Pub humour, Jokes o'plenty

[MDF3530]

Just an observation...

Has anyone else ever noticed that 99% of all good jokes all start with, in one form or another, the phrase "a guy walks into a bar..." ?

[Jimmy Carbomb]

A guy walks into a "department store" to get a pint of "paint".  On his way to the "sale bin", he accidentally elbows a woman in the "chestal region".

"Maam," he says, "if your heart's as soft as your 'chestal region', surely you'll forgive me."

"Sir," she replies, "if your 'screwdriver' is as hard as your elbow... we need to exchange numbers".

*This post brought to you by The Committee to Eliminate "A guy walks into a bar" Jokes, and the censors for the Moral Majority.

[tartangal]

LOL
        Jules

[MDF3530]

Not a joke but this attachment is still funny.

The attachment is yesterday's Grand Avenue comic strip. For those of you unaware of Grand Avenue, the characters are fraternal twins Gabby (the girl) and Mike (the boy), their grandma Kate (who, for unspecified reasons, the kids live with), and their dog, Rudy. I'm a fan of the strip, so I thought I'd pass this one along.

[Jimmy Carbomb]

Well, a Scotsman clad in kilt left a bar one evening fair,
And one could tell by how he walked that he'd drunk more than his share.
He fumbled 'round until he could no longer keep his feet,
And he stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street.

About that time two young and lovely girls just happend by,
One says to the other with a twinkle in her eye:
"See yon sleeping Scotsman, so strong and handsome built?
I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt!"

They crept up on that sleeping Scotsman quiet as could be;
Lifted up his kilt about an inch so they could see.
And there, behold, for them to view beneath his Scottish skirt,
Was nothin' more than God had graced him with upon his birth.

They marvelled for a moment, then one said: "We must be gone.
Let's leave a present for our friend before we move along."
As a gift they left a blue silk ribbon tied into a bow,
Around the bonnie star the Scotsman's kilt did lift and show.

Now the Scotsman woke to nature's call, and stumbled towards the trees.
Behind the bush he lifts his kilt, and gawks at what he sees.
And in a startled voice he says, to what's before his eyes,
"Oh, lad I don't know where ye been, but I see ye won first prize!"

[barddas]

Great Song Gaelic Bread!  I have that on a old Dr. Demento album....


guess thay had to move that sporran too!!! LOL!

[free2Bme]

It looks like both of you boys are singing the "blues" perhaps King Mac should change the color of your rank???

[CelticAingeal]

 *lol* GB, I love that song.  
I remember the first time I heard it I laughed till m'sides were sore.  

[MDF3530]

Quote (CelticAingeal @ May 23 2003,1:53)

*lol* GB, I love that song.   I remember the first time I heard it I laughed till m'sides were sore.

The Scottsman still makes me laugh!!!

[tartangal]

Came across this joke today and thought it might tickle you.
 

      This man had a parrot which swore like a sailor.It was able to swear for a full five minutes without any repetition. The trouble was, the owner was a quiet, conservative man who was very distressed by the bad language.
      Eventually it just got too much, so the guy grabbed the bird by the throat and shook it hard, yelling "Quit it!".This only made the bird angry and so its swearing was worse than ever.
     This made the owner very angry so he locked the bird in a kitchen cabinet.This really got the bird mad. He scratched and clawed until the man let him out and immediately let forth  a torrent of obscenities that would make an old sailor blush.
    The guy was so annoyed that he grabbed the bird and threw it into the freezer.At first the swearing continued with the sound of the bird scratching and clawing.Then it suddenly went quiet.
   At first the man was so relieved that he just waited.But after a couple of minutes there was still no sound from the freezer so the guy opened the door , fearing that he had hurt the bird.
  The bird calmly hopped out and onto the man's arm and said "I'm terribly sorry for the trouble I've given you.I'll try my best to watch my language from now on."
 The man was astounded,what had come over the parrot?
   Then the parrot asked "By the way, what did the chicken do?"


                              Jules

[Jimmy Carbomb]

I DO love a good clean joke!

[brettzky42]

The Setting: Typical Irish Pub

A guy stumbles up to another guy and offers to buy him a beer. The second guy says, "Thanks...Hey, do I know you from somewhere?"

The first guy drains his beer and says, "I dunno, where you from?"

The second guy says, "I'm from Ireland." "No kidding," says the first guy, "I'm from Ireland, too."

The second guy says, "Well, I'm from Dublin." The first guy says, "Holy moley, I'M FROM DUBLIN, TOO!"

The second guy says, "What school did you go to? I graduated from St. Mary's in '69." "Incredible," says the first, "I graduated from St. Mary's in '69, too!"

Another guy watching from across the bar says to the bartender, "What's going on there?"

The bartender says, "Not much...the O'Malley twins are drunk again."

[MDF3530]

QUOTE (brettzky42 @ May 27 2003, 04:29 PM)

The Setting: Typical Irish Pub A guy stumbles up to another guy and offers to buy him a beer. The second guy says, "Thanks...Hey, do I know you from somewhere?" The first guy drains his beer and says, "I dunno, where you from?" The second guy says, "I'm from Ireland." "No kidding," says the first guy, "I'm from Ireland, too." The second guy says, "Well, I'm from Dublin." The first guy says, "Holy moley, I'M FROM DUBLIN, TOO!" The second guy says, "What school did you go to? I graduated from St. Mary's in '69." "Incredible," says the first, "I graduated from St. Mary's in '69, too!" Another guy watching from across the bar says to the bartender, "What's going on there?" The bartender says, "Not much...the O'Malley twins are drunk again."

That's been posted here before...

Sorry to break it to you...

[Knightly Knight]

Now do you wake up Crabby? Or just let her sleep?

[brettzky42]

So, Gaelic Bread did post the O'Malley twins joke. No more free jokes for you, Jim.