Men's Issues, GIRLS --- KEEP OUT

JPM,

I think you may have posted this in the wrong thread. I thought everyone knew we guys are incapable of "thoughts". Just ask any of the ladies. (I guess someone forgot to send you the memo )

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven.

"Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said,"I want to hang out with God."

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?"

Arthur said, "Yep, that's me."

God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?"


Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me, but aren't You the inventor of woman?"

God said, "Yes."

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;

3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;

5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"

"Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "Hold on." God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers>>>>>>>>

more men are ***CENSORED*** my invention than yours

I know I'm not supposed to be here, but after reading your post, JP, and from all the help (??) you got here, maybe it's a good think I did peek in. I think the picnic and zoo idea is nice. Another addition to that plan could be an anniversary ring. It is a nice addition to the wedding ring or alone if you didn't exchange rings at your wedding. Another idea is to add an overnight stay at a nice bed and breakfast.

Just a thought.....BGL

Hey BGL, that is an excellent idea!
And you are right - thanks for the help guys!! (j/k)

Now you've done it. The ladies are plotting your demise over in their "Ladies Only Thread"!

Since you are looking for suggestions on what to do with the "old lady" on your 25th here's a couple:

Pack up any "crumb-snatchers" that may still be hanging around the house and ship them off to see Grandma and Grandpa or Uncle Bob and Aunt Sue, and then take the wife fishing or hunting. Nothing says I love you like a day together on a Bass Boat or in your treestand!!!

Actually, that sounds like an excellent idea!!

Do you actually read the Ladies thread? I thought it was just a bunch of white noise...

LOL - thanks Mac!

True Friendship!

Are you all tired of those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that really speaks to true friendship:

1. When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the lowlife that made you sad.
2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever it is that is choking you.
3. When you smile - I will know you finally had sex.
4. When you are scared - I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.
6. When you are confused - I will use little words.
7. When you are sick - Stay the heck away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy butt.

This is my oath...I pledge it till the end. "Why?" you may ask? Because you are my friend.

Send this to 10 of your closest friends, then get depressed because you can only
think of 4.

Remember: A good friend will help you move, but a really good friend will help
you move a body. Let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel....

Now THAT is TRUE friendship! I think I'm getting VERKLEMPT!

My cousin sent me this essential information. Memorize it and pass it along.

Understanding female verbage

FINE

this is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

FIVE MINUTES

if she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

NOTHING

this is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"

GO AHEAD

this is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

LOUD SIGH

This is not actually a word, but is a nonverbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"


THAT'S OKAY

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

THANKS

a woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome

Hey y'all, I don't get in here often anymore but just happened to have a minute and saw this and figured y'all could use some really good advice.

Ok, what to do on a memorable occasion like an anniversary or something? Go on and do something really, really romantic. I think the zoo idea is fine, but then maybe you could follow it up with a really fantastic dinner at one of those places that serves exotic game. Doesn't that sound cool? After an afternoon of watching elephants and ostriches and crocodiles and monkeys you could then set down to a really neat dinner and eat some of them.

Hey, don't be afraid to show that little woman that you really do care for her. Remember too, that women are always more vulnerable and agreeable after eating exotic food. This is a special day and you really should go all out, after all this is a good opportunity to build up points that will help out during the year when things get a little rough. Do as much as you can, spend as much as you can then spend more on her this day. Look, how many times will a subtle remark reminding her of this special day and the wonderful time you had help get you into the house at four thirty in the morning when you can't find the door key? Cripes, anything you can do to build up equity is a plus, especially if you're like me and talk in your sleep.

After that romantic dinner and maybe some time spent sipping stupid nasty wine (sacrifice this day, sacrifice) you could then surprise her with a night in a romantic hotel suite. Plan ahead, tip the concierge so that you can surprise her with a layout of sexy lingerie on the bed as you carry her in for the evening of wild abandon. OH Hey! I'm not talking about the old Rosemont motel either with the mirrors on the ceiling (Good lord, first thing you know she will be wondering how you knew about it. Best she never finds out.) The key here is excess finesse. Splurge buddy, you never know when you may need to cash in some of these memories.


Hope that helps.

Leo

And here I was, plannin' a burger at BK (With EVERYTHING of course, spare NO expense!) And a pat on the behind wi' a fond "Well, we made it another year!"

Well saturday is my wife birthday she 's meeting me at the Payson Scottish Feastial that afternoon when she gets off work. We will go to dinner at a place of her choose and than a movie moer than likely. Only problem is I'll need to bring along a pair of pants for the evening, she OK with me in my kilt at the feastvail but not out on the town. The sacrfacies w e make for your wife , Hope they are worth it tonight know what I mean

After 30 years of me in a breechcloth and leggings my wife doesn't have ANY problem with me going out in public in me kilt.

great idae Iahve one of thoes too may wering it she'll learn to like the kilt better

Legs? Kilts? OMG!! Sorry...wrong forum...Is is tue what's beneath the kilt...ok, I'll go now!!!!! MK