| blackcloud1129 |
Posted on: 16-Sep-2011, 06:47 AM |
Replies: 14
Views: 2,289
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I cannot get any of the players to work it is stuck on AOmusic's song |
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Forum: Celtic Radio · Post Preview: #302805 |
 Pinned: Pub humour (Pages 1 2 3 ...211 )
| blackcloud1129 |
Posted on: 10-Sep-2008, 09:05 AM |
Replies: 3,156
Views: 174,685
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PUNS ALERT!
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
10. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
11. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a-head.'
12. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
15. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
16. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
18. Don't join dangerous cults, practice safe sects!
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Forum: Ye Ole Celtic Pub - Open all day, all night! · Post Preview: #261350 |
Pinned: Pub humour (Pages 1 2 3 ...211 )
| blackcloud1129 |
Posted on: 30-Jul-2008, 08:21 AM |
Replies: 3,156
Views: 174,685
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An email from Ireland to all of their brethren in the States..a point to ponder despite your political affiliation:
'We, in Ireland, can't figure out why you people are even
bothering to hold an election in the United States.
On one side, you had a pants wearing female lawyer (Hilary), married to another lawyer (Bill) who can't seem to keep his pants on, who just lost a long and heated primary against a lawyer (Obama), who goes to the wrong church, who is married to yet another lawyer, and who doesn't even like the country her husband wants to run !
Now...On the other side, you have a nice old war hero whose name starts with the appropriate 'Mc' terminology, married to a good looking younger woman who owns a beer distributorship !!
What in God's name are ya lads thinkin over in the colonies !
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Forum: Ye Ole Celtic Pub - Open all day, all night! · Post Preview: #255908 |
Pinned: Pub humour (Pages 1 2 3 ...211 )
| blackcloud1129 |
Posted on: 03-Jul-2008, 09:29 AM |
Replies: 3,156
Views: 174,685
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> exercise for people over 50
> Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have
> plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each
> hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold
> them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and
> then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position
> for just a bit longer.
>
> After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try
> 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you
> can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms
> straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)
>
> After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each
> sack
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Forum: Ye Ole Celtic Pub - Open all day, all night! · Post Preview: #254001 |
Pinned: Pub humour (Pages 1 2 3 ...211 )
| blackcloud1129 |
Posted on: 30-Jun-2008, 12:34 PM |
Replies: 3,156
Views: 174,685
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THE MUSTARD STORY
I love mustard. As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection: a thick slab of ham on a fresh bun with crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, Gourmet Mustard.
The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands, but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.
'Here, hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich,' she said.
I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers.
I love mustard.
I had no napkin.
I licked it off.
It was not mustard.
No man ever put a baby down faster.
It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding out.
With a washcloth in each hand, I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue.
Later, after she stopped crying from laughing so hard, my wife Said, 'Now you know why they call that fancy mustard 'Poupon.''
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Forum: Ye Ole Celtic Pub - Open all day, all night! · Post Preview: #253751 |
Pinned: Pub humour (Pages 1 2 3 ...211 )
| blackcloud1129 |
Posted on: 30-Jun-2008, 12:30 PM |
Replies: 3,156
Views: 174,685
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A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike
English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'
A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two
groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves
whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each
group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that 'computer' should
definitely be of the
feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:
1 No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers
is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for
possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be
Masculine ('el computador'), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time
they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a
little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
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Forum: Ye Ole Celtic Pub - Open all day, all night! · Post Preview: #253749 |
Pinned: Pub humour (Pages 1 2 3 ...211 )
| blackcloud1129 |
Posted on: 23-Jun-2008, 08:01 AM |
Replies: 3,156
Views: 174,685
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A Condensed Version of History
For those who slept through World History 101...... here is a condensed version.
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all of history were:
1. The invention of beer, and
2. The invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer, and the beer to the man.
These facts formed the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals
2. Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BB Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men.
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs, the evolution of the Hollywood actor, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide all the meat and beer that conservatives provided.
Over the years, Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history.......
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Forum: Ye Ole Celtic Pub - Open all day, all night! · Post Preview: #253187 |
Pinned: Pub humour (Pages 1 2 3 ...211 )
| blackcloud1129 |
Posted on: 11-Jun-2008, 07:40 AM |
Replies: 3,156
Views: 174,685
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> I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it.
> So I said 'Implants?' She hit me.
>
> How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over
fifty for Miss America ?
>
> I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting
clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in
the first place!
>
> When I was young we used to go 'skinny dipping,' now I just 'chunky
dunk.'
> Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the
difference.
>
> Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply
press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!
>
> Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but t hey can in
prison?
>
> Wouldn't you know it....
> Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
>
> Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments
cannot be displayed outside?
>
> Bumper sticker of the year:
> 'If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank
a soldier'
>
> And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to
the end, the faster it goes.
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Forum: Ye Ole Celtic Pub - Open all day, all night! · Post Preview: #252017 |
Pinned: Pub humour (Pages 1 2 3 ...211 )
| blackcloud1129 |
Posted on: 20-May-2008, 07:42 AM |
Replies: 3,156
Views: 174,685
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THE ZEN OF SARCASM (Wisdom)
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
3. Its always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don't succeed, sky diving is probably not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.
12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like "The Force." It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
19. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night
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Forum: Ye Ole Celtic Pub - Open all day, all night! · Post Preview: #249452 |
Pinned: Pub humour (Pages 1 2 3 ...211 )
| blackcloud1129 |
Posted on: 05-May-2008, 10:17 AM |
Replies: 3,156
Views: 174,685
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WHICH HOLE AM I ON?
A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.
'I'm on the 7th hole,' she replied, 'and you are a hole behind me. So you must be on the 6th hole.'
