Two Elderly Woman

[Druid_of_Ark]

Good one Jim...and on a similar note...

Three patients were about to be released from a Psychiatric Hospital, but before they were released the doctor called each one in...He asked he first one to point to his wrist, his elbow and his shoulder. Well the patient thought for a minute and pointed to his elbow, his wrist, and his shoulder. The doctor sent him back to his room. He asked the second one to point to his wrist, his elbow and his shoulder. Well the patient thought for a minute and pointed to his shoulder, his wrist, and his elbow. The doctor sent him back to his room. He asked he third one to point to his wrist, his elbow and his shoulder. Well the patient thought for a minute and got them in the right order. "Wonderful!" the doctor said, "How did you get that right so fast?" The patient pointed to his head and replied, "Kidneys, Doc, Kidneys."

[piobmhorpiper]

When the Lord was finishing the creation of Earth St Peter came to him and asked what he had give the Scots. The Lord said I gave them beautiful glens, plentiful lochs, and the nectar of heaven.
St Peter proclaimed you gave them all that and the recipe for Scotch! That's too much , they'll be spoild!
Yes said the lord, but you see who I gave them for neighbors!

[Druid_of_Ark]

Neighbors? Scotland has only th Irish for Neighbors, well them and that Mental Ward located south of Sterling Bridge.

[mainopsman]

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

JIM (mainopsman)

[mainopsman]

Bubba lives in the middle of a bunch of Catholics.

Every Friday during Lent, he fires up his outside grill and cooks a big juicy steak..venison from his hunting trip...you could smell the delicious aroma all over the neighbourhood.

The Catholics are very upset about this, but are reluctant to confront their neighbour.

So they explain their dilemma to the Priest, who goes to see Bubba.

They sit and talk, the Priest is so persuasive that he gets the man to convert to the Catholic Faith.
At his Baptism, the Priest sprinkles holy water on him, saying "You were raised as a Baptist, you lived as a Baptist, now you are a Catholic".

The neighbours are delighted, until the first Friday of the next Lent.

Then they notice the delicious smell of venison steak drifting over from Bubba's direction.

They are on the way to Bubba's house when they see him standing over the grill, sprinking the steak and saying "you were born a deer, you lived as a deer, now you're a catfish!"

Jim (mainopsman)

[mainopsman]

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.
The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers, "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each."

The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.

Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!

Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.

Jim (mainopsman)

[mainopsman]

A man robs a bank and takes hostages.

He asks the first hostage, "Did you see me rob the bank?"

The hostage answers "Yes."

The robber promptly shoots him in the head.

Then he asks the second hostage if he saw him rob the bank.

The hostage answers, "No, but my wife did."

Jim (mainopsman)

[mainopsman]

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for anumber of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor wasable to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

JIM (mainopsman)

[mainopsman]

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, ' I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'

JIM (mainopsman)

[mainopsman]

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'

JIM (mainopsman)

[mainopsman]

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'
_________________________________________________________

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'

JIM (mainopsman)

[mainopsman]

A mother and a daughter are shopping in the mall, when the mother eyes an expensive fur coat.

"This year," she says, "I think that I will buy my present instead of making you and Dad shop for me." The daughter nods in agreement. "And I think this fur coat would be perfect too."

The daughter protests, "But Mom, some helpless, poor creature has to suffer so that you can have this."

"Don't worry, honey," says the mother. "Your father won't get the bill for a couple of weeks."

Jim (mainopsman)

[mainopsman]

While walking down the street one day a US politician is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the Golden Gate .

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem.. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the politician.

" I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the politician joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The politician reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers the politician. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning...... Today you voted!


JIM (mainopsman)

[mainopsman]

Sean and Liam were walking in the woods when they came across a sign saying,
"Tree Fellers wanted".
Liam says to Sean, "Now isn't that a shame. If Seamus was with us, we could have gotten the job".

JIM (mainopsman)

[Druid_of_Ark]

Two elderly women were having lunch together. Suddenly Nola looks at Myrtle and says, "Myrtle, why have you got a Suppository sticking out of your ear?" Myrtle looks a bit puzzled then replies, "Oh now I know where my hearing aid is!"