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Celtic Radio Community > The Grove > Please Keep Me In Your Thoughts


Posted by: RavenWing 07-Nov-2003, 09:14 AM
I just found out my grandma passed away Thursday night. I am at peace with that. What bothers me is that my father's side of the family didn't care enough about me to keep my contact information. (We haven't exactly had the best relationship) So now I am angry.


Keep me in your thoughts. I am going to go to the funeral, and I am going to basically not have enything to do with them anymore.


Thanks


Posted by: oldraven 07-Nov-2003, 10:04 AM
sad.gif I'm sorry to hear that RavenWing. Death is something I haven't really had to deal with as of yet, so I honestly can't empathize. But I do send my condolences.


My only concern is your choice of actions. You're doing exactly what so many members of my family has done, and detatching yourself from the rest. Trust me, it's not the answer. Creating a rift is the last thing you want. It may seem that way now, but believe me, it'll become a burden sooner than later. You'll find yourself without a family, and that'll make you the one who's suffering. Please let the passing of your grandmother be cause for tribute, not for anger.


hug.gif One way or the other, you're in my thoughts.

Posted by: Catriona 07-Nov-2003, 10:50 AM
RW
My condolences on the death of your grandmother.

- I may be an agnostic - but I believe in the power of postive thoughts.... so, I shall be sending out those thoughts to you at this time.

Posted by: scottish2 07-Nov-2003, 10:52 AM
RavenWing

Sorry to hear about your loss. My Grandmother (Maternal) passed away in 97 so I know how hard it can be. sad.gif

As for the family I would not let it bother you so much. The important thing right now is having your chance to say goodbye to your grandmother do not let the family ruin this for you. If they are not caring enough to advise you (Assuming this being they didn't have contact info) then you should not let this ruin this moment. Attend and as you said just don't mingle anymore then neccessary to be polite under the circumstances.

Posted by: Macfive 07-Nov-2003, 11:09 AM
Ravenwing, my deepest sympathies to you and your family. I hope that you will find peace and reflection in the coming days. My thoughts are with you.

Take care.

Posted by: MDF3530 07-Nov-2003, 11:38 AM
RavenWing, my deepest condolences to you and your family on your loss. You will see her when you pass on from this life. I know I'll see my grandparents there.

Posted by: maryjeffe 07-Nov-2003, 12:13 PM
RavenWing - I am so sorry for your loss. I'm relatively new to this site and haven't replied to many of the topics, but felt inclined to do so today. I understand how you feel as I was once long ago in a similar situation. Having lost my grandfather then not attending due to family differences. It caused a rift and unrest within me. At least you say you will go, but please be the better person and not to let them bring you down. Perhaps there are other reasons they did not have your contact information that you're unaware of. The pain you feel now will pass. If you decide to disassociate yourself with the rest, it will not hurt them, only you.

We'll keep you in our thoughts and prayers.

Posted by: silverdragon 07-Nov-2003, 01:09 PM
Been there, done that; in my case, a relative by marriage decided that no one out of town would want to attend the funeral of my favorite aunt, and so had the services held so fast that no one could have attended from out of town even had we wanted to. While my bridges aren't burned, they're smouldering... My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Posted by: Elspeth 07-Nov-2003, 01:18 PM
Raven Wing,

I am sorry for your loss and sorry for your familial difficulties. We have similiar difficulties with my husband's family and I know how it made his grandmother's passing last year all the more difficult. Sometimes people do have to go their seperate ways, at least for a time.
I know it is easier said than done, but try and focus on your grandma's memory.
My thoughts are with you.

Elspeth

Posted by: kidclaymore 07-Nov-2003, 05:49 PM
Raven wing I am sorry to hear of your loss, and I know what your going though, I recently loss both my parents. And remember you have some good friends here if you need to talk.

