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Celtic Radio Community > The Jester's Court > More Bad Jokes From Maceoghainn


Posted by: MacEoghainn 06-Feb-2005, 10:01 AM
Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest


1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess
looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per
passenger."


2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says
"Dam!"


3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the
craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have
your kayak and heat it too.


4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other
says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."


5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root
canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.


6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in
the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an
hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But
why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand
chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."


7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a
family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain;
they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his
birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she
wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're
twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."


8. The friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a
small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from
the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was
unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He
went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival
florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town
to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their
store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they
did so, thereby proving that: only Hugh can prevent florist friars.


9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very
little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from
bad breath. This made him ...(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A
super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.


10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his
friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did!

Posted by: MacEoghainn 06-Feb-2005, 10:16 AM
You were warned!!

Subject: Deep Observations on Life



1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."
--Author Unknown

2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."
--Author Unknown

3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
--Drew Carey

4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."
--Jeff Foxworthy

5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base."
--Dave Barry

6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger

7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"
--Paula Poundstone

8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh."
--Conan O'Brien

9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my....I could be eating a slow learner."
--Lynda Montgomery

10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"
--Richard Jeni

11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."
--Johnny Carson

12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
--Paul Rodriguez

13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law."
--Jerry Seinfeld

14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?"
--Warren Hutcherson

15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."
--Oscar Wilde

16) "Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself."
--Mark Twain

17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan."
--A. Whitney Brown

18) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'"
--Dave Barry

19) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.
--Unknown, presumed deceased

Posted by: Annabelle 06-Feb-2005, 10:25 PM
Mac E, please go to your room!

Do not pass go!

Do not collect $200

you need a time out corner to ponder on the subject of life!

or someone get a gun and put him out of his misery! please!

no more jokes!

you are truely a very sick man

you can use your Tri-care medical for therapy you know?

Posted by: MacEoghainn 07-Feb-2005, 06:03 PM
QUOTE (Annabelle @ 06-Feb-2005, 11:25 PM)
Mac E, please go to your room!

Do not pass go!

Do not collect $200

you need a time out corner to ponder on the subject of life!

or someone get a gun and put him out of his misery! please!

no more jokes!

you are truely a very sick man

you can use your Tri-care medical for therapy you know?

Ok cry.gif I'll stop crybaby.gif You didn't have to be so mean.bangin.gif

MacE smile.gif

Posted by: TheCarolinaScotsman 07-Feb-2005, 07:40 PM
A man in Florida had several pet dolphins. He discovered that he could make them live for ever by feeding them sea gulls. Every day, he went out and caught sea gulls for his pets. One day, his way was blocked by a toothless old circus lion. He got a firm grasp on his bag of sea gulls and with a running start, jumped over the lion. Immediately, wildlife agents swarmed out of hiding and arrested him. The charge: Transporting gulls across a staid lion for immortal porpoises.

Posted by: Annabelle 08-Feb-2005, 03:19 PM
Carolina have you ever heard of ritual killlings for people who tell terrible jokes?

Posted by: MDF3530 08-Feb-2005, 03:31 PM
What if we just repeat them biggrin.gif ?

Posted by: MacEoghainn 20-Mar-2005, 09:23 AM
A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Mercedes convertible.

He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing
through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is great," he thought as he roared on down I-75. He pushed the pedal to the metal even more.

Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him with no problem," thought the man and he tromped on it some more, and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120mph.

Then he thought,"What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing." He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him. The trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes, and walked up to the man.

"Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me any reason why you were speeding, that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida State trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."

The trooper replied, "Sir, have a nice day!"

Posted by: MDF3530 20-Mar-2005, 11:07 AM
That's great MacE laugh.gif thumbup.gif !

Posted by: Madadh 21-Mar-2005, 05:50 AM
MacE, that made the morning biggrin.gif

Posted by: MacEoghainn 21-Mar-2005, 07:13 PM
Subject: POLICE CAR


The Kern County, California, Sheriff's Department orders plain white patrol units and has the graphics applied locally. In this case: What they ordered was not quite what they got.


This car was driven for 1 week before an officer noticed what the graphics company employee did on the passenger side of the car. The employee did this on his last day working for the graphics company before he retired.(see attached photo)

Posted by: TheCarolinaScotsman 22-Mar-2005, 01:38 PM
lol.gif Sounds like a slogan to me. biggrin.gif

Posted by: MacEoghainn 22-Mar-2005, 05:42 PM
The best drinking story ever! (some might call it evil)

From the state where drinking and driving is considered a sport comes this true story from Milwaukee, WI. You don't have to have lived the dream in Wisconsin to appreciate this!

A routine police patrol parked outside a local neighborhood bar. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles he managed to find his own car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a dry night),flicked the hazard flasher, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and remained stationary for a few more minutes as more patrons left in their vehicles. At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started driving slowly down the street.

The police officer, having patiently waited all this time now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all.

Dumbfounded, the officer said, ?I?ll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station, apparently this equipment is broken.?

?I doubt it,? said the man, ?Tonight I?m the designated decoy.?


Posted by: MacEoghainn 22-Mar-2005, 06:06 PM
I'm on a roll here!!

I think the person who wrote this has been hanging around with the comedian, Gallagher.

English Again

If you've learned to speak fluent English, you must be a genius! This
little treatise on the lovely language we share is only for the brave.

Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to
present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) The two were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor
pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or
French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads,
which aren't sweet, are meat.

Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is
neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write
but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? If you have a bunch of
odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call
it? Is it an odd, or an end?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian
eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? In what language do
people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send
cargo by ship?

Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man
and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your
house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by
filling it out, and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.
That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the
lights are out, they are invisible.

P.S. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"?

Contributed by Sermon Fodder member Rev Joseph S. Dye, Shiloh United
Methodist Church, Carrollton, Georgia 30117-6007

Brought your way by The Sermon Fodder list. To subscribe drop a
note to [email protected] or to
[email protected]. Please leave this attached if you
forward this to friends.

Posted by: Madadh 22-Mar-2005, 06:10 PM
Home Remedies that really work


1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic! Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your thoat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid ctting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink. sad.gif

4. For high blood pressure sufferes - just cu yourself and bleed for a few minutes. This will reduce the pressure in your veins. death.gif

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after hitting the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thoumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.


Sometimes, you only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

Posted by: MDF3530 22-Mar-2005, 09:33 PM
Bill Gates Meets His Programmer

Bill Gates suddenly dies and finds himself face to face with God. God stands over him and says, ?Well Bill, I?m really confused on this one. It?s a tough decision. I?m not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows ?95 among other indiscretions. I believe I?ll do something I?ve never done before; I?ll let you decide where you want to go.?

Bill pushed up his glasses, looked up at God and replied, ?Could you briefly explain the difference between the two?? Looking slightly puzzled, God said, ?Better yet, why don?t I let you visit both places briefly, then you can make your decision. Which do you choose to see first, Heaven or Hell??

Bill played with his pocket protector for a moment, then looked back at God and said, ?I think I?ll try Hell first.? So, with a flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke, Bill Gates went to Hell.

When he materialized in Hell, Bill looked around. It was beautiful and clean, a bit warm, with sandy beaches and tall mountains, clear skies, pristine water, and beautiful women frolicking about. A smile came across Bill?s face as he took in a deep breath of the clean air. ?This is great,? he thought, ?if this is Hell, I can?t wait to see heaven.?

Within seconds of his thought, another flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke appeared, and Bill was off to Heaven. Heaven was a place high above the clouds, where angels were drifting about playing their harps and singing in a beautiful chorus. It was a very nice place, Bill thought, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill looked up, yelled for God, told him his decision and was sent to Hell for eternity.

Time passed, and God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was progressing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill Gates shackled to a wall in a dark cave amid bone thin men and tongues of fire, being burned and tortured by demons.

?So, how is everything going?? God asked.

Bill responded with a cracking voice filled with anguish and disappointment, ?This is awful! It?s nothing like the Hell I visited the first time!! I can?t believe this is happening! What happened to the other place...with the beaches and the mountains and the beautiful women??

?That was the demo,? replied God.

Posted by: Lil 22-Mar-2005, 10:58 PM
Oh, my lord, I almost fell out of the chair!
Keep 'em coming Maceoghainn, I love them!

Lil

Posted by: MacEoghainn 20-Apr-2005, 04:31 PM
Shhh, Don't let Annabelle know I've posted another bad joke, she might hurt me! biggrin.gif






Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 mph. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide open and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. "No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly - Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car okay? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer said.

The little old lady driver replied, "Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

Posted by: Madadh 21-Apr-2005, 06:58 AM
MacE,

Keep 'em comming, makes the day at work go smoother biggrin.gif

Posted by: Lil 21-Apr-2005, 09:20 AM
I won't tell her, I promise....you're soooo good at finding bad jokes! Of course not all of them are bad, but it's a moot point. I love them anyway!

Lil

Posted by: MacEoghainn 26-Apr-2005, 04:43 PM
Little Johnny is at it again!!



A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.
She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand
up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said,
" Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold
cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself
beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a
tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his
students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the
Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they
understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew
up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know!
He's in our bathroom!!!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited
for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long
seconds. Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew
this.

Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on
the bathroom door, and yells, "Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.
She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"

Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything,
including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten
class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created
out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying
down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?"
Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to
have a wife."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their
local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board,
of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a
picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."

Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?" (out of the mouth of babes.... MacE)

Posted by: Madadh 27-Apr-2005, 03:47 AM
As always MacE you make my morning with these. biggrin.gif biggrin.gif

Posted by: MacEoghainn 28-Apr-2005, 05:54 PM
Here are some serious things to consider!



Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. . but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!"

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you going to be smiling?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

What do you call male ballerinas?

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?

If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

Do you ever wonder why you started reading this thread in the first place?

Posted by: MacEoghainn 28-Apr-2005, 05:58 PM
Thirty Lines to Make You Smile



1. My Wife and I divorced over religious differences..... she thought she

was God and I didn't.



2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.



3. I Work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!



4. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.



5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.



6. Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.



7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.



8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.



9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.



10 . I'm not a complete idiot --some parts are missing.



11. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.



12. Nyquil, the stuffy, sneeze, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning Medicine.



13. God must love stupid people; He made so many.



14. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.



15. Consciousness: the annoying time between naps.



16. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?



17. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!



18. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.



19. Procrastinate Now!



20. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; do you want fries with that?



21. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.



22. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.



23. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!



24. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.



25. He who dies with the most toys is none-the-less dead.



26. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times

the memory.



27. Ham and eggs: a day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a

pig.



28. The trouble with life is there's no background music.



29. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.



30. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.










Posted by: MacEoghainn 29-Apr-2005, 05:57 PM
READ THIS ONE CAREFULLY FROM THE BEGINNING!!!!

Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown.

A few days later, as she was out driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass.

Admiring the cute wooly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?"

The shepherd, always the gentleman, said, "Sure!"

The blonde thought for a moment and, for no discernible reason, said, "352."

This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed, and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock."

The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked the one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others.

When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?"

Posted by: Lil 29-Apr-2005, 10:13 PM
QUOTE
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.
She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"

Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"


I have one thing to say to this one.............


WALLY!!!!!!!!!!!

Lil



Posted by: MacEoghainn 03-May-2005, 04:25 PM
WARNING!!!! THE JOKE BELOW IS VERY-VERY-VERY BAD! IT MAY EVEN TURN YOUR STOMACH. YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!


A young cowboy walked into a seedy cafe in a small town in West Texas.

He sat down at the counter and noticed an older cowboy with his arms folded,
staring blankly at a bowl of chili.

After about 15 minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young
cowboy bravely asked,"If you ain't goin to eat that, do ya mind if I do?"

The older cowboy slowly turned his head toward the young wrangler and in his
best cowboy manner said, "Nah, go ahead."

Eagerly, the young cowboy reached over and slid the bowl over to his place and
started spooning it in with delight.

He got nearly down to the bottom before noticing a rotten dead rat in the chili.
The sight was shocking and he immediately puked up the chili into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly said, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too

Posted by: Monarchs Own 12-May-2005, 12:27 PM
Well I just found something nice!

Ever wonder what a Scot wears under his kilt?
Here are two who can tell you for sure...................... biggrin.gif

Posted by: MacEoghainn 15-May-2005, 04:34 PM
The Stupid Test!

sleepy.gif

OK. Pay close attention.
Here is a very simple little test
comprised of four easy questions
to determine the level of your intellect.

yawn.gif

Your replies must be spontaneous and immediate,
with no deliberating or wasting of time.
And no cheating!



On your mark, get set, go...



1: You are competing in a race

and overtake the runner in second place.



In which position are you now?


whistling.gif


Answer: If you answered that you're now in first,

you're wrong!

You overtook the second runner and took his place,

therefore you are now in second place.





For the next question try not to be so dim.



2: If you overtake the last runner,

what position are you now in?





Answer: If you answered second to last,

you are wrong once again.

Think about it...

How can you overtake the person who is last?

If you're behind them, they can't be last.

You would have been last.

rolleyes.gif

It would appear that thinking

is not one of your strong points.



Anyway, here's another question to try.

Don't take any notes or use a

calculator, and remember,

your replies must be instantaneous.


sleepy.gif


3: Take 1000. Add 40. Add another 1000.

Add 30. 1000 again. Plus 20.

Plus 1000. And plus 10.

What is the total?


sleep1.gif


Answer: 5000?

Wrong again!

The correct answer is 4100.


Try again with a good calculator.



Today is clearly not your day,

although you should manage

to get the last question right...



4: Marie's father has five daughters:

1. Chacha

2. Cheche

3. Chichi

4. Chocho

5. ????

Question: What is the fifth daughter's name?



Think quickly...you'll find the answer below..





Answer: Chuchu?

WRONG!

rolleyes.gif

It's obviously Marie!

Read the question properly.

You are clearly the weakest link.

Posted by: MacEoghainn 20-May-2005, 03:20 PM
If you are Blonde (or Blonde at heart) do not proceed past this point. no.gif

whistling.gif





whistling.gif





whistling.gif





whistling.gif




OK, All the blondes are gone, right? Here we go:



The K9 Patrol

The police department, famous for its superior canine (K-9) unit, was somewhat taken back by a recent incident.

Returning home from work a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burgled. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels and a K9 unit patrolling nearby was the first on the scene.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash the blonde ran out onto the porch, clapped a hand to her head and moaned, 'I come home from work to find all my possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send a blind policeman!' idiot.gif

Name The Capital

A blonde was complaining to her friend about constantly being called a dumb blonde. Her friend tells her "go do something to prove them wrong! Why don't you learn all the state capitals or something?" The blonde thinks this is a great idea, and locks herself up for two weeks studying.

The next party she goes to, some guy is making dumb blonde comments to her. She gets all indignant and claims, "I'm NOT a dumb blonde. In fact, I can name ALL the state capitals!"

The guy doesn't believe her, so she dares him to test her. He says "Okay, what's the Capital of Montana?"

The blonde tosses her hair in triumph and says, "That's easy! It's M!" sleepy.gif

dontgetit.gif

Posted by: Lil 03-Jun-2005, 02:42 PM
blink.gif you are a bad, bad, baaaaaad man, MacE...but I love the jokes!!!!

this is what I felt like after that one joke.......... bangin.gif

Lil

Posted by: MacEoghainn 03-Jun-2005, 03:43 PM
Let's see if Lil continues to give me encouragement after these stinkers (I always try to do what pretty ladys ask me to do! naughty.gif )

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men fart more than women? fart.gif
Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives? rip_1.gif
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy. lol.gif
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

OK, I'm ready, fire away! fear.gif

Posted by: Lil 04-Jun-2005, 12:18 AM
QUOTE (MacEoghainn @ 03-Jun-2005, 05:43 PM)
Let's see if Lil continues to give me encouragement after these stinkers (I always try to do what pretty ladys ask me to do! naughty.gif )


Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

Hmmm...very good, MacE....ya nearly had me cept for the 2 I quoted...Ahem...all I am going to say is that that is NOT true of all women...just ask my hubby......after almost 19 years he still makes me wub.gif dribble.gif every single day! love.gif

as to the 2nd one..... well...maybe I will just shutup.gif heh heh

and yes, keep 'em coming, I love to laugh and you make me do it with every one you tell!!!!

Lil

Posted by: LilysApple 05-Jun-2005, 11:27 PM
Squirrels

There were three country churches in a small Texas town:
Presbyterian, Methodist and Catholic. Each church was
overrun with pesky squirrels. One day, the Presbyterian
church called a meeting to decide what to do about the
squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they
determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there
and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

The Methodist group got together and decided that they were
not in a position to harm any of God's creations. So, they
humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles
outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

It was only the Catholics who were able to come up with the
best and most effective solution: They baptized the
squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now
they see them only on Christmas and Easter.user posted image


Posted by: MacEoghainn 06-Jun-2005, 04:20 PM
QUOTE (LilysApple @ 06-Jun-2005, 01:27 AM)
[center][color=BlueViolet][font=Optima]Squirrels

   There were three country churches in a small Texas town:
   Presbyterian, Methodist and Catholic..............

Not bad LA, as Lil says; "keep 'em coming"!!! biggrin.gif

Posted by: MacEoghainn 06-Jun-2005, 04:24 PM
QUOTE (Lil @ 04-Jun-2005, 02:18 AM)
Hmmm...very good, MacE....ya nearly had me cept for the 2 I quoted...Ahem...all I am going to say is that that is NOT true of all women...just ask my hubby......after almost 19 years he still makes me wub.gif dribble.gif every single day! love.gif

He must be a very lucky man and you a very lucky woman!!!

Posted by: MacEoghainn 10-Jun-2005, 04:25 PM
Ok, all the blondes look away for a moment:

Pillsbury Dough Boy Wanted for Attempted Murder!!!!



Lisa Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws, and while there, went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Lisa's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay and Lisa replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Lisa refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Lisa had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.


FYI: Lisa is blonde.

Posted by: Lil 13-Jun-2005, 08:36 AM
jawdrop.gif you are soooo bad MacE naughty.gif you are the king of bad jokes and I notworthy.gif to your expertise!!!!

oh and wink_kiss.gif thank you, we are both VERY lucky and I hope that it shows that we are!!

Lil

Posted by: MacEoghainn 15-Jun-2005, 04:39 PM
Fish and Cat lovers avert your eyes now!!!

nuke.gif






nuke.gif




nuke.gif





nuke.gif





nuke.gif

Decent Burial! poor fish!

