Pub humour, Jokes o'plenty

A NUN IN HOOTERS

A nun, badly needing to
use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters
restaurant. The
place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every
once in a while the lights would turn off.
Each time the
lights would go out, the
place would erupt into cheers. However,
when
the revelers saw the
nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the
bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?
The bartender replied,
"OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue
of a naked man in there
wearing only a fig leaf." "Well, in that case I'll just look
the other way," said the nun.
So, the
bartender showed the nun
to the back of the restaurant, and she proceeded to the
restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out,
and
the whole place stopped
just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the
bartender and said, "Sir , I don't understand. Why did they
applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?" "Well,
now they know you're one of us, "said the bartender, "Would
you like a drink?"
"But, I still don't
understand," said the puzzled nun. "You see," laughed the
bartender, "every time the fig leaf on the
statue
is lifted up, the lights
go out. Now, how about that drink?"
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OK Paul... why did this post 2 times? Please remove the extra post LOL!

Shadows

OK Paul... why did this post 2 times? Please remove the extra post LOL!

Shadows

An American and a Scot met on the first hole at St. Andrews and decided they would play together. After holing out, the American asked the Scot "What did you take on that hole?"

"Five," replied the Scot.

"I had a four. That means I won that hole." The American gleefully teed up on the second hole. After holing out on number 2, the American again asked, "What did you take on that hole?"

"Nay, laddie," said the Scotsman. "'Tis MY turn to ask this time."

CAUTION! Slightly risque joke follows.

Okay, you asked for it!

A group of people were standing in line at the air line ticket counter when one man suddenly exclaimed "My name's Brown. B-R-O-W-N, Brown. I'm from Houston, Texas. I'm six foot five and weigh two hundred and fifty pounds. I'm white from the top of my head to the tips of my toes and I hate Irishmen."


This caused some consternation among the people in line, but no one said anything. A few minutes later, the man again proclaimed in a loud voice "My name's Brown. B-R-O-W-N, Brown. I'm from Houston, Texas. I'm six foot five and weigh two hundred and fifty pounds. I'm white from the top of my head to the tips of my toes and I hate Irishmen."

And again, although many people looked at him with disdain and disgust, no one uttered a word. Finally, the people managed to board the plane, whereupon the man stood in front of the seats and made it known that "My name's Brown. B-R-O-W-N, Brown. I'm from Houston, Texas. I'm six foot five and weigh two hundred and fifty pounds. I'm white from the top of my head to the tips of my toes and I hate Irishmen."


Finally, a small man at the rear of the plane stood up and spoke. "Me name is Patrick O'Riley. I'm from Dublin, Ireland. I'm five foot six and weigh one hundred and fifty pounds. I'm white from the top of me head to the tips of me toes."


"Except for me ars**ole. It's Brown, B-R-O-W-N, Brown."

Sven and Ole go fishing out on the lake. After an hour in an unproductive spot they decide to try somewhere else. When Sven pulls the rope to start the outboard, it falls off the back of the boat and sinks straight to the bottom. After a bit of head scratching Sven says it's his fault and he'll go down and get it. So he dives in. After a while Ole gets worried and tries to see what is going on.
Sticking his head under he sees Sven down on the bottom pulling on the starter rope time and time again.
Seeing just what the problem is he shouts down " Oh Sven, you'll never start it THAT way, you got to pull the choke out first!

For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free", here's an update for you.

Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why?

Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire Pig,
just to get a little sausage.

that was cruel....

BE ADVISED

i dont know if this is to naughty to post but when i heard it years ago it cracked me up so much i nicknamed the couple that told it to me breathless and precious..... a nickname that still holds to this day.


an aged southern bell by the name of beulah, after living alone
with her sister for 40 years, goes off on her first trip alone to
new york city.

Upon her return she has tea with her equally aged spinster sister daisy.
beulah confides in hushed tones to daisy,"daisy, did you know
that in New York city there are men that make love to other men?"

quite shocked daisy replies "dear me sister! What do they call these men?"
beulah relpies in a hushed tones to daisy "They call them homosexuals dear sister."

whispering again bealah ads, "and did you know that, in New York City, there are women that make love to other women?"

covering her mouth with disbelief daisy quietly inquires, while
fanning her face with her hand,"and what do they call these women, sister?"
beulah, acknowleging her sisters shock and disbelief says" they are called lesbians..."

after a moment beulah tells daisy the most shocking of all...
and did you know daisy that in New York City they have men that will kiss you down there!" as she speaks she points discreetly to her lap daisy completely shocked, and slightly overcome with the vapors, stammers, "and...and what...what do they call these men??

beulah breaking into a faraway look,and faint smile, replies... "i dont know daisy,she whispered, but when i caught my breath... i just called him precious!"

How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?
None - they form a self help group called "How to cope with life in the dark".

that was cruel....

It IS a bit cruel. But the cow joke has been cruel for years and years.

AMEN sister!




- How many self-help group memebers does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but they have to want to change.


- How many men does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one because the whole world revolves around them.

Well... Yeah!

There was a man who had worked his whole life in a pickle factory. One day he came home and told his wife that he had been fired from his job. She began to scream and yell, 'You have given them twenty years of devoted service. Why did they fire you?'

'For twenty years I've wanted to stick my pecker in the pickle slicer,' he explained, 'and today I finally did it!'

The wife ran over and pulled his pants down to see what damage had been done. 'You look okay,' she said with a sigh of relief. 'So what happened to the pickle slicer?'

'Well,' he said with hesitation, 'they fired her, too.'

An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his potato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son Fred, who used to help him, was in prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

"Dear Fred,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love Dad"


A few days later he received a letter from his son....

"Dear Dad,

For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the BODIES!!!

Love Fred"


At 4 am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son....

"Dear Dad,

Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love Fred"