Pub humour, Jokes o'plenty

[gaberlunzie]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!'

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!


He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of the night'

She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?'

John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.'

'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.


The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.


The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'

She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.'

[Patch]

The old Scot worked as a care taker of the property of a titled land owner. one year his employer gave him a fine wool cap with warm ear flaps. He wore it proudly, the flaps over his ears. One cold day he went to work without his hat. His employer asked why he wasn't wearing it on such a cold day. He replied, "yesterday McDonald offered to buy me a drink and because of me cap
I dinna hear him!"

Slàinte,    

Patch

[Patch]

Some group did a song relating to the "Sleeping Scotsman" about a Mother and her Daughter finding a blue ribbon in the park. I have been unable to locate it. If anyone knows where to find it I would appreciate the information.

Thanks

Slàinte,    

Patch

[Robert Phoenix]

An eye witness account from New York City, on a cold day in December, some years ago: A little boy, about 10-years-old, was standing before a shoe store on the roadway, barefooted, peering through the window, and shivering with cold.

A lady approached the young boy and said, "My, but you're in such deep thought staring in that window!"

"I was asking God to give me a pair of shoes,"was the boy's reply

The lady took him by the hand, went into the store, and asked the clerk to get half a dozen pairs of socks for the boy. She then asked if he could give her a basin of water and a towel. He quickly brought them to her.

She took the little fellow to the back part of the store and, removing her gloves, knelt down, washed his little feet, and dried them with the towel.

By this time, the clerk had returned with the socks. Placing a pair upon the boy's feet, she purchased him a pair of shoes.

She tied up the remaining pairs of socks and gave them to him.. She patted him on the head and said, "No doubt, you will be more comfortable now."

As she turned to go, the astonished kid caught her by the hand, and looking up into her face, with tears in his eyes, asked her .

"Are you God's wife?"

[Leelee]

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant
for lunch.

After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about twenty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around -- in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her -- the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.

As she got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, her husband yelled to her, 'While you're in there, you might as well get my hat, and the credit card.'

[Leelee]

MAD WIFE

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine. 'What was that for?' he asked. 'That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it,' she replied. 'Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on,' he explained 'Oh honey, I'm sorry,' she said. 'I should have known there was a good explanation.

Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, 'What the hell was that for? She replied, 'Your horse called.'

[blackcloud1129]

> What is the difference between girls/woman aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68, and 78 ?


> At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.

> At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.

> At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

> At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

> At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.

> At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.

> At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!

> At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you???

[blackcloud1129]

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored us and c ontinued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

So my wife called him a shithead. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

[Patch]

Three elderly ladies, Isabele, Mable and Cora were sitting on a park bench one fine summer day.

A flasher stopped in front of them and threw open his overcoat. Isabele gasped and had a stroke. Then Mabel who was shocked also had a stroke. However Cora didn't have a stroke as she was older and too feeble to reach that far.

(Hope I didn't offend anyone.)

Slàinte,        

Patch

[ranger]

TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS
AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN.
AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL
THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS
AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, 'GO UP TO THE FIRST
TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED.
THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING
TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW
THE DIFFERENCE.'
THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD
MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.
AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, 'YOU
KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!'
'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?'
'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE
TIME I WAS LOVING HER.'
HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS
A WITCH.'
'A WITCH ??. . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?'
'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON
THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE
FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW... TOOK MY
TEETH WITH HER!'

[Leelee]

Archie and Harry, were driving down the road drinking a couple of beers.

The passenger, Harry, suddenly said, 'Lord tundering
jaisus...up ahead - it's a police roadblock!! We're
gonna get busted fer drinkin' dese here beers!!'

Don't worry,' Archie said. 'We'll just pull over and
finish dese beers, then peel off the label, stick it
on our foreheads, and trow the bottles under the
seat.'

What fer?'

'Jist let me do de talkin', OK?'

So they finished their beers, threw the empties out of
sight and put a label on each of their foreheads. When
they reached the roadblock, the police officer took a
long look at the two of them and said, 'You boys been
drinkin'?'

'No sir,' said Archie, pointing at the labels. 'We're
on the patch.'

[Patch]

It is hard to top those Irish Priests!

An Irish priest is transferred to Texas . Father O'Malley
rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new
Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his
bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day
outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying
dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called
the local police station. The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help
you?" "And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father
O'Malley at St. Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in
me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple
o' yer lads to take care of the matter?" Sergeant Jones,
considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk,
"Well now father, it was always my impression that you
people took care of last rites!" There was dead silence
on the line for a long moment. Father O'Malley then
replied: "Aye, tis certainly true, but we are also obliged
to notify the next of kin."

