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Celtic Radio Community > Fun N Games > Really Bad Advice


Posted by: Sekhmet 30-Apr-2007, 08:57 PM
Ok, new game I just learned and spent the afternoon about hurting myself reading and playing it.

Rules are simple.

First poster (me) asks a question. You reply with *the* worst advice you could possibly come up with to answer. Then follow it up with your own question.

Ready?

Ok, so my mother in law is coming to dinner for her birthday. What should I cook?

Posted by: Antonio 30-Apr-2007, 09:37 PM
You should cook her a meal of banana slugs and earth worms sauted in horse radish and vinegar sauce, and for the main course Deep fried fresh road kill possum and some Pine needle tea to wash it all down. And a birthday cake made with diced onions and whole garlic, also 102 candles on it.

One of the drivers just called me and told me! he bent the new bumper we just put on his truck last Friday evening. What should I do?.

Posted by: Sekhmet 30-Apr-2007, 10:57 PM
Ask him if he buried the body. wink.gif

I'm going back to school next fall. What classes should I take?

Posted by: Lady of the Loch 01-May-2007, 06:19 AM
statistics of course! Make sure you don't buy any calculators or books to help too, cause it would just be a waste of your time. Don't visit a tutor and don't show up half the time, you will do fine wink.gif

I have poison ivy on my arms from working in the yard this weekend, what should I do?

Posted by: Sekhmet 01-May-2007, 06:52 PM
Keep scratching. Every time you think about it, give it a scratch. Oh, and if you can get it to spread, that makes it *thinner*, so it will clear up faster. Might want to consider bathing it with kerosene every so often. It helps.


I have a very small house...what kind of dog should I get?

Posted by: Lady of the Loch 02-May-2007, 05:47 AM
A St. Bernard would be just fine! Don't mind the dog hair either, it only adds to the place!

I dropped some eggs on the floor this morning, what should I do with them?

Posted by: Líadan Siofra 02-May-2007, 04:06 PM
Scoop them up into a pan, lightly scramble them (shells and all, of course) and enjoy!

I have an appointment with a college counselor tomorrow. What should I say to him?

Posted by: mydogisaleprechaun 02-May-2007, 10:18 PM
burst though the door, let the light aroma of cigarettes and hard liquor follow you in. simply tell him your late because you've been stung out and drunk for the entirety of last week. To top it all off, your alarm clock didn't go off because you pawned it for drug money...You WOULD'VE been there on time but you had to get the taste of scotch whiskey and hooker spit out of your mouth! This must be said with a straight face, and look like you're about to topple over...even though you're sitting down!

Posted by: maisky 03-May-2007, 05:48 AM
You might consider taking MORE perscription drugs, so that you dont forget to keep the thread going... tongue.gif

My boss thinks I spend too much time posting on CR. What should I do?

Posted by: pflanary 03-May-2007, 06:33 AM
Keep posting--after all what's more important? Earning a lliving or having fun!

I want a new job, what should I do?

PS thanks for starting this, Sekhmet--looks like it will be great fun!

Posted by: maisky 03-May-2007, 07:06 AM
Dress in a really short skirt and stand on the street corner. Smile and wave at all the cars that go by.

My wife just bought me a new bass boat, how should I repay her kindness?

Posted by: Sekhmet 03-May-2007, 01:36 PM
Why, with lots of bass, of course! Plunk 'em on the counter she just cleaned not ten minutes ago and announce you'll be drinking beer on the porch if she goes looking for you for dinner. Mmm...bass.

My son is turning into a climber-baby. Should I start moving the furniture around?

Posted by: pflanary 04-May-2007, 09:02 AM
Rearrange the furniture to give him more and higher things to climb. You may want to change it around periodically to give him new challenges.

My house desperately needs cleaning, what should I do?

Posted by: John Clements 04-May-2007, 10:35 AM
Move, or just stay out side, either way its cleaner.

My brother-in-law’s 60th birthday is coming up, and I was thinking of toasting him at the party by saying: Come on man… You don’t look 60… You look more like 65. What do you think?

Posted by: Aaediwen 04-May-2007, 04:31 PM
Naaw, probably something like "To the man who ages the best of anyone on the planet! We really thought you were 80!"

Top that off with telling him you've already found a good retirement home for him.

Just bought a brand new Ferrarri.... (no, not really. I'd not shame the car that much even if I could afford it)

Posted by: haynes9 06-May-2007, 07:34 AM
Show the teens that you're a cool dude! Let them all take it for a spin around the block! After all, they'll be very careful with it!

I'm buying new leather furniture for the wife. What should I do with the old stuff?

Posted by: Lady of the Loch 07-May-2007, 03:05 PM
throw it out on the side of the road so it can draw bugs, animals and more junk and make the highways look a little more trashy


I am frustrated with everything today, what should I do?

Posted by: Aaediwen 07-May-2007, 03:49 PM
Get a couple pounds of C4 and a 9V battery. And then take it to Washington DC to see how far you get. And if anyone in any manner of uniform asks you about it, tell them it's a joke. bet they'd think it's really funny. Might even give you free room and board for a while.

Heading out to the desert for a while to get away. Advice?

Posted by: Líadan Siofra 07-May-2007, 05:14 PM
For starters, don't take any water, or anything to carry water in. Don't bother with sunscreen either- all that talk about skin cancer is just a marketing ploy. Other things you won't need- a tent, sleeping bag, hat, food (there's a McDonalds practically everywhere these days!), and compass or GPS. When you get to the desert, just pick a direction and walk for a couple of hours, then see where you end up! You'll probably be away from it all!

I don't want to go to work tonight. Should I?

Posted by: maisky 07-May-2007, 06:54 PM
Go to work? Why do that? Better to go to a bar for a couple dozen drinks. Then you can go back out on your street corner... biggrin.gif

My wife is frustrated with housebreaking the puppy, what should I do?

Posted by: Simon_ig 08-May-2007, 01:59 AM
Get a new wife.


The hard drive in my laptop no longer has room for additional "critical" updates from Microsoft. What should I do?

Posted by: John Clements 08-May-2007, 07:14 AM
If it’s “critical” rush it to the emergency room, then you can visit it in ICU. Or you can just throw it into the dishwasher. That should clean it out.

When ever I’m driving, my wife flinches so much. I have to breathe into a paper bag to hyperventilate, any ideas?

Posted by: haynes9 09-May-2007, 11:07 PM
Just go ahead and hyperventilate! That will teach your wife to stop flinching! And while you're at it, act like you've passed out at the wheel. That's always great for a few laughs!

Gotta replace the catalytic converter on the church van. Any good recommended shortcuts on this job?

Posted by: pflanary 14-May-2007, 11:05 AM
Just don't replace it at all. Who cares about the extra pollution anyway?

I want to get a different job in my field, but my contract has a three year non-competition clause. What should I do?

Posted by: haynes9 14-May-2007, 08:51 PM
Walk in the office and ask your boss what he's so afraid of! DARE him to invoke that clause! Tell him you're not afraid because you don't think he has the guts!

BTW, I'll be starting a jail ministry soon. See you there tongue.gif !

My youngest son is coming home for a couple of days this weekend. What can we do to make it special?

Posted by: pflanary 15-May-2007, 08:26 AM
Why bother doing any thing special? Assign him all the chores he didn't have to do while he was away.

I can't listen to Highlander Radio at home because I can only afford a dialup connection. What should I do.

Posted by: John Clements 18-May-2007, 07:29 AM
Throw a rent party and invite “the Chieftains”.

My house is overflowing with stuff, and my daughter just came home from school. With twice as much stuff as she left with.

Posted by: haynes9 18-May-2007, 08:30 AM
Have a garage sale and sell all of her stuff without her knowing it. If she gets mad, tell her it's your way of showing her that materialism is an inherent evil. (and duck while she throws what's left at you!).

I need to visit with some folks that are staying at the cabin next to our house, but I also have a ton of work to do. Advise me, oh great ones!

Posted by: John Clements 18-May-2007, 12:34 PM
Visiting always trumps doing a ton of work. Besides you might get a hernia.


Please not another garage sail. Why these days even The Salvation Army locks the doors, whenever they see me coming. Now she’s talking about putting her stuff in storage, but what I’m wondering is: who is going to pay for it?

Posted by: Lady of the Loch 18-May-2007, 07:23 PM
you are of course, cost you an arm and a leg for the smallest one there, but then that isn't big enough to hold it all, and it will cost you more money than you expected every month!

got a ton of homework to do, how do I get motivated?

Posted by: Líadan Siofra 18-May-2007, 09:58 PM
Ah, who needs homework? Instead of doing it, make up a few really good excuses so your teachers will let you off the hook.

I'm starting college on Monday. Any tips?

