Pub humour, Jokes o'plenty

[blackcloud1129]

A extremely wealthy, 70 year old guy returns from a vacation and shows up
at the country club with an absolutely stunning, 25 year-old blonde. She
clutches the guy's arm tightly and seems to hang on his every word. His
buddies at the club are all astonished.

At the very first chance, they corner him and demand, "So tell us where
you found this hot girlfriend!"

The guy replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"

Amazed, the friends ask. "How did you persuade her to marry you?"

"I lied about my age," the guy replies.

"Oh," they nod, knowingly. "Did you tell her you were only 50?"

"Heck no; I told her I was 90

[blackcloud1129]

A group of kindergartners were trying very
hard to become accustomed to the
First grade. The biggest hurdle they faced
was that the teacher insisted on, " NO baby talk! You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.

She asked Chris what he
had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana."

"No, you went to
visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!"

She then asked
Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo."

She said
"No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words."

She then asked little Alec what he had done. "I read a book,"
he replied.

"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you
read?"


Alec thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest
with great pride,
And said,





"Winnie the S***."

[maggiemahone1]

Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continued playing standing up.

Finkelstein looks around and asks, "So, who is going to tell his wife"? They draw straws. Goldberg picks the short one.

They tell him to use good judgment, be discreet and be gentle. Don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet"? he says. "I'll be the most discreet person you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Just leave it to me."

So, Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment and knocks on the door.

The wife answers and asks what he wants. Goldberg declares, "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!" she yells.

"I'll go tell him," says Goldberg.


maggiemahone1

[maggiemahone1]

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway.
But, as time went by, the traffic
slowly built up at an alarming rate.
The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his
chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.

So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office
and said, "You've got to do something about all
of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."


"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"
So the next day he had the county workers
go out and erected a sign that said:

SLOW:
SCHOOL CROSSING


Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff
and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers.
The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."
So, again, the sheriff sends out the county
workers and they put up a new sign:
SLOW:
CHILDREN AT PLAY


That really sped them up. So Farmer John called
and called and called every day for three weeks.
Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are
doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?"
The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign."
He was going to let the Farmer John do just about
anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain.


The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.
Three weeks later, curiosity go the best of the
sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call.
"How's the problem with those drivers.
Did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been
killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy."
He hung up the phone.
The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to
himself, "I'd better go out there and take a
look at that sign... it might be something that
WE could use to slow down drivers..."

So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house,
and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign.
It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:

NUDIST COLONY
Go slow and watch out for chicks!!

maggiemahone1

[blackcloud1129]

Golf Balls
A man entered the bus with both his front pockets full of golf balls,
and he sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed right) blond.

The puzzled blond keeps looking at his bulging pockets.

Finally, after such glances from her
he said, "It's golf balls."

Nevertheless the blond continued to
look at him thoughtfully and finally, not
being able to contain her curiosity any longer asked..........



"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

[Robert Phoenix]

Football FINALLY makes sense.........
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great
seats right behind their team's bench.

After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really
liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles,
but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25
cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the
game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the
quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"

[Robert Phoenix]

And for all you Green Bay fans:
John Madden was in New England to announce a football game one weekend when he noticed a special telephone near the Patriots' bench. He asked QB Brady what it was used for and was told it was a hotline to God. John asked if he could use it. Brady replied, "Sure, but it will cost you $200."

John scratched his head, then thought, what the heck, I could use some help picking games. He pulled out his wallet and paid $200. John's picks were perfect that week.

The next week, John was in Indianapolis when he noticed that same kind of phone on the Colts bench. He asked what the telephone was for and Manning told him, "It's a hotline to God. If you want to use it, it will cost you $500." Recalling the previous week, John pulled out his wallet and made the call.
John's picks were perfect again that week.

Last weekend, John was in Green Bay, when he noticed the same kind of telephone by the Packers' bench. He asked Brett Favre, "Is that the hotline to God?" Favre said, "Yes, and if you want to use it, it will cost you 50 cents."

