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Celtic Radio Community > Scotland > The smiling scotsman

Posted by: NightHawk 20-Jan-2002, 03:09 AM

Windows 98 It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Scottish version of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside Scotland. If you have one of the Scottish editions you may need some help understanding the commands. The Scottish edition may be recognised by the opening screen. It reads: WINDAES 98, Ye Ken, with a picture of William Wallace superimposed on a St. Andrew's Cross, shipped with a Mel Gibson screen saver. If you have a copy of WINDAES 98, you will need to know the following: Recycle Bin is called "The Bucket." My Computer is called "Yon Computer Thingie." Dialup Networking is called "Phone the Bhoys." Control Panel is known as the "Dashboard." Settings are called "sittins." Programs are described as "stuff whit daes stuff." Documents are termed "stuff whit I hive done afore." Hard Drive is referred to as "the Tractor." Floppies are referred to as "yon wee plastic dusc things." In addition, you will find some commands in WINDAES 98 have been slightly altered: OK = "'ats fine" Cancel = "na na ma loon" Reset = "Och ye'd be as weel startin agin" Yes = "Och aye" No = "nae chunce mon" Find = "if ye'd bothered to pit it past in a safe place, ye widnae need to be lookin' for it noo, noo widye?" Go to = "go'n ower 'ere" Back = "back the wye" Help = "geese a haun'" Stop = "packit in" Start = "com on 'en" Some features exclusive tae WINDAES 98: Pincil an paper.....A word processor Colourin book.......A Graphics program Addin machine.......Calculator Andrex..............Notepad Jukebox.............CD player Photies.............A graphics viewer Massey..............Tractor dealers listed by Post Code (Scotland only) Car.................See previous entry Tax Records.........usually an empty file Other features: WINDAES 98 does not recognise capital letters or punctuation marks. We regret any inconvenience caused if you received a copy of the Scottish edition. Please return it to Microsoft for a replacement version. source: www.geocities.com/SoHo/Lofts/4900/scotsmen.htm

Posted by: Macfive 21-Jan-2002, 07:53 AM

This is very funny! At first I thought you were serious about this. Thanks for posting it!

Posted by: NightHawk 30-Jan-2002, 10:37 AM

In the middle of foggy night in the NW Atlantic.....two lights are heading directly for one another... and on the radio an American voice is heard saying "we suggest you alter course by 10 degrees". Back comes the reply "No!" Then the American voice says "this is the battleship USS Missouri leading the American Atlantic battle fleet, you had better alter course by 10 degrees." Back comes the reply "this is the Hebrides lighthouse, but it's your call, Jimmy"

Posted by: kylassie 30-Jan-2002, 08:54 PM

Thanks for the laughs! I needed to be cheered up! ROFLMAO !       Slainte, Janet aka Kentucky Lassie

Posted by: NightHawk 31-Jan-2002, 09:58 AM

@ kylassie   Following was certainly told by someone who doesn't really cherish the heavenly sound of a well played bagpipe     What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline? Eventually, people get tired of jumping on a trampoline. Slàinte   NightHawk

Posted by: NightHawk 31-Jan-2002, 10:07 AM

...and another one. Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye (or maybe it was Neil McNeil from Barra, but anyway..) went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there. After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him (no doubt carrying reinforcements of tatties, salt herring, oatmeal and whisky). "And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked. "Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night." "Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbours?" "Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes."

Posted by: maggiemahone1 31-Jan-2002, 12:26 PM

That was VERY AMUSING  NightHawk,  That little story kinda reminds me of a few people I know.       maggiemahone1

