Let's Have A Laugh..., (Or I try...)

[Viriato]

The history goes...



When I moved to London to became the manager of a large inner city hostel for homeless men, my family and I lived in a self-contained flat within the building.
On my sons first day at school, he was told to write a few words about his family and parents so that each teacher could turn to the front of the exercise book to learn something of his background.
Some weeks later my wife and I attended our first meeting at the school and were introduced to our son?s teachers. They looked very embarrassed. I understood why when one plucked up the courage to show us what our son had written:
?My mother lives in a big house with a lot of man, and my father collects the money.?

[Viriato]

The woman?s husband had been in hospital for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.
One morning, when he regained consciousness, he motioned for her to come closer.
As his wife sat next to him, the man whispered, his eyes full of tears, ?You?ve been with me through all the bad times. When I got sack, you were there to support me. When we lost our family home, you stayed by my side. When my health began to deteriorate, you were there. Do you know something??
?What?s my dear?? the woman asked tenderly.
?I think you?re bad luck.?

[Viriato]

A man was standing in a kerb, getting ready to cross the street. As soon as he steps down from the pavement, a car comes screaming down the road, heading straight towards him.
The man picks up speed, but so does the car. So the man turns around and dashes back, but the car changes lanes and keeps coming.
Now the vehicle is really close and the pedestrian is so scared that he freezes in the middle of the road.
The car bears down on him, then swerves and the last possible moment and screeches to a halt.
The driver rolls down the window. Behind the wheel is a squirrel.
?See,? sneers the squirrel, ?it is not as easy as it looks, is it??

[Viriato]

A man leaving a lake renowned for its fishing was stopped by a warden who noticed he was carrying two buckets of fish.
The warden asked the man if he had an angling licence.
?No,? he said. ?These are my pets.?
The warden expressed his disbelief, but the man persisted: ?Every night I bring these fish to the lake and let them swim around. Then I whistle, they jump back into their buckets and we go home.?
?Nonsense,? sniffed the warden, ?Fish can?t do that.?
?Yes they can, watch this.? The man poured the creatures into the lake. After a few minutes the warden became impatient and said, ?Well??
?Sorry?? said the man.
?When are you going to call your fish back?? asked the warden.
?What fish?? said the man.

[CelticCoalition]

1Thanks for the much needed laugh Viriato!

[Viriato]

A rookie reporter was dispatched by the editor to cover the story of a man who claimed to be able to sing opera while eating a three-course meal.
When the young news hound returned he told to the editor the story wasn?t worth publishing. His boss asked him why.
?It was a trick,? the reported explained. ?The man has two heads.?

[Viriato]

While visiting my brother in Poole, I walked into a barber?s shop for a haircut.
The barber listened patiently to my request: ?Trim a bit around the ears and neck, but don?t take anything of the top and back.?
When I have finished talking he asked, ?Should I just write you a note saying you?ve been here??

[Viriato]

My wife and I were watching the gorillas at Bristol Zoo when several of them charged at the enclosure fence, scattering the crowd except for one elderly man.
Later, my wife asked him how he had kept his composure.
?I used to drive a school bus,? replied the man.

[Viriato]

Ta CelticCoalition

It's what I thought...

Peopleas at each other throats, bombs, wars, bitterness... So I thought to start a thread about laughing for a change.

Perhaps are not too funny because they don't fit on the USA or Canada sense of humor but may be someone can post something in the line.

[Viriato]

I?m on a sixty-day diet. So far I?ve lost 45 days?

[Viriato]

At the tanning salon I was under the lights for so long that the protective shades left a big white circle around each eye.
Gazing in the mirror the next day, I thought, ?I look like a clown.?
I had almost convinced myself that I was overreacting until I got in the queue at the supermarket. I felt a tug at my shirt and looked down to see a toddler staring at me. ?Are you giving out balloons?? he asked.

[Viriato]

Saddam Hussein?s look-alikes were in a meeting. The atmosphere was tense as no one had heard from the dictator for over a week.
Saddam?s doctor came into the room and said, ?I have good news and bad news. The good news is that Saddam survived the bombing.?
The look-alikes sighed with relief.
?And the bad news is that he?s lost an arm??

[Viriato]

While ferrying workers back and forth from our offshore oil rig, the helicopter I was travelling on lost power and went down.
Fortunately, it landed safely in a lake.
Struggling to get out, one man tore his seat belt, inflated his life jacket and jerked open the exit door.
?Don?t jump!? the pilot called out. ?This thing is supposed to float!?
As the man leapt from the helicopter into the lake, he shouted back, ?Really? Well it?s supposed to fly too!?

[Viriato]

One dog to another dog: ?What if the hand that feeds us is surprisingly tasty??


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Following a bus through Durham, I noticed a slogan on the rear window which read: ?Find where this bus goes at www.arriva.co.uk.?
Underneath, someone had written in the dirt, ??or look at the front like normal people.?


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Sign outside a garage in York: ?Worn tyres kill! Get you?re here.?

[Viriato]

John and Tony got into a pub, whooping and screaming.
?Drinks for everyone! We?re buying!? they shout.
?What?s the occasion?? asks the barman as he pours the drinks.
?We?ve just finished a jigsaw puzzle and it only took us seven months,? Tony replies.
?Seven months?? says the barman. ?It shouldn?t take you seven months to a puzzle.?
?Oh, really?? John answered defensively. ?On the box it said ?two to four years!?


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When David started his new job at the zoo he was given three tasks.
The first was to clear weeds from the exotic fish pool. As Dave is doing this, a huge fish leaps out and tries to bite him. Dave ends up killing it in the struggle. Realising his boss will be furious, he quickly decides to feed the fish to the lions.
When Dave moves on to his second job, clearing out the chimpanzee enclosure, a pair of chimps begins to throw coconuts at him. To protect himself, he swipes at them with his spade.
Unfortunately, he slays them both. Dave is in deep trouble now, so he decides to follow the same course of action and throws them in the lion?s cage.
Dave?s final task is to collect honey from the bees, but they start attacking him. In self-defence, Dave swings his spade round his head and squashes as many as he can. Then he scoops up the bees and puts them in the lion enclosure.
Later that day, a new lion is brought to the zoo. The newcomer approaches another resident and asks, ?What?s the food like here??
?It is brilliant,? replies the animal, ?Today we had fish, chimps and mushy bees.?


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My wife was fascinated by the elegant calligraphy on the handwritten menu in a Chinese restaurant. She took it home and spent months knitting a jumper with Chinese characters down the front.
She was wearing the garment at a cocktail party when a Chinese doctor asked where she had got the symbols.
?From a menu,? she admitted.
?Do you know what they say??
?I am afraid to ask,? my wife said, ?but tell me anyway.?
?Cheap. But good.?


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