Pub humour, Jokes o'plenty

[fiferbob]

A traveler was marooned in an isolated Highland village because of a landslide caused by heavy rain, which was still falling in torrents after three days. Looking out of the window of the restaurant, he said to the waitress. " This is like the flood."
" The what ? "
" The flood. Surely you have heard about the great flood and Noah and the Ark."
" Mister, " she replied. " I haven't seen a newspaper for four days."

[fiferbob]

Wife: " Don't you think dear, that a man has more sense after he is married ?
" Husband: " Yes, Fiona, but it's too late then. "

[fiferbob]

Tourist - " This seems like a very dangerous cliff. It's a wonder they don't put up a warning sign."
Sandy - " Yes, it is dangerous, but they kept a warning sign up for two years and no one fell over, so it was taken down."

[fiferbob]

Scottish talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.



The fantasy of every Scots man is to have two women
-one cleaning and the other dusting.

[fiferbob]

Two Scots had been bachelor friends met for the first time in five years. " Tell me. Sandy, " said Donald, " did you marry that girl, or do you still dam your socks and do your own cooking ? "
" Yes, " was Sandy's reply

[fiferbob]

Tourist - " Do you serve crabs here in the Highlands ?
" Waiter - " We serve anyone; please take a seat."

[fiferbob]

Policeman ( after a collision ) " You saw this tourist driving toward you. Why didn't you give him the road ? "
Scottish motorist - " I was going to as soon as I could discover which half he wanted."

[fiferbob]

Edinburgh Guide - " Be very careful not to fall here. It's very dangerous.
But if you do fall, remember to look to the left.
You get a wonderful view on that side."

[fiferbob]

The Highland minister was debating with an elder who doubted the miracle of divine chastisement " Let me tell you of a remarkable occurrence," the minister said. " In this morning's paper, there was an article about a politician who was struck by lighting while he was lying. Miraculous incident wasn't it ? "
" I don't know now, " the elder replied.
" It would be more of a miracle if lightning struck a politician when he wasn't lying."

[fiferbob]

Mrs. MacGregor was standing in her kitchen with her friend, Mrs. MacLeod. She looked out the window and pointed at the neighbor's wash hanging on the clothesline and said to her friend, " Just look at that wash. It sure looks dirty. Look at all those gray streaks on her laundry."
Mrs. MacLeod replied swiftly, " Those streaks aren't on your neighbor's wash - they're on your window."

[fiferbob]

Mac: " I say old man, do you think could you lend me one dollar ? "
Old Sandy: " I'm a little deaf in that ear; go around to the other one."
Mac: " Could you lend me 5 dollars ? "
Old Sandy: " I think you'd better go back to the one dollar ear. "

[fiferbob]

The prosecution and defense had both presented their final arguments in a case involving a Highlander accused of operating an illegal still.
The judge turned to the jury and asked, " Before giving you your instructions, do any of you have any questions ? "
" Yes, Your Honor, " replied one of the jurors. " Did the defendant boil the malt one or two hours, does he cool it quickly, and at what point does he add the yeast ? "

[fiferbob]

Two Scots were traveling on a motorcycle through windy Glencoe. When it became to breezy for one of the Scots, he stopped and put his overcoat on backward to keep the wind from ballooning it away from him. A few miles further down the glen, the motorcycle hit a tree, killing the driver and stunning the man with the reversed coat. Later, when the coroner visited the scene, he said to the policeman standing nearby, " What happened ? " Well, " the young policeman replied, " one of them was dead when I got here, and by the time Igot the head of the other one straightened out, he was dead too."

[fiferbob]

Donald: " Do you serve breakfast here ? "
Waitress " Yes, what would you like ? "
Donald:" Lumpy porridge and some burnt toast." Waitress: " Whatever you say sir."
Donald:" Now, are you doing anything while that's being made ? "
Waitress:" Why - no, sir."
Donald:" Then sit her and nag me a while. I'm homesick !

[fiferbob]

At the club tournament in old St. Andrews the club secretary caught up with one of the entrants driving off about a foot in front of the teeing mark. " Here, " he said, " you can't do that. You're disqualified."
" What for ? " asked the golfer.
" Why, you're driving off in front of the mark."
The player looked at the secretary with pity. " Go on back to the clubhouse, " he said tersely- "I'm playing my second stroke."