About Me..now This Is Very Long, kinda want someone to understand me

In my life I had never had a home, a house but a house is cold and empty. I grew up in a house, I always felt that but didnt have the words to convey what I felt. Left home when 15 thanks to my parents who I want to forgive for not having enough love for me like parents are supposed to, but eveyday that goes by that they dont call me just tells me that I am alone. I had to leave cause I couldnt handle what they were doing to eachother and me. I had a boyfriend and his mom to run to. Sure you can guess that didnt last 2 secs and the hunt was on for my home.
Been around looking for years. I understand completely that I dont know that much at this age of 25. Although I have a understanding of God, when it comes to the daily life, people, expections I am still lost. Right now I live in a beautiful small town called Snohomish, Wa. I love it here, I know many and we run into eachother everywhere. The trees and flowers are so beautiful. I even have this tree with deep red leaves outside my kitchen sliding door and when I first saw it I was amazed. I had gone away from here for 2 months, for awhile didnt think I would be able to make it back. But now being here again I feel so left out. So disconnected from people, even ones who love and care for me. It is like I am on one side of the glass and everyone else is on the other and they dont see me. Even with my true Love, Mike sometimes I feel separated from him. Funny how you can leave a place that is yours and come back and even though nothings different it is all different. I wonder if I will find a home for myself. Why cant I feel comfortable in my own skin? And I want to please Jehovah God so bad, but I make some mistakes that I may one day never get to take back. I tell Jehovah everything, I can feel him when I do and it is an interesting feeling. But when I am in a place to loud to talk to him and I am feeling weird again I dont know about life sometimes. I cant even get what I really mean out in these words. There is this couple next door to me, they are 19 and 17, pregnant and fighting. Makes me so sad to hear it, I hate that my closet is thin and I can hear them as I am lying in bed thinking about life. When I came back here I loved at my love differently. Hearing them fight I look over at him and thank him in my heart for not ever yelling at me. I hate yelling, hate it.
My daughter, shes 5 and not here. She is in Fl, where I went for 2 months. I wanted to stay with her there but I had no where to live so I had to leave her. She would cry when I left even if just for a little while and it is ripping my heart out that she needs me and I cant be there for her. She has these big brown eyes, pretty face, long wavy hair. She shines, it is in her. She isnt bratty, listens well, Loves Jehovah God and talks to him by herself. She told me on the phone last night she likes me the best. But all I felt was pain that I am not there with her. Her dad and I sure screwed things up. I worry what if she comes out to be like me one day?? Depressed sometimes and nobody was there to catch it, what if something happens and she leaves and cant find a home?? BUt there is a part of me that thinks she is so special it cant happen. Her dad is turning into a really good man who is God fearing and will take care of her. Do you know what it is like to be apart from a person who is part of you......Everyday I see a child that sounds like her or looks like her. Aries keeps asking when I am coming back, there is no answer because I dont know what will happen. Right now I am working on not thinking as death as my best friend, there are people I can help in life. But I have this thing in my head that has blocked out hope as long as I can remember and I am not well and I am uneven. I wonder if I will see my daughter again. I also wonder if I am hurting God.
I thought about it more seriously, about just dying cause I cant do much good and have messed up big time. And then my life changed, thats when I felt the most gone. And the sadness of life is getting more and more real. It is also the reason I posted in the section about religion. Cause talking about Jehovah right now seems to be the only good I can do. Whoever you have in your life that you love, love them like you never did before. Dont take any of them for granted, people get lost, or they go away. Sometimes not knowing what parents should have taught you 3000 miles can get in the way. When people become only a voice or image in your head and you cannot reach out and touch them reality will hit you so hard that you think about just letting go.
No this isnt a plea for help, surly want no pity or anything like that. Maybe even if just one person reads this and gets that what they have could be greater than they knew then I will let a little bit of happiness inside me. I fake laughter, and happiness here most of the time. I must for Mike, he wants me to be happy so much and I am tired of him coming home to an unhappy face, it hurts him. But I am so tired. It isnt easy being stuck in the middle of not wanting life but not being ready to die yet. Leaves me feeling so trapped. Why is it too easy to be in a room full of people and feel so alone? If Mike or Aries ever died I would die right along with them. How would I go on if they weren't here?? That thought keeps me awake at night. I wonder how many people think like that, I dont want to be the only one. Funny how easy it is to write this knowing how many strangers will see it but I couldnt tell anyone I know except Mike and of course Jehovah. I had to get it out, my mind is going so fast. Now all I am left to wonder about, is what will I feel like in the morning?

