Posted by maddogmikk on Apr 8th, 2011 5:31 PM

How do you become a good puppet?
Step one.
Find something you can do when the controller of the strings is wrong. They are always right. Your also wrong. Thats that
Step two.
Learn how not to have thoughts, felling, anything. Your always wrong no matter if its not true.You have no choices. If they say jump you jump. You don't even ask how high.
Step three.
Learn how to hind every little thing you think. If the string puller says to run into a bears den. Do it. Even if you are peeing your pants and you don't want to. Nope get over it. The puller did not say to be afraid.
Step four.
The only word you now know is Yes. Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes.

if you follow these four easy steps you are on your way to becoming a good puppet.
One last thing,
Does you string puller know your here?


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Posted by maddogmikk on Apr 7th, 2011 7:37 PM

Why is it that I'm the bad guy again. I tried to talk again I need to get all the bad stuff out. No one is listening. All I hear is "No josh, your wrong josh, thats not right josh, you can't feel like that josh". Five times now I have tried to sit and talk to Amanda.She just yells at me. I asked her how she can seem as if I never mattered to her. She said it's because she numb in side. I guess because shes numb I have to be the same why. Well Amanda I'm not like you.This morning I tried to talk to nic and josh. But that turned into nothing but me getting chewed out. I even told them I had to get it out and they said that was a lie. Guess what It wan't a lie I needed to get it out. I tried to talk to Joe and all he can do is talk about how he think it's because I wont party. Nope Joe that's not it. I just want a loved one to care that I have all this bad stuff in side and I can't get it to go way. I'm scared. I can feel it like slime. Oozing across my brain. It's seeping into my mouth and falling into my belly where it goes into every inch of my body. I want it out. The only thing holding me strong Is my kids. But I'm scared I will mess that up. So that is slowly slipping. I feel like every one at one time has said fu(k you josh and has left me to handle this by my self. Just like before all i get is the victim sh&t. It getting so bad I can't see straight. When I stand up I almost pass out and not one person seems to care that this is happening to me. I'm scared to even ask for help. I feel like that dog that's been kicked so many times by his owner every time he moves hes trying to hide so he does get it again. I just want to go into a hole and come when I'm called. Then go back into. Thats want I'm kinda doing. I'm hiding in the bed room because I can't take it anymore. If I stay back here and sit on this computer I'm safe from the ooze. I just hope that is stays that way.
thank you for listening. again it helped me.

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Posted by maddogmikk on Apr 7th, 2011 11:16 AM

