Pub humour, Jokes o'plenty

[Jimmy Carbomb]

Okay then...

What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?

One less drunk.

[Jimmy Carbomb]

A blonde Irish woman calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I'd want you to relax. Let's have a Guinness, and then ..." he sighed, "let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

[tartangal]

LOL. OH I liked those!
                          Jules

[Jimmy Carbomb]

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive Irish blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
She opened it then slammed it shut & stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again.  Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
To which she replied, "There certainly is!"
My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."

[free2Bme]

A guy walks into a bar and notices two pieces of meat on the ceiling. He asks the bar man for a pint and the bar man asks, "Don't you want to participate in our competition?" The guy asks "What's it all about?"

The barman informs him, "All you have to do is get those pieces of meat off the ceiling and you get a free pint! If you fail, you have to buy the whole pub a drink."

The guy replies, "No I don't think so mate .................the steaks are too high!"

[Keltic]

The Pope arrives at JFK airport and is met by a limo driver. The limo driver loads the Popes bags into the trunk of the limo and gets into car. The driver looks up and notices that the Pope is still standing outside of the car. The limo driver asks if something is wrong and the Pope says "In all the years that I have been Pope, I have always had somebody drive for me. Just this once, I want to drive."

The driver says to the Pope that he will lose his job and the Pope replies "I am the Pope and I want to drive."

Knowing that he can't win this one, the driver climbs into the backseat and with tires squealing, the Pope takes off. Heading down the highway at 100 MPH, the limo is pulled over by the police. The officer gets out of his car and approaches the driver side of the car. The Pope lowers the window and the officer heads right back to his car and onto the radio.

"Captain, we have a problem"
"What is it?"
"I just pulled over a car doing 100 MPH on the highway"
"Well, give him a ticket. What's the problem?"
"You don't understand... this guy's a bigwig"
"Even more of a reason to give him a ticket. Make an example of him"
"You don't understand... this guys really big"
"Who is it? Is it the Mayor?"
"No. Bigger!"
"Is it the President?"
"No. Even bigger than that?"
"Well, who is it then?"
"I'm not sure but he has the Pope as a driver!"

[aklassie]

LOL

[Jimmy Carbomb]

Want to know the true history of how copper wire was invented?

It was two Scotsmen fighting over a penny.

[free2Bme]

Those were pretty good erns'

I can believe that about the copper wire!

I pinch my pennies so tightly that heads and tails are on the same side!

[kyladdie]

There was a Scotsman who walked in a pub only to find he was alone except for the bartender, who was on the telephone off in a far corner of the pub.
The man sits down while waiting to order a pint, and suddenly he hears a voice saying, "He dresses real nice!"
He looks around, but there is nobody around except him and the bartender, who is still on the phone.
The man shouts, "Did you say something to me?" to the bartender across the room.
The bartender shakes his head, and continues his phone call.
The man relaxes a bit, until he hears a wee little voice saying: " I like him, he has a nice voice"!
The Scotmsan jumps out of his chair and says: "I demand to know who said that?"
The bartender then ends his phone call and starts to walk over to the bar, when the Scotsman hears another wee little voice saying to him, "Aye, He has good reflexes too!"
The man says to the bartender, "Did you hear that voice? Laddie, please tell me I'm not going crazy."
The bartender reaches over and grabs a bowl full of nuts, hands them over to the man and says, " Have some nuts, they are complimentry!

[Keltic]

A recently immigrated Irishman ends up in a pub in New York. He sits in a booth alone and orders 3 pints of Guiness. After finishing his pints, he gets up and leaves. The following Friday, he returns, sits at the same table and orders 3 pints of Guiness again. This becomes a weekly occurence which doesn't go unnoticed by the bartender or the regulars.

One day, the bartender tells the man that he need not order the 3 pints at once. He has no problem returning to the table to serve the man. The Irishman explains that back home, he and his two brothers would meet at the local pub each and every Friday for a pint. Coming into this pub and ordering 3 pints every Friday made him feel like he was back home having a pint with his brothers. The bartender was touched by this and so were the regulars upon hearing the explanation.

A few months later, the man comes into the pub and orders 2 pints of Guiness. A feeling of loss comes over the bartender and the regulars and tears start flowing. This poor man must have lost a brother. The bartender brings over the mans two pints and offers his condolences. The man looks at him and says "Nobody died! I've given up drinking."

[MDF3530]

Quote (free2Bme @ May 10 2003,6:28)

Those were pretty good erns' I can believe that about the copper wire! I pinch my pennies so tightly that heads and tails are on the same side!

That's nothing!

When I pinch a penny, I can get fifty cents change!

[MDF3530]

Quote (Keltic @ May 13 2003,10:17)

A recently immigrated Irishman ends up in a pub in New York. He sits in a booth alone and orders 3 pints of Guiness. After finishing his pints, he gets up and leaves. The following Friday, he returns, sits at the same table and orders 3 pints of Guiness again. This becomes a weekly occurence which doesn't go unnoticed by the bartender or the regulars. One day, the bartender tells the man that he need not order the 3 pints at once. He has no problem returning to the table to serve the man. The Irishman explains that back home, he and his two brothers would meet at the local pub each and every Friday for a pint. Coming into this pub and ordering 3 pints every Friday made him feel like he was back home having a pint with his brothers. The bartender was touched by this and so were the regulars upon hearing the explanation. A few months later, the man comes into the pub and orders 2 pints of Guiness. A feeling of loss comes over the bartender and the regulars and tears start flowing. This poor man must have lost a brother. The bartender brings over the mans two pints and offers his condolences. The man looks at him and says "Nobody died! I've given up drinking."

I think that joke was first told by Metheuselah!

[free2Bme]

Which Metheuselah would that be...MacMetheuselah or O'Metheuselah ?  

[MDF3530]

Quote (free2Bme @ May 14 2003,8:32)

Which Metheuselah would that be...MacMetheuselah or O'Metheuselah ?

Tough choice...Ian MacMetheuselah or Padraig (Paddy) O'Metheuselah...hmmm...might have to think that one over...