Pub humour, Jokes o'plenty

[fiferbob]

A woman was stopped on the street by a ragged Scotsman. " Could you spare a dollar for something to eat, lady ? "
" Why are you begging - a big strong man like you ? I would think you'd be ashamed."
" Lady, " he said, removing his hat and bowing. " I am a sad and disappointed Highland romanticist. I have woven dreams of cobweb stuff and the wild West wind has swept them away. And so I have turned to this profession - the only one I know in which a Scottish gentleman can address the most beautiful woman in all of Scotland without the formality of an introduction."
" Yes, he got five dollars."

[fiferbob]

My wife says if I don't quit golf, she'll leave me." "That's too bad."
"Aye, I'll miss her."

[fiferbob]

"Why are you sad. Sandy ? "
" My wife said she wouldn't talk to me for 30 days."
" Why should that make you so sad?"
" Today is her last day ! "

[fiferbob]

A Scotsman was arguing with the conductor as to whether the fare was 25 or 50 cents. Finally the disgusted conductor picked up the Scotsman's suitcase and tossed it off the train, just as they passed over a bridge. It landed with a splash.
" Man, " screamed the Scot, " isn't enough to try to overcharge me, but now you try to drown my little boy !

[fiferbob]

A Scots pessimist is a man who feels badly when he feels good for fear he'll feel worse when he feels better.



Mother was Irish and very, very proud of it.
Father was Scotch.... and very, very fond of it.

[maisky]

Irish humor:

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and drink the juice."

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful." Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say
That before, so she stayed by his side.

A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said,"You're cute."

The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute." She asked, "What happened to beautiful?"

The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the
Creature." Muldoon said,

"I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"


Laugh, and the whole world laughs with you, Snore, and you sleep alone.

[Scotsman2k]

Two Scots walk out of a bar.........It could happen!

[Robert Phoenix]

Reagan's Last Words

I don't know whether or not you watched the memorial service for Ronald Reagan, but if you did, you probably noticed that Bill and Hillary were both dozing off.
President Ronald Reagan, who never missed a chance for a good one-liner, raised his head out of his casket and said...
"I see the Clintons are finally sleeping together."

[Elspeth]

What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?


- Homeless

[Elspeth]

Another e-mail gem.....



By following the simple advice I heard on the Dr. Phil show, I have
finally found inner peace.

Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the
things you've started and never finished".

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a
bottle of Chardonnay, a bottle of white Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's
Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, all of the Doritos and a box of
chocolates.

You have absolutely no idea how freaking good I feel right now!

Dang, that Dr. Phil is smart!

[Brendan]

Little Zachary was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried
everything... Tutors, Mentors, flash cards, Special learning centers.
In short, everything they could think of to help his math. Finally, in
a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the
local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home
with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother
Hello.
Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and
papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at

work.
His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner. To her shock,
the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and

in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went
on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand
what made all the difference.
Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid
it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great
trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, little
Zachary got an "A" in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.
She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"
Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no. "Well, then," she
replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms?
"WHAT WAS IT ALREADY?"

Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of
school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't

fooling around."

[Jimmy Carbomb]

Casey and O'Reilly are both in Miami Beach one day when they pass each other on the street.
"Casey? What are you doing here so far from Dublin?""Well O'Reilly, I had a fire at the shop and decided to take a vacation with the insurance money."
"Geesh Casey. Is everything else okay?"
"Oh, yah. Wife's healthy and we're happy as ever. How about you, O'Reilly?"
"Well, I had a flood at the store and decided to come here to get away from the terrible distraction."
"Geesh O'Reilly that's tough! But one thing...
how in the world did you learn to start a flood?"

[Robert Phoenix]

Now, That's Italian

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,
"You try again."

[blackcloud1129]

THE REDHEAD

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,” she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater, followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

They had a wonderful, wonderful time!!

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! "You know, "he said, "You are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "

"No, "she replies. . . "

"You just happened to catch my eye."

[Robert Phoenix]

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help
in reviving her husband's libido .

"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor .

"Not a chance," she said . "He won't even take an aspirin."

"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Give him an "Irish
Viagra." It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He
won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me
know how things went."

It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly
inquired as to progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith,
bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!"

"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the
effect was almost immediate . He jumped straight up, with a twinkle
in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of
his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to
tatters and took me then and there, took me passionately on the
tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"

"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your
husband provided wasn't good?"

" Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin'
here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"