More Bad Jokes From Maceoghainn, I've got more (somebody please stop me!)

Warning!!!! Blonde Joke Follows

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

Doctor Bob had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all week long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he simply couldn't. The feelings of guilt and betrayal were overwhelming.

Every once in a while though, he'd hear that soothing voice within himself, trying to offer reassurance: "Bob, don't worry about it. You're not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."

But invariably, the other voice would bring him back to reality: "Bob, you're a vet".

President Bush visits a primary school classroom. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks President Bush if he would like to lead the discussion of the word 'tragedy.' So the president asks the class for an example of a tragedy.

One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him,that would be a 'tragedy'."

"No," says President Bush, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains President Bush. "That's what we would call a 'great loss'."

The room goes silent. No other children volunteered. Bush searches the room.
"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice, he says: "If Air Force One carrying you, Mr. President, were struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a 'tragedy'."

"Fantastic!" exclaims President Bush. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a 'tragedy'?"

"Well," says the boy, "because it certainly wouldn't be a 'great loss', and it probably wouldn't be an 'accident' either."

I heard that one a while back with the Rev. Jesse Jackson as the guest speaker.

This is only my opinion, but I would suggest the previous joke really belongs in the Politics Live forum. I know I try to keep my jests at the expense of individuals and groups limited mainly to blondes.

Hey, I resemble that remark! What hair I do have left used to resemble blonde and in my younger days was truly blonde, bleached even whiter by the sun.

But I concur with your comments about Emmets joke. Unfortunately, humor, in any form, can be posting in the Jester's Court. There is no accounting for bad form. Interjecting a politically charged piece of humor, especially in this thread, is bad form.

- Voltaire [François Marie Arouet] (1694–1778) in a 6 February 1770 letter to M. le Riche

So Steve, not only do you admit to being a blonde , you also claim to be a member of BAD (Bald American Dudes)!!

That's right, I'm bad. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, I'm bad.

MacE,

I resemble that remark.

The retired to Florida guy.

Jim Milne

Ah! Anoother Gordon! Greetin's tae ye. MacE, d'ye ken why we PARK in the driveway an' Drive on the parkway? I think this on gaes back tae yer English lesson!

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started. "Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger.

"Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.

"He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ..." He sighed................

"Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box."

I've just manage to gain my composure after that last one, just enough to say:

That's hilarious!

I havn't had a good belly laugh in a while. My sides are still hurting.

I LOOOOVE IT!

How to get rid of a Telemarketer

The phone rang as I was sitting down to my evening meal, and as I answered it I was greeted with "Is this Karl Brummer". Not sounding anything like my name, I asked who is calling. The telemarketer said he was with The Rubber Band Powered Freezer Company or something like that. Then I asked him if he knew Karl personally and why was he calling this number. I then said off to the side, "get some pictures of the body at various angles and the blood smears", I then turned back to the phone and advised the caller that he had called a phone located at a murder scene and that he must stay on the line because we would trace this call and he would be receiving a visit from law enforcement. I questioned the caller at great length as to his name, address, phone number at home, at work, who he worked for, how he knew the deceased, and could he prove where he had been at least one hour before he made this call. The telemarketer was getting very concerned and his answers were given in a shaky voice. I then told him we had located his position and the police were on the way to the building to take him into custody, at that point I heard the phone fall and the scurrying of him running away.

My wife asked me as I returned to our table why I had tears streaming down my face and so help me, I couldn't tell her for about fifteen minutes. My meal was cold, but it was the best meal in a long, long time.

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

(you're gonna love this)

(its a real treat)

(a masterpiece)

(wait for it)


The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)

Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!!

Slainte

Yes I'm singing it, and NOW I can't get it out of my head! You owe me a beer for that one!