Pub humour, Jokes o'plenty

[Aon_Daonna]

hmm the only jokes I know are dirty =/ nothing to tell in public, so i won't *grins*

[maggiemahone1]

Quote (aklassie @ Mar. 29 2003,3:02)

That's ok TracyLynn.  I'd rather be here also.  Much to heavy over in the other place.  Right now we all need a good laugh.  I can't think of any jokes though.

I agree with you folks!  I like a place where I can be relaxed and not get all stressed out.  I guess this is the place to be.

maggiemahone1


       

[MDF3530]

Not really a joke but still pretty funny ...

Five reasons why drinking should be allowed at work:

1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communication.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. Babbling and mumbling incoherently would be common, not just restricted to the higher ups.    

[maggiemahone1]

I like number 5.!!!

maggiemahone1

[MDF3530]

Here's an oldie but a goodie ...

Fed up her husband Ian coming home drunk every night, one night Mary took him up to a high place where they could see the local distillery in full swing. Lights were flashing, machines were roaring, and trucks were pulling in and out.

"See," Mary said, "they're making it faster than you can drink it."

Ian replied, "Aye, but you have to admit, I've got 'em workin' nights!"

[tartangal]

LOL!!!!!

 The vibes are definitely better here.
Got another for you.

Burglar breaks into what he thinks is an empty house.As he creeps through the livingroom, he hears a loud voice say,"Jesus is watching you!"
 The house goes quiet again so the burglar starts to tiptoe forward .
" Jesus is watching you!" the voice booms again.
He stops dead in his tracks.He is frightened.
Frantically he looks around and in the corner spots a birdcage containing a parrot.
  He asks the parrot,"Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"
 "Yes" says the parrot.
  The burglar breathes a sigh of relief, and asks the parrot's name.
 "Clarence,"said the bird.
 "That's a stupid name for a parrot,"sneers the burglar."What idiot named you Clarence?"
 The parrot says:"The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."
                                   
                               Jules

[aklassie]

Jules, I liked that one.  LOL  

[aklassie]

David's wife is mad at him, because he forgot her birthday.

Quick-witted, David says, "Sweetheart, how do you expect me
to remember your birthday when you never look any older?"

[MDF3530]

Quote (tartangal @ Mar. 29 2003,1:42)

LOL!!!!!  The vibes are definitely better here. Got another for you. Burglar breaks into what he thinks is an empty house.As he creeps through the livingroom, he hears a loud voice say,"Jesus is watching you!"  The house goes quiet again so the burglar starts to tiptoe forward . " Jesus is watching you!" the voice booms again. He stops dead in his tracks.He is frightened. Frantically he looks around and in the corner spots a birdcage containing a parrot.   He asks the parrot,"Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"  "Yes" says the parrot.   The burglar breathes a sigh of relief, and asks the parrot's name.  "Clarence,"said the bird.  "That's a stupid name for a parrot,"sneers the burglar."What idiot named you Clarence?"  The parrot says:"The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."                                                                    Jules

I've heard that one before

[tartangal]

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack,so he says,"Miss Whack,I'd like a £30,000 loan to take a holiday.
   Pattie looks at the frog in disbelief and asks him his name.
The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger,his dad is Mick Jagger and that it's ok, he knows the bank manager.
     Pattie explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
      The frog says "sure,I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about 1/2 inch tall- pink and perfectly formed.
     Very confused, Pattie explains that she will have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into the back office.
    She finds the manager and says," There's afrog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £30,000 and wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
   The bank manager looks back at her and says.....
"It's a knickknack Pattie Whack ,give the frog a loan.His old man's a Rolling Stone."


                          Jules

[maggiemahone1]

   
That was funnieeee!!!

maggiemahone1

[Jimmy Carbomb]

Old joke... but worth "repeating".  Best said with broque.

How many beans does it take to make Irish Bean Soup?
Two-hundred and thirty nine.
One more and it would be two-farty.

[MDF3530]

Quote (Gaelic Bread @ Mar. 31 2003,5:44)

Old joke... but worth "repeating".  Best said with broque. How many beans does it take to make Irish Bean Soup? Two-hundred and thirty nine. One more and it would be two-farty.

That was good especially said aloud with a wee bit of broque.

[free2Bme]

Here's another old joke...

Three guys, Dave, Paul, and Mike died and found themselves at the gates of paradise. The angel said, "I'll let you three inside, but on one condition. You must never step on a duck."

The three guys accepted this strange condition and went on in.

While walking on a grassy field, Dave took time to look at the blue cloudless sky. Suddenly... "quack..."

The angel appeared beside him. "You have stepped on a duck. You are liable for exile, but if you still desire to remain, you will have to marry the ugliest woman alive."

Dave had no choice but to agree.

Paul was walking in the middle of paradise. while he stopped to smell the flowers, ... "quack quack!"

The angel promptly appeared and said the same thing, and soon Dave and Paul were talking to each other about how unfortunate they were to have married the two ugliest women alive.

One day the two downcast friends met Mike, who was obviously very happy and had no idea what had happened to the other two. Dave and Paul were so surprised when they saw who Mike was with-- a gorgeous supermodel. He
introduced her as his wife. They asked him how he came to be so lucky.

To which Mike replied: "Well, she wouldn't tell me anything. She just said that she stepped on a duck...."

[maggiemahone1]

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an  exceptionally tall handsome, extremely sexy, middle aged man entered.  He was so handsome that the woman couldn't keep her eyes off him.

The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly over to her.

Before she could offer her apoligies for staring, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do for 20$, on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the woman ask what the condition was.

The man replied. "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, then slowly removed a 20$ bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address.  She looked into his eyes and meaningfully said...

"Clean my house"
   
maggiemahone1