Pub humour, Jokes o'plenty

Political speeches are like a steer: A point here, a point there, and a lot of bull in between.


What's the difference between baseball and politics? In baseball you're out if you're caught stealing.


Slàinte,    

Patch    

At the clothing store where I work, I make it a point of pride to give customers my unvarnished opinion. One day, when a man emerged from the fitting room, I took one look at him and shook my head. "No, no," I said. "Those jeans look terrible on you. I'll go get you another pair."

As I walked away, I heard him mumble, "I was trying on the shirt."


Slàinte,    

Patch    

On a recent vacation at a resort with my in-laws, we planned to spend an afternoon at the pool with our kids. We wanted to bring our own drinks, but were unsure of the hotel's policy. My brother-in-law called the front desk, and assuming everyone was familiar with the brand of ice chest he had, asked if it was all right if he brought a Playmate to the pool.

After a pause the clerk asked, "Does she have her own towel?"

Slàinte,    

Patch    

Some newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of children came up. The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband demurred, saying two would be enough for him. They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he'd put an end to things, saying boldly. "After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy."

Without a moment's hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope you'll love the third one like it's your own!"

Slàinte,    

Patch    

A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves.

'What are you doing in there?' she asked.

The rabbit replied: 'This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?', to which the lady replied

'Yes.'

'Well,' the rabbit said,


'I'm westing.'



Sorry... I couldn't stop myself.

Have a Wonderful Easter...

It's coming soon!

THINGS THAT HALLMARK CARDS DON'T SAY

My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tyre...
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!

Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.


Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
"What the hell was I thinking?"


Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.


How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?


I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you .
I've changed my mind.


I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.


As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.


Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.


Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky, West Virginia & South Dakota)


Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!


When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up
I think it's time you kept your promise.


We have been friends for a very long time ..
let's say we stop?


I'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.


Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?


Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.


So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look on the bright side,
it's really good pay

Those are great!

Slàinte,    

Patch    

I thank a great friend for putting a smile on our faces She has some really good ones.....even ones I cannot post

An old man and old woman had been married for about 52 years when one day the old man died. The entire family showed up to the funeral.

Every day after the funeral the old woman would show up at the grave with the man's dog and spend a few minutes out there. About two months later a priest saw the old woman out there with the dog and decided to go talk to her.

"Hello there. You know, we see you come out here every day to visit your husband's grave and we just think that so sweet. We were all wondering if the dog is something that was special to your huisband since you always bring it out here with you."

"No, actually I bring the dog out here to pee on the grave. I'd do it myself, but I'd get arrested for indecent exposure!"

Slàinte,    

Patch    

....oh dear....

I get a lot of those too.

Hope this isnt a re-post.


Two 9-year-old boys were playing in the waiting room of a pediatrician.

One was noticeably more apprehensive about seeing the doctor. So the other one asked, "What are you seeing the doctor about?" The apprehensive boy replied, "I'm having a circumcision." The other boy immediately understood and said, "Yeah, it's not easy. I had my circumcision just after I was born, and I have to tell you, I didn't walk for a whole year!"

Slàinte,    

Patch    

Bunny and Bob, two frequent users of a chat room, discovered that they had a lot in common. Eventually, they abandoned the chat room for a more intimate correspondence.

After months of virtual kinky-ness, the two decided to meet each other face-to-face at a small cafe. Bunny arrived a little late.

One customer, a short, frail man with an eye patch, sat at the back of the cafe. "Are you Bob?" asked Bunny. "Yes I am," said Bob.

"Unbelievable!" Bunny exclaimed. "You told me that you were tall, dark and handsome."

"How do you think I feel?" Bob asked, his face turning red. "You told me that you were skinny, blonde, and female."

Slàinte,    

Patch    

A short but sweet quote:

"If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough."
Mario Andretti

Subject: The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.




Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.

The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.



Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:

TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:

(1) They live here. You don't.
(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they
(1) eat less,
(2) don't ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don't hang out with drug-using people;
(7) don't smoke or drink,
(8) don't want to wear your clothes,
(9) don't have to buy the latest fashions,
(10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and
(11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children ..

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America , Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as 'HILLBILLIES. '
You must now refer to them as:

APPALACHIAN- AMERICANS .


And furthermore

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:


1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a
' BREASTED AMERICAN.'

2. She is not 'EASY' - She is
'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'
(Loved this one!)

3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a
'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY. '

4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a
'previously enjoyed COMPANION.'

5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes
' VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'

6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a
' LOW COST PROVIDER.'


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:


1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a
'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'

2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is
' OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'

3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He
' INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS. '

4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in
'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'

5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of
RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'
(Loved this one!)

6 . It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's
'REAR CLEAVAGE.'