Two Elderly Woman

Two British traffic patrol officers from North Berwick were involved in an unusual incident while checking for speeding motorists on the A-1 Great North Road. One of the officers used a hand-held radar device to check the speed of a vehicle approaching over the crest of a hill, and was surprised when the speed was recorded at over 300 mph. Their radar suddenly stopped working and the officers were not able to reset it.

Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact latched on to a NATO Tornado fighter jet, which was engaged in a low-flying exercise over the Border district, approaching from the North Sea.

Back at police headquarters, the chief constable fired off a stiff complaint to the RAF Liaison office. Back came the reply in true laconic RAF style:

"Thank you for your message, which allows us to complete the file on this incident. You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Tornado had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked onto, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it.

"Furthermore, an air-to-ground missile aboard the fully-armed aircraft had also automatically locked onto your equipment.

"Fortunately, the pilot flying the Tornado recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile systems alert status, and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched and your hostile radar installation was destroyed. Good Day..."

JIM (mainopsman)

A few for the road!!!

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: 'A beer please, and one for the road.'

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: 'Does this taste funny to you?'

7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'' 'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.' 'Is it common?' Well, 'It's Not Unusual.'

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.' 'I don't believe you,' says Dolly. 'It's true, no bull!' exclaims D aisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!'

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says 'Dam!'.

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. 'But why?', they asked, as they moved off. 'Because', he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'

18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'The y're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to her friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

JIM (mainopsman)

DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER THE FOLLOWING:


Dear Abby,

&n bsp;A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?



Dear Abby,

What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence
On My VCR?



Dear Abby,

I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.



Dear Abby,

I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.


Dear Abby,

I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.


Dear Abby,

Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby,

I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?


Dear Abby,

My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for tw o and a half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby,

I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.




Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going through mental pause.

Dear Abby,

You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?




Remember these people can vote!!


JIM (mainopsman)

Only in America. Sorry Buddy you got 'em please keep'em


Camac.

It helps one to understand how we got in this mess. I watch Jay Leno's "on the street interviews" and his "college quiz contest". He presents both as humor but considering they can vote, it is frightening!

Slàinte,    

Patch