Celtic Radio Community [Powered by Invision Power Board]

Printable Version of Topic
Click here to view this topic in its original format

Celtic Radio Community > The Grove > Telling The Parents

Posted by: Findabhair 23-Aug-2008, 01:05 AM

I was baptised christian. My father was wiccan but left when i was little (only recently found out about the wiccan thing but my family on his side has been practicing for generations), my step dad is a cuban spiritualist, and my mother is for anything BUT wicca. My stepfather who is my dad at home wouldnt really care except the fact that my biological father practices. My mother would most likely disown me because of the bad expierences with my father (he used it for the wrong reasons and inflicted emotional distresses on my mother).

Ok Here is my dilemma~ I have been quietly practicing wicca but cannot fully come out because I'm still living at home. I started to practice/ learn about it approx two years ago which was before I learned about my father. I believe that my choice in this religion is for the right reasons but I don't know how to tell my parents. It seems that it was meant for me because it feels so right even when my fathers influence was not a factor.

Any advice?

Posted by: stoirmeil 23-Aug-2008, 01:37 AM

Hello, Findabhair, and welcome to Celtic Radio.

I think you're not alone in this question. I have a question in return -- if you have been slowly learning for two years, more or less quietly and on your own, is there something that is moving you to disclose your practice and your spirituality to your parents lately, especially to your mother, and when you know that she may not be able to be supportive of you at this time, or think clearly about what it might mean to you? Some people have a family tradition they just grow up in -- some find a group fairly soon in their development that become like family -- and some grow slowly and quietly on their own for quite some time. All those ways work.

What is it that you need right now, that telling your elders will be a positive aid to?

Posted by: Findabhair 23-Aug-2008, 04:06 PM

I feel like I'm lying to them. I go on with my daily life and pretend to be who they want me to be. I would like to be able to show my true self to them and not to have to hide it. I guess the reason for the wanting to tell them now would be the fact that I've been feeling un complete as a person because I'm living two lives, the one they want to see and my own which well I cant show.

Posted by: Dade Emeraldstone 23-Aug-2008, 06:16 PM

It depends on your family truly. Has religion ever been brought up at home? Was it an open, rational discussion? Even if their was a misunderstanding, did they rationally spell out what they didn't understand?

That played a big roll in my decision.

Posted by: JayHenson 24-Aug-2008, 02:09 PM

What is it that you want to show? Because you are "in the closet" as a Wiccan (sorry, best analogy I know) you can't sacrifice chickens in the living room? My point is, how would you be/act different? "Now that mom knows, I can wear that Goth outfit I have hidden in the black chest with my alter supplies"? I know I am using stereotypes and I am sorry if it hits wrong, but please look at the point and realize I am NOT trying to offend.
If your daily life isn't really going to be affected, then let sleeping witches lie. Ask yourself if the need for her to know and not to "lie" to her is worth the emotional pain that telling her may cause. In other words are you doing it (telling her) for her or for your own selfishness (showing your grown up and can choose your own path), or to clear your conscience, as it were..
Are there other areas of your life that she doesn't know about, that you have lied about in order to spare either her or yourself some bad feelings or embarrassment? (homework, sex[with yourself or someone else], partying, drinking, etc...) How is this different?

My suggestion, while in her house, let it rest, when you move out you can set up your house/life/etc... how you want. If she ever notices or asks about it, then the opening for the discussion is now presented. Tell her just what you told us, how you didn't want to hurt her. She may be a bit peeved that you didn't trust her but she will also see that you cared about her feelings.

Remember...Harm none........

Good luck and hope I helped. I really do understand as I have been in that position on a different matter.

Posted by: Harlot 24-Aug-2008, 03:06 PM

Hello, Finabhair I am a ,mother of a man who practices wicca and started some years back. Within the last year he has told me what he was doing. At first my thought was back magic, evil, and the bad stuff I had running around in my head. While I thought we had a better mother son relationship than that ( I am very open minded ) I asked him why he felt he couldn't tell me, his answer was because of where he learned about it. He was in prison and had made friends with some who practice it there. He explained to me and give some books which I have read and though it's not the we I was brought up or him,I did see a change in him over the years. He isn't this angry kid that I remember from some years past but turned his life around and for that I will always be grateful and to a man called Dave for introducing it to him.