I'm at my breaking point. Everyone seems to think that they know why I do things. I've had to play the @$$ hole for days now. My voices are getting harder to handle each day. My wife wants to leave me. I can't eat anything it just makes me sick. I can't tell anyone here because then I get in trouble for playing the "victim ". Every time I say something , every time I move someone is telling that it is wrong. I feel lost with no help in site. Music isn't helping ,reading isn't helping, looking at my kids isn't helping because I'm afraid that I will say something wrong and then they to will be mad at me to. Do you know how it feels to have everyone in your life mad at you and you haven't done anything but try to work on your problems? last night was the worst the voices have ever been. Five hours of talking, them and me. Do you know what that does to a man? it breaks him. I tried lean on Amanda last night for help but this morning I got in trouble for waking her.
I'm the one that every one comes to for help. If they need someone to talk to, if they need something and I have it I give it to them. But no one what to help me. All I get is "stop try to make us feel sorry for you. Your not the victim Josh we are. Your the one that is in the wrong not us. Your the one that fuc%ed up Josh. Not us. You." But no one seems to see that they have left me to fight for my self. I'm always there to fight with them. I scratch their backs and they kick me to the ground.
I'm supposed to know what they mean when they say something. If yes is the answer to my question it's ok for them to say "we're still talking about it but as of right now the out come looks like yes, but we're not sure well get back to you." I'm suppose to know that that means yes. Not that their're not sure. How in the h#ll is that a yes? To me that is a maybe.
When I'm told "hey Josh when the voices get to bad let me know I'll help." I write that I'm hurting or say that I'm hurting. What do I get? "No that not what you meant. You meant it that we are being as$ holes to you Josh."
I can't run my own life. I haven't slept for maybe 2 hours a day for the last 4 maybe five days. And is anyone here to let me rest. Nope. Because some one else is in need of help. I hate being the strong one. No one thinks that you need help.
I can't say that I don't feel like doing anything tonight. I just want to go to sleep. Nope someone already made plans for me. not even asking if it's ok with me. I say "no I really don't want to do anything." I get told "stop being a jerk to everyone, your going." I'm 25 almost 26 and I feel like I'm 5. And if I tell them that I feel like that. Well like I said before I get "Josh stop playing the victim." How much sh&t is a person to take before they lose it. Before it just keeps stacking up and up and up and up and up and up. BOOM then I yell at someone. When I say "I'm sorry for yelling at you. I've got a lot on my plate.
" They say "well lets talk josh. Tell me what is wrong." I tell them that all that I've said above and I still get the "victim" card.
You want to know something not one person has asked my how I fell about the fact that I failed collage again after trying so hard. Not one. How I feel is like I'm the dumbest person on the earth. I hate myself for not being good a math. I feel like I've let my kids down. I tired to tell Amanda and This is how far I got into that.
"Amanda, can I talk to you about collage?" "Sure josh." "Thanks. I feel like I am a re..............." that was it. I got to the dots and she says "Get over it Josh." And she left to go do something "better". Come to find out it the something better was looking in the mirror to see if she need to touch up her eye liner. Then going down to see her sister and josh. I followed. And for almost three hours she sat there and listen to nick and josh 's problems. And then hugged them and helped them feel better. It upset me. Would it not upset you? I say to my self "I'm not going to yell I'm not going to start a fight."So I go upstairs so I can cool off. 10 minutes later Amanda comes up to find me. "Why did you leave josh." She says. "Amanda I really don't want to talk about it." "No josh talk." "Ok it hurt me Amanda that you gave me like 2 minutes of your time when I needed you. And you gave Nick and Josh like three hours. You know how that turned out. After I said that She gets mad at me and says "that I don't love her. That I haven;t loved her for years." I ask "do you know see why I got mad?" She says "No." I tell her just like I just wrote it. "I got two mins of your time about something that really upset me. I never got to finish. Instead you leave and talk to Nick and josh for hours well I'm sitting hating myself". She then says "That is no reason to get upset at her. Nick and Josh needed some one to talk to Josh. Stop being a a$$ hole." Then she says "that she wants to separate because I don't love her and I'm controlling her time with other people." I ask "How?" She says "because I got mad at her for being with Nick and Josh." Am i wrong to be a upset? I feel like I was swept under the rug and forgot about.
Now this is not a once in a blue moon thing and it not only her. It happens every day with some one I know. I got asked by someone if they could use my car to take a 2-3 hours trip down state. I said "Sorry but I would not feel safe with you going that far in the van." I then tell them why I said that. "I keep losing the brakes and no matter what I do to it it still messes up. I would hate myself if you guys were driving down and the brakes gave out at 70 MPH with you guys and your kids in the car and you couldn't stop and you hit someone and died." Now to me that is showing care. Right? I get today that "I hate everyone in my family and the I'm selfish. ??? So I guess not wanting family dying in your car because it keeps losing the brakes makes me a @$$ hole. It's carp like that every day for me. And no one ever sees why I get upset. Even if I tell them at that moment way and then show them why. I'm still doing it the way they think it is and that me being a a$$ hole
I'm surprised that anyone cares that I still hear the voices. The only reason that is is because 3 years ago I slipped up and listened to one of voices and almost killed my self. I was saved by the cry of Haleigh. I bet if that night never happened they would think that I was lying to get more victim points.

Well I'm surprised but I feel a lot better. I'm still tried and I still hurting. But I stop shaking for the first time in days and i don't feel like I'm going to be sick. Thank you guys again for listening to my problems. Have wonderful day and I will see you in MK ;-)

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Posted by maddogmikk on Mar 6th, 2011 4:14 AM