He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request. \
'I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be on the 13th hole.'
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.
He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, 'Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you're in the sales profession. I'm in sales, also. What do you sell?'
'I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh,' she replied.
'No, I won't.'
'Well, if you must know,' she answered, 'I work for Tampax.'
With that, he laughed so hard he lost his balance and fell off the bar stool.
'See,' she said. 'I knew you'd laugh!'
'That's not what I'm laughing at,' he replied, 'I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you.'
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Forum: Ye Ole Celtic Pub - Open all day, all night! · Post Preview: #246942 |
Pinned: Pub humour (Pages 1 2 3 ...211 )
| blackcloud1129 |
Posted on: 23-Apr-2008, 10:23 AM |
Replies: 3,156
Views: 174,685
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Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored us and c ontinued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So my wife called him a shithead. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.
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Forum: Ye Ole Celtic Pub - Open all day, all night! · Post Preview: #245470 |
Pinned: Pub humour (Pages 1 2 3 ...211 )
| blackcloud1129 |
Posted on: 23-Apr-2008, 09:24 AM |
Replies: 3,156
Views: 174,685
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> What is the difference between girls/woman aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68, and 78 ?
> At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.
> At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.
> At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
> At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
> At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.
> At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.
> At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!
> At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you???
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Forum: Ye Ole Celtic Pub - Open all day, all night! · Post Preview: #245460 |
Pinned: Pub humour (Pages 1 2 3 ...211 )
| blackcloud1129 |
Posted on: 02-Apr-2008, 07:50 AM |
Replies: 3,156
Views: 174,685
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A little girl asked her Mom, 'Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?' Mom replies, 'No, because she is in heat.'
'What's that mean?' asked the child.
'Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'
The little girl goes to the garage and says, 'Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.'
Dad said, 'Bring Belle over here.' He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said
'OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block.'
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Belle?'
The little girl said, 'She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'
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Forum: Ye Ole Celtic Pub - Open all day, all night! · Post Preview: #241507 |
Pinned: Pub humour (Pages 1 2 3 ...211 )
| blackcloud1129 |
Posted on: 31-Mar-2008, 07:09 AM |
Replies: 3,156
Views: 174,685
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> Bunny and the snake
>
>
> ----- One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and
> tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy little
> nose.
>
> 'Oh please excuse me,' said the bunny. 'I didn't mean to trip over you,
> but
> I'm blind and can't see.'
> 'That's perfectly all right,' replied the snake. 'To be sure, it was my
> fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you
> coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?'
>
> 'Well, I really don't know,' said the bunny. 'I'm blind, and I've never
> seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.'
>
> So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, 'Well, you're soft,
> and
> cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little Fluffy tail and a dear
> twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!'
>
>
> The bunny said, 'I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of
> animal are you?'
> The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to
> examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, 'Well,
> what
> kind of an animal am I?'
>
>
> The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, 'you?re cold,
> you're
> slippery, and you haven't got any balls...You must be a POLITICIAN |
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Forum: Ye Ole Celtic Pub - Open all day, all night! · Post Preview: #241209 |
Pinned: Pub humour (Pages 1 2 3 ...211 )
| blackcloud1129 |
Posted on: 27-Mar-2008, 08:11 AM |
Replies: 3,156
Views: 174,685
|
The Monument
I have the distinguished honor of being on the Committee to raise
$5,000,000 for a monument of Hillary R. Clinton. We originally wanted
to put her on Mount Rushmore until we discovered there was not enough
room for her two faces.
We then decided to erect a statue of Hillary in the Washington, D.C.
Hall of Fame. We were in a quandary as to where the statue should be
placed. It was not proper to place it beside the statue of George
Washington, who never told a lie, or beside her husband William J.
Clinton, who never told the truth, since Hillary could never tell the
difference.
We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the
greatest Democrat of them all. He left not knowing where he was
going, and when he got there he did not know where he was. He
returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on someone
else's money.
Thank you, Hillary R. Clinton Monument Committee
P. S. The Committee has raised $1.35 so far.
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Forum: Ye Ole Celtic Pub - Open all day, all night! · Post Preview: #240766 |
Pinned: Pub humour (Pages 1 2 3 ...211 )
| blackcloud1129 |
Posted on: 25-Mar-2008, 09:06 AM |
Replies: 3,156
Views: 174,685
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Three blondes died, and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He
told them that before they could enter the kingdom of heaven they had to
tell him what Easter was.
The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast
and everybody gives thanks and eats turkey.
St. Peter said, "NOOOOOO!" and banished her.
The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and
exchange gifts."
St. Peter said, "NOOOOOO!", and banished her.
The third blonde said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides
with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover Feast
with his disciples when he was betrayed by Judas and the Romans arrested
him. The Romans hung him on the cross and eventually he died. Then they
buried him in a tomb behind a very large boulder."
St. Peter said, "Very Good!"
Then the blonde continued, "Now every year they roll away the boulder
and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow we have six more weeks of
basketball."
St. Peter fainted
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Forum: Ye Ole Celtic Pub - Open all day, all night! · Post Preview: #240438 |
Pinned: Pub humour (Pages 1 2 3 ...211 )
| blackcloud1129 |
Posted on: 12-Mar-2008, 09:21 AM |
Replies: 3,156
Views: 174,685
|
Hillary's Future
After Bill had spent several days campaigning for her and lost his temper many times, costing her votes, and finally escaping from her overly controlling campaign manager for the evening, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute.
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic
delivered grave news.
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself
to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year just after you lose the election." Then, the soothsayer looked up and locked eyes with Hillary.
Hillary stared back at the woman's lined face, then at the single
flickering candle, then down at her shaking hands.
She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.
She simply had to know.
She looked back, deep into the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her the big question:
"Will I be acquitted?"
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