Posted by: haynes9 18-May-2007, 11:19 PM
Be sure and disagree with your profs at every opportunity. They will love your independent thinking and will surely give you high grades! And don't hesitate to buy last year's tests from an upper classman. They would NEVER lead a Newbie astray!

Going to Phoenix tomorrow and my car's AC is on the blink. How should I stay cool?

Posted by: John Clements 19-May-2007, 09:13 AM
1. Wear a jump suit.
2. Duct tape all the cuffs of the jump suit tightly closed.
3. Dump ice cubes down the neck of the jump suit, until it’s completely full. You might also consider only driving at night, or only in the shade.

Aside from my house being full of stuff, the outside is in grave need of painting. So, should I sand and scrape the old paint off, or should I just let nature run its course, and wait until the old paint falls off by itself?

Posted by: Lady of the Loch 19-May-2007, 10:28 AM
Forget all that, just paint over the peeled stuff and with a different color so it will shine through, there's nothing like a multicolored house biggrin.gif

I have to water the garden today, how should I do that?

Posted by: John Clements 19-May-2007, 11:37 AM
Drink a lot of water.


It’s my wife’s birthday, and I've run out of ideas, what should I do?

Posted by: Líadan Siofra 19-May-2007, 01:33 PM
Get her some tools, fishing gear, etc, so you can use it if she doesn't want it. Just wrap it up real nice and give her a card, and she won't mind.

I want to get my own car, but don't have enough money for a good used one. What should I do?

Posted by: maisky 19-May-2007, 04:34 PM
What to do? Steal a beamer! It is all the rage!

I like my young female neighbor, what should i do so i dont alert my wife?

Posted by: pflanary 21-May-2007, 10:33 AM
Your wife will find out eventually, so why go to all the trouble to sneak around?

(BTW, love John Clements advice above.)


My office manager/secretary went home sick leaving me all alone in the office--what should I do?

Posted by: Sekhmet 21-May-2007, 11:25 PM
Work naked! Nobody will know...think of all the laughs you'll have answering the phone! Besides, housekeeping doesn't gossip, you'll be fine.

My daughter is getting to the age where it's time for "the talk". What should I tell her?

Posted by: maisky 22-May-2007, 05:27 AM
Tell her that she can get all the information she needs by asking the boys at her school to explain it to her.

My youngest daughter is moving back in with us (for the 9th time). What rules should I give her?

Posted by: pflanary 22-May-2007, 07:30 AM
No rules. Instead encourage her to dress sexy, go clubbing and date anyone she can get her hands on--maybe she will meet someone else she can live with.

My 40 lb. adult dog thinks she's a puppy. She bounces around, runs into my poor knees and over the cats and chews anything plastic (including my laptop cord) or that has a whiff of food on it--especially if its in the trash. What should I do?

Posted by: John Clements 22-May-2007, 08:49 AM
It sounds to me like she needs a night out.

I’ve been painting the kitchen now, for what seems like a month, when will it end?

(On a side note: Have you noticed a tad of larceny, with maisky advice? I mean… stealing a car, and checking out the girl next door? Could it be… an Achilles heel)?

Posted by: maisky 22-May-2007, 09:07 AM
QUOTE (pflanary @ 22-May-2007, 07:30 AM)
No rules.  Instead encourage her to dress sexy, go clubbing and date anyone she can get her hands on--maybe she will meet someone else she can live with.


I thought this was supposed to be BAD advise? unsure.gif This sounds GOOD!

Painting the kitchen to end? It wont end. It will go on forever...You have died and are in hell...Maybe if you kill a chicken in the middle of the kitchen it will help...be sure to spread the blood widely.

The IRS sent me back too much money...what should I do with it?

Posted by: pflanary 22-May-2007, 09:49 AM
Spend it quickly before they ask for it back!

Posted by: John Clements 22-May-2007, 03:51 PM
Of course you could spend the money, but I think that you should send it to me. I’ll invest it for you.

I just came into some money. I think I'll put it on: Let It Ride in the fifth, unless someone else has a better idea?

Posted by: TheCarolinaScotsman 22-May-2007, 04:38 PM
Buy a sample of every brewery so you can determine the best product. NOTE: You may have to run this comparison multiple times.

My wife's dog (who she loves dearly) hates me and will attack for no reason. How can I change this?

Posted by: Sekhmet 23-May-2007, 07:59 PM
Change your deodorant and aftershave...I suggest A-1 and Lea & Perrin's.

My father needs to quit smoking, but he can't snack because he's on a diet. How else can he help to kick the habit?

Posted by: pflanary 24-May-2007, 07:11 AM
Let him smoke--everyone dies of something soon or later--just make sure he smokes where he can't pollute anyone elses lungs.

I'm having trouble getting up in the morning. What should I do?

Posted by: Aaediwen 24-May-2007, 03:31 PM
It's simple. Don't. It'll do wonders for your sleep cycle. Not to mention employers love it.

Trying to get started with investing. Advice?

Posted by: Líadan Siofra 24-May-2007, 03:59 PM
Investing? Try buying a bunch of stuff, using it, then selling it in a couple of years. If you're lucky, you'll make some money!

I have a headache, and pain reliever didn't work. What should I do?

Posted by: pflanary 25-May-2007, 10:21 AM
Drop something REALLY heavy on your foot--the agony in your foot will make you forget about your headache.

I've hidden my checkbook from myself somewhere. What should I do?

Posted by: John Clements 25-May-2007, 12:51 PM
I don’t know… starve?


While taking a brake from painting the never ending kitchen, I went out in the back yard for a brake (one of many) to whiteness an air born aerial assault on my weed free lawn. It looks as though one of my neighbors, have let their Dandelion lawn come to seed. What should I do?

Posted by: Sekhmet 25-May-2007, 04:46 PM
Pshaw, it's nothing a little gasoline and a lighter won't cure.

My nine year old wants to cook dinner. She won't let me into the kitchen. Should I pull rank and insist?

Posted by: zeryx 27-May-2007, 08:20 AM
No certainly not, just ask her if she needs you to light the blow torch to finish off the desert wink.gif

My 17 year old just left school, hasn't got a job and is driving me crazy with his laziness around the house ... what should I do?!

Posted by: John Clements 29-May-2007, 08:53 AM
Since this is supposed to be a game, I’ll assume that this problem with your 17 year old son is exaggerated. Given that it is an exaggeration, I would suggest (the work for food program). It’s simple… Either he get off your butt, and do something, or he can start looking for food in a dumpster.

Maybe it’s an elderly moment, but I’m having a problem… coming up with a problem, any ideas?

Posted by: haynes9 30-May-2007, 01:19 PM
Hey John, just read the platform of the Republican Party! You'll have enough problems to fill up this thread and have more fodder for the politics thread! Just watch your blood pressure!

My No. #2 son is getting married in December. I'm supposed to do the actual wedding. Any nice new twists I can add to the vows? (Boy, am I a sucker for putting this one out!)

Posted by: pflanary 30-May-2007, 01:51 PM
I vote for taking the obey part out of the bride's vow and putting it in the groom's.

Oh, right this is supposed to be BAD advice.

Weddings are so much trouble--tell them just to elope. Wait, that's not bad advice either.

Anyone else have a suggestion?

Posted by: haynes9 31-May-2007, 06:42 AM
the elope thing sounds great! Save a chunk of change?

Do you think I should be concerned that her dad has a shotgun?

Posted by: pflanary 31-May-2007, 07:41 AM
Nah. What's the worst he could do? As the son of a hillbilly, you should know that a shotgun is tradition at a wedding!

I have a migraine but can't go home because my office manager is leaving town and our boss won't let me close the office. What should I do?

Posted by: haynes9 31-May-2007, 09:05 AM
Just walk out! What's the worst thing that could happen? Just give the keys to the custodian and tell him to shut things down!

I really need to paint the house. Any ideas to make the job easier?

Posted by: pflanary 31-May-2007, 09:20 AM
Get a really big sprayer and paint everything the same color--trim, windows, whatever

I'm starving and I still have 40 minutes until lunchtime-what should I do?

Posted by: haynes9 31-May-2007, 07:32 PM
Just go to lunch right now! Print about 500 copies of something on the company printer and just leave. Your coworkers will hear the machine running and think you're still there!

A family in our church wants to paint the auditorium, but the color is a little darker than I want. How can I get them to choose a lighter color and not offend them?

Posted by: pflanary 01-Jun-2007, 09:23 AM
Who cares if they are offended as long as you get the color you want. If they get their feelings, hurt they can find another church.

Posted by: haynes9 10-Jun-2007, 01:58 PM
Wow, I may try that, but I may get tossed if I do tongue.gif !

And your need for advice is . . .?

Posted by: pflanary 12-Jun-2007, 08:22 AM
Oops again.
My dog keeps coming home filthy just as I am leaving for work in the morning (she likes to roll in the cow pasture then find some water or wet grass to roll in)--what should I do?