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole in the dirt, when her elderly neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, what are you doing there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbor was very concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

As Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt she replied, "That's because he's inside your cat." lol.gif lol.gif lol.gif

Posted by: MacEoghainn 15-Jun-2005, 04:45 PM
This one made me think of my biggest bad joke fan, Lil, and her hubby!!!


How to handle a husband/boyfriend

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beach
in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long been the
talk of the town. "What a peaceful & loving couple".

The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their
long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America," explained the man.
"We visited the Grand Canyon in Arizona and took a trip down to the
bottom of the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's
horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the
horse and quietly said, "That's once."

We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again, this time
causing her to drop her water.

Once more my wife quietly said, "That's twice".

We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for a third time.

My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse
dead.

I shouted at her, "What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the
poor animal like that? Are you crazy??"

She looked at me, and quietly said, "That's once".

And from that moment... we have lived happily ever after" fear.gif

Posted by: Madadh 16-Jun-2005, 04:28 AM
notworthy.gif notworthy.gif notworthy.gif notworthy.gif notworthy.gif notworthy.gif

Posted by: MacEoghainn 20-Jun-2005, 05:00 PM
A case of mistaken identity! (alternate title: are you my kid's daddy?)

A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when a very attractive woman behind him said, "Hello!" Her face was beaming.

He gave her that "who are you look," and couldn't remember ever having seen her before.

Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized. "Look," she said "I'm really sorry but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children," and walked out of the store.

The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, "What the heck is the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of who fathers her children! "

Then he got a little panicky." I don't remember her," he thought but, MAYBE....during one of the wild parties he had been to when he was in college, perhaps he did father her child!

He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked, "Are you the girl I met at a party in college and then we got really drunk and had wild crazy sex on the pool table in front of everyone?" "No", she said with a horrified look on her face. "I'm your son's second grade teacher!"

Posted by: Lil 22-Jun-2005, 09:16 PM
My contribution.....


A guy went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a teepee, and then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor replied, "It's very simple. You're two tents." tongue.gif
--------------------------------------------------------------------

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping in the desert. After they had set up their tent, they laid down for a restful night. After a few hours, the Lone Ranger wakes his faithful companion. "Tonto, look up in the sky and tell me what you see." Tonto replied, "Me see millions of stars." The Lone Ranger asked, "What does that tell you?" Tonto pondered the question for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident that the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Kemosabi?" The Lone Ranger stared silently at his friend for a moment, then said, "Tonto, you idiot! It means someone has stolen our tent!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

The captain of a pirate ship was sitting in his cabin when the first mate came to him and said, "There is a pirate ship on the horizon!" The captain replied, "Tell the men to prepare the guns and bring me my red shirt!" "Yes sir!" replied the first mate and went to fulfill his orders. The ship came closer and the men began to fight. The captain and his ship won the battle and the men kept all of the gold. A week later, the first mate came to the captain and said, "Captain, there are four ships on the horizon!" The captain replied, "OK, tell the men to prepare the guns and bring me my red shirt!" "Yes sir!" said the first mate and went to fulfill his orders. The other ships came closer and the men began to fight. The captain and his ship won the battle and the men kept all of the gold. After they won the battle, the first mate went to the captain and asked, "Every time we go into battle, you wear your red shirt. Why?" The captain answered, "Well, I wear my red shirt so that if I get shot and start bleeding, the men will keep fighting, not knowing their captain is hurt!" The first mate said, "Wow! That is really smart!" Two weeks later, the first mate once again came to the captain and said, "Captain, there are 20 ships on the horizon!" The captain said, "OK, tell the men to prepare the guns and bring me my brown pants!"


laugh.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif

Heeheeheee....I will find more, I promise!!!!

Lil

Oh and Thank you...but guess what, Mace, He's on one and I'm on 2!!!!!!!!



Posted by: MacEoghainn 29-Jun-2005, 05:20 PM
Lawyer

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation
from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way
volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.



The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research
shows that even though your annual income is over two million
dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to
give something back to your community through the United Way?"



The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research
also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness
and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability
to pay?"



Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh... no, I didn't
know that."



"Secondly," says the lawyer, "my brother, a disabled veteran, is
blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his
wife and six children."



The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology,
but is cut off again.



"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's
husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless
with a mortgage and three children one of whom is disabled
and another has learning disabilities requiring an array of
private tutors?"



The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm
sorry, I had no idea"



And the lawyer says, "So... if I didn't give any money to them,
what in the heck makes you think I'd ever give any to you?"

Posted by: Monarchs Own 02-Jul-2005, 04:21 AM
MacE - love your jokes - keep them coming. I send several to my husband to cheer him up over in Iraq. Hope you don't mind that I post one or two myself?
***********************

It was opening night at the Orpheum. The Amazing Claude topped the bill.

People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of this audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch.."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"Crap!" said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theatre.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Quote of the Day!

Some People are like Slinkies

Not really good for anything but they still bring a smile to your face.....
when pushed down a flight of stairs.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Posted by: MacEoghainn 02-Jul-2005, 08:32 AM
QUOTE (Monarchs Own @ 02-Jul-2005, 06:21 AM)
It took three weeks to clean up the theatre.

lol.gif lol.gif lol.gif

Posted by: MacEoghainn 11-Jul-2005, 12:01 PM
Overheard, a teacher's father on the state of Public Education:

"My son advises me that 7/5ths of all high school graduates do not understand fractions."

Posted by: MacEoghainn 22-Jul-2005, 06:00 PM
There's a Moral in here somewhere!

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his place of business, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on, I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full good and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession."

Moral: DON'T EVER BE LATE!!

Posted by: MacEoghainn 22-Jul-2005, 06:01 PM
A couple of rednecks are out in the Texas woods hunting when Bubba suddenly grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.

Billy Bob whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "I think Bubba is dead! What should I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence.......and then a shot is heard.

Billy Bob's voice comes back on the line, "Okay, now what???"

Posted by: TheCarolinaScotsman 22-Jul-2005, 07:50 PM
A Scotsman goes to the dentist and asks how much it is for an extraction.

"$85.00." replied the dentist.

"Whit? huv yie no goat enythin cheaper?" asked the Scotsman, seemingly quite agitated.

"That's the normal charge for an extraction", said the dentist.

"Whit aboot if yie didnae use eny anaesthetic?" asked the Scotsman hopefully.


"Well it's highly unusual sir, but if that's what you want, I suppose I can do it for $70", said the dentist.

"Hmmmm, whit aboot if yie used one of yer dentist trainees and still weyoot any anaesthetic?" asked the Scotsman.

"Well it's possible but they're only training and I can't guarantee their level of professionalism; and, it'll be a lot more painful. But, I suppose in that case we can bring the price down to say $40" said the dentist.

"That's still a bit much; how aboot if yie make it a training session and have yon student dae the extraction and the ither students watchin and learnin?" asked the Scotsman hopefully.

"Hmmmmm, well OK. It'll be good for the students, I suppose. I'll charge you only $5 in that case" said the dentist.

"Great, it's a deal" said the Scotsman... "Can yie book the wife in for next Tuesday?"


Posted by: Lil 23-Jul-2005, 07:34 AM
Oh, that was baaaaad, Carolina, so very very bad.........ILOVED IT!!!!!!!!!!

Two starving vampire bats were sitting on a roof wishing that they had some blood to drink. The first vampire bat said, "I can't wait anymore! I'm flying out there to find some blood!" With that, the vampire bat took off into the distance. Ten minutes later, the vampire bat returned to the rooftop with his face covered in fresh blood! The second vampire bat asked, "Hey! Where in the world did you get all of that blood?!" The first vampire bat said, "Look out there. Do you see that big tree limb about 50 yards away, and 10 feet off of the ground?!" The second vampire bat squinted, looked and said, "No, I don't see it!" The first vampire bat said, "Funny. Neither did I!"


------------------------------------------

Doctor Frankenstein sent Igor out to find a brain for his new monster. As Igor walked around, he noticed a sidewalk stand that said "Brains For Sale." Igor couldn't believe his good luck! He went over to investigate and saw a sign that said "Doctor Brains - $8.00 a pound." Another sign read "Paramedic Brains - $12.00 a pound", while other signs read "Nurse Brains - $30.00 a pound", "Truck Driver - $40.00 a pound" and finally "Lawyers Brains - $90.00 a pound." More than a little confused, Igor asked the man behind the cashregister, ?How come doctor brains are only worth $8.00 a pound and lawyer brains are worth $90.00 a pound?!? The man replied, ?Do you know how many lawyers it takes to make a pound of brains?!?


ba dum dum!

Lil

Posted by: MacEoghainn 27-Jul-2005, 05:00 PM
Two South Texas farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community college and sign up for some classes."

Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day Jim goes down to the college and meets the dean of admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: math, English, history, and logic.

"Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?"

The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weed eater?"

"Yeah."

"Then logically because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard."

"That's true, I do have a yard."

"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."

"Yes, I do have a house."

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."

"I have a family."

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife."

"Yes, I do have a wife."

"And because you have a wife, then logically you must be a heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater." Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar.

He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for math, English, history, and logic.

"Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?"

Jim says, "I'll show you. Do you have a weed eater?"

"No."

"Then you're gay."

Posted by: CelticCoalition 28-Jul-2005, 10:44 AM
^he he he...reminds me of people I knew in college...heres a few of mine:

The teacher asked the children in her class, what they want to be when they grow up.

"I want to be an actress," Susie says.
"Good girl, Susie."