Posted by: Blue_Rogue 02-Feb-2002, 09:23 AM

I'll do my best to clean this up, it's more of an adult joke, but funny!  A English, French and Scot soilder were on leave when they past a house of ill repute. The Englishman and Frenchman thought that this is just what was needed, but the Scotsman disagreed, stating that he could not have it his way. The Englishman and Frenchman convinced him that surly he would be sattisfied, or they would pay for him. The Scotsman agreed. They agreed to all met at the bar across the street when they were done.  The Englishman was first to come out, not seeing his freind went to the bar and ordered a beer . The Frenchman came out a short time later and joined the Englishman   .  Some time had passed and the two freinds decided that their Scottish freind must have gotten what he wanted when the Scotsman came running out chased by two large men. When he saw his two freinds standing at the bar he hollered "See, I told you they won't do it my way, FREEEEEEEE"

Posted by: kylassie 02-Feb-2002, 09:46 AM

That's a good 'ern! ROFL

Posted by: maggiemahone1 02-Feb-2002, 10:38 AM

Here's a little bit of not so bright Scottish humor!!! Wullie was having his appendix out and was driving the doctor mad with his questions.  "Will Ah be able to play the bagpipes after me operation?" he asked.  "Of course you will" snapped the doctor.  "Thats amazing!" marvelled Wully.  "AH couldna play them before!" Jessie was out for a walk and came to a river and saw Maggie on the other opposite bank.  "Hello there", she shouts,"how can I get to the other side?"  Maggie looked up the river, then down the river, then shouted back, "You are on the other side." Davie is not really a liar.  He just arranges the truth to his favor. Sandy was only 5 feet tall.  He reckoned it to his diet as a child-condensed mild and shortbread. When an old lady was asked why she had suddenly taken to studying the Bible so assiduously, she replied, "I'm studying for my finals." The 2 old Scots had imbibed overmuch.  Saying his good-night, the one told the other: "John man, when ye gang oot the door, ye"ll see twa cabs. Tak' the first yin-the t'ither anes no' there!" More of these can be found at : www.rampantscotland.com maggiemahone1

Posted by: NightHawk 08-Feb-2002, 12:35 PM

BAND STRUCTURE OF THE ARGYLL & SUTHERLAND HIGHLANDERS Drum Major: Leaps tall buildings in a single bound Faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than a locomotive. Walks on Water. Talks to God. Pipers: Leaps small buildings with a run-up. Is a crack shot. Pulls railway carriages. Fords rivers. Listens to god. Side Drummers: Vaults over fences. Is allowed his own sidearm. Can read a railway timetable. Knows how to put on fishing gollashes. Believes in God. Tenor Drummers: Can open and walk through a door. Knows which is the dangerous end of a gun. Has his own train set. Wears Wellington boots. Talks to himself. Bass Drummers: Trips over matchsticks. Is NEVER allowed near firearms. Says "Look at CHOO-CHOO". Plays in puddles. Nobody listens to him and finally. THE PIPE MAJOR: Lifts tall buildings and walks underneath them. Catches bullets in his teeth and chews them. Kicks locomotives off their tracks. Drinks entire oceans because He IS GOD!!!!

Posted by: Jenni 08-Feb-2002, 04:50 PM

I have to say I got a good laugh over the A&S description below. Having hung out with the A&S boys at Loon Mountain back in 1998, I have to say they are one of the most partying regiments out of Scotland. Only the Blackwatch have topped A&S for the number of straight hours of partying between American tour performances.

Posted by: NightHawk 11-Feb-2002, 02:52 PM

A Pole, with an unpronounceable name, wanted to try his hand at golf at St. Andrews. Three times he asked the starter to put him down to play the next morning at ten, before he was told, "Ye'll come the day after tomorrow at eleven, and ye'll answer to the name o' Macpherson"

Posted by: NightHawk 13-Feb-2002, 03:58 PM

In a London street, two Highlanders stood looking at the imposing front of a large building. The corner-stone bore the date in Roman characters, "MCMIV." "Look at that, Jock," said Sandy proudly, "Ah don't know what clan he come from, but he's got his name on one of the finest buildings in London. You canna keep oor boys doon, can ye ?"

Posted by: Macfive 14-Feb-2002, 03:10 PM

I just had the best laugh reading this thread. Been so busy with the website that I havn't had a chance to read all of these great posts! All I can say is keep these jokes coming!

