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Celtic Radio Community > Ye Ole Celtic Pub - Open all day, all night! > Two Elderly Woman

Posted by: Lady of Avalon 04-Oct-2007, 04:36 PM

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.
Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel,
do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"

Mabel answered,"I have a suppository in my ear?" She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know
where to find my hearing aid."

When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the
paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.

No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned
and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea."

Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he
died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to
remember him as a great lover rather than the big sh-- he always was."

Posted by: pflanary 05-Oct-2007, 10:37 AM

Love that first joke--I'll have to remember it to tell my friends who are also audiologists.

Posted by: valpal 59 05-Oct-2007, 01:14 PM

Posted by: TandVh 05-Oct-2007, 04:03 PM

Us old geezers can be very funny sometimes!!

Posted by: stoirmeil 05-Oct-2007, 05:45 PM

This is a joke I once told my grandma, who used to say gloomy things about being old and useless, and she chased me all over the house with her cane yelling "Goddamn kid! Goddamn kid!"

There was a little old lady who was terribly depressed, and she decided it just wasn't worth it any more, and she wanted to end it all. So she got out her husband's old service revolver that he taught her how to use, in case of burglars, and cleaned it and loaded it. But then she thought, "I'm not really sure which side my heart is on."

So she went to see her doctor and said, "Doc? Where's my heart?"
"Why?" he asked, alarmed. "Do you have a pain?"
"No, I don't have a pain. I just want to know where it is."
Old crank, he thought, and said, "It's about an inch below your left breast."

So she went home and shot herself in the knee.

Posted by: Lady of Avalon 05-Oct-2007, 06:32 PM

lol...talk about gravity and its effect on human skin

Here another funny one.

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years
they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,"Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought,but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

Posted by: TheCarolinaScotsman 05-Oct-2007, 10:21 PM

Switching from old ladies for a minute, I have to admit that just a few years ago (OK, almost 40 years ago), I thought a senior moment was the day I got my class ring.

Posted by: Robert Phoenix 06-Oct-2007, 05:37 PM

Quote-Mabel answered,"I have a suppository in my ear?" She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know
where to find my hearing aid."

With a little positioning you can pick up cell phone transmissions on the freeway.

Posted by: mainopsman 08-Dec-2007, 01:42 PM

German scientists dug 50 meters underground and discovered
small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a
long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans,
25,000 years ago, had a nationwide telephone network.

Naturally, the British government was not that easily
impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even
deeper. 100 meters down, they found small pieces of glass,
and they soon announced that the ancient Brits, 35,000
years ago, had a nationwide fiber net.

Irish scientists were outraged. They dug 200 meters down and
found absolutely nothing. They concluded that the ancient
Irish, 55,000 years ago, had cellular phones.

JIM (mainopsman)

Posted by: mainopsman 08-Dec-2007, 01:44 PM

Playing House

A little girl and a little boy are at day care. The girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey Tommy, wanna play house?"

He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"

The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your thoughts."

"Communicate my thoughts?" says a bewildered Tommy. "I have no idea what that means."

The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."

JIM (mainopsman)

Posted by: mainopsman 08-Dec-2007, 01:44 PM

CHUCKLES FOR MATURE COUPLES AND OTHERS .....

My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn't.
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Marriage is a three-ring circus:
Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
For Sale :
Wedding dress, size 8.
Worn once ------- by mistake.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:
Before marriage and after marriage.

JIM (mainopsman)

Posted by: mainopsman 08-Dec-2007, 01:45 PM

Well just a couple more!!

; Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my
elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for
a table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said . "We may
not have 45 minutes."
They were seated immediately.

JIM (mainopsman)

Posted by: mainopsman 08-Dec-2007, 01:46 PM

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in
your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you,
what would you like them to say?"
Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine
spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a
wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's
lives."

Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"

JIM (mainopsman)

Posted by: mainopsman 08-Dec-2007, 01:47 PM

Scientist at the University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine announced

they have found a cure for baldness in mice.

This is great news!

Nothing looks more ridiculous than a mouse with a comb-over.

JIM (mainopsman)

Posted by: mainopsman 08-Dec-2007, 01:49 PM

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do
you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to
empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the
bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you
want a bed near the window?"

JIM (mainopsman)

Posted by: Druid_of_Ark 11-Dec-2007, 11:25 AM

Good one Jim...and on a similar note...

