I was raised in a conflicting environment in all aspects, especially religion. My mother was raised baptist in tennessee and my father had become an atheist when he was 12.
Growing up my mother took us to lots of different churches(baptist, methodist, church of christ, pentecostal, you get the picture...LOTS) I got kicked out of many sunday school classes for asking "wrong" questions like:" Where does God come from(if everything has a begining) ? If we had prophets in the Old testament why don't we have nay now? Why will I go to hell if I questions the preacher's word?" I had a lot of questions and no one had the answers. Even the preachers, priests, pastors, etc had no way of handling me. I would stump them on religious questions in front of people. They would smile(placatingly) and push me to the side. They'd dismiss the question as that of an uneducated(unconditioned) mind.
Add to that the fact that my elementary school library had a huge collection of books pertaining to reincarnation, the zodiac, witchcraft, and other things. While the other kids were reading"my first blah blah blah" I was reading about buhddist chanting and hindu beliefs of reincarnation. While the were gathered around listening to the librarian read Clifford the big red dog, I was reading about my astrological sign and the phases of the moon.
This continued into my teens. Although my mother had found a church that she enjoyed, and a preacher that humored my questions, I had started forming my own beliefs. But, to make my mother happy(and because I felt I needed to know) I was baptised...nada...nothing..zip..ziltch. Not warm feeling. No contentment. Nothing.
I started practicing when I was about 15. We lived on a huge farm and most was still wooded so I could practice in solitude and safety. But, I still hung on to some of my "christian" beliefs.
Well, when I turned 18 I left for california and my first chance to be on my own. While I was there I shirked my "christian" shell because I kept thinking that . according to all the holy men, you can go to heaven if you're saved but if you screw up one time you're going to hell. I knew I'd screwed up plenty so I went wild. Debauch debauch debauch. I had almost giving up any kind of spirituality.
That changed in '94 when my two brothers were involved in a car accident and my youngest died @ 16. My younger (17) had severe head trauma and had part of his brain removed. They expected him to be a vegetable for the rest of his life.
Two things happened in the ordeal. I was shown the miracle of the Gods and I was taught what true faith was. Faith in something greater than I. Faith in something all powerful and protective. Faith in the gods, in man, in myself.
I was introduced to the LDS church at this point and I became a member a few months later. It was a beautiful, comforting experience and my time in the church has been my greatest growth , spiritually , that I have ever know. The things I have learned for the wonderful souls there and from being allowed to continue to explore other teachings has enabled me to grow so much.
Though I am still a member of the church(ordained a melchizedek priest in 2000) I have gone my own path. I have read and spoken with many people of many religions and faiths and I've been able to discern my own path in the clutter of religions out there.
I am not christian and I am not wiccan. I could be considered pagan but I have come to refer to myself as Gnostic. It is a mantle that suits me well and I wear it with pride. I can , adn do , coexist with friends of varying religions . I feel comfortable celebrating solstice and turning around and exchaning christmas presents.
anyway..I ramble...
peace be with you all |
but I have searched long and hard over why I believe what I do, and at the end of the day Jesus is the only one that has never failed me. I like the idea of grace.. because I know that I could never earn my way to heaven..
) and my dad was in a travelling singing group. If the church doors were open, we were there. So Christianity is part and parcle of who I am. 
