Pub humour, Jokes o'plenty

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A coworker stormed into my friend's office, yelling, "Did you tell Joan I was a witch?!" Stunned, my friend sputtered, "No! I don't know how she found out."

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Two guys are out drinking when one of them falls off his barstool and lies motionless on the floor.

"One thing about Fred," his buddy says to the bartender. "He knows when to stop."

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Blessed are those who engage in lively conversation with the helplessly mute, for they shall be called dentists.

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A man really loved a woman, but he was just too shy to propose to her. Now he was up in his years and neither of them had ever been married. Of course, they dated about once a week for the past six years, but he was so timid he just never got around to suggesting marriage much less living together. But one day, he became determined to ask her the question. So he calls her on the phone, "June." "Yes, this is June." "Will you marry me?" "Of course I will! Who's this?"

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Many years ago,when drive-ins were going under, we had a friend, who I'll call John, who owned a drive-in and was trying to earn enough money to support his family. He decided to give a series of rock concerts. Now, while rock concerts bring in money, they are not noted for being quiet. The neighbors complained. In fact, the neighbors took him to court. My husband had been taking tickets at the concert,so he was one of the people who found himself on the witness stand. Since we did not live near the drive-in, the prosecuting attorney asked my husband, Bob, how he had met John. Bob began a long-winded story about how his wallet had fallen out of his pants when we had patronized the drive-in one night. John tried to mail it to us at the address on the driver's license. After it had been returned twice, he looked up our phone number and called us. (At this point, Bob could tell that the prosecuting attorney really, really wished he hadn't asked this question, but since he was the one who asked, and Bob was giving a truthful answer, he couldn't legally tell Bob to stop talking. Naturally, the defending attorney had no intention of telling Bob to be quiet. He was enjoying the look on the prosecuting attorney's face too much.) Bob gave him directions and John and his family drove over 60 miles to return the wallet, complete with everything in it, including all the money.

At this point, the defending attorney leaned over to John and whispered, "G-D saint and a half, aren't you?"

With Bob's testimony, John won his case

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My five-year-old grandson was looking through some old photos when he noticed his grandfather in his Marine dress blues. "What kind of costume is that?" he asked

"That's not a costume," I growled. "Men have died for that uniform."

The boy looked up and said, "So you stole it, then?"

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I was meeting a friend in a bar and as I went in, I noticed two pretty girls looking at me.

"Nine," I heard one whisper as I passed.

Feeling pleased with myself, I swaggered over to my buddy and told him a girl had just rated me a nine out of ten.

"I don't want to ruin it for you," he said, "but when I walked in, they were speaking German."

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Nowadays, when a speaker tells the graduates that the future is theirs, is that a promise or a threat?

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A Texan was standing admiring the beauty of Niagara Falls when a New Yorker standing next to him said: "I bet you don't have anything like this in Texas."

"No" said the Texan, "but we've got plumbers who could fix it!"

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A real estate agent, wrote an ad for a house she was listing. The house had a second-floor suite that could be accessed using a lift chair that slid along the staircase. Quickly describing this feature, she inadvertently made it sound even more attractive; "Mother-in-law suite comes with an electric chair."

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Jim was telling a friend that he had been fired from his factory job.

"Why did the foreman fire you?" asked the friend.

"Oh," said Jim, "you know what foremen are like. They stand around with their hands in their pockets all day, watching other people do the work."

"We all know that," replied the friend, "but why did he let you go?"

"Jealousy," said Jim. "All the other workers thought I was the foreman."

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A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little Old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had Cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but One day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said She would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took Down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was In the box. When he opened it, he found two knitted dolls And a stack of money totaling $95,000.

He asked her about the contents.

'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me The secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that If I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and knit a doll.'

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two Precious dolls were in the box. She had only been an! gry with him two Times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with Happiness.

'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?'

'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'

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"You Might Be A Yankee If..."

You think Heinz Ketchup is SPICY!

You've watched the movie "Deliverance" and you're afraid to ever go on a camping trip.

For breakfast, you'd rather have potatoes than grits.

You can name at least 4 hockey teams.

You don't know what a moon pie is.

You've never eaten Okra.

You wonder why people in restaurants don't talk as loud as you do.

You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-and-knife show.

You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.

You've never had grain alcohol.

You are familiar with all the rules to Lacrosse.

You have no idea what a polecat is.

You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.

You don't have bangs.

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At my granddaughter's wedding, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married longest. It turned out to be my husband and I who had been.

The DJ asked us, "What advice would you give to the newly-married couple?"

I said, "The three most important words in a marriage are, 'You're probably right.'"

Everyone then looked at my husband. He said, "She's probably right."

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When a young announcer was raising funds on a local public television station, a woman called in and told the volunteer operator she would donate a hundred dollars if the announcer would shave off his beard.

He agreed to help the cause and returned to work clean-shaven.

The following day, the check arrived from his mother.

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