Posted by: JaneyMae 12-Jun-2007, 10:07 AM
Either put up a fense or kennel her until you can get home from work to bathe her.

My department chair has been a shrew to me and I am dreading going back to work in August. What can I do? How do I work with the wicked witch of the west?

Posted by: haynes9 12-Jun-2007, 10:20 PM
Tell her your not going to take anymore and knock the living daylights out of her! After you've slashed her tires! And then dare her to call the police!

My 19 year old son wants advice about why women think the way they do. What key thing should I tell him?

Posted by: pflanary 13-Jun-2007, 10:49 AM
Women are a mystery and no man can ever truly understand them so why try?

My boss in back from a trip today and I am having anxiety attacks thinking he will call this office and fuss because my numbers are low this month. What should I do?


Posted by: haynes9 14-Jun-2007, 06:33 AM
First of all, just don't take your bosses calls. Tell the old battleaxe that you are too busy making money for the company to be bothered by a lackey. Next, inflate your numbers for this month. You can always make it up next month.

My diet has gone pretty well. I am right around my target weight. What should my next step be?

Posted by: marti64 14-Jun-2007, 10:50 AM
Keep up the good work!!!! and whatever you do, don't step on the scale...(How can I give bad advice for that Mark?!!??!!)

I have the rest of the week off...and then have to go back to work on Monday...What if my boss leaves me a mound of peperwork to catch up on?

Posted by: haynes9 14-Jun-2007, 12:09 PM
Isn't it sad that you "accidentally" left the window open and the paperwork mysteriously disappeared?

I'm cleaning off the porch today. Should I clean it once or twice?

Posted by: pflanary 15-Jun-2007, 12:09 PM
Cleaning it .once is enough work--in fact, why not take a break 1/2 way through and just never get back to it.

Posted by: JaneyMae 15-Jun-2007, 06:14 PM
and your part here would be?????

I'll go back to Haynes

Clean the porch once and take a break half way through (like Pflanary said). What's the point of finishing something once you've stopped?

I've got to drive to Salt Lake City to see a surgeon next week, should I arrive early or on time?


Posted by: rhatcher1313 17-Jun-2007, 06:56 PM
Arrive late & drunk, advise surgeon how to do operation the RIGHT way....... Ok, I'm late for a date, this is first date w/ her, what do I say ? dontgetit.gif

Posted by: pflanary 18-Jun-2007, 07:12 AM
Don't apoligize for being late. Act like she sould be thrilled that you showed up at all. Most of all, act like you are God's gift to women.

My office manager/secretary who is the only other person in this office is driving me crazy being obsessive/compulsive. What should I do when she is telling me something for the 10th time in GREAT detail?

Posted by: JaneyMae 25-Jun-2007, 10:27 AM
Ask her to repeat it again because you are having difficulty understanding the words coming out of her mouth - has she been sucking on marbles?

Ok - We can't get the boat people to fix the bottom of the boat (it leaks) and now the steering is broken because they "fixed" it. What do I do?

Posted by: pflanary 25-Jun-2007, 11:04 AM
'Borrow' their boat until they fix yours and head out to sea. That way when the cops show up they won't be able to find you.


I have time off next week, what should I do to pass the time?

Posted by: JaneyMae 25-Jun-2007, 11:07 AM
Go over to your office managers house, sneak in the back door and put marbles in her cereal. She'll never notice.

I want to buy a new car but really can't afford it - what should I do?

Posted by: Lady of the Loch 26-Jun-2007, 08:36 AM
Rob a bank then go all out and get the best car on the market wink.gif

I have to clean house, where should I start?

Posted by: pflanary 26-Jun-2007, 12:03 PM
Start with something up high so you can 'fall' off the ladder and break your arm. That way you won't be able to clean and will get to rest up.

I have ants on my worktable. I don't want to harm them, so how do I get rid of them?

Posted by: Lady of the Loch 26-Jun-2007, 12:06 PM
you put food on your table so they all swarm their, then set the table on fire, that should work!

I have to go to another town tonight for a softball game, how should I get there?

Posted by: pflanary 27-Jun-2007, 09:53 AM
Run cross country--be sure to leave early enough!

Uh, I said I didn't want to harm the ants--I'd say burning them would hurt.

My da went to my sister's in FL and I can't reach him, what should I do?

Posted by: sisterknight 27-Jun-2007, 10:16 AM
send in the army!!


a neighbour broke her washing machine and wants to use ours, what should i do?

Posted by: Lady of the Loch 27-Jun-2007, 12:49 PM
let her borrow it, but make sure she brings it back when she is finished wink.gif

I need to go to the store and buy some new sandals, what kind should I get?

Posted by: pflanary 29-Jun-2007, 08:29 AM
Ones with 4" spike heels and only minimal strapes.

I have a pile of trash and recyling that I need to take to the 'convenience center' what should I do?

Posted by: Lady of the Loch 29-Jun-2007, 12:44 PM
Just take your wheel barrel, throw in the stuff and start walking. You might lose a few things here or there, but no biggie wink.gif

I am bored to death, what can I do?

Posted by: pflanary 29-Jun-2007, 02:36 PM
Get everyone in the office together for a sing-a-long. When the boss objects, tell him/her that no one should have to work on Fri. afternoon anyway.

I don't have room on my Ipod for all my songs--what should I do?

Posted by: JaneyMae 29-Jun-2007, 09:21 PM
Go buy a new I pod or better yet buy a new iphone - It's only $500 with a $1200 a year service charge on a two year contract.

I would love to drop 50 pounds - how am I going to accomplish this?

Posted by: pflanary 30-Jun-2007, 09:43 AM
Wow I would love an iPhone, but . . . I knew about the price of the iPhone but not that there was such a hugh service fee.

About losing weight: Eat anything and everything you want. Everyone needs a few extra pounds.

I'm almost out of food and don't want to drive all the way into town, what should I do?

Posted by: JaneyMae 30-Jun-2007, 09:04 PM
Just go raid the neighbors refrigerator and cupboards - they won't mind.

I'm going to invest in some stocks as soon as possible. Which should I choose

Posted by: haynes9 30-Jun-2007, 10:22 PM
Invest in stocks that have had a lousy track record for at least ten years! They're bound to have a streak of good luck soon!

The wife wants an awning built over the porch. Any ideas on how to design it?

Posted by: Lady of the Loch 02-Jul-2007, 10:30 PM
sure, just grab some pieces and nail them up there any way you want and make sure there are plenty of gaps in it so that the rain and the sun and all that can come right through it. wink.gif

I am going to have a yard sale this weekend, how should I advertise it?

Posted by: haynes9 03-Jul-2007, 07:19 AM
Just put up a sign that says "Open House - Everyone Come On In!" That way, you don't have to set anything up outside and folks can just come a roam through your house. What a great way to meet people!

The car is shaking a bot at high speeds. Any thought on how I should fix it?

Posted by: pflanary 05-Jul-2007, 12:35 PM
Why fix it? Just drive it until it shakes apart and then get a new one.

I just discovered that I am allergic to about a dozen foods, including dairy and tomatoes which I eat alot of, what should I do?

Posted by: rhatcher1313 06-Jul-2007, 12:28 AM
Eat em all the way to the emergency room.
I just accidently bought the wrong gift that my sweetie hates....

Posted by: haynes9 06-Jul-2007, 04:57 AM
No worries! Just tell her to take and like it, or else! (See you in the emergency room!)

We've got 19 folks visiting next week. How do we feed this crew?

Posted by: sisterknight 11-Jul-2007, 10:08 AM
you tell them it's "pot-luck"!!!!


i've got to send my baby bro a gift for his 45th b-day and i'm not sure what i should get the other muscian in our family? any ideas?

Posted by: Scotsman2k 12-Jul-2007, 03:06 PM
Any music from any artist...as long as it is on 45s. (he is old enough to remember them and that will remind him he is getting older)


I am going to ask my boss for a raise. What should I say?

Posted by: Sekhmet 12-Jul-2007, 06:20 PM
Begin by rattling off a list of totally fabricated committees and projects that you were on that were amazingly successful, followed quickly up by dark allusions to last year's Christmas party and videotapes. I'm sure he'll cut you a check on the spot!

My son has discovered the wonders of crayons and the walls of the house. How should I encourage his creative streak without sacrificing my walls?

Posted by: haynes9 17-Jul-2007, 03:56 AM
Be sure and give the young lad crayons whenever you go over to a friend's house. There, he can utilize their walls as a creative outlet. Your family and friends will certainly appreciate his talent and ask you to bring him over again and again!

W just got the air conditioning working in our home. Now, the A/C is out in both of our cars. Should I get my car fixed first or Mrs. Haynes9's car first?

Posted by: Lady of Avalon 17-Jul-2007, 06:04 PM
Get yours fixed first..you're the man of the house after all!!!