Typically i'm not one to run around and yell intervention while me and my friends grab the person that needs help and throw them in the back of a van and take them to someone that will "cure" all of their woes. I also wouldn't want to be cured of all my problems. The post you made just the other day concerned me though and this one does also. Because you remind me alittle of me a few years ago. Even colors and sounds lost their brightness, it was as if my eyes were tinted in darkness and I could not see any hope. I changed my life. I think the thing that saved me more than anything was a little hate and anger, I know your not supposed to say that but people always predicted my failure and I decided that I was not going to be beat I would overcome the challenges in my life. I stopped living in a negative manner, I take St. Johns wort which really helps alot. I tried a few medications and didn't like them and how they affected me can't really afford them anyways. I can't tell you how to help your self only what worked for me. Best of luck.

mercyforme,

My heart aches for you. Believe me, you are not alone. I as well have felt that feeling of wondering if perhaps I really wasn't needed here and I thought of slipping away where nothing hurt anymore.

Birddog is right, a little anger can be good. It steels us and fills us with resolve. An anger that says, wait a minute, I don't want my life to be this.

Please, go and talk to a doctor. There are many medications out there that can help lift the darkness. I was perscribed one and it made an amazing difference in my outlook. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for Mike and Aries.

You are not alone. Many have felt what you feel. Know that you can talk to us anytime.

Take heart.

Philippians 4: 6&7 - Do not be anxious about anything, but by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving present your requests to God. And the peace which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Elspeth