"I want to be an astronaut," Cliff says.
"Good boy, Cliff."

"And I want to be a sex therapist," Little Johnny yells out.
"Would you please tell the class how you think your job is going to be like?"

"Okay, Miss. Look out of the window. Three women are walking down the street, eating ice cream. One is licking, one is sucking, and one is biting. Would you please tell the class which one is married?"

"Get out of the class, Johnny, and come back with your parents!"

Johnny returns and is asked to explain what he has just said, to which he replies...

"The one that is married, is the one that has a wedding ring and it is people like you, Miss, that I am going to treat."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man goes into the bar on the top floor of a hotel and orders a beer. He notices the only other man at the bar is drinking shot after shot of whiskey. The drunk looks over and says, "Hey, you know thish ish a magic bar?"
The newcomer shakes his head and turns to his beer.
"Come heres, I'll shows ya" and with that the drunk stumbles to an open window and flings himself outside. The newcomer runs over quickly only to be knocked over as the drunk flies back inside the bar.
"See, you jump out the window and woosh, fly right back in."
"Let me see you do that again." So the drunk jumps out the window and the newcomer watches as he falls about halfway down the building before flying right back up into the bar.
"I have to try this," says the newcomer, and flings himself out the window, only to fall to his death.
The drunk man starts giggling and stumbles back to the bar ordering another round.
As the bartender picks up a bottle of Wild Turkey he looks at the drunk and says "Man, your a real asshole when your drunk Superman."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A blonde is sitting at a bar nursing a martini and complaining to the barteneder about the dumb blonde stereotype.
"Blondes are not all dumb. Take me, I have a PhD, and MD, and have been a highly esteemed surgeon for 10 years. I"m so sick of people thinking I'm stupid just becuase of the color of my hair."
At that moment two men walk in talking about a joke about a dumb blonde trying to row a boat in the middle of a field. The blonde jumps up and starts screaming at the men about making fun of blondes.
"No, you don't understand lady, there really is a blonde woman outside in the field nextdoor trying to row a boat."
The blonde runs outside and sure enough, there in the middle of the field is a blonde woman in a boat trying to row to the fence.
The blonde from the bar runs to the fence around the field and yells,
"Lady, it's stupid idiots like you that give blonde women a bad name. Why, if I could swim I'd come out there and kick your ass!"

Posted by: MacEoghainn 08-Aug-2005, 05:09 PM
Some Statistics


If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)




If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)





The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)







A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)







A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death!
(Creepy.)






(I'm still not over the pig.)







Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour
(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)







The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")







The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)







The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)









Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)







Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)







The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm......)







Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)







Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(okay, so that would be a good thing)







A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)







An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)







Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)







Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)







Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)







Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy facts and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle).

Posted by: MacEoghainn 08-Aug-2005, 05:22 PM
Once upon a time there lived a king. king.gif


The king had a beautiful daughter, the PRINCESS.

But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.

No matter what; metal, wood, stone, anything she touched would melt.
Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured."


The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.


The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an
object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.

THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel.
But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted.

The prince went away sadly. sad.gif


The second prince brought diamonds.
He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted.

He too was sent away disappointed.
sad.gif

The third prince approached. He told the princess,
"Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there."

The princess did as she was told, though she turned red. ohmy.gif




She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!!
The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.
And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after. inlove.gif




Question: What was in the prince's pants? unsure.gif
(Scroll down for the answer)







































M&M's of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

What were you thinking?? naughty.gif

Posted by: MacEoghainn 10-Aug-2005, 05:06 PM
Which Fruit are you?

The Amazing Fruit Personality Test

What kind of person are you? This will astound you!

In the middle of a table is a round tray with five kinds of fruit on it. They are:

Apples

Oranges

Bananas

Strawberries

Peaches

Which fruit would you choose? Please think very carefully and and don't rush into it.
(This is great!! I was astounded! Your choice will reveal a lot about you!)


huh.gif






unsure.gif








bored.gif






sleepy.gif









sleep1.gif
Have you chosen yet?

huh.gif






unsure.gif








bored.gif






sleepy.gif









sleep1.gif

Ok you've had long enough!!!


If you chose:


Apples: It means you're a person who loves to eat Apples!

Oranges: It means you're a person who loves to eat Oranges!

Bananas: It means you're a person who loves to eat Bananas!

Strawberries: It means you're a person who loves to eat Strawberries!

Peaches: It means you're a person who loves to eat Peaches!


Amazing!!!!


I hope you have found with this incredible new insight into yourself! May it bring you peace, understanding, tranquility, and all that other profound stuff!

By the way, did I mention you are easy if you believed picking fruit would .....?

Posted by: MacEoghainn 13-Aug-2005, 01:49 PM
Sunday Clothes...


A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon
when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the other direction.

"Hello" said the little boy.

"Hi" replied the little girl.

"Where are you going"? asked the little boy.

"I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home", answered the little girl.

"Me too", replied the little boy. "I'm also on my way home from church".

"Which church do you go to?" asked the little boy.

"I go to the Baptist church back down the road" replied the little girl.......what about you?"

"I go to the Catholic church back at the top of the hill", replied the little boy.

They discover that they are both going the same way so they decided that they'd walk together.

They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially flooded the road so! there was no way that they could get across to the other side without getting wet.

"If I get my new Sunday dress wet my Mom's going to skin me alive" said the little girl.

"My Mom'll tan my hide too if I get my new Sunday suit wet", replied the little boy.

"I tell you what I think I'll do" said the little girl. "I'm gonna pull off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across".

"That's a good idea", replied the little boy. "I'm going to do the same thing with my suit".

So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet.

They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on when the little boy finally remarked........... "you know, I never did realize
before just how much difference there really is between a Baptist and a Catholic".




Jake and Becky


Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber; He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.

"Becky my darling" he whispered.

"Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk.

He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky,"Everything's all right, go to sleep.

"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I . I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"


"I know, sweetheart," whispered Becky, "now let the poison work."

Posted by: Madadh 22-Aug-2005, 11:32 AM
As always MacE, you make the day.

Posted by: MacEoghainn 24-Aug-2005, 07:19 PM
The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas...
Things I've learned from my Boys (honest and not kidding):

1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 lb. boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape.

It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20' room.

5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way....

6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.....

8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.

11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12.) Super glue is forever.

13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15.) VCR's do not eject "PB &J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20.) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make
earthworms dizzy.

22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid. lookaround.gif


Those who pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without boys do it because:
a. For those with no children - this is totally hysterical!
b. For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
c. For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
d. For those who have children nearing this age, this is a
warning.
e. For those who have not yet had children, this is birth
control.

Posted by: Copar a'Beannichte 26-Aug-2005, 09:18 AM
Here's one from me McE,
Hope it will not be offending to anyone, just thought you might like it.

Two girls, good friends, a red haired and a blond are having a stroll in the shopping area , doing a bit of window shopping.
They pass a florist shop and the blond haired lass says: "Hey isn't that your boyfriend in there?"
The red haired one can see him choosing some flowers.
"Oh no", she sighs," He'll expect me to put my legs up in the air again tonight."
The blond haired looks at her friend and askes:" Don't you have a vase then?"
unsure.gif
Greetz, Marc

Posted by: MacEoghainn 28-Aug-2005, 05:15 PM
Top 10 Things Men Know About Women...

10.
9.
8.
7.
6.
5.
4.
3.
2.

And #1 thing men know about women (Scroll Down)





whistling.gif





whistling.gif





whistling.gif






1. They have breasts. naughty.gif

Posted by: MacEoghainn 30-Aug-2005, 04:07 PM
World's Shortest and Best Fairy Tale



Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl



"Will you marry me?"

The girl said, "NO!"



And the guy lived happily ever after and

went fishing, hunting and played golf a lot and

drank beer whenever he wanted.

THE END


Posted by: MacEoghainn 07-Sep-2005, 05:19 PM
THINGS THAT HALLMARK CARDS DON'T SAY



My tire was thumping.

I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire...

I noticed your cat.

Sorry!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Heard your wife left you,

How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it...

She moved in with me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Looking back over the years

that we've been together,

I can't help but wonder...

"What was I thinking?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Congratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your husband.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How could two people as beautiful as you

Have such an ugly baby?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I've always wanted to have

someone to hold,

someone to love.

After having met you ..

I've changed my mind.

-------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------------
I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you.

************************************

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...

That you're not here to ruin it for me.

####################################################
Congratulations on your promotion.

Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.

********************************************************************************
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Happy birthday! You look great for your age.

Almost Lifelike!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When we were together,

you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,

I think it's time you kept your promise.

********************************************

We have been friends for a very long time ..

let's say we stop?

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I'm so miserable without you

it's almost like you're here.

=====================================================
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was?

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Your friends and I wanted to do

something special for your birthday.

So we're having you put to sleep.

))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
So your daughter's a hooker,

and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side,

it's really good pay.

Posted by: MacEoghainn 01-Oct-2005, 09:00 AM
Why Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the answer:

In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand; a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr.Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher".

"Yes, I know you."

The Lawyer was stunned not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state.
Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of them was your wife".

"Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said; "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry butts in jail for contempt."

Posted by: MacEoghainn 30-Oct-2005, 02:54 PM
Parrots

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.

"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.
My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he
ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence.

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed,
"Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered."

Posted by: MacEoghainn 15-Nov-2005, 06:13 PM
A Magic Tale (ok, I admit it, it's another parrot joke!)

