Really Bad Advice

Go to a local farmer and purchase one dry bail of straw. On the way home pick up one gallon of gasoline. Place the bail of straw in the middle of the livingroom and soak well with the gallon of gas. Stand well back and toss a lit match at the bail of straw. When the fire goes out the mouse will be gone!

I think I broke my arm, it looks like a piece of bone is sticking out through the skin. What should I do?

Thats a serious medical situation, fortunately I have a book on mechanics here to help. Hey people, cars its all the same...take a rag and push the rod (or bone I guess) back into the shaft (under the skin) then wrap securely with Electrical tape and go to the mechanic for a more permanent solution....caution do not drive more than 10 miles with this problem.

I accidentally poked my English Neighbor with my sword, what should I do now?

I've had a similar experience so I know just what to do. Make sure you thoroughly clean the sword. Vinegar does a good job of removing blood stains but be sure to rinse off the blade after cleaning as vinegar will etch the metal an tarnish the finish.

I recently gave my nieghbor advice on how to rid his house of a mouse and now he blames me for burning down his house! What should I do?

The answer for that is in the CIA Manual, "Admit Nothing, Deny Everything, Demand Proof.. .then ask Congress for another $27,000,000,000 in money fir Paperclips.

I need advice on how to train a guard dog?

Make sure you let the dog meet lots of people. Keep him well fed with table scraps and a good prime rib once a week. Let him sleep in your bed, teach him to fetch and always tell him what ag ood dog he is.

My car has developed a loud squeeking noise when I apply the brakes. How do I make this annoying noise stop!

Easy in the CHILL OUT manual it says that if that happens you just put in ear plugs and cut holes in the floorboard. Put your feet down when you need to stop. The ear plugs then keep you from hearing your own screams.

I need to know what to do about the pesky salesmen that knock on my door wanting to sell me books about how to get to heaven.

I love it when that happens, because it gives me a chance to go into character, and practices my adlibbing skills. For example: Once I acted as though I was hard of hearing, and there for kept asking them to repeat themselves, in an ever increasingly loud voice, which eventually lead to us screaming at each other on the front porch, which then led to my neighbors coming out, to see what all the ruckus was about. (You know I haven’t seen that salesmen since.) Another good one is to play the role of devils advocate. That usually throws them. (The sky's the limit folks. All you have to do is use a little imagination.)

Ok! Here’s my problem. How does one confront a moron, without becoming one? (My guess is you can’t, what do you think?)

Thats easy when you spot a Moron walk up uietly and tell him that you are with the Government Identity Theft Unit and that he/she is reuired to wear a sign, hand him/her a sign that says Moron in English and Spanish (remember you are Government).

Here is my problem my tire is acting funny it is flat on the bottom but round on the top, is that normal?

That ones easy too. All you have to do is take the tier off and put it back on upside down.

Speaking of tiers, I’m beginning to develop one that looks a little like the donuts I’ve eating lately, and I don’t know what to do about it, because I love them so.

Simple solution to donut tires is to dip them in your favorite hot beverage (I like Tim Hortons Coffee) and enjoy!

My toilet runs over when flushed, how do I fix it?

That's easy--just turn the water off.

I never seem to have time to spend with you wonderful folks here except when I am home and only have dial up internet where everything is just tooooo s l o w and I get too frustrated to continue, or occasionally during lunch at my first job. How can I come up with more time to hang out here?

Hey tell your boss you need a raise and more time off because you are an adviser for Celtic Radio. Net.

How can I keep the neighbors cats out of my trashcans?

padlocks!

My boss did give me more time off but LESS pay, so now
I need money--what should I do?

Add a coin slot to your mailbox so your mailman can only deliver mail when dropping in a quarter, too. Of course, if he doesn't want to drop in the coinage, you won't get the bills that you don't have the money to pay anyway!

The townhouse next to me is up for rent and my neighbor on the other side and I don't want weirdos moving in. How can we be sure the rental company won't let in people we don't "approve" of?

When the townhouse is being shown, go over to interduce yourself. While there ask lots of questions about the prospective tenants. If you don't think you will like them as neighbors, start badmouthing the townhouse, the neighborhood and the neighbors. Be sure to act like you are insane, or a serial killer or any other kind of undesirable neighbor.

I need to sell more hearing aids so I can keep this job until I find another, any suggestions?