Pub humour, Jokes o'plenty

I have on occasion experienced brilliant moments of that nature.

Slàinte,    

Patch    

The Banana Test


There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals,
a lion a chimpanzee a giraffe, and a squirrel who pass by.

They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree.

Who do you think will win?

Your answer will reflect your personality.

So think carefully . . . Try and answer within 30 seconds

Got your answer?

Now scroll down to see the analysis.





If you picked:


Lion - you're dull.


Chimpanzee - you're a moron.


Giraffe - you're a complete idiot.


Squirrel - you're just hopelessly stupid.



A Coconut tree Doesn't have Bananas!!!!!

Obviously you're stressed and overworked.
You should take some time off and relax!
Try again next year

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a bar
around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a
blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10:00 PM news was coming on and
the news crew was covering a story of a
man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, 'Do you think he'll jump?'
Bob says, 'You know, I bet he'll jump.'
The blonde replied, 'Well, I bet he won't.'
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, 'You're on!'

Just as the blonde placed her money on
the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, 'Fair's fair.
Here's your money.'

Bob replied, 'I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news and so I knew he would jump.'

The blonde replied, 'I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again.'

Bob took the money.

A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He begins to pray...

"God, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto".

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.

Joe again prays...

"God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well".

Lotto night comes and Joe still has no luck.

Once again, he prays...

"My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order ... "

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Joe is confronted by the voice of GOD himself:

"JOE, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE ... BUY A TICKET!"

Slàinte,    

Patch    

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing, and cares less, tries to make your life miserable.



A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

�Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?'

'We're taking Continental,' was the reply. 'We got a great rate!'

'Continental?' exclaimed the hairdresser. ' That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?'

'We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called 'Teste.'

'Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a Dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly,and they're overpriced. So, whatcha' doing when you get there?'

'We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.'

'That's rich,' laughed the hairdresser. 'You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it.'





A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome ..

'It was wonderful,' explained the woman, 'not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!'

'Well,' muttered the hairdresser, 'that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope.'

'Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.'

'Oh, really! What'd he say ?'

He said: 'Where'd you get the shitty Hairdo?

Slàinte,    

Patch    

The Stuttering Cat

A teacher was explaining biology to her young students. 'Human beings are the only animals that stutter', she said.

A little girl raised her hand. 'I had a cat who stuttered', she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how charming some of these stories could be, asked the little girl to describe the incident.

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my cat and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'

'That must've been very scary', said the teacher.

'It sure was', said the little girl. 'My cat arched his back, and went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'. And before he could say F**k the Rottweiler ate him!'

Two lawyers, Jon and David, head out for their usual 9 holes of golf. Jon offers David a $50 bet. David agrees and they're off. They do a great game. After the 8th hole, David is ahead by one stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.

"Help me find my ball. Look over there,'" he says to Jon. After a few minutes, neither have any luck. Since a lost ball carries a four point penalty, David secretly pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. "I've found my ball!" he announces.

"After all of the years we've been partners and playing together," Jon says, "you'd cheat me out of a lousy 50 bucks?"

"What do you mean, cheat? I found my ball sitting right there!"

"And you're a liar, too!" Jon says. "I've been STANDING on your ball for the last five minutes!"

Slàinte,    

Patch    

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and --WHACK!!-- knocks him clean off the bar stool and onto the floor.

The idiot says, "That was a karate chop from Korea."

The little guy thinks "Geez," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden --WHACK!!- the big dude knocks him down again and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan."

So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves.

The little guy is gone for an hour or so.

When he returns, without saying a word, he walks up behind the big idiot and --BONK!!-- bangs the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold.

The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he comes to, tell him that is a crowbar from Sears."


Slàinte,    

Patch    

Did you hear about the two ships that collided just off a deserted island? One was carrying red paint; the other was carrying purple paint. Both crews were marooned.

A Condensed Version of History

For those who slept through World History 101...... here is a condensed version.

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were:
1. The invention of beer, and
2. The invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer, and the beer to the man.

These facts formed the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals
2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BB Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men.

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs, the evolution of the Hollywood actor, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide all the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years, Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history.......

Several members of a health club were having their first meeting. The director of the group said, "Now, I'd like each of you to give the facts of your daily routine." Each member spoke, admitting their excesses. Then one obviously overweight member said, "I eat moderately, I drink moderately and I exercise frequently." "Hmm…" said the director. "And are you sure you have nothing else to add?" "Well, yes," said the member. "I lie extensively."

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Patch    

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain." "Quiet!" snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you spend the night in jail until the chief gets back." "But, officer, I just wanted to say…" "And I said be quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you, the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answered the guy in the cell. "I'm the groom."

Slàinte,    

Patch    

Ask any man, and he will tell you that any woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.

While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in the fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.

Slàinte,    

Patch    

Career choice !!!!


A Baptist preacher 'in the West' had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed five objects on his desk: a Bible, a silver dollar, a bottle of whiskey, a marijuana cigarette, and a Hustler magazine.

'I'll just hide behind the door,' the preacher said to himself, 'and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be OK. But if picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard,
and, Lord, what a shame that would be. If he picks up the marijuana cigarette, he's going to be a worthless dope-head. And worst of all, if he picks up that Hustler magazine, he's going to be a skirt-chasing bum.'

The preacher waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket, put the joint to his lips, and lit it up. Taking a long drag from the doobie, he uncorked the whiskey bottle and took a big swig, while admiring the Hustler centerfold.

'Lord have mercy!,' the old preacher whispered in disgust, 'he's going to work in the oilpatch!'

Great joke! I may be slow, but what is "oilpatch"? I can assume that it is something one would not want their son doing. If that is all I need to know that is fine. I have never heard that used before. I get E-mails from Scotland and have to ask for a LOT of translations there! Thanks.

Slàinte,    

Patch