Pub humour, Jokes o'plenty

A Bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of their sudden death. The leader of the discussion said, " We will all die some day, and none of us really know when, but if we did we would all do a better job of preparing ourselves for that inevitable event."

"Everybody nodded their heads in agreement with this comment."

Then the leader said to the group, "What would you do if you knew you only had 4 weeks of life remaining before your death, and then the Great Judgment Day?"

A gentleman said, " I would go out into my community and minister the Gospel to those that have not yet accepted the Lord into their lives."

"Very good!" ,said the group leader, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do.

One lady spoke up and said enthusiastically, "I would dedicate all of my remaining time to serving God, my family, my church, and my fellow man with a greater conviction."

"That's wonderful!" the group leader commented, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do.

But one gentleman in the back finally spoke up loudly and said, "I would go to my mother-in-laws house for the 4 weeks."

Everyone was puzzled by this answer, and the group leader ask, "Why your mother-in-laws home?"

Then the gentleman smiled sarcastically and said, "Because, that would be the longest 4 weeks of my life!"


Slàinte,    

Patch    

Good Joke. However for real, a guy was knocking on doors and telling parents he was officially measuring children and their underwear. (boys and girls ages 9-16. They ACTUALLY let him do it!!) I think it was in Cincinnati Ohio. It does not say much for the intelligence of the parents or the older children! They did catch the guy! Truth is at least as funny as fiction!

Slàinte,    

Patch    

Suppose you were an idiot.
And suppose you were a member of Congress....
But then I repeat myself.
-Mark Twain

I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
-Winston Churchill

A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
-.George Bernard Shaw

A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man ...which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.
-G Gordon Liddy

Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.
-James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
-Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
-P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.
-Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)

Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
-Ronald Reagan (1986)

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
-Will Rogers

If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free!
-P.J. O'Rourke

In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.
-Voltaire (1764)

Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you!
-Pericles (430 B.C.)

No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.
-Mark Twain (1866)

Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it.
-Unknown

The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.
-Ronald Reagan

The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
-Winston Churchill

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
-Mark Twain

The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.
-Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)

There is no distinctly Native American criminal class...save Congress.
-Mark Twain

What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
-Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)

A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.
-Thomas Jefferson

Slàinte,    

Patch    

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. 'You know what?' says the 6 year old.

'I think it's about time we started cussing.



The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, 'When we go downstairs for breakfast,

I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass..'

The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies,

'Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.'
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying

his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room

and shouts, 'You can stay there until I let you out!'


She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want

for breakfast, young man?' I don't know, he blubbers, 'but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!'

Slàinte,    

Patch    

Good Joke. However for real, a guy was knocking on doors and telling parents he was officially measuring children and their underwear. (boys and girls ages 9-16. They ACTUALLY let him do it!!) I think it was in Cincinnati Ohio. It does not say much for the intelligence of the parents or the older children! They did catch the guy! Truth is at least as funny as fiction!

Slàinte,    

Patch    

That shows how much people DON'T think!

A kid called up his mom from his college and asked her for some money, because he ran out of it.

Mom said, 'Sure, sweetie. I'll send you some money. You also left your calculus book here when you visited 2 weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?'

'Uh, oh yeah, OK,' responded the kid.

So Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book.

When she gets back, Dad asked, 'Well how much did you give the boy this time?

Mom said, 'Oh, I wrote 2 checks, one for $20, and the other for $1000'

'That's $1020!!!' yelled Dad, 'Are you crazy???'

'Don't worry hon,' Mom said, as she kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, 'I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1000 one somewhere between the pages in Chapter 19!'

Slàinte,    

Patch    

I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window.

Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER OVER SEATTLE." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.

The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

Slàinte,    
Patch    

The final test!!!


Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to
line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy,
beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie and they were told
that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be
ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction.
She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests
until she got to the final priest, Carlos.

Poor Carlos.

As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering
across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.

Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest and
bent over to pick it up.

Then all the other bells started to ring....

There in is the problem with Celibacy in the Catholic Church!

Slàinte,    

Patch    


















1

There in is the problem with Celibacy in the Catholic Church!

Slàinte,    

Patch    


















1

You think so??????

You're funny Patch...

LOA

A man goes to his doctor and says, "I don't think my wife's hearing is as good as it used to be. What should I do?"

The doctor replies, "Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn't respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you."

The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, "What's for dinner, honey?"

He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again.

Still no response, so he moves to five feet. Again, no answer.

Finally he stands directly behind her and says, "Honey, what's for supper?"

She replies, "For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!"

Slàinte,    

Patch    

A man whose wife was going into labor dialed 911 in a panic. When the dispatcher answered, he cried, "My wife is having a baby. Her contractions are only two minutes apart. What do I do?"

The dispatcher said, "Calm down. Is this her first child?"

"No," the frantic man replied. "This is her husband."


Slàinte,    

Patch    

FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica
45 volumes
Excelent condition
$1000.00 or best offer.
No longer needed
Got married last weekend.
Wife knows everything!

Slàinte,    

Patch    

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard; I could tell
from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was
well taken care of.

He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head;
he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the
hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'

Slàinte,    

Patch