Posted by: NightHawk 21-Feb-2002, 01:14 PM

As a Christmas present one year, the Laird gave his gamekeeper, MacPhail, a deerstalker hat with ear-flaps. MacPhail was most appreciative and always wore it with the flaps tied under his chin to keep his ears warm in the winter winds. One cold, windy day the Laird noticed he was not wearing the hat. "Where's the hat?" asked the Laird. "I've given up wearing it since the accident," replied MacPhail. "Accident? I didn't know you'd had an accident." "Yes. A man offered me a nip of whisky and I had the earflaps down and never heard him."

Posted by: Aon_Daonna 08-Apr-2002, 09:48 AM

A Scots boy came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?" The boy says "I play the part of the Scottish husband!" The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part."

Posted by: Aon_Daonna 08-Apr-2002, 09:55 AM

Jock finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial problems. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. "God, please help me. Ah've lost ma wee store and if Ah dinna get some money, Ah'm going to lose my hoose too. Please let me win the lottery!" Lottery night! Someone else wins...  Jock prays again. "God, please let me win the lottery! Ah've lost my wee store, ma hoose and Ah'm going to lose ma car as weel!" Lottery night again! Still no luck... Jock prays again. "Ah've lost ma business, ma hoose and ma car. Ma bairns are starving. Ah dinna often ask Ye for help and Ah have always been a good servant to Ye. PLEASE just let me win the lottery this one time so Ah can get back on ma feet!" Suddenly there is a blinding flash as the heavens open and the voice of God Himself thunders: "Jock at least meet Me half way and buy a ticket!"

Posted by: Aon_Daonna 08-Apr-2002, 10:00 AM

A farmer's wife, who was rather stingy with her whisky, was giving her shepherd a drink. As she handed him his glass, she said it was extra good whisky, being fourteen years old. "Weel, mistress," said the shepherd regarding his glass sorrowfully, "It's a wee ane fer its age."

Posted by: aklassie 08-Apr-2002, 10:26 PM

Good ones Aon_Daonna !!

Posted by: Macfive 09-Apr-2002, 04:08 AM

A good scottish joke is always enjoyable! Thanks for posting these!

Posted by: Mel 09-Apr-2002, 05:31 AM

LOL thanks a lot for the jokes Aon Daonna!

Posted by: Aon_Daonna 13-Apr-2002, 11:05 AM

A philosophical Scotland supporter on the train south to attend the match with England was heard to comment: "No matter if we win or lose this game, we will still be winners in the game of life, because when our opponents waken up tomorrow they'll still be English and we won't."

Posted by: Aon_Daonna 13-Apr-2002, 11:07 AM

The Scottish bus driver was giving a tour of Scotland to a group of tourists. The tour went through the countryside and the driver would point out sights of interest. He drove by this one area and said, "Over there is where the Scottish PULVERIZED the English." They drove on a little further and the driver pointed to another area along the roadway and said, "This is the place where the Scottish MASSACRED the English." Not much further down the road the driver told his passengers that on the right was the great battlefield where the Scottish WHIPPED the English. About that time a man on the bus, with a stiff English accent, said, "My good man, didn't the English win any battles around here"? "Not whenI'm driving the bus" was the response.

Posted by: Aon_Daonna 13-Apr-2002, 11:09 AM

An Englishman entered a bar and stood beside a Scotsman. After they had chatted for a while the Scot asked "Where are you from?" The Englishman replied "I'm from the finest country in the world." The Scot looked sceptical and replied "Are you? You have a #### funny accent for a Scotsman."

Posted by: Aon_Daonna 13-Apr-2002, 11:19 AM

The Irish gave the Scots the bagpipes... and they haven't got the joke yet. Q: what is the difference between a bagpipe and an onion? A: Nobody cries when you chop up a bagpipe.

Posted by: Aon_Daonna 13-Apr-2002, 11:21 AM

It is now generally accepted that golf did not originate in Scotland. No Scotsman would invent a game in which it was possible to lose a ball.