Three patients were about to be released from a Psychiatric Hospital, but before they were released the doctor called each one in...He asked he first one to point to his wrist, his elbow and his shoulder. Well the patient thought for a minute and pointed to his elbow, his wrist, and his shoulder. The doctor sent him back to his room. He asked the second one to point to his wrist, his elbow and his shoulder. Well the patient thought for a minute and pointed to his shoulder, his wrist, and his elbow. The doctor sent him back to his room. He asked he third one to point to his wrist, his elbow and his shoulder. Well the patient thought for a minute and got them in the right order. "Wonderful!" the doctor said, "How did you get that right so fast?" The patient pointed to his head and replied, "Kidneys, Doc, Kidneys."

Posted by: piobmhor piper 04-Feb-2008, 12:23 PM

When the Lord was finishing the creation of Earth St Peter came to him and asked what he had give the Scots. The Lord said I gave them beautiful glens, plentiful lochs, and the nectar of heaven.
St Peter proclaimed you gave them all that and the recipe for Scotch! That's too much , they'll be spoild!
Yes said the lord, but you see who I gave them for neighbors!

Posted by: Druid_of_Ark 04-Feb-2008, 09:42 PM

Neighbors? Scotland has only th Irish for Neighbors, well them and that Mental Ward located south of Sterling Bridge.

Posted by: mainopsman 20-Feb-2008, 08:06 PM

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

JIM (mainopsman)

Posted by: mainopsman 20-Feb-2008, 08:07 PM

Bubba lives in the middle of a bunch of Catholics.

Every Friday during Lent, he fires up his outside grill and cooks a big juicy steak..venison from his hunting trip...you could smell the delicious aroma all over the neighbourhood.

The Catholics are very upset about this, but are reluctant to confront their neighbour.

So they explain their dilemma to the Priest, who goes to see Bubba.

They sit and talk, the Priest is so persuasive that he gets the man to convert to the Catholic Faith.
At his Baptism, the Priest sprinkles holy water on him, saying "You were raised as a Baptist, you lived as a Baptist, now you are a Catholic".

The neighbours are delighted, until the first Friday of the next Lent.

Then they notice the delicious smell of venison steak drifting over from Bubba's direction.

They are on the way to Bubba's house when they see him standing over the grill, sprinking the steak and saying "you were born a deer, you lived as a deer, now you're a catfish!"

Jim (mainopsman)

Posted by: mainopsman 20-Feb-2008, 08:09 PM

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.
The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers, "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each."

The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.

Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!

Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.

Jim (mainopsman)

Posted by: mainopsman 20-Feb-2008, 08:09 PM

A man robs a bank and takes hostages.

He asks the first hostage, "Did you see me rob the bank?"

The hostage answers "Yes."

The robber promptly shoots him in the head.

Then he asks the second hostage if he saw him rob the bank.

The hostage answers, "No, but my wife did."

Jim (mainopsman)

Posted by: mainopsman 20-Feb-2008, 08:10 PM

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for anumber of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor wasable to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

JIM (mainopsman)

Posted by: mainopsman 20-Feb-2008, 08:12 PM

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, ' I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'

JIM (mainopsman)

Posted by: mainopsman 20-Feb-2008, 08:13 PM

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'

JIM (mainopsman)

Posted by: mainopsman 20-Feb-2008, 08:16 PM

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'
_________________________________________________________

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'

JIM (mainopsman)

Posted by: mainopsman 20-Feb-2008, 08:18 PM

A mother and a daughter are shopping in the mall, when the mother eyes an expensive fur coat.

"This year," she says, "I think that I will buy my present instead of making you and Dad shop for me." The daughter nods in agreement. "And I think this fur coat would be perfect too."

The daughter protests, "But Mom, some helpless, poor creature has to suffer so that you can have this."

"Don't worry, honey," says the mother. "Your father won't get the bill for a couple of weeks."

Jim (mainopsman)

Posted by: mainopsman 20-Feb-2008, 08:20 PM

While walking down the street one day a US politician is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the Golden Gate .

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem.. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the politician.

" I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the politician joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The politician reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers the politician. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning...... Today you voted!

JIM (mainopsman)

Posted by: mainopsman 20-Feb-2008, 08:21 PM

Sean and Liam were walking in the woods when they came across a sign saying,
"Tree Fellers wanted".
Liam says to Sean, "Now isn't that a shame. If Seamus was with us, we could have gotten the job".

JIM (mainopsman)

Posted by: Druid_of_Ark 20-Feb-2008, 09:16 PM

Two elderly women were having lunch together. Suddenly Nola looks at Myrtle and says, "Myrtle, why have you got a Suppository sticking out of your ear?" Myrtle looks a bit puzzled then replies, "Oh now I know where my hearing aid is!"

Posted by: dundee 21-Feb-2008, 08:01 AM

i have a great story about "precious and breathless" two old southern spinster sisters one decides to go to New York City... and returns with her report to her sister..... but i shall digress....

