, in language class, the teacher asked the
> > >students to recite the alphabet. It's third grade, so
> > >most could make it half way through without much
> > >trouble. Some made it to "S" or "T," but Johnny rattled
> > >off the alphabet perfectly right to the end. That
> > >evening, Johnny once again bragged to his Dad about his
> > >prowess in his new school. His Dad knowingly explained
> > >to him, "That's because you are from Alabama, son."
> > >
> > >The next day, after Phys Ed, the boys were taking
> > >showers. Johnny noticed that compared to the other boys
> > >in his grade, he seemed overly "endowed." This confused
> > >him. That night he told his dad, "Dad, the other boys
> > >all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger
> > >than theirs. Is that because I'm from Alabama?" he
> > >asked. "No, son," explained his Dad, "That's because
> > >you're 18."
> >
>

Creator Speaking
*************

The man whispered, "Creator, speak to me" ...And a meadowlark sang. But the man
did not hear.


So the man yelled "Creator, speak to me" ...And the thunder & lightning rolled
across the sky. But the man did not listen.


The man looked around and said, "Creator, let me see you."...And a star shined
brightly. But the man did not see.


And, the man shouted, "Creator, show me a miracle"...And a life was born. But
the man did not notice.


So, the man cried out in despair, "Touch me, Creator, and let me know you are
here"...Whereupon, Creator reached down and touched the man. But the man brushed
the butterfly away and walked on.


I found this to be a great reminder that the Creator is always around us in the
little and simple things that we take for granted. Even in our electronic
age . . . so I would like to add one more:

The man cried "Creator, I need your help" ... and an e-mail arrived reaching out
with good news and encouragement. But the man deleted it and continued
crying.....


The good news is that you are loved.
Don't miss out on a blessing because it isn't packaged the way that you
expect.


Expect the unexpected.... Have a great day!

> >The Washington Post published a contest for readers
in which they
> > were asked to supply alternative meanings for various
words. The following
> were some of the winning entries:
>
> > > > a.. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
>
> > > > b.. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much
weight you have
> gained.
>
> > > > c.. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever
having a flat
> > stomach.
>
> > > > d.. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation
while drunk.
>
> > > > e.. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
>
> > > > f.. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in
which you
> > absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
>
> > > > g.. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
>
> > > > h.. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.
>
> > > > i.. Flatulence (n.), the emergency vehicle that
picks you up after
> you are run over by a steamroller.
>
> > > > j.. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
>
> > > > k.. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
>
> > > > l.. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor
assumed by a
> proctologist immediately before he examines you.
>
> > > > m.. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his
conversation with
> > Yiddish expressions.
>
>

If you ever need summaries for performance evaluations, here are a few good
ones.

1. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has
started to dig.
2. I would not allow this employee to breed.
3. This employee is really not so much of a has-been but more of a definite
won't be.
4. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a
trap
5. When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.
6. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
7. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
8. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
9. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
10. This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.
11. Got a full six-pack but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
12. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
13. He does not have ulcers, but he is a carrier.
14. I would like to go hunting with him sometime.
15. He has been working with glue to much.
16. He would argue with a signpost.
17. He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.
18. When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.
19. If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he is the other one.
20. A prime candidate for natural de-selection.
21. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
22. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
23. Gates are down, the lights are flashing but the train is not coming.
24. Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
25. If he were any more stupid, he would have to be watered twice a week.
26. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you would get change.
27, If you stand close enough to him you can hear the ocean.
28. It is hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
29. One neuron short of a synapse.
30. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
31. Takes him two hours to watch 60 minutes.
32. The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