Posted by: kylassie 13-Apr-2002, 12:25 PM

ROFL!

Posted by: maggiemahone1 13-Apr-2002, 05:31 PM

I like that wee bit of Scottish humor, Aon Daonna.    A good laugh can relieve alot of tension and stress.   maggiemahone1

Posted by: Cabbagehome 15-Apr-2002, 04:57 PM

We in the States have a funny accent. As far as the bagpipes goes we States haven't gotten the joke also.  I read where there were more drum and pipe bands in the States than in Scotland.

Posted by: Camchak 10-Jul-2004, 06:00 PM

Three guys... an Irishman, a Scotsman and a Englishman are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish" says the genie. The Scot says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Scotland." With a blink of the genie's eye, 'FOOM' - the land in Scotland was forever made fertile for farming. The Englishman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, so that no one can come into our precious country. Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' - there was a huge wall around England. The Irishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out." The Irishman says... "Fill it up with water."

Posted by: Camchak 10-Jul-2004, 06:01 PM

At a world brewing convention in the States, the CEOs of various brewing organizations retired to the bar at the end of each day's conferencing. Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouted to the Barman: "In 'Strailya, we make the best bloody beer in the world, so pour me a Fosters, mate." Bob, CEO of Budweiser calls out next: "In the States, we brew the finest beers of the world, and I make the king of them all - gimme a Bud." Hans steps up next: "In Germany ve invented das beer. Give me un Becks, ze real King of beers." Jan, Chief Executive of Grolsch follows by stating that Grolsch is the ultimate beer and asks for one with two fingers of head on top. Paddy, CEO of Guinness, steps forward: "Barman, give me a diet coke with ice and lemon. please". The other four stare at him in stunned silence, amazement written all over their faces. Eventually Bruce asks: "Are you not going to have a Guinness, Pat?" Paddy replies "Well, if you pansies aren't drinkin', then neither am I".

Posted by: Camchak 10-Jul-2004, 06:05 PM

The Society of the Paranormal was having a convention in town and there were many attendees. The president of the society was at the podium delivering the opening address to all who were there in body and in spirit, and he asked the question: "Who of you have had the occasion to see a ghost?". There was a showing of perhaps forty hands, to which the speaker asked, "Who of you have had the occasion to speak with a ghost?". Once again the conventioneers raised hands, counting thirty or so. Then the question, "Who of you have had the occasion to have actually touched a ghost?", to which about ten hands were waved about. The speaker paused for a moment, and then delivered another query, "Who of you have had the occasion to have sex with a ghost?",and in the far back of the auditorium a lone hand was raised. "Would the usher please escort that individual with his hand raised to the stage? I simply must inquire further." And with a couple of moments delay the man was brought forward, who incidentally turned out to be a wee Scotsman in full kilt no less. When the Scot arrived on stage, the speaker asked him, "Well Sir, tell us what it was like to have sex with a ghost.", to which the man replied, "Ghost? Laddie,I thought ye said goat!".

Posted by: Camchak 10-Jul-2004, 06:08 PM

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've something to tell ya." "Of course you may come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?" "That's what I'm here to tell ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness Brewery..." "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..." "I must Brenda. Your husband Seamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry." Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?" "It was terrrrrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned." "Oh my dear!" But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?" Well, no Brenda... no. Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

Posted by: Camchak 10-Jul-2004, 06:11 PM

An Englishman, a Irishman and an Scotsman enter a pub and each proceed to order a pint of Guinness. Just as they are about to enjoy their beverages they notice a fly has landed in each of their beers, and has gotten stuck in the creamy head. The Englishman pushes the glass away in disgust. The Irishman fishes the offending insect out with his finger and continues drinking as if nothing has ever happened. The Scotsman picks the fly out of his beer by the wings, holds it over the glass and yells, "Spit it out, ya bastard!!!"

Posted by: freekenny 10-Jul-2004, 11:19 PM

Now those are FUNNY!! I so enjoy a good laugh!

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