Posted by: maggiemahone1 07-Nov-2003, 06:41 PM
RavenWing, I am so sorry to hear about your Grandmother passing on! I have lost several members in my immediate family and I know had bad it hurts. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. I hope you and your family would reconcile. Think about this... Do you think your Grandmother would want her family to be feuding?

Take Care,
maggiemahone1


Posted by: Richard Bercot 07-Nov-2003, 08:54 PM
RavenWing,

I am sorry to hear of the loss of your Grandmother. All I can do is keep you in our Prayers and wish you the best to you and yours.

Posted by: 3Ravens 07-Nov-2003, 09:14 PM
Ravenwing,
I'm sorry about your Grandmother's passing. It's probably best to not stir things up. You can always just not associate with them afterwards. You can always come back here and rant to us if necessary!
Ladies Grace to you,
Josie

Posted by: Keltic 08-Nov-2003, 08:23 AM
Sorry for your loss. As hard as it is when you lose someone, you never lose the memories.

Posted by: barddas 08-Nov-2003, 08:29 AM
Hi Mary,
Aye too am sorry to hear of your loss. sad.gif
If you need to vent, just give me a shout...

My thoughts are with you.

Hugs
Jason

Posted by: Dreamer1 09-Nov-2003, 11:52 AM
Ravenwing,

I'm also very sorry to hear about your Grandmother. I know you'll miss her and the love she has for you. Please, though, try not to allow the others in your family to poison your heart with their intolerance/ignorance/disrespect/meanness/pettiness.........!! Instead, remember and keep the love from your Grandmother and maybe others in your family who do care about you. Let friends help you, too, to keep all the other negative emotions and thoughts at bay.

In concern,
Dreamer1

Posted by: Annabelle 09-Nov-2003, 08:37 PM
Ravenwing....I am so sorry about your loss...don't add the anger you feel at your family's lack of contact with you on top of the loss of your grandmother..the weight of it will only hurt you...

I can really speak from experience here....and I don't know everything but I'll share with you what I do know and what I've learned from my expierence.

My mom died 7 years to Melanomia Cancer at 64 years of age...(yep a redhead too) Her illness was quick and she died in 4 months of diagnosis.
My father was a total butt head...he put me out in his RV every weekend I drove down from Ga to be with her cause he had given all of the beds away to her family members who never came to see her when she was healthy and alive. I was not allowed to use the bathroom in the RV, I had to go to the bathroom in the barn...
Then he gave my bed away in the RV to a friend of his who came for the funeral from Mississippi. He asked for the wedding rings back my mother gave to me and put on my hand before she went into her first radiation treatment. (I am the only girl) He took up with another woman 3 months after mom died with another woman and moved her into Mom's house.
Then he told my brother that I had asked my Mom to take out a Life Insurance policy before she died leaving me the benefactor.

Now after all of that hurt, I broke off all connections with my father and brother for over 2 years...
Wouldn't let them in my life at all.. I could go for months and not even think about them and then I would get sad and realize I was carrying all of my anger at them inside me...and I was hurting ME! That hurt kept me from being truely happy. My family saw it. My friends saw it. Everyone knew I was still hurting and avoided anything that was close to the subject for 2 years. I had health problems come up (stomach). But I never saw it until one day I realized, I was not happy...

So the bottom line of this post is don't do it....detach to a point you are in a more comfortable position with your family. But don't hold on to the anger. It only hurts you.

Annabelle

Posted by: valpal 59 09-Nov-2003, 11:32 PM
Ravenwing....I am so sorry for your loss....My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Posted by: free2Bme 10-Nov-2003, 06:37 AM
My condolences RavenWing. My grandmother was apparently the lynchpen that held my family together - she had left behind 12 children and 50+ grandchildren and great grandchildren - and none of us have been together since her funeral several years ago. We are all scattered across the United States. I have lost two uncles since then, and I did not even know about it until several months after their funerals - one died of pancreatic cancer and the other was killed in a tree-felling accident.

