Really Bad Advice

[ogdenmusic]

To thank her properly you need to give her all the proceeds from the sale at the craft show and then send her off on a Caribbean cruise paid for by you.

I have $20.00 dollars to last me until my next paycheck, which I get in a week. Bills are due and the bill collectors are calling. What should I do?

[LadyOfAvalon]

Get drunk and fake amnesia and talk to the collectors in french.But try not to do it the next month again...

I have a husband who really have a bad habit and it is to wait when the gas is almost dry in the tank before filling it. What can I do to remedy this habit of his? Plse don't tell me wait 'til you get stuck on the side of the road,because it already happened and nothing's change.

[ogdenmusic]

True story, I had a habit of running on empty. My wife threatened bodily harm if we ever ran out of gas. So I suggest carrying a big club in the car. I never run on empty anymore.

I have just come across the abundant Halloween Candy my wife has hidden for the tricker treaters later this month. I really have a craving for sweets what should I do?

[pflanary]

Eat all you want. Who needs candy for Trick or Treaters anyway? Have fun washing the eggs off your windows.

My job makes me so tense that my abs are tied in knots, what should I do?

[haynes9]

Advertise the fact that your tense job gives you tight abs! You'll make a fortune off the infomercial market!

Tomorrow will make the 3rd day this week that I have had to take our cat to the vet. What should I do to fix this cat's ear?

[ogdenmusic]

Buy some ear wax removal and then flush it out with alcohol. (poor kitty )

The building space our company leases is being turned into high rise condos and the company is deciding whether or not just to close the office rather than move to a new location. What should I do?

[LadyOfAvalon]

Go on welfare!!!You'll get more money than working.

I can't see the computer screen clearly with my glasses it's either too far or too near. What should I do?

[ogdenmusic]

The problem is your glasses. You need to get some really T H I C K
coke bottle glasses with black frames and you will be able to see
the computer screen better.

I just went outside to start the car and accidently locked the keys
in the car while it's running. What should I do

[haynes9]

Open the gas cap and start siphoning out the gas! At these prices, you don't want to waste a bit of this liquid gold! Then the car will stop and you can bust a window to get in !

I have so many projects to do around the house and the church to get ready for winter, I'm not sure which ones to do first. What criteria should I use to prioritize my projects?

[ogdenmusic]

You should prioritize in the following manner. Have your wife do all the church work and have the kids do the work around the house. Then sit back and think of some more work you can have them do. I'm sure you'll have all the spare time you can use.

I got pulled over today for speeding. 90 in a 55 mile an hour speed zone. My wife doesn't know and the ticket is going to be $95.00 fine. What should I do.

[haynes9]

Tell her that you are sick and tired of the low pay that law enforcement officials receive. Explain that you have written a $95.00 check in her name to honor these folks and help with their pensions. Then hope she never questions you about it!!

I have to fill 25 sandbags and am having trouble getting the time to work it into my schedule. What should I drop so I can get this job done?

[John Clements]

Why don’t you just ask the members of CR to send you a bag of sand, (I’m sure they can all afford the UPS charge.) Or, maybe you should just stop playing the games on CR, and fill the bags yourself? (Spending time on CR, something I’m guilty of myself.)

Ever since the anti Christ got into office. (Speaking metaphorically of course) I’ve been all consumed with politics and world affairs. Out side of mainlining, does anyone have any ideas? (Sorry, but I did say I was all consumed…didn’t I?)

[LadyOfAvalon]

You should shave a little round spot on your head and wear a robe instead of long hair and a kilt. Monks are not consumed by politics.

I had renovation done in the house and now it's filthy with dust everywhere.Can't seem to be rid of the darn stuff.What should I do?

[haynes9]

Hey, Lady A, let's make this dreary task a fun one! Wrap yourself up in cellophane. Then, attach tape all over the cellophane and start rolling around through the house. You'll pick up all the stray dust and all the kids in the neighborhood will think that you are really a lot of fun. Of curse, when your family members call for the men with the little white jacket to take you to the "nice place," well . . .

I have got a well meaning group of folks coming out here in two weeks to bring about 100 boxes of "goodies" for distribution. Many of the goodies are not decent enough to give out and we don't have room to store 100 boxes. Any suggestions?

[LadyOfAvalon]

You can always use the boxes as the ( i don't know how many) sand bags that you need for the winter.

I have this funny noise that started on my car and it's driving me nuts because I just don't know where it's coming from.What should I do to find out where and what it is?