Posted by: mainopsman 21-Feb-2008, 03:28 PM

One Sunday afternoon, the pastor's wife returned home with an expensive dress in hand. When her husband asked her about it, she explained.

"Well, I was on my way to put the church's offering money in the bank, but I saw this amazing dress in the shop window. I was just trying it on when the Devil appeared and started tempting me to buy it."

At this point, the pastor was beginning to become angry. "Why didn't you just use scripture and say, 'Get thee behind me, Satan'?"

The wife sheepishly answered, "I did, but the Devil said, 'It looks even better from back here!'"

JIM (mainopsman)

Posted by: mainopsman 21-Feb-2008, 03:29 PM

One Sunday morning, everyone in one bright, beautiful, tiny town got up early and went to the local church.

Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving... seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

Jim (mainopsman)

Posted by: mainopsman 21-Feb-2008, 03:32 PM

During his Sunday morning sermon, Father Flarherty -- full of fire and brimstone -- says, "One day, every man, woman, and child in this parrish will one day die!" And the congregation quivered in fear.

Except one fellow, Murphy, who was laughing to beat the band.

Father goes up to him and asked, "Did you not hear what I said? One day every man, woman, and child in this parrish will die."

"I know," said Murphy. "I'm not from this parrish."

JIM (mainopsman)

Posted by: mainopsman 21-Feb-2008, 03:35 PM

A robber was robbing a house when he heard a voice. "Jesus is watching you!" "who's there?" The robber said, But no sound was heard....

So he kept going and he heard it two more times when he spotted a parrot. "What's your name," the robber asked. "Cocodora" said the parrot. "Now, what kind of idiot would name a bird Cocodora" said the robber. "The same idiot who named the Doberman Jesus", said the parrot.

JIM (mainopsman)

Posted by: mainopsman 21-Feb-2008, 03:40 PM

A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St.
Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered.
"Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South
Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers, who were
threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave
her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached
the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and
smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped
out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I
yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the stuffins out
of all of you!"

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple minutes ago..."

JIM (mainopsman)

Posted by: mainopsman 21-Feb-2008, 03:42 PM

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf - always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. "When you are through cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

Moral to this story: Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is the husband.

________________________________________________________________
Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living
room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative
state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle...

If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out my beer.

JIM (mainopsman)

Posted by: mainopsman 21-Feb-2008, 03:51 PM

A Few Just fior the Ladies!!

WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man,
"Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

JIM (mainopsman)

Posted by: Druid_of_Ark 21-Feb-2008, 11:06 PM

One night a young man noticed his elderly neighbor crawling around under the lamp post, so he asked what was wrong. The elderly man said he had lost his contact lens. Well the young man dropped to his knees and started looking as well. After an hour with no luck he asked the old man, "Are you sure you lost it here?" The man replied ,"No, it fell out in my living room, but the light is better here!"

Posted by: Nara 22-Feb-2008, 03:40 PM

Two elderly sisters left the doctor's office after their checkups, and split up to do some shopping. When they met back at the house, Martha had bags full of organic fruits, vegetables, high fiber foods, and told her sister a treadmill would be delivered later that day. Esther's shopping bags contained several new pairs of designer shoes, four new belts and matching handbags, and five hundred dollars worth of new jewelry.

Martha said, "Why on earth did you buy all that crap?"

"Just following the doctor's orders." sniffed Esther.

"What does that stuff have to to with the doctor's orders? He told us to eat good foods and exercise." said Martha.

"Oh! I thought he said get new shoes and accessorize!"

Posted by: mainopsman 27-Feb-2008, 09:10 PM

' T he Obedient Wife'

There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife...'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'

And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,

'Wait just a moment!'

She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. T hen the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away. So her friend said,
'Girl, I know you were not foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'

T he loyal wife replied, 'Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him.'

You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?'

'I sure did,' said the wife. 'I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check....
If he can cash it, then he can spend it.'

Send this to every clever female you know, and to every man who thinks they are smarter than women

JIM (mainopsman)

| |

Posted by: mainopsman 27-Feb-2008, 09:14 PM

A church was preparing for Christmas services. The pastor decided he wanted a banner made for the entryway and had a parishioner call the sign company.

The parishioner told the man on the phone the message he wanted and the dimensions needed for the entryway.

The sign came back a few days later... "Unto Mary Jesus was born, six feet long and two feet wide."

JIM (mainopsman)

Posted by: mainopsman 27-Feb-2008, 09:22 PM

A dottering, old professor of logic asked his College class
a question.