Shhhhhh. Quietness. That is the sound I long for. And yet I still can't find it. Running from the pain and hiding from the truth. Uses what ever I need to get by. Hiding the pain that shows in my eyes. Trying to stay one step ahead and yet I come to find out that I'm 5 steps behind. Music has always been there. And yet when they come by it not there. They fill my head with hate. Not for other but for myself. There a few that seem to like me for who I am. But they like myself seem to run and hide. When it starts its like a tornado. Spinning around and around and around. Where do I stop nobody knows. Yelling and pounding wish for a off button like the Tv. Little games that they like play. Yelling for me to come yet they use others voices. Stopping only when they get there fill. And the music is back. Mmmmmm how long before they show up again? How long can i walk and listen to that music? Not long I know but still if I walk on the side of good and be like the Jedi's they seem to want to hind. That is good intill i get upset. Then that ride starts all over again. The insults no music no lullaby that I've always heard. Step one step two step four step five.??? what happen to step three? That's what is like when they come to stay. Talking talking talking talking. I what to yell. But not right now. For i hear the music and the nice ate here. O the nice what pleasant time. They line the music and they come out of hiding and what to dance. The only problem with the nice is the fact that they seem to take up my space. I don't know how, but the space is not there. My feet that up space my body takes up space my hand and arms to up space my heart and soul take up space and head takes up space but yet when I try to feel the space its not there when the nice or even the bad are over to play. Little tea parties for one. Table for many. Would you like to see a menu. But its only me. Why would i need a table so big. Lock in a room i have no key for is the place that i fear yet I want to go there. So that i know. I can't hate but I can not like. Hate is a thing that eats and eats in till nothing is left. So wrong. Love can be the same you know. Love what is given to you for you never know if it is a gift or a curse. But that a different story. Typing typing writing writing that seem to make everyone happy. I don't know why. But it does. Can't sleep but writing now I am ready for bed. Sleeping everyone shuts up. But then I have to hind and fear then to. But I've already told that story.But I was told to find the thing. But If i find that thing wont the bad know it to. Wife wanted to go. But then she found the truth. Now I feel that she is stuck. Happy when I know she is happy. No matter want. Hungry but she always find food here with me. I know the hungry. I eat and danced before. But seemed to not work for my. Found food to solve that need. But when the bad comes to say hi I get scared. Not knowing what will come out. Hate to my freinds. Even when they know it's the bad come to say hi. But yet I know one day what i say is not me. Stay away from the bad. Play with the good. But sometimes it's a masquerade and they all look the some. which is good which is bad. Fire fire fire get the water. Nope. What why i never know. But the nice come by with the fire truck. Now its a storm. Lighting thunder wind rain. Under a tree naked and cold. Ha ha ha ha. O I dis like the bad. But Here the music coming down the rood. The bad stop laughing and look around. And slam the gates are open and their off. In comes the good like superman. clothing in hand. One sec. done the music is there. look down and feel the space. Hte good say by. And the record starts to spin. "the Jayz song starts to play". Now I walk with that smile on my face and a bounce in my step. In till next time. The record still spins. The needle still works. And the music is loud. This is good. This make her what to stay. Funny. Now she knows it to. walking on tiptoes. No noise she doesn't what to spook the deer in the tall tall grass. Smile kiss love. a sigh of relief. Good to know that I am still the only one. Run and get lunch. But Make sure I have dinner with you. Warning hot when visiting. She knows. She looks for the signs. And asks for directions. She know the road now. But now its bed time eye lids heave got to get sleep. good night

this is not anything to freak out about. My wife read lost and thought that i was going to do something dumb. If you think that about me then I am sorry. That's not what any of this means. this is what goes on in side my head. good night. And Thank you for listening to a man and his thoughts.

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Posted by maddogmikk on Feb 28th, 2011 11:41 AM

I get asked by many people that knew me when i was younger " why don't you act like how you were back in the day". I tell them all the same thing, Its because I'm a dad now. And that works. They don't ask me intill the next time I'm the DD. But that is not the whole truth. I need to let someone know, These people would understand, maybe.My wife is one of these people that ask me this. But that's everyday.Not when I'm the DD. My wife would still not understand. Ive told her. Maybe I wasn't clear. So Im going to tell you. /maybe you will get it.
Back in the day. I partied like there was no tomorrow. I could put a Scottish sea men under the table. and I'm not bragging its true, and I'm not happy about it. The things that I put into my body I'm surprised I'm not died. I have seen things that would make a grown man cry and run back to his mother. And Ive done things that make me go what the he&( was wrong with me. But I know what was wrong and this is what no one seems to get.
i had nothing. nothing to live for. If I was going to die I was going out with a bang. And damn it I was on fire. And I mean that in the figuratively and realistically way. A few times I was on fire. I got lucky.But lying there one day I saw something. I saw that I had someone that i loved. And some time after that I had my son. And I knew no mater how hard life was I had meaning.And onthe day of my sons brith. I made a pacted with my self him and god that I was done with the partying, And I have bin. Once in awhile I will sit back and have a cold one or once in a great well i have more then a few. but thats almost never. I think once in the past 5 years i had more then one drink. but what I dont get is why noone seems to get that.???????? why


Thank you for listening to a man and his thoughts

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