Pub humour, Jokes o'plenty

dont know if this one was posted but it is one of me favorites....

A drunk goes into a bar. He is very, very drunk - can hardly stand up. He
slurs his way up to the bar and says: "Hey, bartender! Gimme a martini!"
"No, no," says the bartender. "You've had too much already." The drunk
spies a dart board behind the bar. "Tell you what," he says. "If I can
throw three bull's eyes with that dart set would you let me have the
drink?" "Sure," says the bartender, thinking the guy would leave after the little game. He hands the drunk three darts. "Look out, everybody!" Zot,zot, zot.
The drunk throws three quick bull's eyes. Well, the bartender
had never seen anything like that before, but he has to make good on the
wager, so he makes a martini and sets it before the drunk. He then puts a
napkin next to the drink and sets a turtle on it. "What's this," says the
drunk. "That's a prize for such fine dart throwing," says the bartender.
The drunk drinks his martini, picks up the turtle, puts it in his coat
pocket, and leaves. Well, the next night, the same drunk goes into the
same bar. Again, he is hopelessly inebriated; totally faced. "Bartender,"
he says. "Gimme a martini!" "No, no," says the bartender. "You're too
drunk already. Go home." Again the drunk notices the darts. "If I can
throw three bull's eyes would you gimme the martini?" he asks. The
bartender thinks, "This guy can't be that lucky again. I'll get rid of
him." "Sure, sure," he says, handing the darts over. Bip, bip, bip.
Three bull's eyes. "Holy cow," says the bartender, and he gives the drunk
guy a martini. Again, he sets a turtle next to it. "What's this?" asks
the drunk. "That's a prize for being such a good shot." "Oh," says the
drunk, and he quaffs his martini, puts the turtle in his coat pocket, and
leaves. Believe it or not, the very next night the same drunk enters the
same bar. "Gimme a martini!" he demands. "No, no," says the bartender.
"You've been overserved already. Get on home." Spying the dart board once more, the drunk guy says: "Would tossing three bull's eyes prove that I'm not overserved?" The bartender can't believe that anybody this drunk could possibly hit the dart board, let alone get three bull's eyes. "OK," he
says, forking over the three darts. The drunk deftly grabs all three darts
and tosses them simultaneously. Thwock! All three darts land solidly in
the bull's eye! "Unbelievable!ö says the incredulous bartender. True to
his word, he prepares a martini and sets it before the drunk guy. He then
lays a beautiful long-stem rose on the bar next to the cocktail. "What's
this?" asks the drunk. "That's a special prize for being so good at
darts," says the bartender. "Oh," says the drunk. "All out of roast beef
on a hard roll, huh?"

God, that's awful.

This one has a million variations, but every time I see one I crack up.

Tam went to his local dentist and asked how much it was for an extraction.

"£50 for an extraction" replied the dentist.

"Och, hae ye no got ocht cheaper?" asked Tam, getting slightly agitated.

"But that is the normal charge for an extraction" explained the dentist.

"Whit about ye dinna yaise onie anaesthetic?" queried Tam.

"Well it would be highly unusual, but I could do that for £40" said the dentist.

"Hmmm, whit gin ye yaised ane o yir dentist trainees and nae anaesthetic?" suggested tam.

"Well, it is possible, but as they are only training I could not guarantee their level of professionalism and it would be a lot more painful, but I suppose the price would come down to £30" pondered the dentist.

"Fegs, that's still owre muckle bit hou gin ye made it a trainin session an hae yon student dae the extraction an hae ither students watchin and lairnin?" Tam suggested, hopefully.

"Well, all right" said the dentist. "It would be useful for the students and I would only charge you £5 in that case."

"Braw!" exclaimed Tam. "That's a deal. Can ye book the wife in fir neist Thursday?"

A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."
"Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband" said the wife. The fairy moved her magic stick and - abracadabra! - two tickets for the new QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hands.

Now it was the husbands turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime, so, I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me".

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed; but a wish is a wish..

So the fairy made a circle with her magic stick and -abracadabra! - the husband became 92 years old. The moral of this story..... Men might be ungrateful idiots.... But fairies are......female

i was going to leave well enough alone..... but........hell no....



A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers: Please continue.








The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!

Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's President Bush's clock?" asked the man.

"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

-------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What's the difference between the Vietnam War and the Iraq War?

A. George W. Bush had a plan to get out of the Vietnam War.

ahhhh these would be more appropriate in the political forum........

I dunno . . . they are just jokes, not really fodder for discussion. I mean, what if we ladies thought the jokes against women were politically oriented? (not that I do. . . )

Here's one from Electric Scotland:


At the beginning of time God, in his infinite wisdom, turned to the Archangel Gabriel and said -

"Today I am going to create Scotland. I will make it a country of dark beautiful mountains, purple glens and rich green forests. I will give it clear swift flowing rivers and I will fill them with salmon. The land shall be lush and fertile, on which the people shall grow barley to brew into an amber nectar that will be much sought after the world over. Underneath the land I shall lay rich seams of coal. In the waters around the shores there will be an abundance of fish and beneath the sea bed there will be vast deposits of oil and gas."

"Excuse me Sire" interrupted the Archangel Gabriel. "Don't you think you are being a little overgenerous to these Scots?"

"Not really" replied the Lord. "Wait until you see the neighbours I am giving them."

ok yer right....here is one on the power of make-up
women will enjoy this one.....*s*

Attached Image. (Click thumbnail to expand)

Little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to
find out anyway!

Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I
set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a
cyber-cafe.

We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a
download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we
discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since
it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a
blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said: You got Male

Nude Sunbathing

A rather well-proportioned blonde, Joan, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day but, on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.

She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.

"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."

"What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."

"Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."

THE WORLD'S SHORTEST FAIRY TALE

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"

The girl said, "NO!"

And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing,
hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and farted
whenever he wanted.

THE END

25 Signs You've Grown Up

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a single bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6am is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favourite song in a lift
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."
8. You go from 130 days of holidays to 20.
9. Jeans and a jumper no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the sofa makes your back hurt.
16. You take naps from noon to 6 pm.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 am would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. If you're a gal, you go to the chemist for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A £4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old butt.Then you forward it to a bunch of old friends because you know they'll enjoy it & do the same.

BONUS: When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh sh!t - what happened?

In this out-of-the-way village there was a man called "onestone".
This wasn't his real name but everyone called him it because he had
only one testicle. After years and years of this torment onestone cracked and
said, "If anyone calls me onestone again I will kill them!" The word
got around and nobody called him onestone any more.

Then one day a young girl forgot and said, "Good morning
onestone."He jumped up, grabbed her and took her up to the tower, where he shagged
her all day, he shagged her all night, he shagged her all the next day, until
she diedfrom exhaustion. The word got around that onestone meant business.
Years went by until a woman returned to the village after many years
away.She was overjoyed when she saw onestone and hugged him and
said, "Good to see you onestone." Again, onestone grabbed her and took her
up to the tower, where he shagged her all day, shagged her all night,
shagged her all the next day, shagged her all the next night, but she wouldn't
die!




What is the moral of the story?
(You'll love this!!!)



"You can't kill two birds with one stone."

Dear Husband:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for
good. I ve been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show
for it.
These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me
that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you
came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done,
cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home
and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game.
You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything.
Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, what ever the case is, I'm gone.
P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are
moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Your EX-Wife



Dear Ex-Wife:

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true
that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a
far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out
your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you
cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was
"You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you
can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have
gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years
ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the
price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother
had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was
$49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out.
So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars,
I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason I guess.
I hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said
with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So
take care.

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was
born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

Fun links:
Yeti Sports: http://home.kabelfoon.nl/~hopha/penguin.swf
Yeti Sports, gory version: http://www.yonkis.com/mediaflash/yeti_gore.htm
For the women: http://www.davidandgoliathtees.com/games/t...throwrocks.html
Now you can learn about Jack Schitt: http://members.shaw.ca/pranks/JACK_SCHITT.SWF
collection of "cumpoter ctupidity" stories: http://rinkworks.com/stupid/
What if "Dubya" was a woman? http://www.superlaugh.com/1/bushgirl.swf
Lifeguard takes a bathroom break: http://www.starterupsteve.com/video/LifeGuard.html
bell ringing gone totally wrong: http://www.starterupsteve.com/video/bellringer.html