Slàinte,           

Patch

[Patch]

A FINN DECIDES TO TRAVEL ACROSS CANADA TO SEE THE PACIFIC OCEAN. WHEN HE GETS TO NANAIMO, HE LIKES THE PLACE SO MUCH THAT HE DECIDES TO STAY.

BUT FIRST HE MUST FIND A JOB!

HE WALKS INTO THE MACMILLIAN-BLOEDEL OFFICE AND FILLS OUT AN APPLICATION AS AN EXPERIENCED LOGGER. IT'S HIS LUCKY DAY! THEY JUST HAPPEN TO BE LOOKING FOR SOMEONE.

BUT FIRST, THE BUSH FOREMAN TAKES HIM FOR A RIDE INTO THE BUSH IN THE COMPANY PICKUP TRUCK TO SEE HOW MUCH HE KNOWS.

THE FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD AND POINTS AT A TREE.

"SEE THAT TREE OVER THERE? I WANT YOU TO TELL ME WHAT SPECIES IT IS AND HOW MANY BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IT CONTAINS"

THE FINN PROMPTLY ANSWERS, "DAT DERE'S A SITKA SPRUCE, EH? AND SHE GOT 383 BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IN 'ER."

THE FOREMAN IS IMPRESSED. HE PUTS THE TRUCK IN MOTION AND STOPS ABOUT A MILE DOWN THE ROAD. HE POINTS AT ANOTHER TREE THROUGH THE PASSENGER WINDOW AND ASKS THE SAME QUESTION.

THIS TIME, IT'S A BIGGER TREE OF A DIFFERENT CLASS.

"LORD TUNDERIN'!! DAT'S YER DOUGLAS FIR AND SHE GOT 690 BOARD FEET." SAYS THE FINN.

NOW THE FOREMAN IS REALLY IMPRESSED. THE FINN HAS ANSWERED QUICKLY AND GOT THE ANSWERS RIGHT WITHOUT USING A CALCULATOR! ONE MORE TEST.

THEY DRIVE A LITTLE FURTHER DOWN THE ROAD, AND THE FOREMAN STOPS AGAIN. THIS TIME, HE POINTS ACROSS THE ROAD THROUGH HIS DRIVER SIDE WINDOW AND SAYS, "AND WHAT ABOUT THAT ONE?"

BEFORE THE FOREMAN FINISHES POINTING, THE FINN SAYS, "A YELLER CEDAR, 242 BOARD FEET AT MOS'."

THE FOREMAN SPINS THE TRUCK AROUND AND HEADS BACK TO THE OFFICE A LITTLE PISSED OFF BECAUSE HE THINKS THE FINN IS SMARTER THAN HIM.

AS THEY NEAR THE OFFICE, THE FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK AND ASKS THE FINN TO STEP OUTSIDE. HE HANDS HIM A PIECE OF CHALK AND TELLS HIM, "SEE THAT TREE OVER THERE?
I WANT YOU TO MARK AN 'X' ON THE FRONT OF THAT TREE!!

THE FOREMAN THINKS TO HIMSELF, "IDIOT! HOW WOULD HE KNOW WHICH IS THE FRONT OF THE TREE?"

WHEN THE FINN REACHES THE TREE, HE GOES AROUND IT IN A CIRCLE WHILE LOOKING AT THE GROUND. HE THEN REACHES UP AND PLACES A WHITE 'X' ON THE TRUNK.

HE WALKS BACK TO THE FOREMAN AND HANDS HIM THE CHALK. "DAT'S DA FRONT A' DAT TREE FER SURE." THE FINN STATES.

THE FOREMAN LAUGHS TO HIMSELF AND ASKS SARCASTICALLY, "HOW IN THE HELL DO YOU KNOW THAT'S THE FRONT OF THE TREE?"

THE FINN LOOKS DOWN AT HIS FEET, WHILE RUBBING THE TOE OF HIS LEFT BOOT CLEANING IT IN THE GRAVEL AND REPLIES,

"CUZ SOMEBODY TOOK A SH-T BEHIND IT, EH?"

HE GOT THE JOB AND IS NOW THE FOREMAN.

[Patch]

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.

Then, a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" asks his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?"

"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."

So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?"

And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"

And the drunk replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."

Slàinte,   

Patch

[Patch]

The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can
arrange some things for you," the devil said. "I'll increase your
income five-fold; your partners will love you; your clients will
respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and
live to be 100. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your
children's souls, and their children's souls will burn in hell for
eternity." The lawyer thought for a moment. "So, what's the
catch?" he asked.

Slàinte,   

Patch