Be glad for the family that you DO have, and remember that we are all only human beings. Don't burn your bridges, sooner or later you may want the opportunity to reach out.

Posted by: Eclectic_Stag 10-Nov-2003, 01:59 PM
Do what you feel is right for you. Take care

Posted by: RavenWing 11-Nov-2003, 04:58 PM
Well, I went to the funeral, and it was the most uncomfortable experience I have ever had. Only 3 people spoke to me, and the rest walked right by me like I wasn't even there.

After my father passed away, the only thing keeping me in contact with them was my grandma. I have no reason to try to keep in touch with people who do not want me around.

Posted by: Elspeth 11-Nov-2003, 05:59 PM
Raven Wing,

I am sorry this was difficult for you. Families can be, well they can be beyond belief. As they say you don't choose your families, but you do choose your friends and I am confident you have many who care about you and will temper this pain.

Still in my thoughts,
Elspeth

Posted by: DOUBLE_VISION 12-Nov-2003, 02:46 PM
Hi RavenWing. I believe all souls come together to "learn". Perhaps there is an "experience" here for you, even in this... "interactivity"...((((HUG))))

Posted by: tartangal 12-Nov-2003, 04:11 PM
Ravenwing, I am so sorry for the pain that you have experienced both by the loss of your grandmother and also from your treatment by your relatives.
Your grandma was special in your life and that won't change. Your memories and feelingsfor her will always be with you.
As for your relatives,by your own admission,they made no effort to maintain contact, so please don't let their attitudes colour your vision of your self or affect your sense of self worth.You are worth so much more than that.
Sometimes people have difficulty with others grief and their way of dealing is to avoid the confrontation so maybe keep in mind that perhaps your relatives felt awkward over the distance that has already separated you and did not know how to close it.
Anyway, please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Posted by: Keltic 12-Nov-2003, 10:28 PM
We have been going through the same thing with my wifes family. Two of our children have never met their grandfather which really saddens me. My wife and I have done all within our power to try to fix things to no avail. The saddest part is that we had nothing to do with the situation that caused the original blow-up. My in-laws religion classes my wife as an "apostate" and we are sure that this, in addition to my father-in-laws stubborness, is the reason that two of our children wonder why they don't see "opa" anymore and the other two don't know him at all.

In order for us to accept the situation, we made sure that we extended our hands and hearts on a number of occasions. We now know that there is little chance of a relationship in the future and we have made it be known that our door is always open but the door is not a revolving door. We delight and celebrate in what and who we have in our lives and try not to harp on what and who we don't.

Ultimately, Raven, we are all different and all of our situations are different. I have outlined our situation which may or may not be anywhere close to yours. You and only you know what is in your heart and the only way to be at peace is to do what you feel to be right. We look to friends for advice but the action taken is our own.

Posted by: RavenWing 13-Nov-2003, 08:08 AM
Exactly. It is nice to have a place to get it out. I was overflowing with bitterness, and I have moved on somewhat.

Here is a little background on the family. My father passed away January 22, 2001. his twin brother passed away October 8, 2001. From what I understand he was never the same after dad died. My uncle's funeral was the last time I saw my grandma.

Some theories I have come up with on the silent treratment are:

1) they felt guilty for not keeping in touch after my dad died

2) They don't know how to react with me since my dad died

I am not certain, but I think my uncle's sons may have had the same problem.
Maybe I will never know, but I am going to try to be the better person and be open to them. My aunt was one of the ones that spoke to me, and in the past she was the closest one to me.

I know I have been so wrapped up in my own life and my own grief that I haven't stopped to think about them.








Well, if you have made it this far, thank you for putting up with my family drama. Please do not feel obligated to read all of this, it just helps me sort things out.

Posted by: barddas 13-Nov-2003, 08:54 AM
Mary, I'm glad to hear that things are ok with you....