As for your mother I can understand where she's coming from, it seems mothers hold on to the bad things that have happened too us. When the time comes for you to tell her I am sure she will be able to accept it. Stay true to who you are, and mothers always love their childern no matter what they have done.

Posted by: stoirmeil 24-Aug-2008, 07:19 PM

Hi, Findabhair --

Well -- JayHenson is making a point worth thinking about, though he makes it strongly.

Let me listen to you now -- the way you are saying it. You feel as if you are lying, leading a double life, and beng one kind of person to please them and another to please yourself, when you can. I agree that's pretty uncomfortable, and the urge to bring it all out in the open must be pretty strong. But I think one way to read that urge is that this is the last portion of your dependent childhood trying to be heard, looking for approval, and it may be a test of maturity to hold your peace and keep the peace of the house. You have a pretty clear indication that the news is not going to fall very well. I have sympathy for your mother and what she has experienced, but I have more concern for you at this stage of your spiritual development, which is still new and exploratory, just like your whole self is newly adult and exploratory. Some things have to be done internally and with a secrecy like the inside of a flower that is not opened yet. I know it is uncomfortable to feel "double," but I think it may turn out better for you not to open up your new spiritual growth to the stress of hurt feelings or harsh discussions. I agree with Jay -- harm no one, not the parents and not yourself.

Look at it this way -- in the deepest sense, you are not lying or leading a double life if the way the parents want you to grow and the way your new path is taking you are both to goodness, maturity, and respect for yourself and others. Your true self is not the contradiction -- certain ways of expressing spiritual practice are just that, an expression, but your core self in respect and goodness is no different than the one they would want for you. So I believe, anyway.

But it's your decision, and none of us is in the situation with you. Just give it time, make regular quiet time alone to ask for direction and listen for the answers, and then do what you feel is right.

Posted by: Findabhair 24-Aug-2008, 08:36 PM

I really thank everyone for their kind advice to me in this situation. It has given me different sides to think upon and all are very helpful. I do see where you are coming from and I definently appreciate the advice. I agree that it would be better to not tell them right now, especially if I am still at home (which I am). again thank you all

Posted by: John Clements 25-Aug-2008, 07:21 AM

I had a similar problem myself, as my Mother was a devout Roman Catholic, (and I just couldn’t buy any of it). As I believe that all religions create more problems then they are worth. You see I don’t think that anyone needs any kind of god, to know the difference between right and wrong, because I think that that is inherent.
Anyway, I never really let my Mom know what my “true” feelings about all religion was, and still is. I think that this stuff is easy. All one has to do is true to oneself, and others. That being said, I do regret not being straight with my Mon, but then again, I don’t. At least that’s the way I see it.

Good luck Findabhair,
JC

Posted by: Camac 25-Aug-2008, 08:34 AM

JC.

When I was 17 I had,had it with Catholicism or any religion and I walked away from it. When I told my parents it didn't phase my Dad at all as he didn't practice any religion. My Mom on the other hand was a pretty staunch Catholic and of course she didn't like it. Told me I was going to burn in Hell etc. but she also realized that she could do nothing about it but accept it. I was already living on my own so she couldn't give me the toss. Many many years later when I was told she was dying I went up to the house in Shelbourne to see her. I was really shook up. When I got there she was in the living room lying on the couch saying her Rosary. I told her "Mom I cannot and will not pray for you. I won't be a hypocrit" All that she said was "That's alright Son I know you Love me".

Camac.

Posted by: John Clements 25-Aug-2008, 10:50 AM

QUOTE (Camac @ 25-Aug-2008, 09:34 AM)

One question Dave, would you please tell me how I’m supposed to paint, with tears in my eyes? You don’t have to answer that.

JC

Posted by: Patch 25-Aug-2008, 11:18 AM

QUOTE (Camac @ 25-Aug-2008, 10:34 AM)

There was a point when I questioned Catholicism and religion in general but things happened that were more than could be attributed to luck and were certainly not because of great ability on my part so I re-thought my position again.

Slàinte,

Patch

Posted by: JayHenson 25-Aug-2008, 04:10 PM

QUOTE (stoirmeil @ 24-Aug-2008, 08:19 PM)

Well -- JayHenson is making a point worth thinking about, though he makes it strongly.

