Pub humour, Jokes o'plenty

[Patch]

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding
anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.

She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being
loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'

The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my
darling husband.'

The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen
Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but
an opportunity like this will never come again.

I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than
me.'

The wife, and t
he fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92
years old.

The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful morons should remember
fairies are female.....

Slàinte,     

Patch    

[Patch]

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service
this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept
money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The cop is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up there
is a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The professor is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber opens his shop,
there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful'.

Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies ,'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental
difference between the citizens of our country and the members of our Congress.

Vote carefully this year.

Slàinte,    

Patch    

[Patch]

Handicap Golf
A guy about to tee off was approached by a man who held out a card that read, "I am a deaf mute. May I please play through?"

The first man gave the card back, angrily shaking his head, and saying, "No, you CANNOT play through." He assumed the guy read lips so he mouthed, "I can't believe you would try to use your handicap to your own advantage like that! Shame on you!"

The deaf man walked away and the first man whacked the ball onto the green and then walked off to finish the hole.

Just as he was about to put the ball into the hole he was hit in the head with a golf ball that knocked him out cold.

When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the deaf mute sternly looking at him, one hand on his hip, the other hand holding up four fingers.


Slàinte,    

Patch    

[Patch]

What I Want In A Man, Original List ... (at age 22)

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially Successful
4. A Caring Listener
5. Witty
6. In Good Shape
7. Dresses with Style
8. Appreciates the Finer Things
9. Full of Thoughtful Surprises
10. An Imaginative, Romantic Lover

* * *

What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 32)

1. Nice Looking preferably with hair on his head
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner at restaurant
4. Listens more than he talks
5. Laughs at my jokes at appropriate times
6. Can carry in all the groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home cooked meal
9. Remembers Birthdays and Anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

* * *

What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 42)

1. Not too ugly bald head OK
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady, splurges on dinner at McDonnald's on occasion
4. Nods head at appropriate times when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers the punchlines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Usually wears shirt that covers stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screwtop lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down
10. Shaves on most weekends

* * *

What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 52)

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed to appropriate length
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep while I'm emoting
5. Doesn't retell same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on Weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV Dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves on some weekends

* * *

What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 62)

1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when awake (LOUDLY when asleep)
5. Forgets why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers when...

* * *

What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 72)

1. Breathing

As I approach 72 it is comforting to know that I will not have to meet such high standards.

Slàinte,    

Patch    

[Patch]

A guy gets pulled over for speeding 88 MPH in a 45
zone. The cop asks for his drivers license and the guy
says, "I'm sorry officer, but my license was suspended
after my 5th DUI."

The cop asks for his registration and the guy says,
"It's in the glove compartment, but it's not in my name
because I stole this car in a car jacking and I killed
the woman that owns the car and stuffed her in the
trunk and the gun I used is in the glove compartment.
At this point the cop tells the guy to keep his hands
in sight and he radios for back-up.

When a supervisor shows up, the cop tells him the story
and he walks up to the guy in the car. The supervisor
asks to see the guy's drivers license and the guy hands
it over and it is valid with the guys real name and
information.

The supervisor asks for the registration and the guy
says, "It's in the Glove compartment." The supervisor
tells the guy to keep his hands in sight and walks
around to the passenger side and opens the glove
compartment. There is the registration in the guys
name and everything seems in order.

Next the supervisor asks the guy to get out and open
the trunk. The guy opens the trunk and the only thing
there is a spare tire.

At this point the supervisor tells the guy what the
other cop had told him. The guy says "I'll bet that
lying A--Hole told you I was speeding too!"

Slàinte,    

Patch    

[Patch]

A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an eight-hour shift.

Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.

When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat, she says: 'Well, that's great....that's just great....some a--hole's got my pen!'

Slàinte,   

 Patch    

[mainopsman]

The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced Pee-Ka-Boo)
is not just an athlete...she is now a nurse currently working at an
Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital.
She is not permitted to answer the hospital telephones any
longer.
It caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and
say,
Picabo, I.C.U.


JIM

[mainopsman]

A sick man walks into his doctor's office. He has an orange stuck in one ear, an apple shoved in the other ear, and a banana hanging out of one nostril.
The nurse makes the sick man sign the usual paper work, the escorts the sick man to one of the waiting rooms. After a short wait, the doctor comes in to see the man.
The sick man says to the doctor, "Doc! You gotta help me! I feel horrible! I can hardly breath, I can hardly hear, I don't know what's wrong with me!"
The doctor say to the sick man, "Take it easy, I can fix you up in no time. This is an easy diagnosis. You're just not eating right!"

JIM

[mainopsman]

A pharmacist is going over the directions on a prescription bottle with an elderly patient.
"Be sure not to take this more often than every 4 hours," the pharmacist says.

"Don't worry," replies the patient. "It takes me 4 hours to get the lid off".

JIM

[mainopsman]

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint.

Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: 'It is illegal to put 5
people in a Quattro, Quattro means four'

'Quattro is just the name of the automobile,' the Englishman retorts
disbelievingly. 'Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry
five persons.''

You cannot pull that one on me,' replies Paddy 'Quattro means four.
You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law.

'The Englishmen replies angrily, 'You idiot ! Call your supervisor
over I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!'

'Sorry,' responds Paddy, 'Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno.'

JIM

[mainopsman]

6 degrees of blonde

`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*

FIRST DEGREE

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.

The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone,

listened a moment and said 'How should I know,

that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.

The husband said, 'Who was that?' The wife said, 'I don't know,

some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'

`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*

SECOND DEGREE

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on

the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the

mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.' The second blonde

says, 'Here, let me see!' So the first blonde hands her the compact.

The second one looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'

`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,. -:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*

THIRD DEGREE

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her,

so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment

unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him

in the arms of a redhead.

Well, the blonde is really angry.

She opens her purse to take out the gun,

and as she does so, she is overcome with grief.

She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'

The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'

`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*

FOURTH DEGREE

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.

She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, I know all of t hem.'

A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'

The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy: W.'

`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*

FIFTH DEGREE

What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

'Is it mine?'

`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*

SIXTH DEGREE

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house

ransacked and burglarized.

She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio,

and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash,

the blonde ran out on the porch,

shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog,

then sat down on the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned,

'I come home to find all my possessions stolen.

I call the police for help, and what do they do?

They send me a BLIND policeman.'

JIM

`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*

[mainopsman]

A Couple at long last determined that their years of marrage had to come to an end. After many attempts at reconciliation, enough was enough, and they decided to go to an attorney.

The attorney asked the husband, "what has brought you to the point where you're unable to keep this marriage together?"

"I think it's because in 20 years of marriage we haven't been able to agree on one thing," he said.

"Twenty one," the wife responded

JIM

[mainopsman]

A police officer stops a young woman for speeding and politely asks to see her license.

She relies, in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you expect me to show it to you!"

JIM

Just another day in the life a traffic officer!!!

[mainopsman]

Famous Last Words:

A man'swife had just bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. She sat in front of the mirror for what seemed to be hours applying the "miracle" products. Finally, when she finished, she turned to her husband and said, "Honey, honestly now, what age would you say I am?"

He nodded his head slowly, then carefully said, "Well, judging from your skin, 20. Your hair....hmmmm, 18, and your figure, 25."

"Oh you're so sweet!" She gushed.

"Well hang on I'm not done adding it all up yet."



JIM

[mainopsman]

After finishing his extensive examination, the doctor looked at his patient and said, "I can't find the exact cause of your trouble, but it's probably due to drinking too much."

The patient replied, "Gee, Doc, I'm sorry to hear that. I'll come back when you're sober."

JIM