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| Celtic Radio Community > General Discussion > Need Some Help/advice |
| Posted by: connor1985 28-Jul-2008, 11:05 AM |
| hey all it been a long long time since i have been able to post anything here but i finally at a huge rock in my life and i just lost on what i should do. to start off my father had a heart attack (thankfully a small one if there really is such a thing) at the start of the month which took me away from home, work, and that who i love. mostly at first everything was ok and i was able to return home withen a couple days in order to clean things up for my fathers return. long story short on that he doing ok still weak and not aloud to do much but he'll live. however things with my lover have gone from bad to worse this summer and i just dont know what i want to do anyone. we had a small seperation back in may where she felt she didnt love me anymore but after being apart she was like oh i love you and just cant be without you, ya know the usually stuff you would think to hear if you really love a person. so things kinda went back to the way they were before which still sucked because we dont communicate very well to begin with. now i have been seeing someone about depression and have been trying to make myself a better person but she sees that as being weak and not able to deal with real life so she hates me for doing that but i know it is the best for me in order to be a better person and get my life back under control. it been up and down ever since then but lately everything i do it wrong. looking for work isnt good enough because i not good enough for anything and all i can do is sit around and play on my computer. basically she rips me apart with how i basically worthless to other people and the only time i any good is when i follow her and do everything she says without question. as long as i am a good little pack mule then everything is ok but the moment i show a little backbone and decide to think for myself i nothing to her and worthless to everyone. i dont know i guess i let her rule my life for to long and just got so used to being told what i can and cant do but during that time where we were apart i felt free to do what i wanted for once. the problem is i do love her and i know deep inside i would do anything to keep her and i think that could be where my problem is i willing to let her control me. i just dont know anymore and lately things have only gottne worse not only with her and i but i have been unable to find work anywhere since i intend to return to college in the fall and i just running out of rope to hold on to. i guess i feel more open for advice from everyone here since no one really knows me i just get honest answers but i need something before my rope finally breaks. please let me know what any of you think |
| Posted by: Patch 28-Jul-2008, 12:21 PM |
| Since you are seeing someone about depression I would not presume to advise you in that area. The one thing I noted from your post is that your "significant other" treats you with no respect. If she is unwilling to get counseling to improve the relationship, I see little future in remaining with her. You should discuss this aspect of your life in depth with your counselor ASAP. I wish you the best! May God bless you. Slàinte, Patch |
| Posted by: Harlot 28-Jul-2008, 04:54 PM |
| I agree with Patch on keep going to counseling,trust me from someone who has gone though it, it does help you see things. Don't stay if she can't respect you now because she never will.Remember she wants what she wants , when she wants it. I see by your age, not that love at your age is any different then at mine but it takes time to forget the hurt but it does go and the feeling of freedom is so much better. THREE YEARS OF FREEDOM and doing great!    thats for you |
| Posted by: maggiemahone1 28-Jul-2008, 06:05 PM |
| The good thing is your going to counseling...hopefully with time you'll be able to get thru your problems and get on with your life. As far as your girlfriend is concerned, you need to decide if you want to have the kind of relationship that your not so happy with or let her go and give yourself some time to heal and her not be a part of your life. If you feel like she's using you maybe it's time to let go. Maybe you two should set down and talk this out. A relationship between a man and a woman always has it's ups and downs. When 2 people live with each other there is always conflicts. You just have to learn to deal with them, which sometimes is not so easy to do. Love is a deep emotional feeling, something so intense that you have to learn to give and give some more. Not just you, but your girlfriend also...I'm not a professional anybody, just a wife with many years of experience! I wish you the best and don't let that rope get so tight that it chokes you...My youngest daughter is going thru a divorce now and it's been a heck of a year for my family. The good thing is we have overcome problems so great that when they happened I didn't know if we would get thru them or not. We dealt with them and it made us all a wee bit more stronger so we could deal with whatever hit us next. Keep going for your counseling and don't let her convince you that your weak. You realizing that you need help at this time in your life is a start in the right direction. Please keep it up and you will survive. I'm glad that your Dad is recovering from his heart attack and I hope his health improves with each day. Take Care! |
| Posted by: maggiemahone1 28-Jul-2008, 06:46 PM |
| Connor, I forgot to add this to my post...in the Special Interest forum there is a post in Health Matters about Depression that you may want to read and get involved in. Take Care... |
| Posted by: Elspeth 28-Jul-2008, 07:42 PM |
| Hey Conner, I haven't been around here for a while so first I need to say - Hi! I caught your post and had to respond as I feel I've been on both sides of your situation. First - Keep going to counciling. Do not stop for anyone other than yourself. Second - I've learned whenever you think you are at the end of your rope, you'll discover the rope is always a bit longer than your first thought. Third - Relationships take work and energy. If you think perhaps you need to focus on yourself right now, there is nothing wrong with taking your relationship a bit slower for a while. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. There are degrees that maybe you will find more comfort with. Fourth - There is a difference between someone who is being tough to be helpful and somone who does not care to understand. You need to determine which your girlfriend is. Work on this with your counselor. Lastly - Perspective is a wonderful thing. Step out of your ordinary and evaluate from new angles. Do this with your counselor. Do it in small areas. Go to different resturants, libriaries, museums, parks, whatever feeds your soul. Stop and look around you at all the beauty that is here. Breathe deeply. Feel JOY. Life can be WONDERFUL. Not just for other people, but for you. |
| Posted by: Jillian 28-Jul-2008, 08:26 PM |