Thank you Stoirmeil,
I realize I was abit strong on the point making and I apologize to you Findabhair as it did seem to be abit more forceful than I wanted, I attribute it to trying to squeeze in a lot of experience and therapy in a small space

. Stoirmeil said it as well as I could ever hope to. My parents (mom especially) are saddened by my rejection of religion; I won't deny that there may be a God/Gods/etc... but the whole Christianity vs. Islam vs. Hindu vs. etc.. then there is the whole hundreds of different protestants and baptists then the whole catholic thing....it just made me convinced it was all made up for control...all of it! So i have no real spiritual direction. I am glad to read that you do and that you are using it as a moral compass pointing to "Good". I was interested in Druidism for abit...may go back to that.

Anyway, everyone on here wishes you the best (except for that shifty looking guy in the corner over there...you know who you are!!) and trying to define/find yourself is hard, then when you want the acceptance and understanding of those you love and respect and don't get it immediately it has a tendency to make you bitter and angry if you don't realize that their beliefs and their own view of you is just as important to them as yours is to you. You have a mother that loves you and cares about your soul, not every son has that. You have a mother that you love and care about her feelings, not every mother has that. You sound very intelligent and the fact that you want there to be no secrets between you and mom speaks volumes about your character.

I still stand by my advice about waiting for the talk, but continue to involve her in your life so she can see the person you are, not the Wiccan she fears, but the good-hearted person who helps and does good because it is the right thing to do.

Deep peace to you,

Jay

Posted by: Findabhair 29-Aug-2008, 11:12 PM

Again thanks to all for all of your support, you've really helped.

Posted by: stoirmeil 02-Sep-2008, 05:55 PM

QUOTE (Findabhair @ 30-Aug-2008, 12:12 AM)

Again thanks to all for all of your support, you've really helped.

A time'll arrive when it will all come quiet and clear as spring rain, and meanwhile, people here are thinking of you and wishing you peace and blessing on your path.

Tell us what the gaelic caption on your beautiful signature photo means?

Posted by: RebeccaAnn 02-Sep-2008, 09:10 PM

Findabhair
I hope you or no one gets upset with me for what I ask. What is Wicca? What are your beliefs? There is Light and Dark. Good and Bad. I have family that was exiled and persecuted for being witches because they knew the ways of the woods and used herbal medicines. My eldest daughter has gotten into some dark wicca things that are not good. But I have also found a few good wiccas that are called 'white witch' They use herbs and other things for healing and to do good. If you do not any of the dark arts or magic I see nothing wrong with it. If you were my child, I would want you to come to me and talk to me. Teach me. Tell me how you feel about things and why. Seek Light and Truth always.
RebeccaAnn

Posted by: stoirmeil 02-Sep-2008, 10:20 PM

QUOTE (RebeccaAnn @ 02-Sep-2008, 10:10 PM)

Rebecca Ann --

It would be wonderful if all parents whose children choose a path that seems disturbing or hard to understand were as welcoming as you are. It's something that each set of parents and child have to work out individually between them. I hope you and your daughter find some understanding and communication. I also hope you discover in time that there aren't any inherent "dark arts" in wicca, and that people who try purposely and unwisely to use the skills for unethical purposes don't represent the path of wicca. In fact, it is thought that they put themselves at risk for having their misuse of their gifts rebound back on them threefold. It's not hard to imagine the human cost that would come back on a misuser of any belief system at all, if that person tries to do harm with the skills, insights and practices of it.

Posted by: RebeccaAnn 03-Sep-2008, 11:11 AM

There is much about wicca and so much called wicca that is hard to find what true wicca is. What is Wicca? What does wicca believe? What does it teach? I have seen much that is called wicca that is dark magic and not good. It leads away into places no one belongs. Yet I know there is also good.
RebeccaAnn

Posted by: stoirmeil 04-Sep-2008, 02:06 PM

QUOTE (RebeccaAnn @ 03-Sep-2008, 12:11 PM)

It's true that there are some ill-informed and ill-advised practices that are called wicca, in ignorance or disingenuously, to deceive. It's really about as responsible for people to take this perception for true and fair as it is for people to accept radical extremist fundamentalist Muslim teaching as the true face of Islam. It does more harm to the community it pretends to belong to than it does to anyone else, very sadly.

