Pub humour, Jokes o'plenty

[InRi]

A boy visit his grandfather. The grandfather asks: How do yo do?" The grandchild answers: "All is best, but only with your badly broughtup son I have some trouble..."

Ingo

[TheCarolinaScotsman]

It was revealed today that Democrats are working on a new bailout plan for the country. When asked how they intend to pay for it, they replied, "Oh, we're going to sell Alaska back to Russia."

[flora]

A man in Jacksonville calls his son in San Diego two days before
Thanksgiving and says, 'I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you
that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is
enough."'Pop, what are you talking about?' the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the father says.
'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you
call your sister in Denver and tell her.'

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 'Like heck
they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this!!'
She calls Jacksonville immediately, and screams at her father, 'You are
NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm
calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then,
don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Okay, Honey,' he
says, 'they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way!'

Flora

[valpal59]

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?'

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Sure, Why not?'

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo..

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'

'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'

'You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government', says Bud.

'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'

'No guessing required.' answered the cowboy. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep. .

Now give me back my dog.


Val

[Patch]

There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their ass. I thought the results were pretty interesting:

85% of women think their ass is too big...

10% of women think their ass is too little...

The other 5% say that they don't care -
they love him and would have married him anyway.

Slàinte,    

Patch    

[Patch]

Time is a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.

Slàinte,    

Patch    

[valpal59]

THE TRUCKER
>
> A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order.
> >
> He said, 'I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights
> and a pair of running boards.'
>
> >
> The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear
> stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, 'This
> guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of
> headlights and a pair of running Boards.
> What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?'
> >
>
> 'No,' the cook said. 'Three flat tires mean
> three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side
> up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon.
> >
>
> 'Oh, OK!' said the blonde. She thought about it for
> a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to
> the customer.
> >
>
> The trucker asked , 'What are the beans for Blonde?
> >
>
> She replied, 'I thought while you were waiting for the
> flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well
> gas up!'

[valpal59]

That's How The Fight Started

________________________________



When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her

someplace expensive..... so, I took her to a gas station.

And that's how the fight started.....


*********************************************************

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would

make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that's how the fight started.


***********************************************************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my
driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I
had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but
I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton
your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She
said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she
processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly
told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She
said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too'.

And that's how the fight started.....


***********************************************************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion,
and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone
at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed,
'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after
we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober
since..' 'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'

And that's how the fight started.....


***********************************************************************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the
road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how
sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it....he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to
my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!' So, I looked
down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And that's how the fight started.....


***********************************************************************
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason,
took my order first. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?' 'Nah, she can order
for herself.'

And that's how the fight started.....

[flora]

She spent the first day packing her personal belongings into boxes, crates, and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come to collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything, cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out.

Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.

Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end They even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.

People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house.
The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually, even the local Realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going.

He told her the saga of the rotting house.

She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home
terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10 of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed, and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?!


A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new Home,

including the curtain rods.

[valpal59]

Thanksgiving Divorce

A man in Jacksonville calls his son in San Diego two days
before Thanksgiving and says, "I hate to ruin your day,
but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.
Forty-five years of misery is enough.

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son
screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any
longer," the father says. "We're sick of each
other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call
your sister in Denver and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the
phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced,"
she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

She calls Jacksonville immediately, and screams at her
father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a
single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother
back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then,
don't do a thing. DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up the phone and turns to his wife.
"Okay." he says, "They're coming for
Thanksgiving and paying their own way."

[Harlot]

The Pregnant Blonde

The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up
to me in the

driveway jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was
jumping so

excitedly but I thought, 'what the heck', and I
starting jumping up and

down along with her.

She said, 'I have some really great news!'

I said, 'Great. Tell me why you're so
happy.'
She stopped jumping and breathing heavily from all the
jumping up and

down, told me that she was pregnant. I knew she'd been
trying for a

while so I told her, 'That's great I couldn't
be happier for you!'
Then she said, 'There's more'
I asked, What do you mean there's more.

She said, 'Well, we are not having just one baby. We
are going to have

TWINS!'

Amazed at how she could know so soon after
getting pregnant, I asked

her how she knew. She said....
(You're going to love this!)





'Well, that was the easy part. I went to Sam's
Club and they actually

had a home pregnancy kit in a TWIN-pack. Both tests came
out

positive!'

[valpal59]

[Harlot]

2008's First Christmas Joke



Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


The man replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season
Begins......

[maisky]

Please dont hate me for this:

Attached Image. (Click thumbnail to expand)

[flora]

I love it! Where did you find something like that? Or did you create it?

Flora