I'm tired right now yawn.gif what should I do?

Posted by: Gwynhwyvar 22-Jul-2007, 07:38 PM
Fix a pot of strong coffee and drink the whole pot. If the caffeine doesn't keep you up, running to the bathroom will!

I really need to clean my closets!

Posted by: haynes9 22-Jul-2007, 11:17 PM
Look, your spouse could use some new clothes! Just dump all of his junk off at Goodwill and enjoy that new found space!

I have two cars to take to the shop tomorrow. How should I get them there?

Posted by: John Clements 23-Jul-2007, 07:40 AM
Start by hoping… or should I say praying… that one of them starts… so it can tow the other.

Yesterday I trimmed some 125 feet of privet hedge, it runs from 4 to 10 feet in height, and today… I can’t lift my arms… any ideas?

Posted by: haynes9 25-Jul-2007, 10:36 PM
Milk this one for all you can get! Have everyone in your family answer to your beck and call! In fact, let them know how lucky they are to serve you and how badly your arms hurt and to get busy and bring the food!!

I'll be sure and visit you in your hospital room wink.gif !

The power steering is out in my little Ford Focus. Should I go with a new power steering pump or hit the junkyard?

Posted by: Lady of Avalon 27-Jul-2007, 05:57 PM
You seem to have a lot of mechanicals problems haynes9 what I suggest is buy a horse...hay is not that expensive and you can use the pooh.gif in the garden its organics after all...

I must repaint the bedroom and just can't decide on the color.Any ideas anyone?

Posted by: haynes9 30-Jul-2007, 11:14 PM
That groovy look from the 70's is bound to make a comeback sooner or later!Get a jump and be on the cutting edge of interior design!

I'm taking my 11 year old daughter on a date. Any ideas as to where I should take her?

Posted by: Lady of Avalon 31-Jul-2007, 07:04 PM
How about one of those Rave Partys I'm sure you'll have a great time band.gif

I'm really overweight and just don't know what to do anymore
What shoud I do?


Posted by: sisterknight 01-Aug-2007, 10:43 AM
ooo that's a sticky question and i don't want to insult you,mmmmmmmm you could always sew yer lips shut so only a small straw could fit through...or wire yer jaws shut....or stop eating.....or only eat things that are purple....




i'm having problems sleeping at night, any suggestions??

Posted by: John Clements 01-Aug-2007, 01:21 PM
Oh that’s an easy one. (like anything is easy) Get a night job, and let the family fend for themselves all day, while you sleep.

My 21 year old daughter is going to drive across the country with a friend, and frankly I’m frantic about it. I usually would ask for prays, but, unless someone has a better idea?

(hers your chance haynes9)

Posted by: John Clements 22-Aug-2007, 09:04 AM
If my memory serves me well (and it does) someone had suggested that I should go with my daughter, when she and her friend drive across the country. Now I wonder what happened to that Really Bad Advise, because it’s not here anymore. (You know its funny how many of my posts, seem to end the stream)

It makes me feel like most of you think that I’m a hopeless cause, and would probably crucify me, given the chance. Well that’s ok, because my honesty, and my initials alone, makes me feel closer to the fantasy of god, then the rest of you. No matter how much you pray.

Now you all can have a great day, because I’m out of here.
JC

PS: Oh yes, don’t take it personally.

Posted by: sisterknight 22-Aug-2007, 09:28 AM
hoy boyo....yer never alone!!! wink.gif

Posted by: maisky 22-Aug-2007, 12:04 PM
QUOTE (sisterknight @ 01-Aug-2007, 10:43 AM)
ooo that's a sticky question and i don't want to insult you,mmmmmmmm you could always sew yer lips shut so only a small straw could fit through...or wire yer jaws shut....or stop eating.....or only eat things that are purple....




i'm having problems sleeping at night, any suggestions??

Problems sleeping at night? Take one bottle of Irish Mist and call me at noon.

My daughter wants her ex-con boy friend to move in with us (she lives with us now). What should I tell her?

Posted by: sisterknight 22-Aug-2007, 12:11 PM
oh my goodness aren't you the lucky one?!!!well make the boy feel at home....put bars on the windows, hide his clothers and make him wear bright orange, serve oatmeal slop for all meals and scream lights out at 7pm!!!!!!


my hubby says i read too much, any suggestions on how to make him stop saying that??

Posted by: haynes9 23-Aug-2007, 07:15 AM
QUOTE (John Clements @ 22-Aug-2007, 09:04 AM)
If my memory serves me well (and it does) someone had suggested that I should go with my daughter, when she and her friend drive across the country. Now I wonder what happened to that Really Bad Advise, because it’s not here anymore. (You know its funny how many of my posts, seem to end the stream)

It makes me feel like most of you think that I’m a hopeless cause, and would probably crucify me, given the chance. Well that’s ok, because my honesty, and my initials alone, makes me feel closer to the fantasy of god, then the rest of you. No matter how much you pray.

Now you all can have a great day, because I’m out of here.
JC

PS: Oh yes, don’t take it personally.

Hey John, relax! You know I love ya! Let's see, we agree on . . . virtually . . . nothing! But I always enjoy the conversations with you! And I wouldn't crucify you, given the chance. However, I might tie you up and force you to listen to a bunch of old tapes of my preaching! Actually, that would be cruel and unusual punishment tongue.gif ! And I don't take your posts personally. Have a good one today!

Hey Sis, here's some really great advice! Just stop reading, but get the Rontel package of "One Hit Wonders of the 70's." Play it full blast and tell your hubby you've given up on reading. Guarantee he'll have you to Barnes and Noble in no time wink.gif !

Posted by: Lady of Avalon 23-Aug-2007, 05:59 PM
QUOTE (John Clements @ 22-Aug-2007, 11:04 AM)
If my memory serves me well (and it does) someone had suggested that I should go with my daughter, when she and her friend drive across the country. Now I wonder what happened to that Really Bad Advise, because it’s not here anymore. (You know its funny how many of my posts, seem to end the stream)

It makes me feel like most of you think that I’m a hopeless cause, and would probably crucify me, given the chance. Well that’s ok, because my honesty, and my initials alone, makes me feel closer to the fantasy of god, then the rest of you. No matter how much you pray.

Now you all can have a great day, because I’m out of here.
JC

PS: Oh yes, don’t take it personally.

You're good man...to remember that and yes I'm the culprit here who gave you that really bad advice and I flushed it by accident and did not bother to write it back.
I'm sorry, so again why don't you go with them and be a bugger.Daughters just love it when there is a chaperone with them like dear papa hypocrite.gif


What do you tell an offended friend who thinks himself a hopeless cause? tongue.gif

Posted by: haynes9 25-Aug-2007, 09:54 PM
Tell him/her she's not hopeless! Tell about all the folks that are bigger losers! Like . . well, there's . . . ummmm . . . well, there could be . . . Never mind!

Son #3 is coming home for Labor Day. How can we make it special!

Posted by: Lady of the Loch 28-Aug-2007, 08:36 AM
make his favorite dinner, rent his favorite movie and spend quality time with him. After that, give him the bill for making dinner and renting the movie

I need to organize my books because they are all over the place, any suggestions on how to do that?

Posted by: Donajhi 28-Aug-2007, 09:38 AM
You sell the books so you can buy new ones only to find out later that one
you sold is a first edition and very valuable.

I need to clean my closet and don't know just how to start, it is a large walkin.

Posted by: haynes9 29-Aug-2007, 06:34 AM
Close your eyes, grab an armful of stuff, and started heaving it in the trash bin. Hey, you probably don't need most of that stuff anyway!

My wife's car broke down AGAIN last night! Where should I take it to get repaired?

Posted by: John Clements 30-Aug-2007, 05:59 AM
You might consider taking the car to Cuba. I understand they’re very good at auto repairer.

I have a friend who constantly professes his love for me. It’s beginning to make me question his sexual preference. “Not that there’s anything wrong with that”, a line lifted from the Seinfeld show. (don’t you just love Larry David)

Anyway, the problem is he sells, “Soul Insurance” for a living, and I would rather he sold for Prudential, at least then his flock might actually see a dividend. (although I have my doubts about that too)

What should I do? What should I do?

Posted by: Lady of Avalon 30-Aug-2007, 05:26 PM
QUOTE (John Clements @ 22-Aug-2007, 11:04 AM)
If my memory serves me well (and it does) someone had suggested that I should go with my daughter, when she and her friend drive across the country. Now I wonder what happened to that Really Bad Advise, because it’s not here anymore.

Alright i won't flush away my advice to you this time.Promise.

Here it goes. Just don't buy it (the insurance)what's its good for anyway?

