Weapons Of Mass Destruction, home defence

[maisky]

Subject: Stun Gun


STUN GUN .. ONLY A GUY WOULD DO THIS..

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. This was submitted by
a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their
anniversary. Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop
that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I
was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came
across was a 100,000 volt,pocket/purse sized taser. The effects of the
taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect
on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety ....
WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was
disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue
arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn
spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?!!! There I
sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little
soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really
needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must
admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and
thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to
give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did
want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one second burst
would shock and disorient your assailant; a two second burst was
supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
three second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds
would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,
less than 3/4" in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two
itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
best..... I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head
cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one
second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that
bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for the heck of
it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%_!@*!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,
testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in
the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over
me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face,
undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one
note of caution: There is no such thing as a one second burst when you
zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second
burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-.. that hurt like h_ _ _!!! A minute or so later (I can't be
sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits
(what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent
reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get
there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip
weighed 88 lbs.

I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a significant reward
for their safe return.

Still in shock, Numb nuts

[sisterknight]

[dundee]

i am sitting here laughing to the point of tears..... and my nipples are tingling..*L*
j/k about he nipples part....

[coryedwards]

Can't say I've ever wanted to hit myself with one of those....definitely don't now.

[valpal59]

[Aaediwen]

He made the right choice
1) If he had hit the cat, then he would have been being cruel and inhumane to the cat. in which case he should then have the same tazer turned on himself. ending in a similar result

2) since he was stupid enough to actually turn the tazer on himself voluntarilly, then he deserved to wake up in rather compromising positions on the floor feeling like he was thrown from a train into a gravel pit.

Since he decided not to zap the feline, he got the less painful of the two options, and the much more humane. While the feline got a really funny show.

[dundee]

*sigh*..... so many cats.... so few recipies...

[mydogisaleprechaun]

hang on, lemme pick myself up off the floor!!! thats hilarious!! it reminds me of the time i got a shock- collar for my dog (the leprechaun) she's very fuzzy especially around the neck (a chow chow and wolf mix). the thing had 12 different shock settings so i started on 5...son of a ouch! it was king of like licking the top side of a 9 volt battery, only worse. although nothing liek the poor ole chap who's still searching for his testicles!

[Knightly Knight]

Maisky, this was a funny and well written story.

A couple months I read an article about policemen urging others not to "test the tazer". Police officers usually offer up the strongest officer to sacrifice themselves for a demonstration. What the officers have found is there are long term injuries associated but not advertised by the manufacturers. At best I'd suggest after you find your testicles you never attack yourself again or really make your wife extremely angry.

Have a great day!

[Donajhi]

Thanks for sharing.......I need a tissue please.......

[Lady of the Loch]

I don't know how I missed this post, but that was good!!!!!!!!

[LadyOfAvalon]

Gees!It's been a while since I laughed so much my ribs hurt!!!!

Can't believe a grown man would do something like this.
Thanks for sharing your story...hope you won't try something like that again though...