Both of you thankyou for what you wrote. I wanted to hear something said about how I feel. I am so sick of this rollercoaster ride of emotions. I dont think it is normal to have my earliest memories spent thinking about ways to die, interesting that my mother knew and didnt do a thing.
You want to know why I chose the name Mercy for me??? The day I signed on here I was fearful of what would happen if I died tomorrow and where I would end up. Now I dont believe the popular heaven and hell thing, I believe I wouldnt exsist. BUt I am afraid I wouldnt come back. I have a husband. When I left and went to Fl it was to see my daughter. While there it was clear I shouldnt get the divorce I was after. So I made the hardest phone call ever and told Mike I wasnt coming back cause my family needed me. God hates a divorce, and my husband didnt want one. I looked at Aries and she was so happy to see me that I couldnt leave. But within 2 months I lost it, I was crying so much over Mike and I was trapped inside, bad bus system couldnt go anywhere and the area I was in was a whole in the earth. I prayed to Jehovah more than I had ever. But cause I was getting so down again I wasnt strong enough to make the meetings at the Kingdom Hall and when you miss the meetings, miss hearing about Jehovah life worsens and I started to think about dying all over again. I had shaken it for awhile cause moving to Wa was wonderful.
I looked at Aries, she looked concerned about me, she would ask me if I missed Mike and I would break down. Mike is the only person in this world who has been able to handle me and never yells at me when I do something so stupid. My husband on the other hand, while he tries he hits a nerver and we fight. The fighting started again and I wasnt able to let him close to me and it was getting to be a very big problem. I ended up trying to hide in the bathroom to cry so Aries wouldnt see me. Which meant I had to send her out of the room a lot which I hated. sometimes I could not get up, I hated it there. All the memories I had that were bad were there and I was so lonely cause all the sisters I knew were super busy. They came by but it wasnt as much as I wanted.
One day I looked at Aries and decided she cant be like me, I cant be there and let her learn to want to die or be unhappy, she is too special and I was about over the edge. Plus I would get phone calls from my mother she wants Aries to stay with her, I asked if I could go but she said she didnt have the room for me there, she loves Aries, the whole world knows how much she loves 'her'....not me. That also was starting to eat away at me.
Sunday morning they went to the Kingdom Hall. Night before I decited that my time should be up cause I am useless. And I love Aries and my husband to much to see them suffer cause Of me. I was going to jump on a plane see Mike one last time then die. Looking at Aries that morning was difficult. I let her wear whichever dress she wanted. Smiled at her a lot, let her watch her show while she ate. Then told her bye that I would see her later, she was upset that I didnt go and she wanted to cry.
I grabbed some money packed so fast that I ended leaving most my stuff. But what did it matter I wasnt going to be around long. I wrote a letter to them, then walked out the door. So you can say my daughter and husband returned home to find me gone.
I wonder what it was like for them many times. A taxi picked me up and I saw he had a bible and I could feel the want to talk to him about it. Which confused me cause I am here getting ready to die, yet there is that want to do what God wants.
On the way over a man on a plane said something funny and I wanted to laugh, but am I not the one who wants to die?? How could I want to laugh?? At the airport there was Mike, he took me and help me and didnt let go. I was so happy to see him, the only person in this world who understands me more than anyone else ever. WE are almost always thinking the same things and we think eachother is funny, not many people get out sense of humor.
Well here I am, have a husband and a boyfriend and I am 3000 miles away from my daughter who I miss terribly. I am thining about moving out till Mike and I can get married cause we both know we are in the wrong, and we care. I have talked to Aries, she said when I wasnt there her daddy cried, I said I am sorry:( I am filling for the divorce....I want him to be able to get a women who will love him and give him what he wants, because I couldnt.
Mercy For Me, is what I was thinking that I pray Jehovah will have for me for all this wrong that I have done. I am goingt o see a doctor cause I am hanging on by a thread. Many will say of course Jehovah will forgive, but you gotta change your actions also. I am so scared to leave here, I have no education, no common sense sometimes, no where to go. The Brothers say tell Jehovah this and pray for a way, cause If I do what Jehovah wants according to his will he will see to it that I am taken care of. There are those days when I am afarid to ask him cause I well know he might fix tyings, but they wouldnt be according to what I want, but I am here for Jehovah so I have to try harder to not be so shellfish. I want to once in my life be happy, and be living in the right, In three months I will be free of a marriage I never wanted. But I hate to be one who said I will, and didnt mean it.

Mercy, it sounds like somewhere someone has told you that you have no worth as a person. That the only reason you exist is to take up space. That you don't deserve happiness. That no one loves you. That each breath you take is a waste of air.

They lied.

It doesn't matter who 'they' are. Your parents, your husband, your chuch, whoever.

They lied.

God doesn't make mistakes. God doesn't make junk. God didn't put us on this earth to be miserable. God will forgive us our mistakes if we ask Him. Even if we can't forgive ourselves.

Remember there _are_ people who love you. Your daughter, if no one else. Your boyfriend. I have a feeling your husband loves you, otherwise he wouldn't have been crying when you left. If you 'check out' there'll be a lot more crying. Including some people who only know you through this forum. Because they care. Because they love you.

I think you picked your name very well. Because God has Mercyforme. He has her in the palm of His hand.

Mercyforme. And mercy for you.

That almost made me cry.......whoever you really are thankyou so so much. The people at the Kingdom Hall and Mike would never say anything to hurt me. Basecially my family and the mean hearted children I grew up with were the ones to warp and destroy.
But I have had one though, Jehovah God is the one who makes each one of us. Yes the man and women have the egg and sperm handy, but The soul come from Jehovah. He made me, why I dont know why me yet when I only seem to do wrong. But I know he loves me. I never though about that before, God giving us each a soul. I get the fullnmeaning of this scripture that is in my head, Paul's confliction between mind, flesh when he said "miserable man that I am! Who will rescue me from undergoing this death?'