As for your friend's profession of love towards you...well you can always give him a nice kiss on the cheek!!! kiss2.gif

I'm sure it'll do the trick just fine. yes.gif

Ain't love a grand thing? love.gif

P.S. I put back my Really Bad Advice

Posted by: John Clements 31-Aug-2007, 06:56 AM
QUOTE (Lady of Avalon @ 30-Aug-2007, 06:26 PM)
Alright i won't flush away my advice to you this time.Promise.

Here it goes. Just don't buy it (the insurance)what's its good for anyway?

As for your friend's profession of love towards you...well you can always give him a nice kiss on the cheek!!! kiss2.gif

I'm sure it'll do the trick just fine. yes.gif

Ain't love a grand thing? love.gif

P.S. I put back my Really Bad Advice

Good morning My Lady of Avalon. Thanks for restoring your really bad advice, I needed it, and I might be wrong (which of course never happens) but, could it be that you have forgotten to add the problem on your last post? It’s not important, it’s only what keeps the game going.

(looking forward to problem solving)

Posted by: Lady of Avalon 31-Aug-2007, 04:32 PM
Alright here is my problem.. see I tend to forget a lot of things when I had a bad week and tired... like asking for a really bad advice in what should I do to not forget to post my problems??? dry.gif huh.gif

What about yours John....

Posted by: Lady of Avalon 02-Sep-2007, 02:50 PM
Helloooo is it only my echo that answers back to me?But I need a really bad advice here in what should I do about my memory loss!!!Anyone??? wacko.gif

Posted by: John Clements 04-Sep-2007, 01:32 PM
I didn’t forget. I just didn’t remember.
I can only tell you how I deal with my memory loss. And that is to keep a list of things to remember.

The only problem is. I put the list away for safe keeping, and I have forgotten where I put it. Any ideas where to look?

Posted by: Lady of Avalon 04-Sep-2007, 03:52 PM
I know that I try very much to "not remembering" to pay my bills and they end up in a box on my bureau... so maybe you could try "to remember" to look there.

Any piece of paper can land in there easily with all that c..p...never know!!!

Posted by: Sekhmet 05-Sep-2007, 03:50 PM
Let's see if I can get this back on track a little, shall I? smile.gif

I've got a big craft show coming up next weekend and I'm short on stock for my booth. Time's at a premium to begin with, what should I do to shake some loose so I can get these done?

Posted by: John Clements 10-Sep-2007, 01:13 PM
Maybe you should buy a couple of cases of Kraft’s, Macaroni and cheese, to sell at your booth.

After my daughters silence during her teenage years, all of a sudden she has been calling me a lot, and now I’m stammering. Please, put words into my mouth.

Posted by: Lady of Avalon 12-Sep-2007, 05:43 PM
QUOTE (John Clements @ 22-Aug-2007, 11:04 AM)
(You know its funny how many of my posts, seem to end the stream)


I'll take pity on you.

Maybe you should just not talk at all shutup.gif. But then your daughter wouldn't probably want to talk to you anymore,so better stammer. yes.gif

I have a skunk that simply adopted my front porch and don't want the hurt the little thing. What should I do, any idea anyone? sad.gif

Posted by: stoirmeil 13-Sep-2007, 09:13 AM
Put your dvd player out there and play old Warner Brothers Pepe le Pew cartoons all night. The skunk will be so insulted it will leave.

I have a new officemate who is a territorial hysteric and has stuck a huge ugly movie poster from Clint Eastwood's "Unforgiveable" up on the wall. What can I do?

Posted by: ballydun 13-Sep-2007, 01:44 PM
You could use it for a bulliten board. Use lots of pins to hold up the notes you put on it! I'm sure that is why she brought it, right? wink.gif

I can't get everything done that needs to be done in a day. Any bad advice on how to free up some time?

Posted by: Lady of Avalon 13-Sep-2007, 06:02 PM
There's only one advice that comes to my mind 'tis that you could try to separate your day and doing what needs to be done in two days instead of one.How's that! eh naughty.gif

I hate it when the garbage are overflowing and the husband keeps trowing things in it without changing it? What should I do?


Posted by: Sekhmet 14-Sep-2007, 02:44 PM
Make it a contest. See how long it goes till he can't stand it anymore and changes it himself. Just clear a path in the kitchen when it starts taking over. Tell the neighbors what you're doing, they'll think it's funny!

I've gotta tell someone that we'd rather see a board of directors' position go dormant than give it to her. How should I phrase that?

Posted by: John Clements 14-Sep-2007, 04:27 PM
How about an oldie, but a goody, such as… “You know you’re the kind of person that gives this business, a bad name!”

Tomorrow, I’ll be driving to a big anti war protest in Washington D.C. Two friends will be riding with me. (one of whom is hard of hearing) So, I guess we’ll be screaming at each other for the entire trip, just like the last time. Besides cotton in my ears, anybody got any ideas?

Posted by: Lady of Avalon 14-Sep-2007, 04:44 PM
How about a nice pair of Winnie the Pooh earmuffs I think that would do pretty well and I'm sure it's your style.

My neighbor has the bad habit of starting to mown his grass at supper time.It is quite frustrating when on a nice day you just want to have a nice supper outside. How should I go in trying to send a message to him that it bothers me greatly?

Posted by: Sekhmet 14-Sep-2007, 07:34 PM
Light his grass on fire. It'll take till next spring for it to grow back..problem solved! Next spring call an asphalt company and tell them that you're the homeowner and wish to make the yard a parking lot.

My neighbor thinks screaming at her husband at 6AM is socially acceptable. How do I tell her that she needs to have her domestic disputes somewhere other than under my bedroom window?

Posted by: haynes9 18-Sep-2007, 06:17 AM
Where's your entrepreneurial spirit!? Have a neighborhood block party and invite everyone to come. Sell some popcorn and make it an event! Get your video camera out and record the fun. Oh, and be sure to post it on Youtube! Don't worry about a lawsuit. This will be fun!

I had to send a medical test for my wife via UPS to Oregon. I noticed that it has gone from Arizona to Louisville, Kentucky, so far. How should I explain basic geography to UPS?

Posted by: Sekhmet 19-Sep-2007, 01:52 PM
Alas, my husband works for UPS, it's hopeless. I do suggest those wooden puzzles of the US for their new drivers and scanners to put together. Send one piece to every state of the union and see if they get the idea.

I have a customer who wants a custom piece of jewelry done. I've sent her the information that I'll need to put this together, and stated that I'd need 50% down for a custom job. She has ignored that and keeps asking me when her necklace is going to get done. How do I ask her to cough up and not lose the sale?

Posted by: John Clements 19-Sep-2007, 02:27 PM
I think you should send her a custom noose necklace, and find a reasonable customer.

Well it’s Wednesday again, and I’ll be going to a “peaceful bring the troops home vigil” at the local armory. And all the time I think that we should be setting tiers a fire in the street, unless of course someone has a better idea?



Posted by: haynes9 21-Sep-2007, 09:25 AM
John, you've got to get more intense, I agree! Forget the tires. Just brig out the biggest sound system known to mankind and threaten to play Barry Manilow tunes at full blast in the direction of the White House until they comply with your demands. In fact, you might even get Al Queda to surrender with this tactic wink.gif !

I'm taking my girls in today to get their learners permits. How shall I prepare my nerves as I teach them how to drive?

Posted by: John Clements 21-Sep-2007, 01:29 PM
I would suggest showing them how to drive, while repeating over and over again, (in a loud slurring voice): “Do as I say. Not as I do” all together while drinking heavily.

You know I get better looking every day, and I don’t what am I going to do in another 62 years?

PS: Hey! You know I’ve a thing for Barry Manilow!

Posted by: Lady of Avalon 25-Sep-2007, 03:18 PM
I don't mean to rude but I wouldn't worry about my looks in 62 years from now if I were you. Unless you're eternal.

I have a problem with people who owns pets (like cats) and let them roams everywhere and first thing I know there here around my windows and spraying in all of them for territory.Since I'm against hurting innocent creature, how should I proceed to get rid of them?

Posted by: haynes9 27-Sep-2007, 09:15 PM
OK, this will help you and your dear neighbor who lets his cats run! Make sure the neighbor is at work and call the Humane Society and let them know that there is a house that needs cats - lots of them! A little taste of their own medicine might be in order!

Well, I've got to decide whether to rebuild the back porch, build an awning over the front deck, or paint the mobile home. Any good way to decide how to prioritize these jobs?

Posted by: pflanary 28-Sep-2007, 11:26 AM
Write the tasks on pieces of paper and set them on fire. Throw some water on and the least burned is the one you do first.

I have alot of paperwork to do but I'm bored with it and just want to take a nap (or better yet post away). What should I do?

Posted by: ogdenmusic 02-Oct-2007, 09:29 PM
Light a fire in the fireplace and promptly throw all of your paperwork into the fire.

I have two tickets to the Cubs vs Diamond Backs playoff game. My wife wants to go but I want to take my best friend (2nd to my wife) to the game. What should I do?

