Pub humour, Jokes o'plenty

A wealthy woman is giving a garden party, and several well-to-do guests attend. While the party ensues, two gardeners are out on the back lawn working. One of the guests was watching the gardeners do their thing, and while one gardener was busy weeding the other jumped up and did graceful swirling dance movements.

Taken by his grace, the guest remarked to the host, "That man is such a talented dancer, that I'd pay him a hundred pounds to demonstrate his dancing before my aerobics class!"

When the host asked the first gardener about such an arrangement, he yelled, "Hey Fred! Do you think for twenty bucks you could step on the short rake again?"

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Patch    

A self-righteous man went to the doctor for a check-up. He said, "I feel terrible. Please examine me and tell me what is wrong."

"Let's begin with a few questions," said the doctor, "Do you drink much?"

"Alcohol?" said the man. "I'm a teetotaler. Never touch a drop."

"How about smoking?" asked the doctor. "Never," replied the man. "Tobacco is bad, and I have strong principles against it."

"Well, uh." asked the doctor, "do you have much sex life?"

"Oh, no," said the man. "Sex is sin. I'm in bed by 10:30 every night and I always have been."

The doctor paused, looked at the man hard, and asked, "Well, do you have pains in your head?"

"Yes," said the man. "I have terrible pains in my head."

"O.K.," said the doctor. "That's your trouble. Your halo is on too tight!!

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The crowded cafeteria sported a large sign reading: "Watch Your Hat And Overcoat."

Ira sure did. He kept turning every minute, almost choking over his food. His pal, Barney, kept on eating, without thought of his own coat on the hook.

Finally Barney said, "Ira, you Schmuck...stop watching our overcoats."

"I'm only watching mine," replied Ira. "Your's has been gone for over half an hour."

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The Pope has just finished a tour of Napa Valley and is taking a limousine to San Francisco. Having never driven a limo, the Pope asks the chauffeur if he might drive for a while. Well, the chauffeur doesn't have much choice, so he climbs in the back of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel.

The Pope proceeds down Silverado, and starts accelerating to see what the limo can do. He gets to about 90 mph, and suddenly he sees the red and blue lights of a CHP cruiser in his mirror. He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window.

The trooper, seeing who it is, says, "Just a moment please, I need to call in."

The trooper calls in and asks for the Chief. He tells the Chief that he's got a REALLY important person pulled over, and asks how to handle it.

"It's not Ted Kennedy again, is it?" asks the Chief.

"No Sir!" replies the trooper, "This guy's more important."

"Is it the governor?"

"No! Even more important!"

"Is it the PRESIDENT?"

"No! Even more important!"

"Well, WHO THE HECK is it?" screams the Chief.

"I don't know, Sir," replies the trooper, "But he's got the Pope as his chauffeur!

Many of us 'Old Folks' (over 50's to our kids) are quite confused today about how we should present ourselves. Feeling 'young', we try to conform to current fashions and present a youthful image. Contrary to what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals

2. Spiked hair and bald spots

3. A pierced tongue and dentures

4. Miniskirts and support hose

5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads

6. Speedos and cellulite

7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar

8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor

9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge

10. Bikinis and liver spots

11. Mini-skirts and varicose veins

And, most importantly ...

12. At some point you have to give up the 'DAISY DUKE' shorts!

Farmer Josh killed a pig and hung it up for the night, intending to butcher it in the morning, but the next day it was gone.

He didn't tell a soul about it, and nothing happened for more than two months.

Then another farmer, who lived down the road, came by and said, "By the way Josh, did you ever find out who stole your pig?"

"Nope," said Josh. "Not until just now."


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A motorist was on trial for hitting a pedestrian.

The motorist's lawyer made this point: "Your honor, my client has been driving for over thirty years."

To which the lawyer for the plaintiff retorted: "Your honor, if we are going to judge this case by experience, may I remind you that my client has been walking for over fifty years."

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Eight and a half months very pregnant with twins, I was used to getting nervous glances from strangers. But I never realized how imposing I was until my husband and I went out to dinner at a new restaurant.

The hostess sat us at our table, took one long look at my stomach and asked, "Would you like me to get you a high chair just in case?"

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An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."

The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns."

"Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

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The following are real statements found on insurance claim forms. Drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident succinctly.

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Coming home, I drove into wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

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I thought my window was down, but found it was up when I put my head through it.

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The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.

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The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

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I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

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In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

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I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision, and I did not see the other car.

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The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck the front end.

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I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in the ditch by some stray cows.

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The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

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I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

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I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

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As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

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My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

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An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

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I told the police that I was not injured, but upon removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.

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I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the curb when I struck him.

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The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.

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As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out, "Anyone here know how to pray?"

One man stepped forward. "Aye, Captain, I know how to pray."

"Good," said the captain, "you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're one short."

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There was a poor old Irish cobbler whose shop was next door to a very upscale French restaurant.

Every day at lunch time, Mike, the Irish gent, would go out the back of his shop and eat his soda bread and maybe a kipper or piece of Irish blue cheese while smelling the wonderful odors coming from the restaurant's kitchen.

One morning, the Irishman was surprised to receive an invoice in the mail from the adjoining restaurant for "enjoyment of food"

Mystified, he marched right over to the restaurant to point out that he had not bought a thing from them.

The manager said, "You're enjoying our food, so you should pay us for it." The Irishman refused to pay and the restaurant took him to court.

At the hearing, the judge asked the restaurant to present their side of the case. The manager said, "Every day, this man comes and sits outside our kitchen and smells our food while eating his. It is clear that we are providing added value to his poor food and we deserve to be compensated for it."

The judge turned to Mike and said, "What do you have to say to that?" The old Irishman didn't say a thing but smiled and stuck his hand in his pocket and rattled the few coins he had inside.

The judge asked him, "What is the meaning of that?" The Irishman replied with a mile wide grin, - "I'm paying for the smell of his food with the sound of my money."

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My cousin acquired a female house cat, which she had spayed. Her seven-year-old son, Jason, was watching the cat's antics one day with his aunt, who asked, "Do you think Abby is in heat?" "Oh, no," Jason swiftly replied. "Mom had her heating system taken out."

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When I last ate at my favorite restaurant, the server was either very busy or not too bright. I asked him if the roast beef was rare and he replied, "No sir. We have it every day."

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