Subject: 15 Things to do at Wal-Mart
>
>
> > 15 Things to do at Wal-Mart while your spouse/partner/significant other
is
> > taking his/her sweet time:
> >
> > 1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in
> > people's carts when they aren't looking.
> >
> > 2. Set all the alarm clocks in housewares to go off at
> > 5 minute intervals.
> >
> > 3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor to the
> > rest rooms.
> >
> > 4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an
> > official tone, 'Code 3 in housewares,'...and see what
> > happens.
> >
> > 5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's
> > on lay away.
> >
> > 6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted
> > area.
> >
> > 7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell
> > other shoppers you'll only invite them in if they
> > bring pillows from the bedding department.
> >
> > 8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry
> > and ask 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
> >
> > 9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a
> > mirror while you pick your nose.
> >
> > 10. While handling guns in the hunting department ask
> > the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
> >
> > 11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly
> > humming the theme from 'Mission Impossible'.
> >
> > 12. In the auto department practice your Madonna look
> > using different size funnels.
> >
> > 13. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse
> > through say 'PICK ME! PICK ME!!!!!!'
> >
> > 14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker,
> > assume the fetal position and scream 'NO! NO! It's
> > those voices again'.
> >
> > And last but not least,
> >
> > 15. Go into a fitting room and yell real loudly ...
> > 'Hey! We're out of toilet paper in here!'.
>

Last one for today I promise LOL!

Sex in the dark:

> > > > There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time
> > >they
> > > > made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.
> > > > Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she
> > > > would break him of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in
> > >the
> > > > middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
> > > > She looked down ... and saw her husband was holding a battery operated
> > > > pleasure device... a vibrator ... soft, wonderful and larger than a real
> > > > one.
> > > > She goes completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at
> > > > him,"how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain
> > > > yourself!"
> > > > The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll
> > >explain
> > > > the toy ... if you explain the kids."

I lied LOL!

Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor
>manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning
>labels be placed immediately on all containers:
>
>WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
>happened to your bra.
>
>WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering
>when you are not.
>
>WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a
>retard.
>
>WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over
>and over again that you love them.
>
>WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
>
>WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers
>are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
>
>WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically
>converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
>
>WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical
>Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.
>
>WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the
>morning and see something really scary.
>
>WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable
>rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.
>
>WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
>tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
>
>WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are
>invisible.
>
>WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
>laughing WITH you.
>
>WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the
>time-space continuum, where by gaps of time may seem to literally
>disappear.
>
>WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
>

Let's hope CelticRose doesn't show her husband this!!!

Why on CelticRoses husband? This is a good one Mike!! Are you trying to give people ideas here?? LOL I loved number 14!!!!LOL

Thanks for the laugh..you two Shadows..

A point of contention with #2...

The alarm clocks are not in housewares. They're in electronics ...

I see!! I used to work at Wal-mart if I lived in a larger town I would do some of these things.. I think when I am shopping with my sister I will do the fitting room one.. She would just die..

Thanks for the fun

At a world brewing convention in the States, the CEOs of various brewing
organizations retired to the bar at the end of each day's conferencing.

Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouted to the Barman: "In 'Strylya, we make the
best bladdy beer in the world, so pour me a bladdy Fosters, mate."

Bob, CEO of Budweiser calls out next: "In the States, we brew the finest
beers of the world, and I make the king of them all, gimme a Bud."

Hans steps up next: "In Germany ve invented das beer, ferdamt. Give me
ein Becks, ya ist der real King of beers, danke."

Paddy, CEO of Guinness, steps forward: "Barman, would ya give me a diet
coke with ice and lemon. tanks."

The others stare at him in stunned silence, amazement written all over
their faces.

Eventually Bruce asks: "Are you not going to have a Guinness, Pat?"

Paddy replies "Well, if you fookin' pansies aren't drinkin', then
neither am I!"

Responding to the doorbell, Mrs Johnson found a group of neighborhood kids. Obviously prepared for a trip to the ball field, with bats, gloves and cleats in hand they asked if Jimmy can come play ball with them. "It is very kind of you to want to include Jimmy in your plans boys but you know Jimmy has no arms or legs" Mrs Johnson replied. The tallest of the group, with hat in hand, responded "Oh we know Jimmy has no arms or legs, we thought he could play home plate"

Why Men shouldn't take messages.





Honey,

Someone from the Gyna Colleges called,
they said the Pabst Beer was fine.

P.S. I thought you didn't like beer?

Love it!!!!