Posted by: zeryx 03-Oct-2007, 12:27 AM
Pat your wife on the head, hand her some money and tell her to enjoy a shopping trip whilst you take you friend to the game.

My son has eventually got himself a job and still lives at home, I want to persuade him that he should now be paying his own way in the house.

Posted by: Lady of the Loch 03-Oct-2007, 06:33 AM
hide all the food, toilet paper and turn off the electricity in his room. Don't give it back until he coughs up a dime!


My daughter has four sight words she must know just by looking at them. She is in kindergarten, how should I go about teaching her these words?

Posted by: John Clements 03-Oct-2007, 01:07 PM
Back in the day corporal punishment was a good teaching method for children, but these days, with a no hands on policy, I suggest tasing her, until she learns the words.

The wife and I get along great, as long as I’m wearing my soundproof earmuffs. Any other thinking, would be greatly appreciated?

Posted by: Sekhmet 03-Oct-2007, 06:54 PM
A quick jab to the eardrums with an icepick should clear up the need for ever needing those earmuffs again!

I've got three days to make enough inventory for a craft show that my mother signed us up for...last night. How do I thank her properly for this?

Posted by: ogdenmusic 03-Oct-2007, 10:21 PM
To thank her properly you need to give her all the proceeds from the sale at the craft show and then send her off on a Caribbean cruise paid for by you.

I have $20.00 dollars to last me until my next paycheck, which I get in a week. Bills are due and the bill collectors are calling. What should I do?

Posted by: Lady of Avalon 04-Oct-2007, 04:51 PM
Get drunk and fake amnesia and talk to the collectors in french.But try not to do it the next month again...

I have a husband who really have a bad habit and it is to wait when the gas is almost dry in the tank before filling it. What can I do to remedy this habit of his? Plse don't tell me wait 'til you get stuck on the side of the road,because it already happened and nothing's change. sad.gif

Posted by: ogdenmusic 04-Oct-2007, 11:02 PM
True story, I had a habit of running on empty. My wife threatened bodily harm if we ever ran out of gas. So I suggest carrying a big club in the car. I never run on empty anymore.

I have just come across the abundant Halloween Candy my wife has hidden for the tricker treaters later this month. I really have a craving for sweets what should I do?

Posted by: pflanary 05-Oct-2007, 09:07 AM
Eat all you want. Who needs candy for Trick or Treaters anyway? Have fun washing the eggs off your windows.

My job makes me so tense that my abs are tied in knots, what should I do?

Posted by: haynes9 05-Oct-2007, 06:09 PM
Advertise the fact that your tense job gives you tight abs! You'll make a fortune off the infomercial market!

Tomorrow will make the 3rd day this week that I have had to take our cat to the vet. What should I do to fix this cat's ear?

Posted by: ogdenmusic 05-Oct-2007, 09:25 PM
Buy some ear wax removal and then flush it out with alcohol. (poor kitty sad.gif )

The building space our company leases is being turned into high rise condos and the company is deciding whether or not just to close the office rather than move to a new location. What should I do?

Posted by: Lady of Avalon 12-Oct-2007, 08:00 PM
Go on welfare!!!You'll get more money than working.

I can't see the computer screen clearly with my glasses it's either too far or too near. What should I do?



Posted by: ogdenmusic 12-Oct-2007, 08:27 PM
The problem is your glasses. You need to get some really T H I C K
coke bottle glasses with black frames and you will be able to see
the computer screen better.

I just went outside to start the car and accidently locked the keys
in the car while it's running. What should I do unsure.gif

Posted by: haynes9 12-Oct-2007, 11:30 PM
Open the gas cap and start siphoning out the gas! At these prices, you don't want to waste a bit of this liquid gold! Then the car will stop and you can bust a window to get in tongue.gif !

I have so many projects to do around the house and the church to get ready for winter, I'm not sure which ones to do first. What criteria should I use to prioritize my projects?

Posted by: ogdenmusic 14-Oct-2007, 08:21 PM
You should prioritize in the following manner. Have your wife do all the church work and have the kids do the work around the house. Then sit back and think of some more work you can have them do. I'm sure you'll have all the spare time you can use.

I got pulled over today for speeding. 90 in a 55 mile an hour speed zone. My wife doesn't know and the ticket is going to be $95.00 fine. What should I do.

Posted by: haynes9 14-Oct-2007, 10:00 PM
Tell her that you are sick and tired of the low pay that law enforcement officials receive. Explain that you have written a $95.00 check in her name to honor these folks and help with their pensions. Then hope she never questions you about it!!

I have to fill 25 sandbags and am having trouble getting the time to work it into my schedule. What should I drop so I can get this job done?


Posted by: John Clements 15-Oct-2007, 01:12 PM
Why don’t you just ask the members of CR to send you a bag of sand, (I’m sure they can all afford the UPS charge.) Or, maybe you should just stop playing the games on CR, and fill the bags yourself? (Spending time on CR, something I’m guilty of myself.)

Ever since the anti Christ got into office. (Speaking metaphorically of course) I’ve been all consumed with politics and world affairs. Out side of mainlining, does anyone have any ideas? (Sorry, but I did say I was all consumed…didn’t I?)


Posted by: Lady of Avalon 15-Oct-2007, 06:16 PM
You should shave a little round spot on your head and wear a robe instead of long hair and a kilt. Monks are not consumed by politics.

I had renovation done in the house and now it's filthy with dust everywhere.Can't seem to be rid of the darn stuff.What should I do?

Posted by: haynes9 16-Oct-2007, 06:07 AM
Hey, Lady A, let's make this dreary task a fun one! Wrap yourself up in cellophane. Then, attach tape all over the cellophane and start rolling around through the house. You'll pick up all the stray dust and all the kids in the neighborhood will think that you are really a lot of fun. Of curse, when your family members call for the men with the little white jacket to take you to the "nice place," well . . .

I have got a well meaning group of folks coming out here in two weeks to bring about 100 boxes of "goodies" for distribution. Many of the goodies are not decent enough to give out and we don't have room to store 100 boxes. Any suggestions?

Posted by: Lady of Avalon 17-Oct-2007, 06:10 PM
You can always use the boxes as the ( i don't know how many) sand bags that you need for the winter.

I have this funny noise that started on my car and it's driving me nuts because I just don't know where it's coming from.What should I do to find out where and what it is?

Posted by: ogdenmusic 17-Oct-2007, 10:02 PM
Take you car down to the local Billy Bob's car fix it place. Look confused and dazed like you know nothing about cars and ask them to fix the noise your hearing. You might even suggest you have ringing in your ears. I'm sure they will fix it for a cheap price.

My wife wants me to rake leaves and clean the gutters this weekend. However I just received 2 tickets to the big football games this weekend Florida vs Kentucky and I've got to go. What should I do?

Posted by: haynes9 18-Oct-2007, 06:05 AM
Pretty simple solution, really. Tell your wife that you want to make it a family project so it gets done more quickly. Have both of you get your work clothes on ad look over the job. Tell your wife to get started and you will go for some necessary supplies and be right back. Then, head the the UK-FL game and enjoy it. When you get back after a rousing UK victory, tell your wife you now have the required energy to finish the job. And with any luck, she will have already gotten it all done! And I promise to visit you in the hospital.

I have to go to Chinle, AZ this morning to deal with a hopeless government bureaucracy (Bureau of Indian Affairs - BIA). How can I get these pencil pushing morons to do the simple tasks I need them to do?

Posted by: John Clements 18-Oct-2007, 07:39 AM
I suggest that you go to the local thrift store and pick up a couple of used wigs, (if they have any) and then wear them hanging off your belt, (like scalps) when you go the Bureau of Indian Affairs. (then...maybe you’ll get some action)

Speaking of raking leaves: I just received a notice from the town, saying that they will be picking up the leaves curbside at the end of this month, but guess what? Most of the trees in my area are unseasonably green, and the leaves are still in the trees. I need as big solution, any out there?

Posted by: ogdenmusic 19-Oct-2007, 10:01 PM
Ok John, here's what you need to do. Get the local art students from the high school, college and have them come to your house. They can shake the trees or pick the leafs. Then once the trees are empty they can use their artisic paints to paint fall colors on the leaves and then stockpile them together for the local pickup. Problem solved.

We have two cats and the wife is pleading to get another, maybe two. I tolerate cats but really don't want anymore. How do I deal with this and still make her happy?

Posted by: haynes9 20-Oct-2007, 07:26 AM
Tell her you want her to be completely happy and you will gladly give her all the cats she wants! That's what a good husband would do! When you bring the new cats home, be sure and show your wife the beautiful Reticulated Pythons you have purchased for your own pleasure. I'm quite sure she will be willing to compromise!

We have a security light that used to run 24/7 and now won't work at all. I have replaced the bulb and the photo sensor. What should I try next?