John looked incredulously at Favre and said, "Wait a second, I just paid $200 in New England and $500 in Indianapolis to use the same phone to God! Why do the Packers only charge 50 cents?"

Favre replied, "Because in Green Bay, it's a local call."

[blackcloud1129]

Only a real Maine Man can make you feel like a woman.

A plane was passing through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.

One woman lost it completely. She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, "I'm too young to die," she cried. Then she yelled, "If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman? "

For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.



Then a man from Maine stood up in the rear of the plane. He was handsome, tall, well built; with dark brown hair and hazel eyes ... his name was Don. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time, locking eyes with her. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest. She gasped...

Then, he spoke... "Here, iron this -- and then get me a beer."

[blackcloud1129]

Where to Live After Retirement:


You can live in Phoenix , Arizona where.....< /EM>

1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.

2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.

3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.

4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.

5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.

6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

You can Live in California where...

1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.

2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.

3. You know how to eat an artichoke.

4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.

5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought


You can Live in New York City where...

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan

2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get fromColumbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.

3. You think Central Park is "nature."

4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.

5. You've worn out a car horn.

6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.


You can Live in Maine where...

1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco

2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.

3. You have more than one recipe for moose.

4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.

5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.


You can Live in the Deep South where...

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.

2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.

3. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.

4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, MARY BETH, etc.


You can live in Colorado where...

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.

2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.

3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.

4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.


You can live in the Midwest where...

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.

2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.

3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.

4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"

5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"


AND You can live in Florida where..

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.

2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.

3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.

4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.

5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people

[gaberlunzie]

SO, WHAT YOUR COMPLAINT AGAIN??

These are actual clips from British Council flat tenants complaining to the Council about problems with their flats

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

3. It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow.

4. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

5. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

6. And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

7. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen

12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.

13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

15. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour & not fit to drink.

16. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

17. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

18. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

19. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

20. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

[maggiemahone1]

some of those were hilarious!!!

maggiemahone1

[maisky]

This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like an

Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.







John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the

road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could

hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly come toward

him and stop. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got

into the car and closed the door... only to realize there was nobody behind

the wheel and the engine wasn't on!! The car started moving slowly.





John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to

pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand

appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed

with terror, watched as the hand repeatedly came through the window,

but never touched or harmed him. Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub

appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it.





Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the

horrible experience he had just had. A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized

he was crying and...wasn't drunk.





Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the stormy night.

They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John

Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...









"Look, Paddy... there's that flipping idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!"

[Robert Phoenix]

got this in the email today:

S O M E T I M E S


Sometimes...

when you cry...

no one sees your tears.



Sometimes...

when you are in pain...

no one sees your hurt.



Sometimes...

when you are worried..

no one sees your stress.



Sometimes...

when you are happy..

no one sees your smile .



-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

But FART!! just ONE time...



And everybody knows!!

[blackcloud1129]

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the
great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest
Festival, you will be executed in three days.

But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests.

What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds! , "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The chief nods and Silver is brought before the
Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You Have a very fine and loyal horse but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You Are indeed a man of many
talents but I still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse....alone."

The Chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and
says,

"Listen very carefully you dumb ass horse. For
the last time . . . . . . . BRING POSSEEEEE

[blackcloud1129]

Finally, a definition of globalization

I can understand and to which
I can relate:






Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?








Answer: Princess

Diana's death.








Question: How come?








Answer:






An English princess with






An Egyptian boyfriend






Crashes in a French






Tunnel, driving a






German car






With a Dutch engine,






Driven by a Belgian






Who was drunk






On Scottish whisky,






(check the bottle before you change the spelling),






Followed closely by






Italian Paparazzi,






On Japanese motorcycles;






Treated by an American doctor, using






Brazilian medicines.














This is sent to you by






A Canadian,






Using Bill Gates's technology,






And you're probably reading this on your computer,






That uses Taiwanese






Chips, and a






Korean monitor,






Assembled by






Bangladeshi workers






In a Singapore plant,






Transported by Indian






Lorry-drivers,






Hijacked by Indonesians,






Unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,






And trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....






















That, my friends, is Globalization!