Pub humour, Jokes o'plenty

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. "Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant. "Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again. "Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again." Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?" Billy Bob says, This year I'm taking Earlene with me.

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Walking Economy
A guy is walking down the street with his friend. He says to his friend, "I'm a walking economy."

His friend replies, "How's that?"

"It's like this -- my hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the combination of these factors is putting me into a deep depression."


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How to get ahead in the corporate world: Corporate Math

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to
those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life? Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
I f:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and
Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the
Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

THE LEGEND OF OLD BUTCH

John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover.

To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize" but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully this year...the bells are not always audible

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A number of showgirls were entertaining the troops at a remote Army camp. They had been performing all afternoon and were not only tired but also very hungry. Finally, at the close of the show, the major asked, “Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers this evening?”
“Either way,” spoke up one of their number. “But we’ve just got to have something to eat first.”


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A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage on a train. After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep -- the man on the top bunk, and the woman on the lower.

In the middle of the night the man leans over, wakes the woman and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket?"

The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye, says, "I have a better idea, just for tonight, let's make pretend that we're married."

The man says happily, "OK! Sure!"

The woman says, "GOOD. Get your own damn blanket!"

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One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.

Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.

The results showed a reading of 0.0.

The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

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1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

2. A day without sunshine is like...night.

3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

4. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

5. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

6. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

7. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

8. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

9. How many of you believe in psycho kinesis?...Raise my hand.

10. OK...so what's the speed of dark?

11. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

12. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

13. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

14. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

15. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

16. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

17. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.

18. Just remember---if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

19. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

20. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow.

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MID LIFE CRISIS/MALE MENOPAUSE

After I had been married for 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old blonde."

I continued, "Now we have a $500,000.00 home, a $45,000.00 car, a nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crises!

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Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is usually the husband. When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first: the truck, the car, e-mail, fishing, always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. 'When you finish cutting the grass,' I said, 'you might as well sweep the driveway.' The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp!


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Patch;

Good ones. Oh by the way left or right leg.


Camac.

Could be both legs after that prank!

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Could be both legs after that prank!

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Patch;

The Husband who tries to better his wife is indeed a brave man. Worthy of great honour (sympathy).


Camac.

I hope no one takes offense......

Top Ten most Polite Ways to Say Your Zipper Is Down.........
by David Letterman

10. The cucumber has left the salad.

9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.

7 . Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson..

6. Elvis is leaving the building.

5. T he Buick is not all the way in the garage.

4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.

3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

2. Men may be From Mars.....but I can see something that rhymes with Venus.


And the #1 way to tell someone his zipper is unzipped.....


1. I always knew you were crazy, but now I can see your nuts.

A Ritchie County, West Virginia farmer got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring farm and knocked at the door. A young boy about 9 years old opened the door. 'Is yer Dad home?' the farmer asked. 'No sir, he ain't,' the boy replied. 'He went into town.' 'Well,' said the farmer, 'is yer Mom here?' 'No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad.' 'How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?' 'He went with Mom and Dad.' The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself. 'Is there anything I can do fer ya?' the boy asked politely. 'I know where all the tools are if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad.' 'Well,' said the farmer uncomfortably, 'I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It's about your Brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae,Pregnant.' The boy considered for a moment. 'You would have to talk to Pa abou that' he finally conceded. 'If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard.'

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