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

One problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show:

"Look, it's not the same hat!"

"Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table."

"Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.

Then the ship sank.

The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.

Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back:

"OK, I give up. Where's the censored.gif censored.gif censored.gif ship?

Posted by: Madadh 16-Nov-2005, 05:42 AM
As always MacE, I notworthy.gif notworthy.gif notworthy.gif to greatness.

Posted by: MacEoghainn 20-Nov-2005, 07:56 AM
Exact Change



A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The
waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a
coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says
the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That
will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out
the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A
hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the
waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato,
and salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress
brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls
the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir.
How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your
pocket every time?"

! "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two
wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would
just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be
there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for
as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"



The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall

chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say." sad.gif

Posted by: Lil 27-Nov-2005, 12:29 AM
I'm making up for lost time with these, lol.

Lil

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)

oh, and I am glad to say, that the above does NOT represent me! smile.gif





1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says,
"I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

Ų ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.........
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:
"Does this taste funny to you?"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
7. A man goes to the doctor and says,
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'."
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, 'It's Not Unusual'."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

Ų ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
16. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of his office and asked them to disperse.
"But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
17. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal."
The other goes to a family in Spain - they name him "Juan".
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
---------------------------------------------------------------------- -----
18. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him....
(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)......
A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
---------------------------------------------------------------------- -----
19. And finally, there was the person who sent nineteen different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did. [QUOTE]

Posted by: MacEoghainn 27-Nov-2005, 04:33 PM
If the lovely Lil keeps posting zingers like those, we may have to rename this thread "More Bad Jokes From Lil"! biggrin.gif

In order to regain the upper hand here are some from yours truly:

CIA test

In order for the CIA to comply with federal standards for male to female ratios among its agents the "Company" had a ladies only job fair. Three of the applicants made it all the way to the final test.

The first gal walks into the director?s office and sits down. The director reaches in his desk and pulls out a pistol and lays it on his desk in front of the gal and tells her, "This test is to test your loyalty. Take this gun and go up the stairs and go into the first room on your right. Your husband will be in there. Put a bullet in his head." The gal looks at him and says,?I love my Husband, I could never do that" So the director says, "You fail."

The next gal comes in. The director tells her the same thing. She picks up the gun and heads for the room. She comes back about 15 minutes later. Tells the director that she just couldn`t go through with it. The director says, "you fail."

Now the third gal comes in, same scene. She heads up to the room. The director hears three shots, followed by a whole lot of ruckus (glass breaking, furniture getting smashed). The gal comes back into his office battered and bruised with her clothes torn. The director says, "What happened to you?" the gal replies, "After three shots I realized that there were blanks in the gun so I had to beat him to death."

10 Signs You Might Be Trailer Trash

Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

Somebody hollers "Hoe Down" and your girlfriend hits the floor.

If a tornado hits your home and causes $10,000 dollars worth of improvement.

Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey y'all watch this."

You think Dom Perigon is a Mafia boss.

You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.


Reportedly seen on students report cards

The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

The student has a "full six-pack" but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.


Comebacks for stupid questions/comments

So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.

Pardon me, but you've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a darn.

I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?

If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive.

I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!

Have you considered suing your brains for non-support?

If you had another brain cell, it would be lonely.


How to Insult Men (for the ladies, I?d post one for insulting women but I don?t want to die)

If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

There is no vaccine against stupidity.

I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!

I'd like to leave you with one thought, but I'm not sure you have anywhere to put it!

I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV.

He's not stupid; he's possessed by a retarded ghost.

He is the kind of a man that you could use as a blueprint to build an idiot.

You've got an IQ of 2. It?s a pity it takes 3 to grunt


Lawyer Q&A

Q: If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Attila the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer twice.

Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
A: To practice.

Q: Why is going to a meeting of the Bar Association like going into a bait shop?
A: Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and nightcrawlers

Q: Why are there so many lawyers in the U.S.?
A: Because St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland.

Q: What?s the difference between lawyers and a herd of buffalo?
A: Lawyers charges more.


More stupid questions asked by Lawyers
.
Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?

Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q: Did he kill you?

Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Were you alone or by yourself?

Q: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?

Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Now then, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?A: I'll be three months on March 12th.
Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was around January 12th?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?

Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

So, you were gone until you returned?

You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.

A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."

Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined that body of Mr. Huntington at St. Mary's Hospital?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 5:30 P.M.
Q: And Mr. Huntington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you idiot, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was performing an autopsy on him!

Posted by: MacEoghainn 06-Dec-2005, 12:19 PM
An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness.

The doctor sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can't be cured. You'd best put your affairs in order."

O'Malley was shocked.... but being a solid character, he managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room, where his son was waiting.

"Well, Son," O'Malley said, "We Irish celebrate when Things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go well. In this case, Things aren't so well.... I have cancer. Let's head to the pub and have a few pints."

After 3 or 4 pints the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and some more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's friends who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

O'Malley told them they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I have been diagnosed with AIDS."

The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple of more beers.

After the friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered his confusion.
"Dad, I thought you told me that you were dying of cancer....but you just told your friends that you were dying of AIDS!"

O'Malley said, "I don't want any of them sleeping with your Mother after I am gone."

Posted by: MacEoghainn 07-Dec-2005, 05:41 PM
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her,"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.

Posted by: MacEoghainn 13-Dec-2005, 06:40 PM
"A Christmas Carol for any Psychosis"

Schizophrenia -
Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Personality -
We Three Queens Disoriented Are

Dementia -
I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas

Narcissistic -
Hark The Herald Angels Sing
(About Me)

Mania -
Deck the Halls and Walls
and House and Lawn and Streets
and Stores and Office and Town ...

Paranoia -
Santa Claus is Coming To Town
(To Get Me)

Personality Disorder -
You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry,
I'm Gonna Pout,
then MAYBE I'll tell you why

Depression -
Silent anhedonia, Holy anhedonia.
All is calm, All is pretty lonely.

Obsessive Compulsive -
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell...

Borderline Personality -
Thoughts of Roasting
in an Open Fire

Passive Aggressive -
On the First Day of Christmas
My True Love Gave to Me
(and then took it all away)


NO MATTER HOW
YOU SING IT...

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Posted by: Lil 13-Jan-2006, 10:13 PM
hehheee...jus' hadda get some in, Mace...TY for the previous ones, they were great! I hope there are no repeats (but I think there's at least one, the fish joke) in these I'm posting now...bad jokes and one liners...I LOVE 'EM!!!!!!!!!


1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path.

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick.

8.. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

9.. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko.

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers ..

17. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.


20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack! Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack!



Posted by: Arien 19-Jan-2006, 11:27 PM
Here are some of my favorites.
(I will apologize now to any paraplegics reading this.)


What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in the water?

Bob


What do you call a guy with no arms or legs water skiing?

Skip


What do you call a guy with no arms or legs on your porch?

Matt


What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in a hole?

Phil


What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in a pile of leaves?

Rustle


What do you call a guy with no arms or legs on your wall?

Art


What do you call his arms and legs on your wall?

Pieces of Art


What do you call two guys with no arms or legs above your window?

Kurt and Rod


What do you call a girl with one arm and one leg?

Ilene



Posted by: MacEoghainn 29-Jan-2006, 08:59 AM
Warning!!!! Blonde Joke Follows

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

Posted by: TheCarolinaScotsman 08-Feb-2006, 05:45 PM
Doctor Bob had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all week long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he simply couldn't. The feelings of guilt and betrayal were overwhelming.

Every once in a while though, he'd hear that soothing voice within himself, trying to offer reassurance: "Bob, don't worry about it. You're not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."

But invariably, the other voice would bring him back to reality: "Bob, you're a vet".

Posted by: Emmet 09-Feb-2006, 06:14 AM
President Bush visits a primary school classroom. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks President Bush if he would like to lead the discussion of the word 'tragedy.' So the president asks the class for an example of a tragedy.

One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him,that would be a 'tragedy'."

"No," says President Bush, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains President Bush. "That's what we would call a 'great loss'."

The room goes silent. No other children volunteered. Bush searches the room.
"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice, he says: "If Air Force One carrying you, Mr. President, were struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a 'tragedy'."

"Fantastic!" exclaims President Bush. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a 'tragedy'?"

"Well," says the boy, "because it certainly wouldn't be a 'great loss', and it probably wouldn't be an 'accident' either."

Posted by: MacEoghainn 09-Feb-2006, 01:06 PM
I heard that one a while back with the Rev. Jesse Jackson as the guest speaker.

This is only my opinion, but I would suggest the previous joke really belongs in the Politics Live forum. I know I try to keep my jests at the expense of individuals and groups limited mainly to blondes.

Posted by: stevenpd 09-Feb-2006, 02:07 PM
QUOTE (MacEoghainn @ 09-Feb-2006, 11:06 AM)
I heard that one a while back with the Rev. Jesse Jackson as the guest speaker.

This is only my opinion, but I would suggest the previous joke really belongs in the Politics Live forum. I know I try to keep my jests at the expense of individuals and groups limited mainly to blondes.


Hey, I resemble that remark! What hair I do have left used to resemble blonde and in my younger days was truly blonde, bleached even whiter by the sun.

But I concur with your comments about Emmets joke. Unfortunately, humor, in any form, can be posting in the Jester's Court. There is no accounting for bad form. Interjecting a politically charged piece of humor, especially in this thread, is bad form.