Posted by: pflanary 22-Oct-2007, 09:57 AM
Nothing! Its so much more fun to fiddle around in the dark trying to find your keys and fit them in the keyholes.


On a related note, I can never remember to leave the porch light on when I am going to get home after dark and the light from the security light doesn't reach into the porch, what should I do?

Posted by: Mischevious Wench 24-Oct-2007, 03:30 PM
Tamper with the laws of reality and make your own self-exploding firecrakers all around your house so when you come home you'll have little flashing lights to guide you and it solves the security problem as well!!!!! ^-^

Anyways, i think i can here voices and i don't know what to do?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"If your going to critize someone, walk a mile in there shoes, cuz then your a mile away and you got their shoes!"

Posted by: Lady of Avalon 24-Oct-2007, 05:56 PM
Just put some funny earmuffs on and shout all the time I'm sure that'll fix your problem...

I have this tiny problem of falling asleep early all the time can't seem to be able to keep those eyes of mine open later than 9:00.
A trick anybody? sleep1.gif

Posted by: ogdenmusic 24-Oct-2007, 09:11 PM
First go get some Elmer's glue and put a dab on your eyelid and push it back to keep the eyelid from closing. Then get some Jolt Cola, Red Bull and Monster energy drinks. Consume them all within 30 minutes. Now, no problems staying awake past 9pm.



Our pastor is going to be out of town this weekend and wants me to give the sermon this Sunday while he's out of town. I feel so inadequate and sure I'll talk about sports instead. What should I do?

Posted by: sisterknight 25-Oct-2007, 10:14 AM
wellllllll, you could always get the sunday school to do a play instead of a sermon, or get the elders of the church to talk about sports in the bible, or you could say your dog ate your sermon...amen!! wink.gif



my hubby is trying to talk me into going 4 wheeling this weekend, i so do not want to go!!!ideas??

Posted by: Robert Phoenix 05-Nov-2007, 08:15 PM
Siphon the gas out of the tanks and put it into the car. Claim it was the garden gnome from travelocity. Go shopping and buy a new 4 wheeler. Drive by him with the salesman on the back.

I need to sneak money for a new kilt. Best way to do it?

Posted by: pretentiouswombat 07-Dec-2007, 11:43 PM
Go to the nearest science fiction convention wearing just your sporran (if it's a Saturday night, you'll pass the costume inspectors with no problem). Hold a sign that says "free kisses - but donations gladly accepted" and let the ladies drop donations in said sporran.

My SO is considerably younger than I am. How do I deal with people who think I'm his mother? That is sooooo annoying.

Posted by: Druid_of_Ark 10-Dec-2007, 06:56 PM
Tell them that in a past life he was your Dad and now he is your lover, that should blow their wee minds.

I need advice on the best way to run off my English Neighbor, he constantly plays "God Save the Queen."

Posted by: pretentiouswombat 13-Dec-2007, 07:51 PM
Hang an effigy of the Queen in the front yard. Use life-sized standups of the royal family for target practice in the backyard. Stand on the roof, dressed as an Indian, and throw teabags off it, making sure they land in said neighbour's yard. Celebrate the Fourth of July every day...that's all I can think of right now.

I want to lose ten pounds before Christmas. What's the easiest way to do it?

Posted by: Druid_of_Ark 13-Dec-2007, 08:22 PM
To lose 10 pounds go up to a Large British Cop and tell him that you bet he cant hit you in the mouth...when they unwire your mouth you will be at least 10 pounds lighter.

How can I get rid of a mouse in the house?

Posted by: piobmhor piper 14-Dec-2007, 05:05 AM
Go to a local farmer and purchase one dry bail of straw. On the way home pick up one gallon of gasoline. Place the bail of straw in the middle of the livingroom and soak well with the gallon of gas. Stand well back and toss a lit match at the bail of straw. When the fire goes out the mouse will be gone!

I think I broke my arm, it looks like a piece of bone is sticking out through the skin. What should I do?

Posted by: Druid_of_Ark 14-Dec-2007, 10:20 AM
Thats a serious medical situation, fortunately I have a book on mechanics here to help. Hey people, cars its all the same...take a rag and push the rod (or bone I guess) back into the shaft (under the skin) then wrap securely with Electrical tape and go to the mechanic for a more permanent solution....caution do not drive more than 10 miles with this problem.

I accidentally poked my English Neighbor with my sword, what should I do now?

Posted by: piobmhor piper 14-Dec-2007, 08:25 PM
I've had a similar experience so I know just what to do. Make sure you thoroughly clean the sword. Vinegar does a good job of removing blood stains but be sure to rinse off the blade after cleaning as vinegar will etch the metal an tarnish the finish.

I recently gave my nieghbor advice on how to rid his house of a mouse and now he blames me for burning down his house! What should I do?


Posted by: Druid_of_Ark 14-Dec-2007, 08:32 PM
The answer for that is in the CIA Manual, "Admit Nothing, Deny Everything, Demand Proof.. .then ask Congress for another $27,000,000,000 in money fir Paperclips.

I need advice on how to train a guard dog?

Posted by: piobmhor piper 15-Dec-2007, 10:20 PM
Make sure you let the dog meet lots of people. Keep him well fed with table scraps and a good prime rib once a week. Let him sleep in your bed, teach him to fetch and always tell him what ag ood dog he is.

My car has developed a loud squeeking noise when I apply the brakes. How do I make this annoying noise stop!

Posted by: Druid_of_Ark 15-Dec-2007, 10:42 PM
Easy in the CHILL OUT manual it says that if that happens you just put in ear plugs and cut holes in the floorboard. Put your feet down when you need to stop. The ear plugs then keep you from hearing your own screams.

I need to know what to do about the pesky salesmen that knock on my door wanting to sell me books about how to get to heaven.

Posted by: John Clements 18-Dec-2007, 11:02 AM
QUOTE (Druid_of_Ark @ 15-Dec-2007, 11:42 PM)
I need to know what to do about the pesky salesmen that knock on my door wanting to sell me books about how to get to heaven.

I love it when that happens, because it gives me a chance to go into character, and practices my adlibbing skills. For example: Once I acted as though I was hard of hearing, and there for kept asking them to repeat themselves, in an ever increasingly loud voice, which eventually lead to us screaming at each other on the front porch, which then led to my neighbors coming out, to see what all the ruckus was about. (You know I haven’t seen that salesmen since.) Another good one is to play the role of devils advocate. That usually throws them. (The sky's the limit folks. All you have to do is use a little imagination.)

Ok! Here’s my problem. How does one confront a moron, without becoming one? (My guess is you can’t, what do you think?)

Posted by: Druid_of_Ark 18-Dec-2007, 11:11 AM
Thats easy when you spot a Moron walk up uietly and tell him that you are with the Government Identity Theft Unit and that he/she is reuired to wear a sign, hand him/her a sign that says Moron in English and Spanish (remember you are Government).

Here is my problem my tire is acting funny it is flat on the bottom but round on the top, is that normal?

Posted by: John Clements 18-Dec-2007, 05:42 PM
QUOTE (Druid_of_Ark @ 18-Dec-2007, 12:11 PM)
Here is my problem my tire is acting funny it is flat on the bottom but round on the top, is that normal?

That ones easy too. All you have to do is take the tier off and put it back on upside down.

Speaking of tiers, I’m beginning to develop one that looks a little like the donuts I’ve eating lately, and I don’t know what to do about it, because I love them so.

Posted by: piobmhor piper 18-Dec-2007, 05:54 PM
Simple solution to donut tires is to dip them in your favorite hot beverage (I like Tim Hortons Coffee) and enjoy!

My toilet runs over when flushed, how do I fix it?

Posted by: pflanary 21-Jan-2008, 11:43 AM
That's easy--just turn the water off.

I never seem to have time to spend with you wonderful folks here except when I am home and only have dial up internet where everything is just tooooo s l o w and I get too frustrated to continue, or occasionally during lunch at my first job. How can I come up with more time to hang out here?

Posted by: Druid_of_Ark 21-Jan-2008, 01:46 PM
Hey tell your boss you need a raise and more time off because you are an adviser for Celtic Radio. Net.

How can I keep the neighbors cats out of my trashcans?

Posted by: pflanary 13-Feb-2008, 11:45 AM
padlocks!

My boss did give me more time off but LESS pay, so now
I need money--what should I do?

Posted by: pretentiouswombat 13-Feb-2008, 11:56 AM
Add a coin slot to your mailbox so your mailman can only deliver mail when dropping in a quarter, too. Of course, if he doesn't want to drop in the coinage, you won't get the bills that you don't have the money to pay anyway! laugh.gif

The townhouse next to me is up for rent and my neighbor on the other side and I don't want weirdos moving in. How can we be sure the rental company won't let in people we don't "approve" of?




