Pub humour, Jokes o'plenty

An unhappy wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked.

"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied.

So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.

"Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"

"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"

Slàinte,  

Patch

Computer users are divided into three types:

Novice, Intermediate and Expert.

Novice Users - People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer.

Intermediate Users - People who don't know how to fix their computer after they've just pressed a key that broke it.

Expert Users - People who press the keys that break other people's computers.

Slàinte,  

Patch

While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 50 years ago.

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been my classmate.

After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Central high school.

"Yes," he replied.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

He answered, "In 1952."

"Why, you were in my class!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely and then asked, "What did you teach?"

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Patch

Little Johnny's father said, "Let me see your report card."

Johnny replied, "I don't have it."

"Why not?" His father asked.

"My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

Slàinte,  

Patch

There once was a business owner who was interviewing
people for a division manager position. He decided to
select the individual that could answer the question
"How much is 2+2?" The engineer pulled out his slide
rule and shuffled it back and forth, and finally announced,
"It lies between 3.98 and 4.02." The mathematician said,
"In two hours I can demonstrate it equals 4 with the
following short proof." The attorney stated, "In the case of
Stevenson vs. the State, 2+2 was declared to be 4."
The trader asked, "Are you buying or selling?"
The accountant looked at the business owner, got out of
his chair, went to see if anyone was listening at the door,
and pulled the drapes. Then he returned to the business
owner, leaned across the desk and said in a low voice,
"What would you like it to be?"

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Patch

People were in their pews talking at church. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, 'Don't you know who I am?'

The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'

'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.

'Don't you realize I can kill with a word?' asked Satan.

'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.

'Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying, AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.

'Yep,' was the calm reply.

'And you're still not afraid?' asked Satan.

'Nope,' said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Well, why aren't you afraid of me?'

The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 44 years.

Another in the same vein.

Paddy enjoyed partaking of brew and was well known and welcomed at all the local pubs.

Poor little Brenda, his wife, was at her witts end. She decided to talk with Father O'Malley about Paddy's drinking.

The good Father listened to Brenda's problem and after brief consideration offered this solution.

He told Brenda that in Paddy's cases the only solution was to scare him enough to cause him to give up his "bad" habit. He suggested that Brenda dress up as the Devil and hide in the bushes near their cottage before Paddy came home from the Pub that night. When Paddy got near, she was to jump out and tell paddy she was the devil and if he didn't change his ways he would burn in hell for all eternity.

Brenda did his and Paddy was taken aback momentarily. Then he said, "A top of the evening to ye. Come right on and we will have a wee drink together. By the way, ye did know I married yer sister didn't ye?"

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Patch

Patch,You have some great ones here!

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman,
"I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll post you a cheque."
"Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you..
But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"
"I REPEAT; DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's flat the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen.
But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.
Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,

"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied,
"Get him, Spike!"

ballydun

I have at least several hundred more. I just have to find them.

One should try to have at least one good laugh a day to improve ones health!

Slàinte,   

Patch

The Laws Of Golf


LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.

LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.

LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?

LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.

LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).

LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."

LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.

Slàinte,    

Patch

Many of you have no doubt seen paintings of Clansmen going into battle. A horse and rider with a Clan warrior holding each stirrup. There has been some question as to why this was done. Well the truth can now be told. The Clansmen found it was important that the horse and rider arrive on the field of battle as quickly as they did!

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Patch

Good joke

I figured out how to do a Quote!!

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Patch

A young technician and his general manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.

After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young tech are interested in each because they are giving each other "looks." Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of the smack of a kiss followed by the sound of the smack of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word.

The grandmother is thinking to herself: "It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him."

The General manager is setting there thinking: "I didn't know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped and hit me!"

The young woman was sitting and thinking: "I'm glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!"

The young tech sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself: "Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his general manager all at the same time!!

Slàinte,   

Patch