QUOTE
I detest what you write, but I would give my life to make it possible for you to continue to write.
- Voltaire [Franēois Marie Arouet] (1694–1778) in a 6 February 1770 letter to M. le Riche

Posted by: MacEoghainn 09-Feb-2006, 02:41 PM
QUOTE (stevenpd @ 09-Feb-2006, 03:07 PM)
Hey, I resemble that remark!  What hair I do have left used to resemble blonde and in my younger days was truly blonde, bleached even whiter by the sun.

So Steve, not only do you admit to being a blonde unsure.gif , you also claim to be a member of BAD (Bald American Dudes)!! laugh.gif

Posted by: stevenpd 09-Feb-2006, 05:59 PM
That's right, I'm bad. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, I'm bad.

Posted by: James Milne 16-Feb-2006, 09:51 PM
MacE,

I resemble that remark.

The retired to Florida guy.

Jim Milne laugh.gif

Posted by: Dogshirt 16-Feb-2006, 11:47 PM
Ah! Anoother Gordon! Greetin's tae ye. MacE, d'ye ken why we PARK in the driveway an' Drive on the parkway? I think this on gaes back tae yer English lesson! wacko.gif


beer_mug.gif

Posted by: MacEoghainn 21-Feb-2006, 06:34 PM
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started. "Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger.

"Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.

"He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ..." He sighed................

"Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box."

Posted by: stevenpd 21-Feb-2006, 06:57 PM
I've just manage to gain my composure after that last one, just enough to say:

That's hilarious!

I havn't had a good belly laugh in a while. My sides are still hurting.

Posted by: Dogshirt 21-Feb-2006, 07:50 PM
I LOOOOVE IT! thumbs_up.gif


beer_mug.gif

Posted by: MacEoghainn 21-Feb-2006, 09:30 PM
How to get rid of a Telemarketer

The phone rang as I was sitting down to my evening meal, and as I answered it I was greeted with "Is this Karl Brummer". Not sounding anything like my name, I asked who is calling. The telemarketer said he was with The Rubber Band Powered Freezer Company or something like that. Then I asked him if he knew Karl personally and why was he calling this number. I then said off to the side, "get some pictures of the body at various angles and the blood smears", I then turned back to the phone and advised the caller that he had called a phone located at a murder scene and that he must stay on the line because we would trace this call and he would be receiving a visit from law enforcement. I questioned the caller at great length as to his name, address, phone number at home, at work, who he worked for, how he knew the deceased, and could he prove where he had been at least one hour before he made this call. The telemarketer was getting very concerned and his answers were given in a shaky voice. I then told him we had located his position and the police were on the way to the building to take him into custody, at that point I heard the phone fall and the scurrying of him running away.

My wife asked me as I returned to our table why I had tears streaming down my face and so help me, I couldn't tell her for about fifteen minutes. My meal was cold, but it was the best meal in a long, long time.

Posted by: Rindy 22-Feb-2006, 01:52 PM
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

(you're gonna love this)

(its a real treat)

(a masterpiece)

(wait for it)


The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)

Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!!

Slainte smile.gif



Posted by: Dogshirt 22-Feb-2006, 08:10 PM
Yes I'm singing it, and NOW I can't get it out of my head! You owe me a beer for that one! disgust.gif


beer_mug.gif

Posted by: MacEoghainn 10-Mar-2006, 05:43 PM
Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.

After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland "

The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"

The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?"

The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin , I am."

The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin ?"

The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."

The first guy says, "Faith & begora it's a small world, so did I! So did I!! And to what school would you have been going?"

The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."

The first guy gets really excited and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"

The other guy answers, "Well, now, let's see, I graduated in 1964."

The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."

About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight!"

Vicky asks, "Why do you say that, Brian?"

"The Murphy twins are drunk again

Posted by: Lil 18-Mar-2006, 02:31 PM
A duck waddles into a bar and hops on a stool. The bartender snarls, "What'll you have?"

The duck says, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender spits and says "We don't have grapes here, we serve drinks, now get out!"

The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.

The next day, the same duck waddles into the same bar, hops on a stool, looks the bartender in the eye and asks, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender, irritated, says, "I told you yesterday we don't serve grapes here, we serve drinks, now GET OUT!"

The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.

The next day, the same duck waddles into the same bar and hops on a stool, looks at the bartender, and asks, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender, infuriated, pounds his fist on the bar and yells at the duck, "I told you two times we don't serve grapes here, we serve drinks! If you ask me that ONE MORE TIME I'm going to nail your beak to the bar! NOW GET OUT!"

With that, the duck shrugged, hopped off the stool and waddled out.

The next day, the same duck waddled into the same bar, hopped on a stool, looked the bartender in the eye and asked, "Got any nails?"

The bartender, puzzled, said no.

The duck then looked him square in the eye and said, "Got any grapes?"

Lil

Posted by: MacEoghainn 30-Mar-2006, 05:46 PM
got any grapes? lol.gif lol.gif lol.gif I love that one...... Oh well, I digress, here's one for all you blonds:

Bubba and Junior.

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A blond lady walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement
and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blond? We ask for the height, and she gives us the length.

Posted by: crazykiltedcelt 31-Mar-2006, 09:54 AM
here's one I just got

A bear, a lion and a chicken meet.


The bear says:" If I roar in the forests of North America, the entire forest is shivering with fear."

The lion says: "And if I roar on the great plains of Africa, the entire savannah is afraid of me."

The chicken says:" Big Deal. I only cough and the entire planet shits itself."


Please excuse the strong langue but it would't sound the same without it. sorry. sad.gif

Posted by: MacEoghainn 22-Apr-2006, 04:48 PM
Ways to Turn Down Men

Man: Haven't I seen you some place before?
Woman: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: Can I buy you a drink?
Woman: Actually I'd rather have the money.

Man: How did you get to be so beautiful?
Woman: I must have been given your share.

Man: Your face must turn a few heads.
Woman: And your face must turn a few stomachs.

Man: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
Woman: Okay, get out.

Man: I think I could make you very happy.
Woman: Why? Are you leaving?

Man: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
Woman: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

Man: Can I have your name?
Woman: Why? Don't you already have one?

Man: Shall we go see a movie?
Woman: I've already seen one.

Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Hiding from you.

And my personal favorite:

Man: I love you.
Woman: I'm flattered, can't we just be friends (or words to that effect).

Posted by: MacEoghainn 22-Apr-2006, 04:59 PM
Really "Old" wheelchair.gif Stories!


FAMILY

Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to theother sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful," as she knocked on her wooden table for good measure. "She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
_______________________________________________

I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"

No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."

And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
___________________________________________

WHAT A CHOICE

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say, "Supersex."

She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
____________________________________________

OLD FRIENDS

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
_____________________________________________

SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate77. Please be careful!"

"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
_____________________________________________

DRIVING

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next
intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, do you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Am I driving?"
______________________________________________________

THEFT

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.

The dispatcher says, "Stay calm, Maam, an officer is on the way."

A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard.", He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."

Posted by: stevenpd 25-Apr-2006, 02:45 PM
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's
Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't
taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from
the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did anything wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees
is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And,
next to them, a single red rose!

Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and
pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,
spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins,
cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the
bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the
mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his
wife in lipstick! "Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to
go get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you,
darling!
Jillian".

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,
steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the
table eating. Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home around 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell
over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway,
and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order
and so clean. I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she
tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm
married!"

Broken Coffee Table $89.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $0.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time.............PRICELESS!

Posted by: MacEoghainn 01-May-2006, 05:31 PM
More Really Old Stories wheelchair.gif (well, I don't think I've posted these before unsure.gif )

A little old lady is sitting on a park bench in Miami Beach. A man walks over and sits down on the other end of the bench. After a few moments, the woman asks, “Are you a stranger here?”

He replies, “I used to live here years ago.”

“So, where were you all these years?”

“In prison,” he says.

“For what did they put you in prison?”

He looks at her, and very quietly says, “I killed my wife.”

“Oh,” says the woman. “So you’re single...”

******************************************************************

Four old men were out golfing. "These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained.

"These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one of the others.

"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too," said the third senior.

After hearing enough from his buddies, the oldest and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said, "Just be thankful we're still on the right side of the grass!"

******************************************************************

There were two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years.

One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"

After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered. "Yes. Yes, I will."

The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.

As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"

He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."

Posted by: MacEoghainn 17-May-2006, 04:30 PM
The Female Brain Cell (a fairy tale for the ladies)

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which by mistake happened to end up in a man's head.

She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet.

"Hello?" she cried, but heard no answer.

"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice," HELLO!!! IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"

Then she heard a very faint voice from far, far away: "We're down here..." biggrin.gif

Posted by: MacEoghainn 21-May-2006, 09:43 AM
How to clean your toilet the fun way!

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.


Sincerely,
The Dog


Posted by: MacEoghainn 21-May-2006, 04:21 PM
The Husband Store!


A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE !

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch . . .. you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband . .

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

Posted by: MacEoghainn 21-May-2006, 05:01 PM
From Joke a Day Ministries:

Top 10 Signs You Are Broke

10. American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"

9. You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.

8. Long distance companies don't call you to switch.

7. You rob Peter...and then rob Paul.

6. You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.

5. You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.

4. Your bologna has no first name.

3. Sally Struthers sends you food.

2. McDonalds supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.

1. At communion you go back for seconds.


From the Gospel Radio Group

Posted by: Lil 22-May-2006, 05:07 AM
QUOTE (stevenpd @ 25-Apr-2006, 03:45 PM)
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's
Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't
taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from
the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did anything wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees
is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And,
next to them, a single red rose!

Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and
pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,
spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins,
cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the
bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the
mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his
wife in lipstick! "Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to
go get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you,
darling!
Jillian".

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,
steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the
table eating. Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home around 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell
over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway,
and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order
and so clean. I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she
tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm
married!"

Broken Coffee Table $89.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $0.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time.............PRICELESS!

Perfect, I love it!!

Lil

Posted by: MacEoghainn 24-May-2006, 05:53 AM
http://resinrealm.net/indexpics/bubblewrap.swf

Posted by: MacEoghainn 24-May-2006, 08:17 AM
http://www.planarity.net/#

Posted by: Celtic cat 26-May-2006, 05:38 PM
Love the bubble wrap...must have more. Hheheh

Posted by: MacEoghainn 26-May-2006, 06:58 PM
All you Blondes out there should not read the following:

Two Chimps and a Blonde



A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"



"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"



"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I' ll give you $100 for your trouble."



"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.



Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.



With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."



"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde," but we had money left over---so now we're going to Sea World.

Posted by: MacEoghainn 26-May-2006, 07:01 PM
Subject: Living Will

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room, and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent upon some machine, and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug".

She got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out my beer.

The moral of this story: Be careful what you ask for......

Posted by: stevenpd 27-May-2006, 11:53 AM
QUOTE (MacEoghainn @ 26-May-2006, 05:58 PM)
All you Blondes out there should not read the following:

Two Chimps and a Blonde



A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"



"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"



"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I' ll give you $100 for your trouble."



"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.



Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.



With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."



"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde," but we had money left over---so now we're going to Sea World.

Hey, I resemble that remark!

I live about two hours away from San Diego.

Posted by: stevenpd 01-Jun-2006, 11:03 AM
Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on
the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of
hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set
up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge
who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.

They faxed.

They e-mailed.

They e-mailed with attachments.

They downloaded.

They did spreadsheets!

They wrote reports.

They created labels and cards.

They created charts and graphs.

They did some genealogy reports.

They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly
flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curseword known in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed.

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted
their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:

"It's gone! It's all GONE! "I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from
the past two hours of work.

Satan observed this and became irate.

"Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?"

God just shrugged and said,

JESUS SAVES

Posted by: ShadowDarkFyre 01-Jun-2006, 02:04 PM
tongue.gif biggrin.gif laugh.gif rolleyes.gif smile.gif angel_not.gif thumbs_up.gif beer_mug.gif wink.gif cool.gif

Posted by: TheCarolinaScotsman 03-Jun-2006, 03:32 AM
Osama Bin Laden dies and goes to... where he's going. The next day he's speaking to "the man in charge" and says, "I understand it was a typo, but are you sure that Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson are both Virginians?"

Posted by: TheCarolinaScotsman 08-Jun-2006, 05:24 PM
Did you hear about the man whose wife ran off with a tractor salesman? He came home and found a John Deere letter on the kitchen table.

Posted by: MacEoghainn 10-Jun-2006, 06:23 PM
We ' re Off to See the Wizard!

Four United States Presidents get caught up in a tornado ....and off they whirled to the land of OZ.


They finally made it to the Emerald City and went to find the Great Wizard.

" What brings the four of you before the great Wizard of Oz?"

Jimmy Carter cry.gif stepped forward timidly and said: "I've come for some courage."

" No Problem! said the Wizard. Who ' s next?"

Richard Nixon notworthy.gif stepped forward, "Well, I think I need a heart."

"Done! says the Wizard. Who comes next before the Great and Powerful Oz?"

Up stepped Dubya dontgetit.gif and said, "I'm told by the American people that I need a brain."

"No problem! said the Wizard. Consider it done."

Then there is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but he doesnt say a word.


whistling.gif




bored.gif




yawn.gif




sleepy.gif



sleep1.gif






Irritated, the Wizard finally asks,

"Well, what do you want?"

"IS DOROTHY HERE?" naughty.gif

Posted by: ontrose1969 11-Jun-2006, 07:36 AM
Okay... I figured it was time to add my contribution to the blonde jokes cause... laugh.gif

Blonde paint job
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."


Posted by: ontrose1969 11-Jun-2006, 07:40 AM
'nother blonde joke fer ye. clown2.gif

A Blonde Goes On Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend.

The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"

Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!"

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?

Is it........

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush

Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars."

"I think I know who it..but I'm not 100%...

No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.

Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?

Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham."

(ringing)

Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..."

Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million.

The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question.

There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara."

Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it:

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush"

Maggie: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo."

Barbara: "You think?"

Maggie: "I'm sure."

Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up)

Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?"

Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo"

Regis: "Is that your final answer?"

Barbara: "It is."

Regis: "Are you confident?"

Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet."

Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS.

Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."

(clapping)

That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?

Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."

clown2.gif clown2.gif clown2.gif

Posted by: ontrose1969 11-Jun-2006, 07:42 AM
I don't know how you feel about laywers... but this one rings true for every lawyer I know! dribble.gif

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"


Posted by: ontrose1969 11-Jun-2006, 07:44 AM
My wife said I had to post this one in retaliation for the blonde jokes... biggrin.gif

Advantages Of Being A Woman
Why it's better to be a Woman!

1. We got off the Titanic first.

2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.

4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.

6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.

7. Taxis stop for us.

8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).

11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.

12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.

13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.

14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.

15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.

16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.

18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.

19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.

21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.

22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.

23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.

25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.

26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

27. We'll never regret piercing our ears.

28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.

30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.


Posted by: ontrose1969 11-Jun-2006, 07:49 AM
Yet 'nother blonde joke or two... cool.gif


Only three doors
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Blonde Shoots Herself
A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.

Well, I was trying to commit suicide, the blonde replied.

"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?"

"No, Silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."

"And then?" asked the doctor.

"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."

"And then?"

"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Pedestrians And Catholics
The traffic light wasn't working on the corner of Broadway and 72nd Street, so the blonde stood with a large crowd of people waiting to cross, while a cop directed traffic.

Finally, the cop blew his whistle, motioned to the crowd, and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians!" The throng surged across Broadway -- all except the blonde, who stayed on the corner.

When the walkers were safely on the other side of the street, the cop moved the cross-traffic through the intersection. Half a minute later, he stopped the cars on Broadway and sent the 72nd Street traffic into motion.

Again, he got around to the blonde's corner, where by this time she had again been joined by a crowd of people.

Tweeeeeeeet! "Okay, pedestrians!"

The crowd crossed the street, but again the blonde stayed put. She looked at her watch and tapped her foot but never budged from the sidewalk.

Finally, after the cop yelled "Okay, pedestrians!" for the third time, the blonde shouted across traffic, "Yo! Officer! Isn't it about time you let the Catholics cross?"


Okay... that's it for the moment! wink.gif

Posted by: Annabelle 11-Jun-2006, 07:41 PM
More bad jokes?, can someone say "get the gun and shoot em"

Posted by: maisky 15-Jun-2006, 04:14 AM
Now annabelle, put the gun down and back slowwwwly away from it. biggrin.gif

Hmmmm.......After reading a few of his jokes, I've changed my mind.....Pick up the gun and go for it! rolleyes.gif

Posted by: MacEoghainn 15-Jun-2006, 04:37 PM
QUOTE (maisky @ 15-Jun-2006, 06:14 AM)
Hmmmm.......After reading a few of his jokes, I've changed my mind.....Pick up the gun and go for it! rolleyes.gif

There was a sign on the door warning you of the contents of this space. If you didn't pay attention it's your own fault. tongue.gif


PS: Bad jokes have to have a home too!

Posted by: TheCarolinaScotsman 22-Jun-2006, 09:00 AM
She told me we couldn't afford beer at $25.00 a case anymore and I'd have
to quit drinking. Then I caught her spending $65.00 on make-up, and I
asked her how come I had to give up stuff and she didn't. She said she
needed the make-up to look pretty for me.

I told her that's what the beer was for.

I don't think she's coming back.....

Posted by: ShadowDarkFyre 22-Jun-2006, 09:23 AM
QUOTE (maisky @ 15-Jun-2006, 11:14 AM)
Now annabelle, put the gun down and back slowwwwly away from it. biggrin.gif

Hmmmm.......After reading a few of his jokes, I've changed my mind.....Pick up the gun and go for it! rolleyes.gif

Can't we all just get along...

laugh.gif cool.gif

Posted by: ShadowDarkFyre 22-Jun-2006, 09:25 AM
QUOTE (TheCarolinaScotsman @ 22-Jun-2006, 04:00 PM)
She told me we couldn't afford beer at $25.00 a case anymore and I'd have
to quit drinking. Then I caught her spending $65.00 on make-up, and I
asked her how come I had to give up stuff and she didn't. She said she
needed the make-up to look pretty for me.

I told her that's what the beer was for.

I don't think she's coming back.....

Not coming back... You're lucky she's not coming back... with the gun the guys above were talking about using...

tongue.gif biggrin.gif laugh.gif cool.gif

Posted by: MacEoghainn 27-Jun-2006, 05:29 PM
A friend sent this to me.

ULTIMATE FEMALE JOKE
It has long been contended that there are male jokes and there are female jokes.
And there are unisex jokes.