| Hey Connor, I'd like to say that it takes a strong person to admit they need help and seek counseling. Perhaps your partner is too afraid to seek counseling w/you or for herself. Fear often comes out as anger or controlling behavior. But whatever her reasons are, you and your counselor can work together to discover your needs, strengths, weakness, etc. We do get into ruts...patterns of behavior (like communicating or not), and sometimes (as mentioned above) it does take looking at life from different perspectives. I also believe the rope is longer than you think...hang in there. Jillian |
| Posted by: connor1985 29-Jul-2008, 03:00 PM |
| i would like to thank all of you for your kind words and advice. trust me when i say right now i really needed all that and to hear people give some uplifting advice brings a bit of hope to my life. to clear up some things i noticed i missed from before and give a little more insight to what going on. i not saying at my age i know what love is but i have been with her for over seven and a half years and i just feel complete with her. when we were apart i did feel less stressed out but i also felt i was missing apart of myself. it just didnt seem to hurt her as badly as it did myself and when she called saying she loved me and couldnt stand to be apart i thought that would be the start on a road of healing and at first it did but then things went from talking to "other" things (i keep it clean lol) and we quit talking about it even when i wanted to there was always something to change the subject with and so things just went back the way they were. what really been bugging me is now she says i to lazy and whatnot because i cant drop everything i am doing every time she needs something that it my fault things are not getting done and that if i really loved her i would just do what she asked. well with a father who not aloud to drive when he needs stuff like a ride or whatnot i sorry that has to come first. my father and i have more of a friendship then a father/son thing it just seems to work better that way. granted he still does the day stuff but we just hang out like buddies and i enjoy that. her father on the other hand cheated on her mother and let them know the day she turned 18 and it been a struggle ever since. now i loved her mom like she was my own but lately it the same thing i get from her is i worthless because i cant do this or that. i am struggleing with finding work and it twice as hard because no one wants a college student since school takes up so much time so ontop of that and her i have my own money issues that are not being solved and no one seems to care how hard it is to want to contiune my education and do something with my life. gratned i could lie and not tell someone but i find that in the long run that burns bridges i might need at a latter date. or my mother has said not to go back and get a good job and pay off my loans and then go back but i know if i do that i'll never go back i'll get stuck in the cycle of work and that will be that. i just dont know i just so bloody tired of all this and i been doing so well as far as depression goes and i was alloud to go off the meds but with the way things are now i dont know if i gonna last much longer. personally i wish i lived back in the 16-18 century where things were a little more simpler and you didnt need to be super smart to make a living and have something. but we cant do that we are stuck in this time forced to spent money we dont have to get a paper that may or may not really help you get a good job in order to pay off what you owe and it just a bad cycle that you cant get out of. all i can think of is thank god i dont drink or do drugs cause if that were going on i dont think i would be here. i just want something to go right so i can get my life going again and do what i know i must. |
| Posted by: iolanda 30-Jul-2008, 05:33 PM |
 Dear connor1985,maybe I'm not the best person at all, that can suggest to you something of decisive in your situation. I don't like criticize nobody or nothing, because I think that it needs to be in the same situation for undestandig the real problem...I know just one thing: I'm been emotionally dependent for over 10 years..He was(is..is alive, was in my heart) the father of my 3 kids..( I'll be always grateful to him for this! ) Now I say, the worst years of my life. Would you like to know why? I wasn't myself for all that time; my self-confidence depended from his approving,my happiness or my sadness. I become jealous of everybody; I shined of his light, not mine.I cannot tell you why this was happened but it was. The strange thing is that a perverse power exists in this kind of relationship: it is like if the emotionally strongest man of both feels a subtle pleasure to ascertain the power he has in the other one..and so starts a real dangerous game and an insane relationship..This doesn't say that it's negative at all. It's a determinate part of your life, of your history and experience but perhaps one has not a positive influence on the other one and vice-versa...so it's impossible building something of costruptive together..many things could be.. We are human being;everybody of us is different of another one but the real love is only one and we are all the same as when we really love somebody else: we want the best in every way for our love;love is sacrifize,is grow up or increase together,foster together; fighting together but never scornful or discouraging;laughing, worrying, resolving, dreaming and get bored too, together..you're 24 years old.a wonderful age  in full force and your life. You have so many wonderful things that are waiting for you in your life and so many great people that are looking for you..Come on, I think it's time to break for a while ( or for a long...)and get a breath of fresh air ! It could look impossible or too grievous, I know..but the sometimes it needs.. it's not sure, too..Try, if your lovestory is real love .. it 'll born again. An ancient chinese book (I King) says:" If your horse wants to go away from you, leave him free to go away. If he really belongs to you he 'll come back on his own..." O.K:? I would like to tell you many other things but I really think I'm been too boring  Don't forget: you have many great big friends down here in Celtic Radio, you'll never be alone..   I'll waiting for some wonderful news from you  Take care of yourself and have a NICE time!! Slàinte iolanda |
| Posted by: Gillian 04-Aug-2008, 02:47 PM |
| Hi, I am new here and finally venturing out of the "fun and games" area. I don't have much to say specific to your situation because that is so personal, and one has to be "in the shoes" to truely understand all the dynamics. But I can say from several past experiences, being apart is a great indicator of how important the relationship is. In one example I realized "Hey, I'm doing ok without him. What exactly do I need him around for?" And when he came back all he did was grate on my nerves, and all he was doing was being himself. In another example, I missed my significant other so desperately and nothing was the same without him. And things were even better when he came back. Tough love or not, from what you have said, she isn't being very supportive of your difficulties. Granted, her side of the story may be completely different, but yours is the one I get to hear. I wish you the best of luck, and don't be afraid not to settle. |