Mercyforme,

I read this thread with tears in my eyes and a great saddness in my heart. I prayed for the words that would make all the pain and sorrow go away but I am not eloquent enough express them. So here is my prayer for you.

Lord,

We have someone in pain that needs your help. She has been in pain for a long time and is looking for answers. Please provide her with them. Give her the courage to make the difficult decisions and follow them to a better life.

Just as the sparrow is in your hands, keep her in your hands, protect her while she moves through these troubling times. Bless her, strengthen her, ease her mind and smooth the path to her salvation.

We ask these things in the name of the Father.

May the grace of the Lord Jesus be with you.

I'm not a Christian but I do believe in God, he never told me that he hates a divorce but he does let me know that he does want us to be happy. I also don't think that he just wants us to be able to walk away from a commitment that we swore to, but he understands and if you are truely repentant he will forgive you.

As always my advice is worth what it cost so you decide for yourself best of luck.

"I also wonder if I am hurting God.
I thought about it more seriously, about just dying cause I cant do much good and have messed up big time. And then my life changed, thats when I felt the most gone. And the sadness of life is getting more and more real. It is also the reason I posted in the section about religion. Cause talking about Jehovah right now seems to be the only good I can do. Whoever you have in your life that you love, love them like you never did before. Dont take any of them for granted, people get lost, or they go away. Sometimes not knowing what parents should have taught you 3000 miles can get in the way. When people become only a voice or image in your head and you cannot reach out and touch them reality will hit you so hard that you think about just letting go..."

Mercy, listen to me: it is breaking God's heart to see you so sad and discouraged. He is waiting to give you peace, and wants you to turn to him but then listen to what He says; follow His direction: be brave, don't look back.
If you ask Him for forgiveness, He is going to give it to you. Remember how Christ said if we ask for forgiveness, we receive it and its like the sin has been erased as far as God is concerned?? God will forgive your mistakes; you may have to live with the results of the mistakes, but He's not going to be continually punishing you if you ask for forgiveness!
God's got a plan for you, starting right now - starting right here. He wants more than anything for you to look up!

Everybody again and again Thankyou...I hope no one things I want pity because i dont. It has proven a good thing to get others thoughts cause sometimes they see something I missed.

About Jehovah hating a divorce--Malachi 2:16 " For he hated a divorcing...then it goes onto other things.....

The king james says something else which made no sense to me....But I know when God made Adam and Eve he made them to be together forever, he made that arrangement and it should not be taken lightly. So I do fear how he views me for divorcing without grounds to.
When I married my husband it was cause I found God was not in favor of me just living with a guy, and we had Aries already which was the only reason we were together. To make things right we married. But then later he stopped studing with the witnesses, then I didnt pay much attention to Gods word and we were fighting worse and worse than before. My depression also is a big stumbling block and makes it hard for me to do things.
But I decited that I am going to take the fall, let Jehovah have dealings with me so he can get married one day to a person he will love and who will love him back. Cause now a days he is trying hard to please Jehovah, and he tries to be nice to me. I am prayin a lot that I have enough time to do this and then get myself in good standing with Jehovah before I die or this system, this world ends and then I am done.

Right now time is an issue.....

Mercy! I just read this all for the first time. I am not eloquent with words at all, but I just want you to know I hear and feel your words. I will be praying for you.

I would also suggest that you see a doctor and have someone to talk to about these feelings. Like Elspeth said, there are many medications out there that can help you feel better and right now you need to be taking care of yourself to do just that.........feel better so you can be the person God intended you to be and to be helpful to others. I can see in your posts that you appear to be a very loving, caring person. But right now you need to fight to survive and for all those that care about you..............especially your daughter.

just wanted to let you guys know I have a doctors appt made by the great people from the food stamp place--in a few days, so help is finally on it's way

Mercy! I am so happy to hear that! Bless you, friend!

Thankyou

I'm so happy! I hope you get the help you deserve. I'll be praying for you. Please keep us posted!

Give yourself a big hug for me.
Todd