"If Philadelphia is 100 miles from New York and Chicago is
1000 miles from Philadelphia and Los Angeles is 2000 miles
from Chicago, and the Moon is 239,000 miles from Earth, how
old am I?"

A student in the back of the class raised his hand and when
called upon said, "Professor, you're 70."

The old professor said, "You're absolutely correct, but tell
me, how did you arrive at the answer so quickly?"

The student said, "It's easy, I have a brother, he's 35, and
he's half nuts."

JIM (mainopsman)

Posted by: mainopsman 27-Feb-2008, 09:29 PM

A woman went to the doctor's office. Where she was seen by one of the new
doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out,
screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked
what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had
her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the
hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the
matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children
and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?" The new
doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said,
"And.... does she still have the hiccups?"

JIM (mainopsman)

Posted by: mainopsman 28-Feb-2008, 03:42 PM

This ought to make all grandpas feel warm and cozy

A six year old goes to the hospital with his grandma to visit his
grandpa. When they get to the hospital, he runs ahead of his grandma and
bursts into his grandpa's room.

'Grandpa, Grandpa,' he says excitedly, 'as soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!'

'What?' said his grandpa.'Make a noise like a frog because grandma
said that as soon as you croak, we're going to Disneyland!!!'

JIM (mainopsman)

Posted by: mainopsman 29-Feb-2008, 04:04 PM

Two Irishmen in a bar and one said to the other.

"Hey! Can you tell me what the date is please?"

"No idea." says the other.

"But you've got a newspaper in your pocket," he says.

"Sorry mate, its no use, it's yesterday's!"

JIM (mainopsman)

Posted by: mainopsman 29-Feb-2008, 04:06 PM

Wisdom of our times

You are not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "smart"?

Money isn't everything. But it keeps the kids in touch.

Don't Drink and Drive. You might hit a bump and spill something.

Reality is only an illusion caused by a deficiency of alcohol.

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers give the rest a bad name.

JIM (mainopsman)

Posted by: mainopsman 29-Feb-2008, 04:08 PM

BELIEVE it or not , these are REAL 911 Calls!

Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich .
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

My Personal Favorite!!!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart .
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is.........

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No .
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police

JIM (mainopsman)

Posted by: mainopsman 29-Feb-2008, 04:28 PM

Some people are normally confused!!!

ONE
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an
order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
"We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter.
"You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine,
or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets,
but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

TWO
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and
the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine.
I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register
and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider",
looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.
Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?"
I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today."
She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive
and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing,
she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number,
so she was using the ATM "thingy."

FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.
"Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the
battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they
(pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?"
"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy,"
she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually
unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check
about the batteries. It's a long walk." (she had no clue either!)

FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift.
One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said,
"I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?"
"Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her.
With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper,
put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

SIX
I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was
towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair
and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister."
I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had
set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

SEVEN
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office
of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with
their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks
who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal.
Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

EIGHT
Police in Radnor , Pa . interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on
his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message
"He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time
they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working,
the suspect confessed.

NINE
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her
kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give
the kid some Benadryl and it should be fine.
The mother says, "Okay, but, I just gave him some ant killer..... "
Dispatcher: "Rush him in to emergency room!"

Interesting thing there is no reason to make up these stories, they just happen!

JIM (mainopsman)

Posted by: UlsterScotNutt 07-Mar-2008, 05:00 PM

2 elderly church ladies Margie and Eunice reading their bibles.
Margie turns to the other and says " Huh, I didn't know that. Eunice, which stretches more skin or rubber?
Eunice replies " I don't know, which? "
Margie explains " Skin, says here in the bible, Moses tied his ass to a tree and walked 12 miles"

Posted by: Druid_of_Ark 07-Mar-2008, 07:55 PM

3 things to remember about old age:

1. Old age and treachery will always win over youth and education.

2. No one likes to think of Getting old, but they forget that the only other option is to die young!

3. The difference in an old person and a young person, the old person has been young so knows what that is, the young person has no idea what wisdom comes with aging.

Posted by: mainopsman 10-Mar-2008, 10:08 AM

EXERCISE FOR OLDER ADULTS

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room
at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms
straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to
reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb
potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato
sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
(I'm at this level)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

JIM (mainopsman)

Posted by: mainopsman 10-Mar-2008, 10:10 AM

For their anniversary, a couple went out for a romantic dinner. Their teenage daughters said they would fix a dessert and leave it waiting.

When they got home, they saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles, and there was a note that read: "Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We are staying with friends, so go ahead and do something we wouldn't do!"

"I suppose," the husband responded dryly, "we could clean the house."

