Pub humour, Jokes o'plenty

[Patch]

Most people assume WWJD is for "What would Jesus do?". But the initials really have been changed to stand for "What would Jesus drive?".

One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth because the Bible says, "God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury".

But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo. The passage urges the Jesus to "pursue your enemies with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm".

Perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses' followers are warned not to go up a mountain "until the Ram's horn sounds a long blast".

Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda but didn't like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St. John's gospel where Christ tells the crowd, "For I did not speak of my own Accord..."

Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible passage declaring that "the roar of Moses' Triumph is heard in the hills".

Joshua drove a Triumph sports car with a hole in its muffler: "Joshua's Triumph was heard throughout the land". And, following Jesus' lead, the Apostles car pooled in a Honda... "The Apostles were in one Accord."

Slàinte,    

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[Patch]

Serious Golf...

The minister drove into a sand trap. He picked up his golf club, broke it but didn't say a word.

Then he picked up the golf bag and tore it to shreds but didn't say a word.

He then took out all the golf balls and flung them into the woods but did not say one word.

Finally he muttered, "I'm going have to give it up."

"Golf?" asked the caddie.

"No" he replied. "The ministry."

Slàinte,    

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[Patch]

This works for everything

A Good Way to Begin the Day

1. Open a new file in your PC.

2. Name it "HOUSEWORK"

3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN

4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN

5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete Housework permanently?"

6. Answer calmly, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly.

Slàinte,    

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[Patch]

Perfection

The preacher said, "There's no such thing as a perfect woman. Anybody present who has ever known a perfect woman, stand up."

Nobody stood up.

"Those who have ever known a perfect man, stand up."

One elderly gentleman stood up.

"Are you honestly saying you knew an absolutely perfect man?" he asked, somewhat amazed.

"Well now, I didn't know him personally," replied the little old man, "but I have heard a great deal about him. He was my wife's first husband."

Slàinte,    

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[Leelee]

Retired People

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day, Mary my wife and I went into town and visited a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, "Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a dumb ass. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires. So Mary called him a pooh head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

[Leelee]

I GUESS IT WORKS .

It is a slow day in the small Minnesota town of Marshall, and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody is living on credit.

A rich tourist visiting the area drives through town, stops at the motel, lays a $100 bill on the desk and says he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs before selecting one for the night.

1. As soon as he walks upstairs, the motel owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

2. The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer.

3. The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill to his supplier, the Farmer's Co-op.

4. The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.

5. The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.

6. The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the rich traveler will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, picks up the $100 bill and leaves town.

No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now out of debt and looks to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how Stimulus works.

[Leelee]

The room was full of pregnant women with their partners in a lamaze class.

The instructor said "ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier!" just take several stop and stay on a soft surface like grass or a path.

"And gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together --- it wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her."

Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand. "yes?" answered the teacher. "i was just wondering. Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

[Patch]

When my daughter was three, we watched `Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs' for the first time. The wicked queen appeared, disguised as an old lady selling apples, and my daughter was spellbound. Then Snow White took a bite of the poisoned apple and fell to the ground unconscious. As the apple rolled away, my daughter spoke up. "See, Mom. She doesn't like the skin either."

Slàinte,    

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[Patch]

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter -- haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

Slàinte,    

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[Patch]

Slàinte,    Patch    Steven Wright one-liners

It doesn't matter what temperature a room is. It is always room temperature.

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What if birds were tickled by feathers.

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On an application form where they ask who to notify in case of an emergency, I always put "the doctor." What could my mother do anyway?

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I wanted to get a whole-body tattoo. ... of me. ... only taller.

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I bought a second-hand diary the other day.

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My girlfriend asked me if I could know how and when I would die would I want to know.

I said, "No."

She said, "Well, forget it, then."

--

I stepped out for a walk. My girlfriend asked how long I would be out. I said, "The whole time."

Slàinte,    

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[MacEoghainn]

This one may already be here.

A Scottish Soldier in full dress uniform marches into a chemists.

Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandanna, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds to reveal a condom.

The condom has a number of patches on it. The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.

“How much to repair it?” the Scot asks the chemist.

“Six pence,” says the chemist.

“How much for a new one?”

“Ten pence,”says the chemist.

The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.

A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater shout.

The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.

“The regiment has taken a vote,” he says.

“We’ll have a new one.”

[soulseeker]

Seen in a Dublin newspaper:

Prize crossword. Solve it and win £20,000 plus a holiday for two in Paris.


For those only playing for fun, the answers are on page 14.

[Patch]

CHRISTMAS FAIRY

I am a little fairy
On tap o' the Christmas Tree
It's no' a job I fancy
Well how would you like tae be me?

A'm tarted up wi' tinsel
It's enough to mak ye boak
An a couple o' jaggy branches
Rammed up the back o' your froack.

An' wi'a' these lights a'roon me
I canna get my sleep
An' there's the yearly visit
Fae Santa - Big fat creep!

On Christmas Day I'm stuck up here
While you're a a'wirin' in
An' naebody says "Hey you up there,-
Could you go a slug o' gin?

It's nae joke bein' a fairy
The job's beyond belief
Ye go 'roon and 'roon the bairnies beds
An' lift their rotten teeth.

But o' a' the joabs a fairy gets
An' I' ve mentioned only some,
The very worst is up a tree
Wi' pine needles up yir bum.

When a' the fairies meet again
By the light of' the silvery moon,
Ye can tell the Christmas fairies -
They're the wans that canna sit doon.

The Christmas tree's a bonny sight

As the firelight softly flickers
But think o' me,- A'm stuck up here
Wi' needles in my knickers !

So soon as Christmas time's right by
An' I stop bein' sae full o' cheer
I'll get awa back tae Fairyland
An' Ah'll see yous a' next year.

[haynes9]

Love this! May already be here, but it sure is a hoot. Merry Christmas, all!

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents the week before Christmas.
At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.
"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE..."
"I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO..."
"I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."
To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"

[Patch]

I am five feet, three inches tall and pleasingly plump. Recently, after I had a minor accident, my mother accompanied me to the emergency room.

The ER nurse asked for my height and weight, and I responded in a serious tone, "Five-foot-eight, 125 pounds."

While the nurse pondered this information, my mother leaned over to me...

"Sweetheart," she gently chided, "this is not the Internet."