Pub humour, Jokes o'plenty

Why We Love Children

* * * *

A nursery school pupil told his teacher
he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?"
she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,"
answered the child innocently.
"You did WHAT?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know," explained the boy,
"I leaned over and went "Pssst" and it didn't move"

* * * *

A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later....."Da-ad...." "What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?"
"No, You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....." "WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
" I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!"
Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT!"
"When you come in to smack me,
can you bring a drink of water?"

* * * *

An exasperated mother,
whose son was always getting into mischief,
finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said,
"Well, I'll run in and out and in and out
and keep slamming the door until St Peter says,
"For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!"

* * * *

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm
a mother was tucking her son into bed.
She was about to turn off the light when he
asked with a tremor in his voice,
"Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't dear," she said.
"I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice,
"The big sissy."

* * * *

It was that time, during the Sunday morning service,
for the children's sermon.
All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress
and, as she sat down, the minister leaned over and said,
"That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"
The little girl replied,
directly into the minister's clip-on microphone,
"Yes, and my Mum says it's a b@%!h to iron."

* * * *

When I was six months pregnant with my third child,
my three year old came into the room
when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.
She said, "Mummy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember
Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy."
"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your bum?"

* * * *

A little boy was doing his math homework.
He said to himself,
"Two plus five, that son of a b@%!h is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a b@%!h is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying
and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered,
"I'm doing my math homework, Mum."
"And this is how your teacher
taught you to do it?" the mother asked
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day,
"What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied,
"Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked,
"And are you teaching them to say
two plus two, that son of a b@%!h is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered,
"What I taught them was,
two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

* * * *

One day the first grade teacher was reading
the story of Chicken Little to her class.
She came to the part of the story
where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer.
She read, "....
and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer
and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class,
"And what do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said,
"I think he said "Holy S@#t! A talking chicken!"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

* * * *

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply,
I'm Mr Sugarbrown's daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong,
she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,
"Aren't you Mr Sugarbrown's daughter?"
She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

* * * *

A little girl asked her mother,
"Can I go outside and play with the boys?"
Her mother replied,
"No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,
If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

* * * *

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London.


After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.





The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed
before him.


The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.





He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores
than let liquor touch my lips."





The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me,
too, I didn't know we had a choice.

hat was a real trove of jokes. I needed that today!

Slàinte,    

Patch 

"The Keating Five included McCain and a Bush"       

Entry Into Heaven
Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?"

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?"

Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.

Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says. "Welcome to heaven!"

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials.

Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"

Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."

Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.

Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!" he says. "Come on in!"

Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"

George W. looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"

Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George."

Slàinte,   

Patch

"The Keating Five included McCain and a Bush"        

Glad you liked them Patch

English Signs

In a Bangkok temple:
"IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN."

Cocktail lounge , Norway :
"LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR."

Doctors office, Rome:
"SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Dry cleaners, Bangkok:
"DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

In a Nairobi rstaurant :
"CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER

On an Athi River highway: This is the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi/B]
"TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE."

[B]On a poster at Kencom:
"ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP."

In a City restaurant:
"OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS."

A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:
"DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS."

In a cemetery:
"PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES."

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
"GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED."

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
"OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.."

In a Tokyo bar:
"SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS."

Hotel , Yugoslavia :
"THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID."

Hotel , Japan :
"YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID."

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
"YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY."

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
"IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE
THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE."

Hotel, Zurich:
"BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE."

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
"WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?"

The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
"GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE."

In a Swiss mountain inn:
"SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE-CREAM."

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
"WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS."

A laundry in Rome:
"LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME."

There were two guys on a motorcycle driving down the road. The driver was wearing a leather jacket that didn't have a zipper or any buttons. Finally he stopped the bike and told the other guy, "I can't drive anymore with the air hitting me in my chest." After thinking for a while he decided to put the coat on backwards to block the air from hitting him. So they were driving down the road and they came around this curb and wrecked. The farmer that lived there called the police and told them what happened. The police asked him, "Are either of them showing any life signs?" The farmer then said, "Well, that first one was 'til I turned his head around the right way."


Slàinte,    

Patch    

LOL!!! Ahh Patch that was a good one

Thanks.

Slàinte,    

Patch    

WALKING EAGLE, a name given to Barack by the American Indian Nation.



'Walking Eagle' Senator BARACK OBAMA was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upstate New York ..

HE spoke for almost an hour on HIS future plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living, should HE one day become the President. HE referred to his career as a Senator, how he had signed 'YES' for every Indian issue that came to his desk for approval..

Although the Senator was vague on the details of his plan, he seemed most enthusiastic about his future ideas for helping his 'red sisters and brothers'.

At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented the Senator with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle. The proud Senator th en departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds.

A news reporter later inquired to the group of chiefs of how they came to select the new name they had given to the Senator.

They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of pooh it can no longer fly.


Slàinte,    

Patch    

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the cave’s roof to get some sleep. Soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to shut up and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. “OK, follow me.” He flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. “Do you see that tree over there?” “YES, YES, YES!!” the bats all screamed in a frenzy. “Well I didn’t!”

Slàinte,    

Patch    

Whilst enjoying a drink with a buddy one night, this guy decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar. To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if he'd like to come back to her place. The pair jump into a taxi and go back to her place.

Later, the young man pulls out a cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replies.
Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy begins to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquires nervously.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then.

"No, don't be silly," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demands the bewildered fellow.

Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her face and replies,

"That's me before the operation."

Slàinte,    

Patch    

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny.

So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.

She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek!"

Slàinte,    

Patch    

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they annoyed me.

And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they may be connected to the butt that I may have to kiss tomorrow.

Help me to always give 100% at work...
12% on Monday
23% on Tuesday
40% on Wednesday
20% on Thursday
5% on Fridays

And help me to remember... When I'm having a really bad day, and it seems that people are trying to annoy me, that it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 muscles to extend my middle finger and tell them to bite me!

Slàinte,    

Patch    

In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always

died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am,

regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had
something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve
the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 amSunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to
investigate the cause of the incidents.

The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 am,
all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside
the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon
was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer
books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.

Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-
time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life
support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

Slàinte,    

Patch    

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the
Exxon Val dez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00.
At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively
saved animals were being released back into the wild
amid cheers and applause from onlookers.

A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Slàinte,    

Patch