In both cases, there is not "also" good -- there is good, if it is the true practice. The deliberately harmful practice is not the real thing. People are human, they make mistakes and lose control, and it doesn't take being a wiccan to harm someone with thought, word or deed in moments of anger -- but that is not the same as starting out with a practice that deliberately aims to do harm.

Just out of curiosity, RebeccaAnn, what is the "dark magic" called wicca that you have seen much of, and that you are talking about?

Posted by: Findabhair 05-Sep-2008, 12:05 AM

QUOTE (stoirmeil @ 02-Sep-2008, 06:55 PM)

Tell us what the gaelic caption on your beautiful signature photo means?

It means "praise the good day at the close of it" I felt that by reminding myself of this when right before bed it sort of centers me in a way. I'd like to use another word but "grounding" makes the most sense.

My grandmother used to say this to me when I would visit her when I was younger and up until a few years ago I had no idea what it meant( she spoke gaelic and I wasnt made to learn but now I feel it's time to). It reminds me of her and again it's a good thought to calm, for me at least.

Posted by: stoirmeil 05-Sep-2008, 06:03 PM

That's a really beautiful wish, and a night-time practice or ritual, and also a lovely story. Thanks for telling us.

I have the feeling that once you start to learn gaelic, it will come easier to you than it does to many. You have what they call the passive knowledge of having a native speaker use it sometimes in your hearing, so the fall of the sounds is already with you. I hope you come to the study of it in good time, and that it makes a rich addition to your life (how could it not?) when you do.

Posted by: Faerydreamer 27-Dec-2008, 06:00 PM

I was 43 when I started looking into Paganism. That was only a bit over a year ago. I did not tell my family because my mother's parents were elders in the Presbyterian Church when they were alive. My mother though not a church going person is very strong in her opinions.

She found out when my sister found my MySpace. When she asked me about it, I had the answer ready. I told her that I am practicing the Old Religion that most all other religions are based on. It is also the religion from the country of our ancestors. She let it go at that.

I am not doing anything bad. I am respecting my Mother Earth and its inhabitants of all kinds with more respect.

Posted by: CelticQueenCelticLord 06-Feb-2009, 10:54 AM

Findabhair
First, I wish you all the best and you will do what you feel is best in your time. Everyone here has given you such good advice so I wont try to add mine. I do want to tell you a little story though.

I am a mother of 6 and my oldest daughter went to the Pagan/Wiccan quite some time ago. Unlike you she did not have a mother with bad experiences and someday your Mums bad experiences will hopefully fade, like when you are truly able to sit with her and tell her your side. I hope she understands. Anyway, as i said in a dif forum I had my own ideas about religion and didnt know where to turn. My daughter "came out" when she was an adult and told me a lot about my own feelings. Well, low and behold, I to am now a beleiver and feel so much more comfortable. One day at the flea market a woman came to our table and saw some of the things we were vending and told us about an event we could merchant at. It was Beltane. We went and I have never felt so welcome in a group in my whole 50 some years. That was five years ago and we have not missed one yet along with other events/rites/rituals. Since that time I have found a new husband who has also studied as many religions as he can and really likes our way of life and enjoys it with us. I am now 59 and couldnt be happier. We handfasted back in Aug and it was the most spiritual experience I have ever had.

I hope and pray that someday your Mum will understand. I dont know if mine would have or not but she is now with the Goddess. But, even is she does not understand you she will always love you, dont ever forget that. A mother can never not love her child, she may not like what her child does (been there done that) but she will always love you.

Best of luck sweetie and Bright Blessings

Posted by: Shadows 06-Feb-2009, 11:53 AM

Wiccan, Wica, Pagan...placing a name on the oldest beliefs in the world does not do it justice... "black majik" has no place in any of those named things above. Black majik is evil and of the dark side.
True pagans or what ever you want to call us believe in the natural rythems and ebes and flows of the natural world... do evil?

NEVER! Remember what you do will come back thrice to you!

This is the code of three!

Do not concern yourself with what others think, it is what you think that matters!

Good luck with your family accepting your beliefs.