Keltic I'm sorry about your situation.. I hope it eventually smooths itself out....

seems like we can train our animals better than our relatives.. wink.gif

Posted by: Keltic 13-Nov-2003, 10:52 PM
Thanks Barddas. I'm just glad that my parents are still alive so that the children do have grandparents to spoil them from time to time.

Ravenwing,

I am sure that most people have family dramas but we don't usually hear about them until one is put out into the open. We all of a sudden find out that we aren't alone.

QUOTE
Well, if you have made it this far, thank you for putting up with my family drama. Please do not feel obligated to read all of this, it just helps me sort things out.


You didn't force anyone to read your posts so go ahead and vent!!

Posted by: Richard Bercot 14-Nov-2003, 01:11 AM
QUOTE (Keltic @ Nov 13 2003, 11:52 PM)
Ravenwing,

I am sure that most people have family dramas but we don't usually hear about them until one is put out into the open. We all of a sudden find out that we aren't alone.

Ravenwing,

I can tell you from my own experiences that it doesn't matter who or what someone in a Family or Friendship does, at some point someone is going to have hard feelings about something. Even though it may seem small to you, it can be enormous to them.

And I have to agree with Keltic in saying, go ahead and vent. Even though I do not know, except a couple, anyone here personally. I feel that there is some kind of Kinship here. And I am really surprised to see so many different people concerned about others on this site. It is kind of nice to see that there are others who do care.

Give it time Ravenwing and you too Keltic. Things are never too late no matter how bad they may seem now.

My best wishes to the both of you.
Richard

Posted by: RavenWing 14-Nov-2003, 09:19 AM
Thanks everyone.

Posted by: bhalilama 14-Nov-2003, 09:55 AM
sad.gif RavenWing, I have been away for a while and was unable to read the post. I feel so for you on the passing of your Grandmother. I have lost both of mine and a wonderful step-maw maw in my lifetime. My mother's mother was the hub that kept the wheel of our family together. Since her passing hardly anyone has made an effort to keep in touch. I have in-laws and second cousins I have never seen.
I also want to offer consolations on the passing of your father. I'm sure that pain is ever present. All of this trouble with the rest of the family is'nt easy to bear even without the hole left by the departure of two of your closest love ones. I don't know what your beliefs on the 'afterlife' are,but I'm hoping you are able to find comfort in knowing you will one day, in some way, be united with the loved ones of your life. I belive we have them with us here(only in another dimension )for a while.
My advice,for whatever it's worth,on the rest of the family is to protect yourself emotionally by keeping your distance- but not intirely out of touch. Maybe you can send a little note or card to that aunt just to let her know you are thinking of her.(Please avoid any remarks about you being hurt. It will only add fuel to the fire.)
Then every now and again you can send another one. This will leave you with a much needed tie to the family.Don't expect anything from it,and you won't be disappointed!
I also empathize(sp) with you,Keltic. Sometimes we just have to carry on with our lives.You both will be in my prayers.Please keep me in yours.
Many Blessings and Happy days to you all. Love,Redbreeze

ps.redbreeze is my "other" name

Posted by: RavenWing 14-Nov-2003, 10:55 AM
I am at peace with the death of family members. I am regularly visited by my father and my uncle in dreams etc. I do miss them, but I have a good relationship with the concept of death. The best thing I can tell anyone is death is only bad for those who are still alive. I remember that and it is not hard.

Posted by: Celeste of the Stars1 18-Nov-2003, 06:53 AM
I am very sorry to hear about your garndmother and you are in my prayers. I know how you feel about not being told. I didn't find out my Grandfather had passed untill 3 months after his funeral.

Posted by: RavenWing 18-Nov-2003, 12:00 PM
QUOTE (Celeste of the Stars1 @ Nov 18 2003, 12:53 PM)
I am very sorry to hear about your garndmother and you are in my prayers. I know how you feel about not being told. I didn't find out my Grandfather had passed untill 3 months after his funeral.

That's a shame. I empathize.

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