Here is a joke I consider a true female joke. I offer it to you in the hopes that women will love it and men will pass it along to a woman who will love it.

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As all men will.)

Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00 with one condition."

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.

The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address.

She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said....









"Clean my house." unsure.gif

Ok I give up. The ladies will have to explain this one to me. I thought it was so sad that I almost started to cry.gif

Posted by: MDF3530 03-Jul-2006, 12:26 AM
Here's a good one I got from Beliefnet:

Guess Which One I'm Going to Marry

A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."

The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."She immediately replies, "The one on the right."

"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"

The Jewish mother replies, "I don't like her."

Posted by: MacEoghainn 07-Jul-2006, 05:25 PM
Politics Live or Jester's Court? Hmmmmm unsure.gif

Oh well, the Jester's Court lost the coin toss so here it goes: tongue.gif biggrin.gif

AMERICANS WITH NO ABILITIES ACT (or there is hope for some of you after all)

WASHINGTON, DC - Congress is considering sweeping legislation, which provides new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA) is being hailed as a major piece of legislation by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.

"Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said Senator Barbara Boxer of California. "We can no longer stand by and allow People of inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they do a better job, or have some idea of what they are doing."

President Bush pointed to the success of the US Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 74 percent of postal employees lack job skills, making this agency the single largest US employer of Persons of Inability.

Private sector industries with good records of nondiscrimination against the Inept include retail sales (72%), the airline industry (68%),and home improvement "warehouse" stores (65%) The DMV also has a great record of hiring Persons of Inability. (63%)

Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million "middle man" positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.

Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given, to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations which maintain a significant level of Persons of Inability in middle positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.

Finally, the AWNA Act contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the Nonabled, banning discriminatory interview questions such as "Do you have any goals for the future?" or "Do you have any skills or experience which relate to this job?"

"As a Nonabled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, MI due to her lack of notable job skills. "This new law should really help people like me."

With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Said Senator John McCain of Arizona, "It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her adequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation."

Posted by: restless 18-Jul-2006, 04:37 AM
1. Jock was out working the field when a barnstormer landed.
"I'll give you an airplane ride for £5," said the pilot.
"Sorry, cannae afford it," replied Jock.
"Tell you what," said the pilot, "I'll give you and your wife a free ride if you promise not to yell. Otherwise it'll be £10."
So up they went and the pilot rolled, looped, stalled and did all he could to scare Jock. Nothing worked and the defeated pilot finally landed the plane. Turning around to the rear seat he said, "Gotta hand it to you. For country folk you sure are brave!"
"Aye," said Jock "But ye nearly had me there when the wife fell oot!"

2.A Scotsmen and a Jewish man were having a magnificent meal at one of the finest restaurants in New York .At the end of the evening the waiter came over to present the check and a Scottish voice said "that's all right laddie just gae the check to me". The headlines in the local newspaper next day proclaimed "Jewish ventriloquist found beaten to death".

tongue.gif

Posted by: MacEoghainn 20-Jul-2006, 05:03 PM
Solve this riddle (if you can!)

You are in a car traveling at a constant speed. On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine fireman2.gif traveling at the same speed as you. unsure.gif

In front of you is a giant galloping pig huh.gif which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig the helicopter are traveling at the same speed as you and the fire engine.

What must you do to extract yourself from this dangerous situation? fear.gif

Scroll down for the answer......







whistling.gif










whistling.gif







Give up yet? sad.gif I'll give you some more time.





whistling.gif










whistling.gif











whistling.gif










Ok, Time's up!




Get off the childrens Merry-Go-Round- You're drunk!!!
goof.gif partytime.gif

Posted by: stevenpd 25-Jul-2006, 03:56 PM
Why you should never take a man with you when shopping at Wal-Mart!

Dear Mrs. Sutherland,

Over the past six months, your husband, Sut, has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and have considered banning the entire family from shopping in any of our stores.

We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment.

Three of our clerks are attending counseling from the trouble your husband has caused. All complaints against Mr. Sutherland have been compiled and are listed below.

Mr. Wally, President and CEO
Wal-Mart Complaint Department

=================================================

MEMO

Re: Mr.Sutherland--Complaints--15 Things Mr. Sutherland has done while his wife Judi is shopping:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares... And watched what happened.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION--WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7 September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through,yelled, "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams, "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

(And; last, but not least!)

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

Posted by: TheCarolinaScotsman 26-Jul-2006, 05:31 AM
Erchie, a lifelong Rangers supporter, had great Centre Stand tickets for the Celtic v Rangers Scottish Cup Final.

As he was sitting down, a fellow Rangers supporter came over and asked if anyone was sitting in the seat next to him. "Naw," Erchie said,"the seat is empty."

"That's incredible!"said the man. "Who in their right mind would huv a seat like that furra Scottish Cup Final and no use it? Especially as Rangers are aboot tae gie thae Tims a right guid hammering."

"Well,actually,the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away." said Erchie. "This is the first Scottish Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married."

"Och......I'm really sorry tae hear that.That's terrible so'tis. but could ye no find someone else - a pal, a relative, or even a neighbour tae take the seat?"

Erchie shook his head.

"Naw, they're all at the funeral."

Posted by: MacEoghainn 26-Jul-2006, 04:44 PM
Questions Dear Abby couldn't answer...Sometimes the American brain can astound and stump even Dear Abby...

*******************************************************************

Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a
middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid
twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen
a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be
Lebanese?

*******************************************************************

Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my
VCR?

*******************************************************************

Dear Abby,
I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the
baby I'm carrying is his.

*******************************************************************
Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill
for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boy friend
should share half the cost but don't know him well enough to discuss
money with him.

*******************************************************************

Dear Abby,
I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when
confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would
never happen again.

*******************************************************************
Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised
in a good Christian home turn against his own?

*******************************************************************

Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out? (If anyone has the answer to this one I'd like to hear it! MacE unsure.gif )

*******************************************************************
Dear Abby,
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour
every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

*******************************************************************
Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank
until one night he came home sober.

*******************************************************************
Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going through
mental pause.

*******************************************************************
Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to
send him to a doctor.

Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor.

Now what do I do?
*******************************************************************

Posted by: crazykiltedcelt 28-Jul-2006, 01:51 PM
got this one from Marti64 on an e-mail thought i'd share it:

A POLITE WAY TO PEE!!

During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michzel said, "Just a minute I have to go pee"

The teacher respondedby saying, "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Peter, how would you say it?"

Peter said "I sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you little Jimmy,can use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"

I would say:"Darling,may I please be excused for a moment?I have to shake hands with a very old friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."

Posted by: crazykiltedcelt 28-Jul-2006, 01:53 PM
QUOTE (crazykiltedcelt @ 28-Jul-2006, 01:51 PM)
got this one from Marti64 on an e-mail thought  i'd share it:

A POLITE WAY TO PEE!!

During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having  dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michzel said, "Just a minute I have to go pee"

The teacher respondedby saying, "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Peter, how would you say it?"

Peter said "I sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you little Jimmy,can use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"

I would say:"Darling,may I please be excused for a moment?I have to shake hands with a very old friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."

forgot the puch line The teacher fainted!!

Posted by: MacEoghainn 28-Jul-2006, 03:27 PM
QUOTE (crazykiltedcelt @ 28-Jul-2006, 03:53 PM)
QUOTE (crazykiltedcelt @ 28-Jul-2006, 01:51 PM)
got this one from Marti64 on an e-mail thought  i'd share it:

A POLITE WAY TO PEE!!

During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having  dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michzel said, "Just a minute I have to go pee"

The teacher respondedby saying, "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Peter, how would you say it?"

Peter said "I sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you little Jimmy,can use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"

I would say:"Darling,may I please be excused for a moment?I have to shake hands with a very old friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."

forgot the puch line The teacher fainted!!

I think it was funnier without the last line!! lol.gif

Posted by: TheCarolinaScotsman 31-Aug-2006, 06:24 AM
Walking into the bar, Hamish said to the barman, 'Pour me a large Scotch, Eddie. I just had another fight with the little woman.'

'Oh yeah,' said Eddie. 'And how did this one end?'

'When it was over,' Hamish replied, 'she came to me on her hands and knees.'

'Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?'

She said, 'Come out from under that bed, you gutless bastard!'

Posted by: MDF3530 18-Sep-2006, 11:36 AM
WARNING: CONTAINS BAD PUN!!!

A pastor who was badly overworked went to the local medical center and was able to have a clone made. The clone was like the pastor in every respect--except that the clone used extraordinarily foul language. The cloned pastor was exceptionally gifted in many other areas of pastoral work, but finally the complaints about the dirty language were too much.The pastor was not too sure how to get rid of the clone so that it wouldn't look like murder. The best thing, he decided, was to make the clone's death look like an accident. So the pastor lured the clone onto a bridge in the middle of the night and pushed the clone off the bridge.

Unfortunately there was a police officer who happened by at that very moment and arrested the pastor for making an obscene clone fall.

Posted by: stevenpd 18-Sep-2006, 02:26 PM
A young Scottish lad and lassie were sitting on a low stonewall, holding hands, and just gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Donald."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Donald."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps its aboot time for a wee cuddle."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Donald."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps its aboot time you let me poot me hand on your leg."

The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her leg. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Donald." The young man knit his brow.

"Well, now," he said, "my thoughts are a bit more serious this time."

"Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.

"Aye," said the lad.

The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request. Donald blurted out.

.

.

.

.

"Din'na ye think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"

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