Posted by: pflanary 22-Feb-2008, 11:21 AM
When the townhouse is being shown, go over to interduce yourself. While there ask lots of questions about the prospective tenants. If you don't think you will like them as neighbors, start badmouthing the townhouse, the neighborhood and the neighbors. Be sure to act like you are insane, or a serial killer or any other kind of undesirable neighbor.

I need to sell more hearing aids so I can keep this job until I find another, any suggestions?

Posted by: Lady of Avalon 10-Aug-2008, 04:39 PM
Announce a big sale " Two for One Special" since we all have two ears you'll sale more...
naughty.gif

I have this shirt that I just love but it's old and hubby is fed up to see it on me.
I don't want to throw it away it's still nice and simply don't know what I should do.

Any bad advice anyone?

LOA

Posted by: John Clements 10-Aug-2008, 09:07 PM
QUOTE (Lady of Avalon @ 10-Aug-2008, 05:39 PM)

I have this shirt that I just love but it's old and hubby is fed up to see it on me.
I don't want to throw it away it's still nice and simply don't know what I should do.

Any bad advice anyone?

LOA

Tell your Hubby that it’s either the shirt or topless. Or you can wear it inside out, it’s a whole new look.

When ever I give advice, it always comes back to bite me. What should I do?

Posted by: Leelee 11-Aug-2008, 11:12 AM
lol.gif lol.gif lol.gif First of all I would like to say I am soooo glad I came across this thread.....it is absolutely hilarious. I haven't laughed this much in awhile thumbs_up.gif

John, keep on giving your advice to those that seek it. Eventually it will pay off & no worries, your butt (bite you in the butt) should heal eventually. Imagine all the inches that you've lost from the whole experience .laugh.gif

My dog is a very sociable girl wanting to say "Hi" to everyone that passes by, which is great, but when it comes to time contraints, such as needing to go to work, she delays my timing. What shall I do without looking like the "Bad Guy" while coaxing her to come along?

Posted by: pflanary 08-Sep-2008, 03:10 PM
Don't worry about it. After all what does time matter? Which is more important--Being on time or your dog's happiness?

My dog follows me everywhere in the house or the yard. I wouldn't mind except that I frequently run into or trip over her. What should I do?

Posted by: Lady-of-Avalon 17-Sep-2008, 04:03 PM
Put her in the baby's pen with your shoes to chew on....

I lost my smile somewhere along the road any idea where I can start searching for it???? ohmy.gif

Posted by: stoirmeil 17-Sep-2008, 05:01 PM
You won't find it until it starts to rain. Then you will find it over your head trying to be an umbrella. Actually a smile is a terrible umbrella, but they never stop trying.


I just had a whole 6-ounce jar of honey open up in the bottom of my good leather bag. (Don't ask what it was doing there. . . ) What shall I do to clean the bag, and can I scrape out the honey and use it for anything? sad.gif

Posted by: Leelee 17-Sep-2008, 05:39 PM
First of all scoop all the Honey you can & place in a bowl for Oatmeal Honey Cookies. Yeah sure, there will be bits of lint and perhaps some odd bits of paper that had caught onto whatever in the bag; just tell the folks that you added extra fibre if they bite into something suspicious.

To clean your leather bag soak it in sudsy, luke warm water & scrub with a wire Bull Dog pad, rinse, then let it sit in the sun for a good day to dry.

My Powerbrush attachment conked out on my vacuum. How am I supposed to pick up all the dog hair & crumbs around my house?

Posted by: st andrews cross 05-Nov-2008, 11:17 PM
get some of that left over honey , slather (<- good word Slather) it over your (naked) self and roll around on the floor thereby picking up all that annoying dog hair and crumbs.

that annoying numbness down my left arm is getting annoying, and the tightness in my chest is getting worse, I should probably.....

Posted by: Lady-of-Avalon 06-Nov-2008, 04:25 PM
Get pissed until you won't feel it anymore and voila cheers.gif no numbness or pain anymore instead healing....try it.

Have a racoon here that always leaves us a small gift in front of our door how can I tell him that though very thoughtfull of him I would prefer that he leave it somewhere else?

Posted by: Leelee 06-Nov-2008, 06:52 PM
QUOTE
get some of that left over honey , slather (<- good word Slather) it over your (naked) self and roll around on the floor thereby picking up all that annoying dog hair and crumbs.


OMG!!!! jawdrop.gif....it worked lol.gif lol.gif lol.gif Way too funny tongue.gif

As for the Racoon presents, the Holidays are just around the corner. Wrap them up in Festive paper and place a beautiful frilly bow on the packages and give them to your loved ones. Make sure you have your camera ready for the "grand opening". You will want to share these pics for ages thumbs_up.gif

I am having a terrible time hiring someone to put up the Christmas lights on my house because the roof pitch is too steep. Any suggestions?

Posted by: Antonio 21-Mar-2009, 06:38 PM
Wow this is a little old, so next Christmas.

Do it yourself it's easy, Climb up on the roof tie a rope around your waist. Then have your Scrooge neighbor, tie the other end to something solid like the bumper of his car.

My wife is the best cook in the world, but she keeps making boiled okra. I can't stand the looks of the stuff, and the smell and taste make me ill. what should I do?.

Posted by: Dogshirt 21-Mar-2009, 06:52 PM
QUOTE
My wife is the best cook in the world, but she keeps making boiled okra. I can't stand the looks of the stuff, and the smell and taste make me ill. what should I do?.



Simple! Ask her what she fixed for you. If she doesn't have a good answer, go out for Mexican! I guarantee it will ONLY take once!


beer_mug.gif


Posted by: Antonio 22-Mar-2009, 11:34 AM
That would not work in this house, she would be cooking stuff every night that I don't like. We both love Mexican food.

Dogshirt you forgot your question, for the really bad advise. rolleyes.gif

I have a problem with squirrel's and rabbits, they are taking over the front yard again. I don't like killing them just to get rid of them, after all they were here first. What should I do?.

Posted by: Leelee 22-Mar-2009, 12:59 PM
Hey Antonio, go to your nearest Petfood & Seed Store and buy a sackful of nuts & another of seeds. Then go to your grocery store and ask for their wilted lettuces and carrots and such. Most of the time the Grocer won't charge you, as he will throw the refuse in the trash anyways.

Then place the nuts and wilted veggies in a variety of trails leading off of your property...do this daily to ensure that you evict all of the furry folk off your Property and onto someone elses. They may appreciate them more than you wink.gif

What should I do about the Noise Pollution in my area? Ever since they built the new Highway the traffic has increased tremendously and so has the noise that comes with it. Although the Highway is a ways from us, noise travels on a clear night.

Posted by: marthien 22-Mar-2009, 02:08 PM
I would go out and buy some dynamite and blow the crp out of the freeway.lol
But then again thats just me!


Ok Im having a problem finding a job, any advice of how I should find one?

Posted by: Antonio 27-Mar-2009, 11:05 PM
Simple just stay up all night watching TV, then in the morning take nice hot shower. Put on your favorite sweats, eat a good breakfast of Sardine and Garlic sandwiches. Then go out to all the businesses in your area, just walk in with a big smile. Then tell them how much you want to work for them.

I'd like to be able to travel more and work less, anyone have any advice for me.

Posted by: InRi 28-Mar-2009, 04:47 AM
Try to become a commercial traveller... in summer for selling heating systems and in winter for selling iceboxes.
Long travels and less work guaranteed...

I have a very special problem. The months are all too long. After the money evertime is a lot of month left over. Any advice?

Posted by: Antonio 28-Mar-2009, 08:27 AM
Take my advice, it's really easy. When the money runs out, just climb into bed pull the covers over your head and sleep sleep sleep. All your money worries will just go away.

Recently the company I've work for, for 20 yrs. sold. I know I'm lucky!! I still have a job, but it meant a massive pay cut. How can I show them, I'm worth the money I was making before?.

Posted by: marti64 29-Mar-2009, 10:58 AM
Quit your job, and become a professional gambler........Live in the casino, and see how much money you can win..or give back!!!!

i really wish I could just quit my job, and travel. see the world, without having to worry about how much money I have to make.....

Posted by: Antonio 29-Mar-2009, 11:44 AM
Be bold quit your job, and don't worry about money. Just ride the rails see the country, I understand a box car can be very comfy and the open gondola car's lets you see the stars.

My dear wife wants a new exercise machine, but she doesn't use the one she has. What should I tell her?.

Posted by: rhatcher1313 12-Jul-2011, 11:42 PM
Put a gift card, (favorite clothes store), on her machine, only for smaller clothes. Need a new job that pays LOTS more than I currently make, what should I do? laugh.gif

Posted by: susieq76 13-Jul-2011, 02:35 PM
I hear stripping fits that category rolleyes.gif

I need someone who can cook, clean my house and do anything else I need without any payment whatsoever. Any advice?

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