JIM (mainopsman)

Posted by: mainopsman 10-Mar-2008, 10:11 AM

A painting contractor was speaking to a woman about a job. She sad

she wanted the first room a pale blue. He wrote it down, went to

the window opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP." They

walked into the second room and she said she wanted it a soft

yellow color. He wrote that down, went to the window opened it

and yelled, "GREEN SIDE UP." The woman was curious but

didn't say anything. They walked into the third room and she said

she wanted a warm rose color. The painter wrote that down and

went to the window and opened it, he yelled "GREEN SIDE UP."

Finally the woman asked, "why do you keep yelling that out the

window?" "I'm sorry," he replied, "but I have a crew of blondes

laying sod across the street.

JIM (mainopsman)

Posted by: mainopsman 10-Mar-2008, 10:12 AM

An elderly gent was invited to his old friends' home for dinner
one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every
request to his wife with endearing terms - "Honey," "My Love,"
"Darling," "Sweetheart," "Pumpkin," etc.

The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they
were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said
to his host,

"I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still
call your wife those loving pet names."

The old man hung his head. "To tell you the truth," he said, "I
forgot her name about 10 years ago!

JIM (mainopsman)

Posted by: mainopsman 10-Mar-2008, 10:13 AM

Posted by: mainopsman 10-Mar-2008, 10:38 AM

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother
Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps
beats working for old man Minch by a mile.
Tell them to join up quick before all of the
places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to
stay in bed till nearly 6 AM, but I am getting
so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds yo u till noon when you get fed again.

It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore fe et and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice but awful flat. The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting . I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes. Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat
training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake.
I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

JIM (mainopsman)
Carol

Posted by: UlsterScotNutt 12-Mar-2008, 11:20 AM

Margie asks Eunice what's the difference between a hormone and an enzyme. Eunice thinks for abit and responds confidently " You can't hear an enzyme"

Wait, wait a minute , it will come.

Posted by: mainopsman 15-Mar-2008, 09:09 AM

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

JIM (mainopsman)

Posted by: mainopsman 15-Mar-2008, 09:10 AM

Paddy was in New York

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"

JIM (mainopsman)

Posted by: mainopsman 15-Mar-2008, 09:12 AM

Two British traffic patrol officers from North Berwick were involved in an unusual incident while checking for speeding motorists on the A-1 Great North Road. One of the officers used a hand-held radar device to check the speed of a vehicle approaching over the crest of a hill, and was surprised when the speed was recorded at over 300 mph. Their radar suddenly stopped working and the officers were not able to reset it.

Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact latched on to a NATO Tornado fighter jet, which was engaged in a low-flying exercise over the Border district, approaching from the North Sea.

Back at police headquarters, the chief constable fired off a stiff complaint to the RAF Liaison office. Back came the reply in true laconic RAF style:

"Thank you for your message, which allows us to complete the file on this incident. You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Tornado had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked onto, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it.

"Furthermore, an air-to-ground missile aboard the fully-armed aircraft had also automatically locked onto your equipment.

"Fortunately, the pilot flying the Tornado recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile systems alert status, and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched and your hostile radar installation was destroyed. Good Day..."

JIM (mainopsman)

Posted by: mainopsman 07-May-2008, 09:07 AM

A few for the road!!!

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: 'A beer please, and one for the road.'

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: 'Does this taste funny to you?'

7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'' 'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.' 'Is it common?' Well, 'It's Not Unusual.'

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.' 'I don't believe you,' says Dolly. 'It's true, no bull!' exclaims D aisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!'

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says 'Dam!'.

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. 'But why?', they asked, as they moved off. 'Because', he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'

18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'The y're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to her friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

JIM (mainopsman)

Posted by: mainopsman 17-May-2008, 11:15 AM

DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER THE FOLLOWING:

Dear Abby,

&n bsp;A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby,

What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence
On My VCR?

Dear Abby,

I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby,

I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby,

I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby,

Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby,

I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?

Dear Abby,

My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for tw o and a half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby,

I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.

Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going through mental pause.

Dear Abby,

You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?

Remember these people can vote!!

JIM (mainopsman)

Posted by: Camac 17-May-2008, 12:09 PM

Only in America. Sorry Buddy you got 'em please keep'em

Camac.

Posted by: Patch 17-May-2008, 04:14 PM

QUOTE (mainopsman @ 17-May-2008, 06:15 AM)

It helps one to understand how we got in this mess. I watch Jay Leno's "on the street interviews" and his "college quiz contest". He presents both as humor but considering they can vote, it is frightening!

Sl�inte,��

Patch��