Pub humour, Jokes o'plenty

[Robert Phoenix]

LOVE POEM
I will seek and find you.

I shall take you to bed and have my way with you

I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.

I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.

And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.



All my love,






The Flu

[gaberlunzie]

Not exactly what one would have expected - but hey, how true it is!

[maggiemahone1]

that's why I get a flu shot!

maggiemahone1

[blackcloud1129]

> Subject: A Very Short Story>

> *Man driving down road.

> Woman driving up the same road.

> They pass each other.

> The woman yells out the window, PIG!

> Man yells out window, B I T C H!

> Man rounds next curve.

> Crashes into a HUGE PIG in middle of the

> road and dies.

>

> If only men would listen.

[maisky]

14 REASONS WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN WIVES

  1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.


2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.


 3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.


4. A dog's parents never visit.

 

 5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.


6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

 

7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

 

8. Dogs like to go golfing, hunting and fishing.

 

 9. A dog will not wake you up at night t  ask, 'If I died, would you
get another dog?'


10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them
away.
 
11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a
pervert.
 
12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just
think it's interesting.
 
13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
 
   And last, but not least:
 
14. If a dog leaves, she won't take half of  your stuff.

[st andrews cross]

Two gay Irishmen:

William Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzwilliam

[st andrews cross]

A scotsman walks into a bar. In the corner a horse is thethered beneath a sign saying "$100 if you can make this horse laugh". As he drinks his pint several people attempt to win the money with no success. He finishes his drink and tells the bartender to get the money ready. The scot walks over to the horse and whispers in it's ear, The horse starts laughing so hard it falls over. Angus then returns to tha bar to collect his prize.
Several weeks later he is in the same bar and notices the sign has changed to "$100 if you can make this horse cry". He finishes his pint, walks up to the horse and a few moments later the horse is weeping it's eyes out. Angus goes to the bar to collect his money and the bartender says "You've won all my money, at least tell me what you said to the horse"
The scot replies "The first time I told him my penis was larger than his - the second time I showed him"

[Perkeo]

Another poem

Shut the door,

Take off your pants,

Get on top of me and

Do what you need

To satisfy your needs.

Love always,








The Toilet

[Robert Phoenix]

Creation
On the first day, God created the dog and said:

"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or
walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years
and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

"Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you
a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long
time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?"

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

"You must go in to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under
the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty Years."

The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty
years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty,
the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog
gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to s upport our
family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the
grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and
bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you

[Robert Phoenix]

Cannibal Restaurant
-- A cannibal was walking through the jungle and
came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat
hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu.
+ Tourist: $5
+ Broiled Missionary: $10.00
+ Fried Explorer: $15.00
+ Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, 'Why such a price
difference for the Politicians?'


The cook replied, 'Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full
of crap, it takes all morning.'

[Robert Phoenix]

(Supposedly) Jeff Foxworthy on Wisconsin

If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 38 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, you might live in Wisconsin .

If you're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each year because Park Falls is the coldest spot in the nation, you might live in Wisconsin .

If you have ever refused to buy something because it's "too pricey," you might live in Wisconsin .

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March, you might live in Wisconsin .

If you instinctively walk like a penguin for five months out of the year, you might live in Wisconsin .

If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don't work there, you might live in Wisconsin .

If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, you might live in Wisconsin .

If you may not have actually eaten it, but you have heard of Head Cheese, you might live in Wisconsin .

If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you might live in Wisconsin .

If you have either a pet or a child named "Brett," you might live in Wisconsin .

If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might live in Wisconsin .

If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in Wisconsin .

If you know how to say Oconomowoc, Waukesha , Menomonie & Manitowoc, you might live in Wisconsin .

If you think that ketchup is a little too spicy, you might live in Wisconsin.

If every time you see moonlight on a lake, you think of a dancing bear, and you sing gently, "From the land of sky-blue waters,"....you might live in Wisconsin .

YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TRUE WISCONSINITE WHEN:

1. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.

2. "Vacation" means going up north past Hwy 8 for the weekend.

3. You measure distance in hours.

4. You know several people who have hit deer more than once.

5. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again.

6. Your whole family wears Packer Green to church on Sunday.

7. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.

8. You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including weddings and funerals ).

9. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

10. You think of the major food groups as beer, fish, and venison.

11. You carry jumper cables in your car and your wife or girlfriend knows how to use them.

12. There are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot at Mill's Fleet Farm at any given time.

13. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

14. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.

15. You refer to the Packers as "we."

16. You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction.

17. You can identify a southern or eastern accent.

18. You have no problem pronouncing Lac Du Flambeau.

19. You consider Minneapolis exotic.

20. You know how to polka.

21. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce.

22. You were unaware that there is a legal drinking age.

23. Down South to you means Illinois .

24. A brat is something you eat.

25. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new pole shed.

26. You go out to fish fry every Friday

27. Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.

28. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.

29. You find minus twenty degrees "a little chilly."

30. You actually understand these jokes

[TheCarolinaScotsman]

ALL GRANDPAS, HEED THIS WARNING:

Do NOT lose your grand kid(s) at the Mall!

My grandson got away from me Sunday at the mall. He
approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The boy hesitated for a minute, then replied,
"Single malt whisky and women with big'uns."

[shuggieduggie]

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
"Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
"Where's my toast ?"

[Robert Phoenix]

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this.

For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything ?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows!
OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I wan to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOT T: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on 'START'

[Jimmy Carbomb]

Has this really gone to 45 pages?!

Who knew?

You people are really WARPED! (Says the one that started this mess)